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My husband who was a serial cheater before we married Is currently at the beach for a golf/bachelor trip. Yesterday he added his girlfriend before me on Facebook. I looked through his page this morning and saw that he liked her picture. It was an innocent pic but that's how it starts. He gauges her to see if conversation can take place and then it's off to the races. He has sworn he ethically can not cheat during marriage and I've told him I'll leave if he does. Do I call him now or monitor the spy software on his phone for the next few days? On the one hand I can stop it in it's tracks. He doesn't know about the software. It records convos, texts, emails, pics and browser history

[This message edited by mandolin555 at 6:21 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

Also, please advise me on how not to consume my entire day "checking". It's making me feel physically I'll. I'm a SAHM and I have a newborn. Is there a limit or timeframe you would check?

I would sit back a watch. I wouldn't check too much your baby needs a focused mother. If its going to happen it will happen theres no stopping anything really.

Also, where do I get this spyware?

Do I call him now or monitor the spy software on his phone for the next few days? On the one hand I can stop it in it's tracks.

I would keep a close eye on this. On one hand it could be nothing, but it's good to keep watch since you know his history.

If you confront to soon with not enough evidence he could take it underground. Then it will be much more difficult to prove.

He has sworn he ethically can not cheat during marriage

Also, what the hell does ^^^this mean? He thinks it's ok to cheat when dating? It's still supposed to be a committed relationship. Ugh.

Sorry.

The spyware is called mspy and is pretty easy to download to the target phone and only takes a few minutes if you can gain access for that long. It's undetectable once installed.

He explained that he cheated during dating because he needed to explore his options. He's the most giant douche canoe alive. I only found this theory on dating years after the fact. He didn't tell me we could both explore other options. His dad cheats on his mom too. It's so gross. I'm just looking for a solid and current reason to be done

It seems you already know his boundaries are loose.

Do the two of you have parameters defining what is cheating and what isn't? couldn't he just tell you that it's just a Facebook friend? Isn't it likely he will just accuse you of not trusting him? Now that he's a married man he is going to walk the straight and narrow road dontcha know.

I'd wait to see how far he goes. You can also start mentally preparing yourself for discovery. Get your mind and heart healthy so you don't crumble if you find he's cheating. maybe get your ducks in a row financially so you feel more in control.

Maybe set a daily time for yourself to check. And love that baby. Hugs

So mspy, you would have to get their phone to download it to their phone?

Oh my goodness. I might puke. I just found out that the spyware records surroundings and is undetectable. I know this will prove he is hooking up with someone. Can I hear something like that without actually dying? I'm so triggered but digging seems to be the recommended solution :(

mspy.com

Please focus on your your newborn right now. Do not let Mr. Douche Canoe ruin your baby's first days on the planet.

If you must listen in, then please record it with a voice activated recorder. Or see if his icky madness can be saved. If so, save a copy in a safe location.

File for divorce and play it for him while he is being served with the papers.

I would record that 'serving' session too!

Take care my dear Mandolin. And please hug that little baby close.

If you can lay low for a bit, do so - gather information.

Make a set time each day to check, if the information recorded is saved. Maybe once during your baby's nap and once at night while your baby is asleep. Like you said, sometimes checking all the time can make you feel anxious and sick (but don't be hard on yourself if you need to - do what YOU need to do).

Try as hard as you can to focus on the baby - play with baby, enjoy the tiny adorable hands, spend lots of time looking into your newborn's eyes and find peace there. Savor those precious moments.

I'm sorry you're finding yourself here. It sounds he totally rugswept his past cheating. And yes, it definitely was cheating if he was "exploring his options" but had you thinking your relationship was supposed to be monogamous. Cake-eating douche canoe.

Im confused, you just recently married this man, who serially cheated on you while you were dating?

Why did you marry him?

He explained that he cheated during dating because he needed to explore his options. He's the most giant douche canoe alive. I only found this theory on dating years after the fact. He didn't tell me we could both explore other options. His dad cheats on his mom too. It's so gross. I'm just looking for a solid and current reason to be done

You don't need a solid reason to be done, if you want to be done.

Do you have evidence/suspicion of new/recent cheating? You said "he added his girlfriend of Facebook" - do you mean a girl that you think he's going to attempt to cheat with, or that you already suspect he is already cheating with?

I agree spending all day checking spyware while home with a baby is not healthy. Join 2 or 3 mom groups.

If you are young, then every person on this board will probably tell you to leave him now while you don't have decades invested. If someone is cheating in a new marriage, with a new baby at home, you can be rest assured they will never stop.

He cheated during our dating relationship but with exception of one time I had no idea. I found out after marriage. I've yet to catch him actually cheating during marriage. I did find a message in his sent box to a personal on craigslist but he promised it was a mistake and nothing happened. I was 8 months pregnant so I stuck it out. I am terrible at this. I'm afraid he will cheat with this ex but she is just one of many options and I'm absolutely afraid that I won't leave if he does. I scream. He'll get mad. Then he'll cool off and semi apologize and I will rug sweep for him and then I'll stay. Please advise on how to actually leave. How do you 180 in hopes of saving a relationship or is it even salvageable? I have read the 180 so I am aware of the motions. I'm afraid to execute them. Where will I go? We are military and in the middle of a move that will take us cross country. I also have 2 children. Do these types of cheaters always cheat?

I read a little bit more of your prior posts.

It sounds like you are really suffering from depression, low self-esteem, and being severely emotionally abused by your husband.

You really need counseling to help you find strength to leave him. Do you have any family or friends that can help you or support you emotionally/ financially/ etc?

Examine what it is that makes you think you deserve the treatment he is giving you. Even IF he isn't cheating (which he definitely is), he is AWFUL to you. JUST HORRIBLE. That is not how a loving relationship should be. Not at all. There is SO much better out there.

Youre best bet is to basically just escape from him, get a lawyer, move in with family, whatever it takes. This man is horrid. Do it now while your child is a baby, so she will never know any different, and wont have to go through a divorce as a kid. This way she'll never be exposed to you being abused. I left when my baby was 13 months, best decision I ever made.

But to find the strength inside you, I think counseling would be a good start. Reach out to family/friends - don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Read books on self-esteem, boundaries, healthy relationship.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

"I've yet to catch him actually cheating during marriage. I did find a message in his sent box to a personal on craigslist but he promised it was a mistake and nothing happened."

OK - 2X4: You did catch him cheating in marriage. He answered a personal ad on craigslist. This is a betrayal. You may have chosen to rug sweep it at the time but don't continue to lie to yourself.

From your earlier post - it seems that you are looking for a reason to make it "ok" to leave him.

Let's see:

He cheated on you multiple times when you were dating. Lied to you about it (I'm sure you asked him if it had ever happened before when you found out about the one time), conned you into getting married under false pretenses, and then betrayed you by answering a personal ad (and most likely, by more that you don't know about yet), and it showing you he doesn't respect you or have boundaries by friending an ex and liking his ex's picture.

You don't need to confront - that is enough to leave your marriage. You have permission to say enough - you can't, won't and don't deserve to do this anymore.

Thank you for all your words. I guess my problem is that I spent so much time trying to make excuses for the "little" crimes he committed that I'm having a hard time feeling like I can leave (or even want to leave) for anything less than a HUGE and undeniable slap in my face.

I found a feature on the spyware that allows me to record his surroundings for intervals of 30 minutes per hour. I set it up to record just the night time hours and I've already caught the following exchanges.

1. "My wife has gained so much weight. I wish I could show you guys a picture of how hot she use to be " (um...I just had a baby and I'm still very slender)

2. I heard him flirting with a stripper and they giggled about both being married.

3. He had a random conversation with a man at the bar who told my husband his story of being unfaithful and losing the love of his life...his wife. My husband said...well your real mistake was getting caught.

4. Much talk of sexually vulgar things with his buddies.

I feel like it's just not enough to leave him. Oh my goodness...how did I get here? I have no respect for myself and clearly he doesn't respect me either. Is this man flawed on a character deep level or do all men act like this when their partners aren't around? All the guys with him were speaking multiple times on sexual affair type things and they're all married too.

OH mandolin, I wish I had seen all this early on in my marriage. Yes, you have reason to get out! My WH is military too, and sad to say, I think this type of behavior is very common. BUT, they make the choice to disrespect their wives to the guys, no one is forcing them too. The same as affairs, just because they all do, doesn't mean he has to.

And flirting with a stripper? Not acceptable. Trust me, I thought stuff like this was okay back in the day. It's a slippery slope for a confessed serial cheater.

Call military onesource. Tell them you need counseling. They will find someone for your needs and set up and appointment for you. They are awesome. Even follow up to make sure you don't need anything else. Use all the resources available to you. I would wait to confront until you have a bit more evidence. But still go to IC for yourself. You will need strength. Hugs...

Thank you :( I'm just finding it so difficult to follow the common outsider advice of "cut and run". Do people know how hard it is to leave? I've been made to feel that my worth is less than anyone and thinking about the end of us makes me feel panic because I feel so worthless that I know he'll be the one who moves on with someone perfect and lives happily ever after. I imagine myself growing old and less attractive and lonely with failing health (I'm healthy now so I have no idea where this comes from) and that he'll have some 20 years younger than me. I'm not even middle age yet and I already too old. Gross. I want to love and embrace my years like women should...not fear that with them will come a decline in my looks and my ever ready replacement.

Crying for you... You are me 15 yrs ago. crying for me too..

you are not old. My WH is 7 years younger than me, so I always felt old too. Trust me, when you really have to right to feel old, you will have wasted your youth on him.... for what!!!!

It is so so so so so very hard to leave. I do get that. But you can do it. It doesn't get easier when you wait.

I'm sorry I've triggered you :( my husband is 7 years younger too. Was your situation similar to mine? The first deployment he slept with another woman but claimed just friends. I married him anyway. Based on outside opinion I'm a solid 8. He treats me like a 2 and never misses an opportunity to blast my self esteem. Unless I'm being down on myself...only then will he give me compliments but they're all lies. I fear the upcoming deployment. I know I can't police him and it makes me sick to try