SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm needing some serious tips here! I am so down in the dumps. 20 years ago I gave up my career, my family, even my country, to marry my husband and move here. It took lots of hoops and time to even get the licensure to be able to work here. I realize now he avoided real connection with me the entire marriage. His actions were that of erasing me, always. A constant power struggle. Now he is with the woman he thrust in my face for years (as a colleague and "family friend"), gaslighting me. At least it's out in the open now.

But I'm hurting that he still continues to flaunt this. He admits he's addicted to her, to the feelings he has, typical fog stuff.... His behavior even says this relationship is more important than his as a father, which really riles me.

I just feel so alone and abandoned. I want to move back, but the law says the kids need to stay here (it's quebec, and they have racist language laws--can't have kids going to places where they--god-forbid--speak english!) I have been the breadwinner all these years, very strong, making the decisions...and I am crumbling. My strength is sapped. I am broken. I have no family here to support me and hold me and cradle me while I am crying. I am losing my temper in front of the kids being angry with him, saying mean things about him when I can't hold it in any longer (not good I know).

I know in my head he is a douchebag coward. And something in me wants him to suffer as much as I am, knowing the family is broken, so I keep goading him, provoking him, calling him names. I know NC is the way to go, but I am too sick and broken right now. Truth be told, this behavior sometimes pushes the guilt button in him, which gives me some satisfaction.

Please tell me what you tell yourself (or do) when you are tempted to miss them, or to call them, or to provoke them--so that you don't. I am completely unable at this moment to control myself. Tough love for me is fine, too...just help me.

Thanks.

(((hugs)))

I think that at the early months (which I am guessing you are in?) I just gave myself permission to be in a funk. I set a time limit. I set a small goal for accomplishing. I made very tiny lists. It felt good to complete and cross off things.

1. Get up

2. Drive kids to school

3. Pick kids up

Seriously, those were huge accomplishments for awhile.

Let go of what you can't change: his desire or ability to be a good father

Focus on what you can: be a stable parent, and forgive yourself for the times when you aren't.

What finally made sense to me (I am an analogy person) was that wanting him to hurt? Wanting/needing FAIR and for him to PAY, that burning need that was like acid in the stomach...

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Or holding an ember and wishing for the other person to burn.

Sending Bible quotes or self help blogs and articles, shaming him... none of that works. But it does poison you a bit at a time.

(((more hugs)))

I also read a lot here when I was in a funk. If you haven't found the quote thread down in fun and games? Have a look.

I HAD to get it out -I wrote in a journal, I wrote him letters (that were never sent). I concentrated on small tasks -today I'll cook dinner instead of getting fast food. Today I'll take a shower and condition my hair.

I did take time each day and do something for me! Read a book for 15 minutes, take a long luxurious bath, do my nails, light a fragrant candle (XH was allergic).

When the anger hit me I pulled weeds, beat a tree with a nerf bat, used a heavy bag, chopped wood. I had a lot of anger.

Ah I feel for you. I read your bio too. He sounds a bit like my STBXWH I am sorry.He is a coward,a selfish fucktard.

That comment your STBXWH made about getting every penny from you... Really? Like it's not enough to blow up you and your kids' lives? He should have the decency to just float away, like a turd in a river to hell.

What keeps me sane (sometimes) is my friends, IRL. Also, reading here each day. Therapy, and an IRL support group with other survivors of this kind of madness. My son, also. He is witty and bright, and I often see how no matter what he is going to be just fine, and that gives me so much peace sometimes.

Sucks though. Most days, I have a cathartic meltdown at least once, and usually more.

Ah, and the special kind of fun of being in one's

50's and having to start some new dealie-do.

Self care - exercise, water, nutritious food, community - helps a lot for some slow forward motion.

((((hugs))))

I cannot say I acted perfectly after D-day, I did not. I said ugly stuff, I named called, I bitched him out...I felt justified. Like Care said, I permitted myself to be shitty - and I was allowed, you know?

But at some point, I said to myself, "Do you want to look back on this and regret the way you handled things?"

I said no; maybe it's not been perfect but it's been to my standard. You do tire of calling someone out that doesn't get it. You realize you and the kids are the new 'unit' and you work towards making that great.

I also had no family here (still don't), so I was sorta extra pissed; like WE come here and then you F us over?! But it's made me and my kids stronger, sadly. HE's missing out.

When you're tempted to contact, you draft a Word doc or email (with no one in the 'send to'). You say all your shitty stuff and then you get to delete. It's quite cathartic! You have to remind yourself - they don't care, they just don't; as sucky as it is.

Take care of YOU. Take care of those kids. THAT's what matters in the end. ((mamazen))

I tell myself it's ok to feel and grieve, that I made mistakes but I didn't deserve the maltreatment and chaos and constant drama. I need a strong independent partner who is calm and sees the forest through the trees, someone who cares about taking care of herself, and supports her husband and kids. The world does not revolve solely around her and her narcissism. I look toward my religion, my passions, exercise, friends, accept quiet moments relishing not having to walk on eggshells, I look forward to being in a healthier relationship where love is reciprocated and feelings are not devalued. When down, do something you enjoy.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 1:16 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

I tell myself..."We could've had a child/children..."

A decade of crazy.

Sending you huge hugs!

Oh mamazen ... sending you big hugs! The most important thing I did that helped was to focus on myself. I reached out to IRL family and friends, read and posted in SI, therapy, yoga, planning my future, cut my hair, started going to church, had a mani/pedi ... everything focused on my needs and what I needed to do to grieve, heal and move forward. It is so hard and I slipped but got back up and refocused on me.

What is one thing you can do for YOU?

I, too, have a husband who, while content to exploit me for things he fiund useful, sought (seeks, still) to erase me when my existence is inconvenient. I'm sorry you share this experience.

For me, getting out of a funk involves taking care of myself (the way I should have, all along). This means eating well (and cooking, even if just for me, because the process is meditative), exercising (long walks with my dog, which are a double dose of good because I get both exercise and connection), and getting enough rest.

Also key, for me, is reminding myself to let go of what I can't control. Surrendering has been so vital to me that I have the word, "surrender" tattooed inside my left wrist. It frees up the emotional space occupied by fruitless worry and rumination.

It's really the only thing I tell myself. The rest involves doing.

I have to add: it took me a long time to identify these things, and longer still to consistently put them to work. Early on, it was valuable to give myself permission to feel how I felt--which, as elementary as it sounds, was a fairly foreign concept to me.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:58 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

I tell myself:

* I am a better person than him (yes I say it).

* There are better people out there, give them your energy.

* I deserve better.

* Its not me its him.

I am not saying it's easy, but try to let go of the idea that you can make him suffer punishment. It's out of your hands. If I could do some deal with the devil to make him suffer endlessly....I'd be tempted. But in that (far-out hypothetical) scenario, it's my soul I'd be wagering, you know? And I think it is in real life too, when you send your energy onto wishing him harm instead of putting it into your own healing.

It's unfair, but you have to accept that you can't make him get it or make him unhappy. The NC is so you can take your energy and conserve it for your own use.

If you're stuck where you are right now, try to build up your local support group. Reach out to people and let yourself be vulnerable. It's okay to need help.

I come to SI, go for a walk, or get together with a friend. I try to focus on how many things I have to be grateful about in my life. I think of anger as "being present" instead of just "being angry" even though sometimes, the anger threatens to overwhelm me, just like the grief does but I try to remember that I can feel others things, too.

Ice cream. I take the kids for ice cream when I'm down.

t/j

On a side note, maybe a trip to France is in order. It always makes me laugh the way the Quebequois consider themselves French when the French consider them only a slightly higher form of American. It's a stereotype and unfair, but it amuses me.

((Hugs!))

I did things that got my mind off him altogether. I baked a ton of cookies (and then gave them all away so I wouldn't eat them all ). I cleaned. I worked out (no I didn't, but I thought really hard about working out). I shopped. I focused on my kids. I came to SI. I made lists, too.

The deal with the devil thing....in the beginning I wasn't so vengeful. Now - it'd be a close thing - my soul for his suffering. Hopefully this passes soon.

What do I tell myself: May not be healthy but this is what I do:

I look in the mirror and say " I am a bad ass woman, and I am a great ass wife, another man would love to have me because I take care of mine"

I am beautiful, strong, smart, LOVING, forgiving, God fearing woman, A GREAT MOM, I have empathy and compassion for other.

I am not selfish. I am not a taker. I am not a user. I think of other first most of the time.

I am a GOOD woman and it is his lose.

Then, I look up different things to cook and get my mind off of him and us and I cook or do canning.

I just started to workout again and that feels GREAT!

I read and play games on my kindle.

I try to spend time with my kids and grandson when they are not busy.

I watch movies.

Yes, there are times I feel so down and sad, that I start crying and have a little pity party, but I have to pack my things up and move on from that because I don't want to be a hostage to the pity or anger.

You tell yourself the tomorrow is for you and yours. You have heard that the best revenge is to live well. Focus on the future, and what will make life better for you and your children. If you can move to France, can't you go anywhere in the European union? There is still a lot of world out there, and you need to be discovering it. If you have any ideas about support and settlement figures, start looking into possibilities for new places to live, or a new job. The world is waiting for you. Don't forget that you will be the parent to show your children how to live their lives, and start by planning yours.

That is a great question. In the beginning, I just cried. Cried and cried and cried. Cried until I could not cry any more. Then took a hot bath, drank hot tea and listened to classical music. Anything to try to find a sense of calm in the midst of the storm.

When I started to miss him, I reminded myself of who he really was - a liar and a cheat. Not the person I thought I married. When I wanted to talk to him, I reminded myself that that was one of the quickest way for me to slide into pain. No contact = no (additional) pain.

When I want to read the OW facebook page, remind myself that this would only cause me more pain. If I wanted to ask mutual friends how he was doing, reminded myself this would only cause more pain.

Eventually, I didn't want any more pain.

I still wish the karma bus would slam dump him (just being honest).

When I get into a funk now, I give myself time to just feel the feeling and then I allow myself to move on. Call a friend, listen to some music, take a drive, walk on the beach, eat cookies, go window shopping. I remind myself that there is honesty in my house, integrity in my house and that I treat myself far better than my STBX did. I remind myself what a strong, whole, loving and kind woman I am. And that the feelings will pass.

My mediation is set for next month, so once I have an idea of what my settlement will be, I can start to focus more on my future. I have been in limbo for the past 16 months. I remind myself that I get to create the kind of life I want to live.

Great thread!

I remind myself that we had a good marriage, and we could have had a great marriage if HE had been as committed to it and me as he claimed to be.

C

I tell myself that I will be OK without him and, in fact, will be better than OK.

I tell my kids to remember the good times we had as a family, that his actions take nothing away from the things we got to do (Trips to Europe, Alaska, Hawaii, many cruises to the Caribbean, ski trips, day trips to NYC, amusement park trips etc.)

We are planning a Divorce Cruise ... we will all three have a blast on!

I contact friends, family or SI'ers ... it all helps.

I am recovering from major surgery, ice packs, oxycodone and a walker ... lol ... so this is very apropos!