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Just had a big blowup after a week of silence. I ended the silence. He blew up. He said we're over. Twice or three times among other horrible stuff. He is coming back soon. I do not want to end if we can still R. He is raging angry. What do I say to him? I need a non-inflammatory lead in sentence that will not be me groveling. Help please.

I am thinking of, if he lets me speak that is, Are we really over because then I need to hire a lawyer so need to know but that doesn't feel right.

I hate to say this but you have ddays spanning back almost a decade. I know you're hurting and scared right now, but if you actually are done, he is doing you a huge favor.

I understand your reply. I am trying to get through today. Today I do not want to give up. Maybe I will tomorrow. Today I do not. I still want R. There are other factors causing his temper flare up and in the past he says things he does not mean. I need a non-inflammatory approach sentence as he is like a lit fuse. I want to defuse the situation and then reassess.

If you don't want a blow up, is there someone you could stay with for the night? If it's so volatile that you need just the right words to say, you'd probably both be better off sleeping on it and having a discussion about where you are tomorrow.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:42 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

He's gone all day tomorrow and sunday. If he comes home tonight soon it will have to be now.

It doesn't have to be now, mainly. You're trying to control how he reacts when you really have no control. It might just be that a few days of not discussing it would be good for you both.

Here are the facts: You can't control him. You can't nice him into doing what you want. There are no "right" words to make him become the husband you deserve.

You may have to cry your heart out over this but you need to let it go for now if you think you're going to fix something that's been going on for years with the right sentence. There is no right sentence because he is going to do what he's going to do regardless of what you say. Let him go. It might just be that he needs to actually see what it's like to not having you try to fix everything in order to realize what he is about to lose.

Maybe you could say "this is quite serious WH. I'd like to have a civilized conversation about things. Perhaps we could set aside a few hours tomorrow to do that? I will need that to make the best decisions for myself, hire an attorney, etc."

If he's truly like a lit fuse tonight, you do not want to incite him further. Plus, nothing will get accomplished. What's HE so pissed off at ?

Whatever you do, please try not to beg and grovel. Be strong. He's being an asshole.

We have not spoken for eight days before tonight so we have definitely had our few days of not discussing. I think it just made everything simmer and simmer hence my wanting to diffuse so no more boiling over occurs. I want to turn off the pilot light. Defuse. So cooler heads can prevail.

Gotme, thanks for the suggestion. He really doesn't ever have a few hours. Right now he works twelve to fourteen hour days. Seven days a week. This is why I know we are not on an even playing field. The odds are stacked against us as his stress is monumental and he has no coping skills except to make me the brunt of his aggravation. I understand all this and it is wrong but I have nothing else to work with. He has said, just get me through this work season, but I need something thrown my way. We have no MC, monumental work stress, very little time together. He really has nothing to give me at this time yet I need attention. Catch 22. And I discovered a second old burner phone that shows years more involvement if I am looking at it right. So I pressed this information to be confronted about. Had to. It made me sick. But I pressed a person who has nothing to give.

I don't want to grovel I just want to know if he is serious or said things in anger. Of course now I am really a mess as he is an hour late from coming home from this hockey game he decided to go to. Where is he? I have to think the worst of course.

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 11:39 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

That's it. Called him, gave me a story as to where he was...maybe true. But exploded on me would not let me say anything....just unleashed on me and derided me being on computer - Si--said I spend all my time trying to find bad things out about him on computer. I said I found your other phone in the garage not on the computer...the one that shows years more of involvement. He says he is done,he is never talking about that or anything else, says t told his psych this week he is never talking about any of it again he's tired of it. Very irate and irrational. No respect or compassion for me at all. I had no voice. Said he works ten times more than me which is true. He told me to move out. go find happy somewhere else. I told him to move out and ended call. I then barricaded the master bedroom I am and he just tried to get in and then screamed bitch and said that's it no discussion ever we are over. I think I got the message. I am afraid of his anger now, he is very angry that I barricaded the bedroom but I wanted a safe zone and I guess I wanted to assume some control some upperhand. Don't really know my motives but do I let him in? He will scream and show anger.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible and scary situation. It is clear your WH has no remorse, which to me seems extra bad since he had a LTA.

Tears said it well,

Let him go. It might just be that he needs to actually see what it's like to not having you try to fix everything in order to realize what he is about to lose.

Give him a dose of reality and get away. Let him see what its like being without you and his reaction will show you how he truly feels.

In no way do you let him in an if he persists then you call the cops. He is unstable if he is scaring you enough to barricade the door and is raging at you. You do NOT deserve his rage nor his name calling!

Please be careful and take this very, very seriously. I lived through numerous rages and still thought my ex would never hit me. I was wrong and found nose nose at the end not his fist for asking questions about his cheating. I did the same as you and barricaded the door until I moved out. You can not talk him down, calm him down or be sweet when he rages. You can only take his threats seriously and have the cops remove him for your safety.

He is out of control and these rages won't stop as long as you do nothing! He will escalate and can become violent. Please stay away from him and email a trusted friend telling them what is happening right now. This can be used as proof that you are afraid of him!

Stay safe.

IMO, the ONLY, very slim chance that you have to be in R is to make him move out, file for divorce, and stop talking to the liar. Seriously.

Well I tried to talk to him and he in just wound up with rage. He is rewriting history and says that he is fed up with me accusing him of things he didn't do. There really has not been much of that, there has been me always verifying, with damn good reason, and him not really settling any of my fears. I tried to talk to him but he just kept saying he is done and putting me down for trying to find helpe here which he sees as me hunting for things wrong with him. When I say the phone I found is real he says hes never talking about it and I should have just gone forward in life with him and forgot the past. That he was not in contact with her but no I could not do that. I really didnt get to say anything. He was incensed that I blocked the door and he said that that is it I showed him that I didn't want him and so its over. Very juvenile would not listen that I felt vulnerable with him raging just says it meant that I did not want him so its over. I guess shifting the blame to me and my locking the door on one night. I tried tosay I think that is a very little thing compared to what you put me throught, that in the last twelve months I have had two ddays, my mother's death, and found out he was using cocaine. Doesn't matter, he says, I locked the door. Just illogical. Maybe he just is through and wanted to blame me. Doesn't feel good at all. I tried three times to get him to come to bed but he anrily said toleave him alone he is done and I didn't want him so he is done. I said should I call a lawyer, he says do what you want , go on your little computer and ask your friends what to do. I am done. You can find out what its like to live by yourself and not spend all day finding out things about me. The third time I appealed, told him that I know loves me he says no you don't,no you don't when I say I love him he says I don't show it whcih is sonot true, that I spend time finding things wrong. I say they are the truth and he just kept repeating his mantra of I'm done. I told him I would pack up his stuff when he is at work today but he yelled don't touchmystuf I will pack it tomorrow. Which would mean another night of him coming home and raging and the next day. I have no one to call I called my sister but she doesn't answer. I don't know what to do. The fear I have is that this is a blameshifting rage, that he does leave, and he possibly contacts OW and starts using. Or I fear he is doing this because he is already with OW and wants to make the breakup my fault. What do I do tha twill have the besult result. Should I call his brother?

Wow.

Ok - as is often said here, sometimes to save your marriage you need to be willing to let it go. I think you are the poster child for this phrase. Your H is emotionally abusive. You found a phone showing a lot more cheating, and he has the nerve to bitch about work? Really? How selfish is this man? "Yes, I've lied, I've cheated for a decade. I'm emotionally abusive and refuse to speak to you because you're hurting. But hey, I work a lot, so tough shit."

mainlyinpain, he has you so twisted from his abuse that you're actually saying he does work a lot and that you shouldn't have confronted because he had nothing to give. HE CHEATED AND LIED - I don't care if he has been on his feet for 36 hours, you had every right to call him out and confront him. You are not an accessory, and he's treating you like you should only be doing things that make him happy. If you don't, he shuts you out.

If I were you, I would not let him in or respond to anything he says for the rest of the weekend, if he says anything. I would see a lawyer on Monday and file. He's so used to abusing you that he thinks nothing of it, and thinks you won't go anywhere. Let him know you're done being mistreated, cheated on, lied to. If he comes back, it's on YOUR terms, not his. He's the one with the work to do, not you. If he doesn't come back, well, I'm sorry but D was going to happen, so why not get that ball rolling.

You can't keep letting him dictate the relationship. He's been unfaithful for far too long. There are too many lies.

What are your boundaries? Write them down. Decide what you will and won't accept. Then it's his choice - he either lives within those boundaries, or he lives without you.

mainlyinpain, please don't take this as judgment or criticism. From your post here, it sounds like you've been being emotionally abused by him for so long you've gotten things mixed up. He's the broken one. It's not up to you to figure out how to say things. It's not fair that he acts like a child and doesn't speak to you for a week, and then explodes. I don't care how busy he is. I'm busy this time of year too. I don't abuse my H because of it.

Please, stop thinking about how not to anger him and start thinking about what you need, want and will accept. You know this isn't right. You know this won't get better if you just keep riding it out. You don't want the rest of your life to be with someone that threatens to abandon you every time he gets annoyed. You don't want someone that cheats and then gets infuriated that you dare ask about it. You deserve better, and honestly, he doesn't. He deserves to be left in the dust, still thinking he's some great prize. He's treating you like you're lucky he's still there. In reality, he's lucky. He's a liar and a cheat, and he has a wife that is willing to work things out.

Boundaries - what are they? Abuse - how do you get away from it? Marriage - a joint effort, or one party catering to another to avoid verbal whiplash and emotional starvation?

Please, consider these things, and be very willing to let him go. IMO, at this point it's the only way that you can rebalance your M.

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 5:50 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

painful past,

every sentence you wrote is spot on. I still am very mind muddled and scared. I fear him as a divorce opponent because he can be ruthless.

I did talk to my sister, she was not much help but said she would go with me when I need to see a lawyer. So I don't feel so all alone.

I also talked to my younger brother who is a corporate lawyer. He was so kind and supportive and said he will help in any way. I asked if he could come over tomorrow for moral support if indeed my WH does start packing up and leaves as I know that will be hurtful. I don't think WH will come home until late tonight so maybe I can avoid him and go to bed early.

I told my brother everything which was hard. He plays b-ball with my husband almost every Monday. His kids sometimes work in my WH office.

This morning the only thing he said was don't touch my stuff I will pack tomorrow. I really don't have the energy to pack his stuff and don't want the rage if I do so...we shall see.

I still feel the barbs of all he said to me and how I could not defend any as I was not allowed to speak. I mostly feel the pain of him rejecting my trying to get him to sleep in bed, he acted as if I repelled him. Such rage and anger one has to feel like they have done something wrong, grieviously wrong to have elicited that. But I know it is as you say, he only wants me to make him happy, anything else and I am shut out. Why is this? When I talked to my brother I remarked that I never have a conversation with my WH like this, where he offers comfort and tells me what his take on this is, is reflective. Of course when it is about someone else it is easier but still.....I see WH here at SI being reflective and digging deep for answers, my WH wants to hide everything and never talk about it again---for him---but what about what I need?

I have to think that he really is involved with OW to have elicited such a dramatic reversal and emphatic avowal of it being over. I don't think he would do that without a safety net.

I am very sad. You all know this drill. Am I moving down the topic section to divorce? What a wasted life this has been. I am sad for my son. I will never risk my heart again.

(((mainlyinpain)))

I'm just so so sorry, sweety. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

Like most responders have mentioned, you are mired in the bargaining phase. This is not your fault - you are confused and in pain and hoping that he will somehow become the person you need him to be. We've all been there to some degree.

Hear us when we tell you that you can't do anything to control him. Even if he shows you his "non-inflammatory" side from time to time, that doesn't mean that it's worth it to stay through the rest of the emotional abuse.

Sometimes we feel obliged to try and fix this - whether it's out of shame or to try and protect our kids. We feel obliged because there ARE good minutes, hours, or even days. At the end of the day, you don't HAVE to try and make this work. He's showing you his true colors with the outbursts as well as the NC. He's showing you who he is when he yells and calls you names.

You deserve a life free from this. It's going to be hard and scary to let it sink in that you can't control him, but once you do you can use your energy to control the things in your life that you need to make yourself safe and respected.

It's not going to happen overnight. Be gentle with yourself, and take little baby steps towards the light and away from this mess.

I see WH here at SI being reflective and digging deep for answers, my WH wants to hide everything and never talk about it again---for him---but what about what I need?

I think this tells you everything you need to know, main.

I don't know your story in full, but what I get from reading this string of posts is a situation in which you're driving yourself nuts thinking about what's going on inside his head and thoughts, altering your actions to avoid riling him up, and basically just failing to establish any non-negotiable unalterable terms for your relationship and life (aka boundaries).

You seem highly co-dependent to me, and I mean that sympathetically, as I used to be similar. When I read this thread, I just see someone focused on an outcome that may never come to pass, and that her partner doesn't seem to care about. Reconciliation takes two.

I hope that you get some measure of resolution soon.

Thanks you Jrazz,

I found myself straining to read your every word like I am parched, empty and your words sustain me, let me go on. I am so hurt and broken, afraid to move lest that intensify the hurt. I will move slowly if I am able. I am so sad to lose this person who has been with me so long. I miss who he was. This May would be our 30th. We will not be grandparents together and worse he may try to include this possible OW in the mix to any grandchildren or DIL I may (hope) have. I know I can't think of that yet it haunts me.

Facepunched, I don't even know what boundaries are anymore, esp don't know how to have the power to have them and make sure they are enforced and what to make as a consequence and how enact it. You kinda have to have someone first who wants to know what your boundaries are. Probably don't need to know anymore but that whole thing there is about power and I have none, do not come from a place of power. I know I have been manipulated and conditioned and I barely know how to verbalize what I feel from what I get and don't get from him. His actions and inactions are beyond logical or right to me. Except that they are usually all about him.

I still am so worried that he is with OW, like now, or on the phone earlier. Not mostly that I care that he wants her but that something is still being done to me behind my back.

Or am I nuts and there is no communication?

Make it stop. I am afraid for when he comes home. Send me strength please. I feel alone..