Blakesteel, thanks for reaching out to us. Asking for help and prayers is such a sign of maturity. I've said before, you are growing so much. It is evident in all that you write. Wondering if you're experiencing growing pains?
My father left my family, too, after having an 4-year long A that produced a child. Like you, my H's A churned up all those hurts that I thought I had resolved. To say my FOO have complicated R would be an understatement. I didn't realize that there is still this young person inside of me that is hurting and is still so desperate.
I have a need to better understand what my true feelings are towards my wife....to feel JUST the pain she inflicted on me and leave my childhood pain as a separate entity. To “see” my wife honestly and with just the pain she caused…
Can this be done? Is this what I am called to do?
In my opinion, no. You cannot bifurcate yourself. Not only is it practically impossible to do, you'll end up like Voldemort. And we all know how that worked for him.
No, the 12 year old boy is a part of you and always will be. We may grow older, and we may leave our childhood behind, but we don't leave our child selves in the past. So when you get hurt, every part of you gets hurt. Your 12 year old boy's memories are significant and the pain you're feeling from being betrayed has reactivated that aspect of yourself. From deep within you, the hurts are crying out for relief.
Your dad is not around to address your pain, but your wife is. So it's only natural for you to be very confused about your feelings for her. I don't think you can separate the two, no matter how practical it may seem.
I tried to do this and failed miserably. I kept expecting relief from the outside (church, IC, MC, retreats, even my fWH,) but the pain and confusion would not go away.
Finally, my IC gave me a way to visualize what I have to do to deal with the inner turmoil and conflict. This has helped me so much. She said to visualize my child self. Really focus on the image of myself as a child. Then see my child self hurting from all the pain of rejection, betrayal and loss. She'd say, can you see her? What's she doing? And I'd say, she's crying and she's afraid. (This is not an easy thing to do, by the way.)
Then she had me visualize myself as an adult when I am at my best, especially when I'm at my best as a parent. She'd ask, so what does that look like? For me, strong, gentle, present, thoughtful, and wise.
She then said to visualize my adult self going to my hurting child self and comforting my child self. She'd say, think through exactly what that looks like. Well, that was easy because I do that all the time with my own children. I just visualized the child me in place of my own kids. She'd say, what are you saying, how are you feeling?
Then she'd say, now place yourself between the child and all the things that are hurting the child and say to the child, it's OK, I will take care of this. And then she'd talk me through how I would actually speak on behalf of my child self to all that was causing the child distress.
Oh my gosh, the things I said! It was such a powerful experience, cathartic even. And every so often, I would visualize myself turning around and hugging the child, but then turning back around and continuing to speak on behalf of the child - me.
We did this activity several times and every time, new stuff would come out. What's amazing is that now I am really good at retrieving this image whenever hurts, fears, doubts or anger start to bubble to the surface. I cannot tell you how this endeavor has helped to create a sense of wholeness and control. It's powerful!
I guess I finally figured out that no thing and no person can heal me from the damage done by my H or my dad. These two men took something from me and the only person who could get it back is me. And I can't get it back by doing external things. It absolutely had to come from within. My therapist calls this self intimacy - and it's something that people with our history seldom develop on our own because the parent who was supposed to instill this and nurture it simply left. We have to become the parent to our selves that our own parents failed to be.
I may have lost you on all this, Blakesteel. In fact, this may only work because I am such a visual person. But whatever the technique, the outcome is still critical - developing self intimacy. Becoming a protector, healer and advocate for your vulnerable self. Allowing the vulnerable self to find comfort in your adult, responsible, mature self. Letting the adult self speak on behalf of your child self. Make sense?
I guess it does sound a little like bifurcation, but hopefully you can see a difference. This is all of you working within. Trying to segment out parts of ourselves to deal with the external is a hopeless endeavor. Voldemort and our waywards certainly proved that.
I am praying for you, brother. You are going to be OK. You have more than proven you are capable of being the man your father wasn't. Just look how far you've come! There are so many men in the world with stories like your own who would have collapsed under the weight of it all and would have resorted to following in their parent's footsteps. No, something is already at work within you that is choosing to take a different path. You do have an amazing team. You are choosing the right players and you are determined to play by the rules. But I think you need to recognize that one of your key players is you.
I will continue to pray for you, Blakesteel, thaT God will help you stay true to who you are called to be - a good man who chooses to struggle with the hard stuff, no matter how frustrating or confusing it may be, no matter how tempting it is to escape, because he has hope in something greater than what he's experienced so far.
Take care - PEACE
