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Recovery/Reconciliation seems to be going well almost 7 months after DDay 1 (about 6 months after DDay 2). But some recent triggers seem to be an indication that I'm not doing as well as I'd like.

About 4 weeks ago, I took down some framed family photos that were framed in photo frames that were given to me and WW as wedding presents by OM many years ago (before the affair). I said that I thought our recovery might be facilitate by "re-framing" our relationship... a way of looking forward and taking down what would otherwise be a trigger. My IC helped me think of how to "frame" this point, but I expressed the concern/anxiety that WW would say "they're just frames..."

That's exactly what happened. WW said that she "understood" why I wanted to take the frames down, but that, in her view, they were "just picture frames."

So I was looking for a way forward. Still am. But in the last few weeks (all post-frame discussions), I'm triggering on things big time.

Example: WW was on her way out the door tonight with three books in her hand. I recognized one of the three at a glance. Since it was a book that I bought several years ago for us to read to each other (which we did), it's kind of "special"... or so I thought.

So I asked what she was doing with the books, and she said she was lending them to a (male) co-worker who reads all the time. She didn't ask if she could lend them... this only came up because I asked what she was doing with the books.

Prior to the affair, I was never the jealous type. But now... well, the fact that one of the three books was one that I bought for us to read to each other (which we did)... well... ugh!

I hate this. I am certain that the whole thing is "innocent" as far as WW is consciously aware. And probably it's actually innocent, too. But I just wonder why WW isn't just a little more sensitive to my potential triggers...

I know that what often happens on this forum is that I'm going to be warned that my WW can't be trusted and that she's probably planning or engaging in an affair. I suppose that's a possibility (so consider me aware of the warning, OK?).

What I'm really looking for, though, is some advice on how to deal with triggers. So all of the above is largely venting, but advice on triggers is very welcome.

Uh... Just looked at my own signature. Not 7 months post DDay; less than 5 months. It feels like an eternity, though.

Ughhh!!!!

IMO, triggers are feelings coming to the surface. To me - TMMV - the pain of being betrayed is bearable, so I generally welcome triggers and let my feelings flow, since they're just feelings. That generally works for me.

If they were getting close to unbearable, I'd seek help via some therapy for trauma like EMDR or EFT. Fortunately, no trigger has gotten that bad for me. Again, YMMV.

I get triggering on the book, because it is special for you, but it may not be special for your W. D-Day for me was ow's birthday. My W was giving her a stuffed bear with an old T-shirt on it. I donated the bear to a charity's shop but triggered badly, because the T-shirt had meant a lot to me. But it was old, threadbare, and essentially unwearable, so it was disposable to my W, even though it had been special.

I suggest talking to your W about 1) things that are special to you and her, and 2) ground rules for what you do and do not do for acquaintances.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:47 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)]

I think the most important thing is keeping the communication lines open. If that triggered you, tell her. Tell her why the book is special. Tell her how her "friendship" with this coworker makes you feel. Talk, talk, talk.

I mean it.

It's what's saving our marriage. For 15 years I kept the hard stuff inside. Now I share it. Not yelling and screaming (most of the time) but talking and expressing.

It took a long time to get the boundary stuff clear, a lot of hard discussions and soul searching. We're 9 months (ish) out and I think we have that part sorted, though new scenarios may still arise.

Anyway, your post made it sound to me like you're keeping your triggers inside. How can your W help you heal if you don't express your feelings? Give her the opportunity to be there for you.

For me triggers come and go. I am almost 3 years post D-Day. My triggers are less frequent and less intrusive than they were. Time heals all wounds.

Now it is more her triggers than mine. We have had several times where she feels awful about all that she did. We cry together until it passes. We discuss it fairly regular. Nothing earth shattering just look where we were and where we are now type things.

The key to it all for us is communications. We talk about it all. We hide nothing. We make sure we see things in the same light. I now understand how she was feeling during that time. I understand it had little to nothing to do with me. But talking all this through takes time. It was about a year before I stopped being angry when I triggered.

Best of luck on beating those triggers.

First of all if you were brave enough to share a trigger with you, and she blew it off, you need to pay attention. This is NOT doing the work of R. She should be doing anything and everything in the world to help you heal. If that means throwing away old frames that he gave you then do it. If she doesn't support you, then tell her you don't care if she thinks they are "just frames" and that you deserve more respect than that.

Personally I would take those suckers down and burn them. I burned a lot of stuff in R. It was cathartic and helped me heal. My H had a coffee mug of a certain place that OW loved, and went to. I was almost a year out, when I stumbled upon it in the basement. Know what I did? I called H and said hey I just found a coffee mug that the homewrecker gave you. Do you want me to wait till you get home to destroy or go ahead and do it now? That time he chose to participate with me, we took that sucker to the driveway, and we used a 15 pound sledge on it, til it was dust. It was awesome. That's what a WS does to help their BS heal.

Triggers are hard and sometimes the weirdest things will cause it. A lot of dealing with them and getting rid of them has to do with removing the emotion from it. When something makes you trigger try to figure out the why of it. Because it reminds you of who she was when she had the A? Because it scares you? If you can understand the feelings behind it it gives you a direction in how to handle it. Mementos like the frames though that shit has to go.

Behaviors from your wife, those have to be talked through, and figure out a way stop it, or change it.

This giving a book that was for you two, to someone else, when she acted like no biggie did you clam up, or did you say hey wait a minute. That book has very special meaning to me, and I want to keep it. Please don't share it.

Like my H told me often in R, because I like to keep the peace, if I don't speak up, then he can't possible know what I am thinking. He isn't a mind reader and neither is your wife, if you express your feelings, and she disregards them, then you have to push the issue, if she still doesn't get it, then maybe she doesn't really get any of it.

It's easy to plug along in day to day life, and pretend this stuff never happened, but when the triggers come, and they will, for a long time, how you both react and deal with them will tell you who she is.

My FWW threw away many things that may be potential triggers. But what do you do with things like your wedding photos, which she showed her AP while playing footsie with him. All this crap....AAARGH!

T/J

My H told me has throwing out a very nice pair of jeans he had because he had a flash memory of AP telling him they made his butt look nice He put them on the back porch (on the way to the garbage but not IN the can) and one of the teenagers saw them and brought them to me... Uhh, why are dad's jeans outside in the rain? So I put them in the laundry and washed them and mentioned it to H. He was so apologetic, I kept saying "it's ok" but he said " no, it's not ok, I said I was throwing them out and then I was too lazy to actually do it. I'm sorry. I never want you to see these jeans again. Never!" And he took them out to the trash.

Now, it originally was his trigger but of course as soon as I knew that she liked them it became my trigger as well. And he really took it so seriously. That's what helps you heal.

End T/J