SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I found out my wife was cheating on me with a friend of ours . We have 2 kids as they do as well . You can imagine that this affair affects many more people than the four adults as our kids go to the same school etc. I was suspicious after finding flirtatious texts from him with sexual innuendo , I immediately confronted my wife and was brushed off but believe at that time nothing was going on , but still pissed at my so called friend. She changed her pass code to her pod but I got in again to find more of the same chat I wanted to confront him or his wife but felt that if it was just innocent flirting I could ruin our friendship, and at this time I believe still nothing was going on. Months later jan 31 I found condoms in her pack , I was sure it was going on yet still found myself making reasons why she may have them. I said nothing to her about them but when I came home that night 1 condom was missing ..... Busted , she confessed . I sent him of a nasty text etc.Now we are in counselling and working through this , I have to see this guy at our kids school and it drives me mad , I know I will confront him face to face and I do want to hurt him more mentally than physically!!i haven't spoke to his wife yet but want to as well , we wave to each other but that's it so far. I am hoping for the best but am not sure how this will all play out. I have not been the perfect husband but have listened to my wife and have mad effects to better myself before all this happened . I am a mess inside at times but don't want to keep on her about this and ruin our chances of success! Wish us luck!

Gordon14,

Sorry you are here. You will read many stories here and find that there is a common script among WS (wayward spouse) as to their behavior. I wouldn't be surprised your WW (Wayward Wife) is still in contact with the OM (Other Man). If you can get copies of those text conversations off her phone and forward them to your phone or an email account and print them out, that information will help you when you tell his wife about it. Your WW and OM maybe still be in contact and trying to come up with a story about you being crazy before you have a chance to tell his wife what's going on. She deserves to know.

My situation was the same as yours - my wife and the friend having an unhealthy relationship at the start. No marriage is perfect, and you will here us saying that we each own 50% of the marriage problems, but the A (affair) is 100% all on your WW. Don't let that slide for one second and hold her accountable for that. Definitely read through the materials in the Healing Library in the left column to start your plan of healing and dealing with your situation. Also, know that you will find amazing support here, so keep posting and venting. We will help on what way we can to make sense of all this, especially when you are or about to get the gaslighting from both WW and OM. In my situation, I've told the BW (Betrayed Wife) of the OM about this website so she can start her own healing.

Hang in there. More of us will post and help you through this.

His wife is aware of this affair , I haven't spoken to face to face yet but intend to soon as our children are friends and want play dates etc. something's we have to consider although we need a new set of rules as the cheating half can not have contact at all , that's how I feel anyway and I'm sure she would feel the same!

You need to transition away from having contact with this couple. You and your wife need to agree on an explanation to your children why you are no longer allowing them to have play dates with the other couple's children. You will not be able to rebuild your marriage unless you end all contact to the greatest extent possible.

[This message edited by wewillmakeit at 6:06 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

Gordon

Judge her by her actions not by her words.

Your wife was the condom keeper, not him.

She needs to figure out why she felt it was ok to cheat on you.

Trust your gut.

And make her figure out her issues now.

Otherwise she will just do it again.

HM

Don't confront him - esp not at school

He is slime and not worth your anger.

His wife, however, needs and deserves to know the truth - as soon as possible.

Silence is complicity

I just feel I want to make home hurt as our families were friends , we were fairly close , holidays etc together . I want to tell him I will offer his wife a revenge F. I want him to know well ok you Fukt my wife but I found out quickly as I was suspicious of him and u Fukt your life!! As his wife is aware now. But at the same time I don't want to hurt her as I know exactly how she is feeling , betrayed by spouse and close friend !!!! And our kids are still good friends ! The whole situation just sucks and yet it kinda feels like life just goes on as everything is normal right now because now body knows about it . Really weird I guess the 4 of us are all suffering but life must go on!

Just been reading a few posts and was wondering what exactly is the 180 people are speaking of ??? I assume cutting her off ? The cold shoulder ? What ? And can this be productive if we want to work it out ?

Hi Gordon, I'm so sorry you are here. What a mess you have been placed in by your WW!

The 180 is shorthand for focusing on yourself and detaching. Personally (I am not an expert!) I think it is useful as a way to protect your feelings from further damage...seeing that you have your own identity apart from your wife and do not need her. That gives you the space to be (more) rational, instead of just climbing on to what once was. In the upper left corner of the site is a yellow box with some links; under the healing library link there is a FAQ for BS that includes a fuller explanation.

The main thing now is just to figure out where your WW is at emotionally and mentally. Is she remorseful? Does she resent being found out? Does she accept full blame and wish to make amends? That is what needs to be there for counseling to work. And of course the friendship with the other family has to end.

Again I'm so sorry. You did not do anything to deserve this. It's such a selfish and stupid immature action with awful fallout but you are not to blame.

So today my wife informs me that his wife has contacted her via email. I ask what she said and she does not want to talk about it . I feel I should know but maybe it is non of my business, I did not tell my wife what my ex loser friend said so I think she is holding this against me . I feel I have all the questions my wife doesn't !!! Actually she should have all the answers!!

Wow, our stories are similar, the one thing your WW can give you and needs to give you is total transparency. She needs to answer each and every question you have.

In my case I reached out to OWs BH because we were all friends, we compared notes to make sure we both knew everything, also two spies are better than one. We are both watching our WSs for slip ups and violating NC, so if I don't catch it maybe he will.

I also contacted OW via text and she immediately shared it with her BH, no secrets anymore. The only part I am lucky in is that the other couple in my story do not live in use town, I don't have to worry about bumping into them.

Best of luck to you, take care of yourself. (((Hugs)))

First off, sorry that you are here.

As to this:

So today my wife informs me that his wife has contacted her via email. I ask what she said and she does not want to talk about it . I feel I should know but maybe it is non of my business, I did not tell my wife what my ex loser friend said so I think she is holding this against me . I feel I have all the questions my wife doesn't !!! Actually she should have all the answers!!

You are going to learn, in a very short time, that if your marriage is to have ANY chance of making it, your wife needs to have remorse---which she does not, at this time.

With remorse, comes several must-haves:

--No Contact with the other man

--Total transparency

--Total honesty

As much as you think(hope) that the two of you are "working on it" right now---you are not. She is not committed, and I am willing to bet that she has not given you full disclosure. She is showing textbook wayward behavior, and you should not tolerate it. You can't control her, and her decisions---but you do control your own.

DO NOT ACCEPT WHAT SHE IS GIVING YOU.

I know that you are scared. We all were at one point or another. But this fear will keep you from making the strong decisions that you will need to get yourself out of this despair. The other guy is a POS...no doubt about that...but your wife was an active participant. And she was the one that took vows with you. Hold her accountable.

Please keep reading and keep posting. You will be amazed at how much you can learn here. If you stick with us, we can help you dodge a lot of land mines that will slow down your recovery. We have all been there...and done that.

You are stronger than you think you are. You can do this.

So today my wife informs me that his wife has contacted her via email. I ask what she said and she does not want to talk about it . I feel I should know but maybe it is non of my business, I did not tell my wife what my ex loser friend said so I think she is holding this against me . I feel I have all the questions my wife doesn't !!! Actually she should have all the answers!!

Everything is your business now. Privacy in your marriage is for the bathroom. Everything else, especially communications, is open to transparency. Your wife may be embarrassed, but that ship sailed when she opened the condom. Knowing what is being said between the AP couple is a need for you not a want. Tell your wife if she is not open and honest with you that you will contact the other BS immediately to get your information. Do not give her even 5 minutes to decide and get her story straight with the OM. Your WS is probably in damage control right now and that is not conducive to R.

How old are the children?

Your family needs to move on, move houses, or even move towns. This is a very hard consequence for the A that your WS owns. It will be hard, but nothing about R from an A is easy or fair. NC means NC. If the cheaters are in close proximity for anything, your R will be nearly impossible. Do not let the "we can be mature adults about this" speech get in your way. How has that served you so far?

How do you know that OM wife knows? Did your wife tell you or did he tell you?

You need to realize that your wife is a cheater and cheaters lie.

Contact the OM wife (don't tell your wife you are doing this) and find out what she knows. You will not be hurting her more. Your wife and the OM did that.

Thank you all . Yes I am scared . We are all saying we don't want to disrupt our kids 10yo and 7yo boys them 10yo boy and 7yo girl . We live around the corner from each other same school and church . We were hoping the kids may have play dates with the grandmother ( skums mum) or with her and I when possible but I am not sure how she feels at this time . I know I want no contact with my wife and him or me and him. My counselled told me not to ask wife if she is contacting him . I assume she is not.......for now . Th e gut feeling is gone now that its all out and my anxiety is mostly gone. We meet this th with counsellor I may ask in that environment about no contact and kids etc . Just for her opinion as well.

She knows as he and my wife told me . I also contacted her just to let her know I was open to talk , I have not heard from her . I also see her at school and recognize the "the look" that I see everyday in the mirror.

Gordon:

Your wife is being a bitch; time to 180 hard. She needs to answer any and all questions that you ask. Her being secretive and a lying ass is what got you all into this mess to begin with. Talk to the OM's wife, compare stories. I would also see an attorney. It is always good to know what your options are.

Here is the 180; print it out and refer to it often.

What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It

A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

Thank you I have read the180 rules and admitted I have been making some mistakes . Being kinda needy giving lots of hugs etc . Our anniversary is coming up am I not to celebrate it? I do still love her . As I told her I was loving her before and during the affair ( which I was only suspicious of at the time)and still do after. We are sleeping together now after 10 days or so when I slept downstairs. But how can we move foreword without loving each other?

She knows as he and my wife told me . I also contacted her just to let her know I was open to talk , I have not heard from her . I also see her at school and recognize the "the look" that I see everyday in the mirror.

In my situation, I was that wife. I was told by my STBXW and the OM that the OM's wife (YOU in your situation) "is crazy and is about to accuse us of having an affair!"

Thus, in my situation when the OM's wife finally came to me she even had printouts of their texts and showed it to me. She was VERY emotional about it. My first reaction is "you're crazy and you are reading too much into these texts." I didn't admit it at the time but I was in total denial of what was evidenced right then and there before me. My STBXW and her OM had no clue what was given to me. But when they did, they were scared shitless and contact between them DID continue, they just stopped texting directly to each other and changed email accounts. They called each other from their work phones.

For you, that OM's wife may have either been gaslighted by the OM and your WW already, or she may be in shock right now and don't know what to believe. This is based on my personal experience (and many that you can read here) but I believe your WW and the OM are in damage control mode now. Especially when talk of not want to "disrupt" normal schedules take place. To me, this is talk of "rugsweeping", and you definitely DO NOT want that to happen.

Do both yourself and the OM's wife a favor and gather evidence of the affair and secure it. Make printouts of their conversations. Jot down dates or any relevant information you think the two "Luuurv" birds got together. Prepare this in a packet to give her for her own copy to keep. When the OM's wife is ready to talk to you, give her that packet and talk to her as calm as you can. Try not to be over emotional.

If it were up to me, I would nix the anniversary celebration. You need to show her how much damage she has done to you, your kids, and the OM's wife and her kids. But that's me.

Now get back to that 180. You'll need to do this for you and your kids.

I am concerned that your counselor told you not to ask if she was still in contact with AP. Why on God's green earth would they say that? That is one of the golden rules for R and would be a non negotiable deal breaker.

Is this her IC, your IC or your MC? This sounds like someone who does not have experience in healing after infidelity and goes contrary to any advice given on SI.

If this is the advice your WW is receiving, no wonder things are not going well.

Again, gently, your children will find other friends with your help. They only have one father and one mother. I would bet they would vote for the two of you to stay together, given a choice. That is going to be compromised if you continue trying to act like nothing happened and continue contact, even through other conduits, "for the children". Give up the whole friendship, for the children.