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I am just curious. Many WS suffer from low self esteem and need external validation. This is a large reason why the had an affair. I know that defensiveness means they are hiding something, but does your WS put you down to lift themselves up?

Are some of you R, but just taking things as they go, year after year? Meaning that its not all together at the start, kind of like an iterative process?

Sometimes I think having romance and all that other stuff is secondary to having a life partner, someone to be there with.

Any thoughts?

Mine did up until recently. At first more blatantly and then more subtly.

My husband has narcissistic traits and that's where I think it comes from. I can't believe it took me so long to push back.

But 2 years ago we started couples counseling and she is a very good one. She got us to the point where he admitted that for all of our marriage he thought he was better than me.

Then she told me in front of him that I should never stay married to someone who thinks he is better.

In the last few years I've changed so much. I no longer tolerate it at all. I flat out say that I think I'm great and that many men would be happy to have me.

It's gotten so much better.

The down side? I went so far with it that now I think I'm better

No. Never. I would not allow that.

No. Because we wouldn't be in R. He would be gone.

No, I am the prize. He is lucky to have me and that I am putting time and effort into working on our M. If your WS putting you down to make himself feel better about himself, he needs to address this issue immediately in IC. It is not your job to make him feel better about himself, he needs to find worth and validation from within him.

does your WS get angry and put you down during R

If my WH got angry he maintained his composure, sucked it up, put my needs 1st, and kept his mouth shut and emotions intact.

As for putting me down, never ever would he put me down; not before, during or after his A. I would never let him, or anyone treat me in that manner. Period.

I often say, "You get what you allow" ~ If you are being treated this way, do not tolerate it.

No.

Having a lifetime partner is not worth having my heart torn to pieces time and time again.

If you are being treated this way please know you are worth more.

(((hugs)))

Never. He had one outbreak of temper during a rant that I delivered about three months after Dday. I think he frightened himself.

This was his behavior on occasion for years prior to, and constantly during, the A. If he acts this way again it will be a cue that he's either contemplating or actively betraying the M and me again. I would either demand counseling for him and the M or kick him out. I'm worth more than that.

Yes. My wife was slow to find remorse....and has chosen anger as recently as 2 weeks ago. It was short in duration, we discussed in MC, she discovered a new area of exploration within her.

Mine also still likes sarcasm. I use to be a master at sarcasm... Thought it harmless and fun. Having read the book "Love Busters" I try very hard not to be sarcastic in any way.... Including when I want to do it with me as the target.

Most of the time my wife controls her anger....but still chooses it.

Peace be with you.....this is tough.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:16 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

Start as you mean to go on. In other words, no fucking way.

Is he putting you down ALREADY, torn? His pathetic ass should be crawling with gratitude that you are considering reconciling!

My WH did that and I complained every single time. You shouldn't feel bad if you complained as well.

What kind of companion feels good about himself when he slams you? Please remember you are modeling what a marriage should be like to your kids. You can't tell them to do as you say and not as you do.

You don't need that kind of treatment from anyone.

Defensiveness doesn't mean they are hiding something. It means they aren't dealing with something. And that something is usually their own behavior. He's not remorseful and the marriage won't heal if he is defensive.

Don't settle. Don't allow yourself to be treated that way.

Start as you mean to go on. In other words, no fucking way.

Is he putting you down ALREADY, torn? His pathetic ass should be crawling with gratitude that you are considering reconciling!

This.

I should have had this front and center when wh and I decided to work on our marriage. I have in the last few months really nailed him on the way he used to treat me and the way he still tries to treat me periodically. I am NOT his whipping girl. He'll damn well treat me with care or I'll see his hiney in court. Not a good way to go about reconciling, but if he can't change himself, I won't be a party to my destruction.

I know that some of his (our) behaviors are really entrenched and I know he(we) have things to change to make this marriage work, but one of the things HE needs to remember is that I am giving him the opportunity of a life-time to have me still in his life.