SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D-Day - yesterday. April 12, 2014.

We have a family this is as close to all being best friends as possible. Our daughters and sons are great friends. My wife and the other wife are very close and me and the husband have grown close over the 9 years we have know each other. As the dynamics with the kids work so well, we spend lots of time together and travel frequently (both as families and as couples). Our lives are completely intertwined.

Today is the final morning of our Spring Break. Watching the tropical sun rise while I make coffee and enter my first post on this site......

Yesterday morning it was learned that my wife and former close friend had been having an affair for 3 1/2 years. I found out the other wife had had suspicions for a long time but her husband is an excellent liar and had her convinced she was crazy. I - on the other hand - had no suspicions.

Yesterday was a complete fog. I think I was in true shock for 10-12 hours. We each talked to our spouses and the other BS and I talked many times. We both now despise the other WS's - our former close friends.

My world as I knew is two days ago has ended. I am scared to death of the life that has now been forced on me. When we board the plane later today it will be the last time we see the other family in the capacity that I have grown to love and cherish and I will be forced to figure out what is next.

How do I protect my kids? Who - if anyone - do I tell? My family? Closest friends? As we were all so close it will quickly become apparent to others that something is royally fucked up and rumors will start. Should I have to bear the burden of lying to protect the WS?

I truly love her and have loved our journey until now. Been married 21 years and together for 26.

The future sucks.

Im so sorry this has happened. Please know this has nothing to do with you. Your WW is 100% responsible for her decision to have an affair.

You can tell anyone you want. Anyone who you feel will be supportive of whatever decisions you make about your marriage and your future. But do be careful. Once you tell them..you can't un-tell them. But do not hesitate to reach out to family or friends who will help you. You need and deserve to be supported through this.

Do you want to R? Does your WW? What is she saying/doing?

In order to R she would need to be 100% transparent..you get full access to all of her accounts and phone..passwords included. She has to be willing to answer your questions as often as you need to ask them..even if it is the same questions over and over(this is how we process the trauma of betrayal). She would have to go full no contact with OM forever. She should go to Ic to figure out how she allowed herself to do this. She needs to be tested for STD's(as do you).

To have an affair with your friend..and her best friend's husband..especially a long term affair...takes a lot of manipulation and deception.

Right now, please try to eat and drink and rest. Take care of YOU.

The healing that needs to be done after being betrayed like this is a 2-5 year process. Your WW has put you both on an emotional roller coaster. reconciling after a LTA is very, very difficult. It will be a lot of hard work. Is your WW prepared for this? Is she remorseful? Not regretful..that is different..remorse is all about you and helping you heal. It's about her doing whatever you need done..for as long as you need it done..until..well..until you don't. It's not about ass kissing or punishing her..it's about setting boundaries in your marriage and her doing the hard work on herself to become a safe partner for you.

Again, Im so sorry..and welcome to SI.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:31 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]

Do not lie to anyone.

You may want to keep quiet, you may not. The best way to control rumors is to make sure the truth is out there. In any case, what other people think is last on your list. What happens to you and your children are the top of your list.

You do need to find someone to talk to. Consider a therapist for yourself.

"We both now despise the other WSs"? Seriously? One of them is as betrayed as you are.

You can only protect your kids (you did not mention their ages) from what your WS did by dealing with reality. The reality is that your wife had an affair with a close friend.

Yes, you love her and the journey you thought you were on. The last 3+ years of that journey was a lie, carefully constructed and hidden. A bomb ready to explode, a family at risk and two people acting as if that didn't matter.

Think about that and deal with it as best you can.

Merlin...I think he meant they..meaning the BW and himself..now hate the other WS...meaning he hates OM..and the BW now hates his WW, the OW.

Sounds normal to me.

Thank you all.

Confused - you are correct by what I meant to stay. Two best friend relationships have been destroyed as well as potentially two marriages.

Spoke my first and last words to my former friend a bit ago. Very simple "Two days ago I would have done anything for your and your family. You were one of my closest friends. When you board your flight today - I never want to see or hear from you again".

Have told my WW that I don't know what I'm feeling but that I have always loved her and still do - but I need time (lots of it) to figure out if I can like her again.

She does want R. There was no statement of love for the other. The reality that she has caused to me and our family is slapping her hard - as it should. Their choices have royally F'd up many lives.

I plan to contact a counselor tomorrow and get in ASAP. Thinking I will meet first alone and then bring in my WW later. Thoughts?

I believe this will last for a LONG time - but I struggle with the swings from crying to anger to despair to logic that is occurring in rapid succession. Hoping counseling - and this page - will give me needed support and a road map.

It is a special kind of crazy when it is with a friend. I literally felt my brain "skip a gear" when I found out. You do not have to decide now what to do with regards to your marriage, focus on you now. I personally called a treatment center and got into their 2 week outpatient counseling group. 9-3 m-f and it really helped me to begin to process the trauma.

1) Do not ever talk to your friend again. period.

He is like a robber who broke into your home and stole something. It is also possible he is like Scott Peterson - a sociopath who gets whatever woman he wants just because he wants to.

Your vows were with your wife, not him, and from now on anything you say to him, will be used for him to focus on you and not what he has done because he will be wanting to get into a confrontation with you to ease his guilt (if he has any -- if not he could be a sociopath. He will also find a way to blame you, etc etc.) I have NEVER spoken to my former friend and I never will. And for the record she is with my XWH but is cheating on him.

It has been hard not to beat the hell out of her, but it was the only way I could have a clear wall of safety and healing around me.

This is going to be a 2 year process. I have PTSD from this. Tell your wife she goes to counseling NOW or she can pack her bags. You want to make a HUGE impression on her.

Do not carry this burden alone. Tell any friends who support you.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:31 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]

Welcome to SI, the best club you never wanted to belong to. You have suffered what we call here a double betrayal. So sorry for all the pain you are in. Yes, all the conflicting emotions are quite normal.

I think I was in true shock for 10-12 hours.

Yes, I was, too. Actually, I was in shock and denial for a good 6-8 months when the reality that this is going to be part of the rest of my life always really hit me hard. This isn't like any other crisis or tragedy that I have had in my life and dealt with.

I am scared to death of the life that has now been forced on me.

I can understand this. That is one of the many facets that are so hard to wrap our heads around. We are forced to pay the consequences of their fucked up choices that we had no say in.

How do I protect my kids? Who - if anyone - do I tell? My family? Closest friends?

I chose to tell no one as we were/are reconciling. I didn't want my children to know as I know it would damage the respect they have for their father. No one in my family can keep a secret. My bestest friend (who is the only person I would have told) died two months before d-day. Let me tell you, though, this is not an easy road. I wish I had someone (besides my therapist) to talk to IRL.

Should I have to bear the burden of lying to protect the WS?

I don't feel you should do this. I wouldn't especially if we were getting divorced. EVERYONE would know why in that case.

I plan to contact a counselor tomorrow and get in ASAP. Thinking I will meet first alone and then bring in my WW later. Thoughts?

The standard recommendation is for the WS to get some IC before even attempting MC. For the WS to figure out why they thought having an affair was in anyway acceptable to do. IC for you could be very good for you, too.

How did you come to find out about this affair? Was it confessed or were they caught? Do your children know?

(((sleepless2014))) Again, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and will go through.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:42 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]

Actually, I was in shock and denial for a good 6-8 months when the reality that this is going to be part of the rest of my life always really hit me hard. This isn't like any other crisis or tragedy that I have had in my life and dealt with

.

As SM said, it takes some time to get your head around this kind of shit. You'll think you got it sorted out then something else hits you out of the blue, like a trip or event that seemed weird at the time, that now is obvious was affair related. In my WW LTA,( long term affair) there was the day I realized that I had to question the paternity of my kids. WTF is that all about?

The double betrayal will have its own days like that I would assume.

I'm also curious as to how it was discovered. If the kids are young teenagers they probably have got some idea that something was going on.

Your in for a bumpy ride that will test your character. Good luck my friend.

Daughter is 11. Son is 15. No signs yet that they suspect anything.

The other BS had suspicions but no evidence over the years. Her WH was an excellent liar about it. Two nights ago she had a sixth sense moment and wandered the the balcony above where they were and saw them kiss. Her WH walked up the stairs - saw her and said "I'm so sorry". They talked for the next several hours before the other BS came to our room and got my WW. Took her to their room and confronted her. She told my WW that she would not tell me - that it was her decision.

I was awoken several hours later by me WW who told me that she had to tell me something horrible. As it was so unbelievable to me (I saw no signs) I went into shock and had no feelings (no tears, no anger, no pressing questions) and just sat there dumbstruck for a long time.

((Sleepless))

Others have given you great advice. Counseling, both individual and joint, is a must!

It's a horrible rollercoaster ride that you didn't choose to board.

Good luck to you, post often and READ the recommended materials.

A bomb ready to explode, a family at risk and two people acting as if that didn't matter.

Exactly. That's how it is. To the affair partners, NOTHING matters. Not their family, not their spouses, not their jobs, testimony, only what makes them feel good.

Their consciences have confronted them about what they are doing hundreds upon hundreds of times. Each time, they have told their conscience to go away and leave them alone.

Should I have to bear the burden of lying to protect the WS?

No. In fact, you should staunchly REFUSE to bear ANY burden or consequence for her behavior. Let it all come crashing down upon her.

I need time (lots of it) to figure out if I can like her again.

She does want R. There was no statement of love for the other.

A lot of whether you can like her is going to depend on her. People CAN come back from affairs, repent of their sinful and selfish behavior, and work their marriages back into order, if that is what they WANT to do.

In my case, I did EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE DONE to restore the marriage. However, in about a year's time, I came to the realization that, if I had known about her THEN what I know now, there's no way in hell I would have said "I do" to her, and I then said "I don't".

She also did not express "love" for the OM. However, she blamed her affair on me in every possible way she could think of. Nothing, but nothing, was HER. If only my dong was bigger, if only I looked more like the guy on Miami Vice, if only I had lost 30 pounds, if only I had given her sex more, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.

It was the realization, not that I couldn't like her, but that she DIDN'T LIKE ME that was the decision point. In fact, it was the realization that she had a DEPRAVED INDIFFERENCE TO EVERYONE'S WELFARE, not just me and our children.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 1:03 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry that you needed to find SI, but glad you did. There is a tremendous amount of support here. I wished I had found it earlier in my journey.

The reality is your shock is still just beginning. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. You do not have to make any decisions now. You do not have to tell anyone now. I opted to be very careful who I told as I would have consequences to deal with if we stayed together, which we did. I would advice watching your children. While you say they do not appear to have any idea anything is going on....know that they will sense something is wrong in the next few days. When finding and talking to a counselor, you might discuss what and how to tell the children. It might be as simple as "Mom and Dad are having some problems, we are trying to figure things out. This has nothing to do with either of you. We love you both very much and nothing will change that."

You might also consider taking off a little more time for you to figure things out for your next steps. As hard as it will be, you probably need to go no contact (NC) with the entire other family. I know how much that will hurt everyone involved. It is terrible that the betrayal will hurt so many.

Keep posting. Take care of yourself. Eat, drink try to rest. Keep posting here.

Hi sleepless2014. Welcome to SI. You have been getting excellent advice here. The only other thing I want to mention is your kids. Ultimately it is your decision on whether or not to tell the kids. However, they are if the age where they could figure things out or hear something from your xfriends kids. Kids have a way of figuring things out. I did when I was 16.

Unfortunately one way or the other their environment has been forever changed. It's what we do with that environment afterwards is what matters. I'm certainly not telling you what to do because as a parent I wouldn't want someone telling me what to do. If it was me though, I would tell them in age appropriate terms what is going on for 2 reasons. To head off anything they may learn or hear and to let them know what is going on between you and WW as they are bound to see some of that interaction regardless of how much you think you are keeping it a secret. I would then also get both of them into IC too. Head it all off before something you don't want to have happen happens. Just a suggestion.

Also check out the I Can Relate forum. There are threads over there for Double Betrayal and LTAs where you might be able to get some additional support.

Hang in there sleepless2014. Sending you strength and courage to get through. Keep posting even if it's just to vent.

yop

sleepless. I recently experienced the same thing. I feel your pain brother. Just remember you did nothing wrong and you are not to blame for what has happened.

Make sure you take care of yourself. It isn't easy but you have to. I can tell you this the people here are willing to help you, just listen to what they have to say. You're in the most difficult of positions right now. You will be in pain and confused, I know I was and still am.

Your thoughts and feelings are gonna be all over the place, btdt. Take care of yourself and make sure you have some support. Even if your only comfortable talking with the great people here.

Sleepless: the advice so far is excellent.My wife too had affair of two years with my best friend, our lives too were much involved.One essential advice: drop the "friend" totally; it is the only way forward. Not as matter of fairness but of absolute practicality; you may want to reconcile with the woman you have wanted to spend your life with; that is a risk worth taking if it is; but you can never trust the friend again because he CANNOT do the essential work to prove his trust as your wife,over many months, can He thought you were worth a s----, it's over.

Double betrayal of this kind is terrible-so many so many deep daily lies from both parties,I know; I often wished I was dead-that they had killed me - for more merciful than what they did.You will have a real roller caster ride of swinging moods, despair,hope, anger, utter defeat. It gradually gets better, you can survive into a new life.Right now take it as easy as you can, in the weeks ahead look for her remorse and real apology, as much truth as you need (not as much as she cares for)--the only way forward WITH her, if so,

The future sucks.

I am not going to sugar coat this. Yes, there is a lot of suckyness to come. However, I do want you know that there is hope for a great and wonderful future. With or without your WW.

This site is called SurvivingInfidelity but that name doesn't do it justice. We come here and not only do we survive infidelity we can and do thrive after infidelity. I know it isn't something you can believe right now. I wouldn't have and I don't expect you, too, either. Just wanted to throw out a little hope for you.

Sleepless.....your kids already know.

Adults constantly under-estimate the observational powers of our kids.

When you talk to your therapist, ask the best way to explain all this to the kids.

Mine were 17 and 15 and had a front row seat to the implosion. And they were also best friends with FWS's last FB's kids. Needless to say the kids only saw each other at school from then on.

k9

Sorry posted on the wrong topic

[This message edited by Breezy150 at 5:13 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am glad that you found this site so early on (I wish I had). You will find great advice, whether you decide to Reconcile or Separate.

I too was in shock for the first 10-12 hours and I then lost it (crying uncontrollably in the middle of a very busy mall the next day)

Being betraying by a "friend", in the beginning - it almost hurts as much as being being betraying by your spouse.

I am thinking of you and the BW -she also handled it very well. Hugs to both of you.

Sleepless,

So sorry you find yourself here. It is like a nightmare - I understand. The same thing happened to me, with friends of similar closeness. There were also kids' friendships involved. It was a mess.

I am almost a year out, and my advice is to move slowly, take care of yourself, read (you and your wife should read "Not Just Friends.") There is a lot of wisdom here, but also people just venting or telling what they think they would do.

I will say in our case our kids most emphatically didn't know, and still don't. I have struggled with this, but our MC has assured me there is a difference in privacy and secrecy. So, for now our child does not know why we aren't friends with this family any more. We just explained that the adults had had a falling out. He doesn't like it, but it is ok that he is not privvy to everything. Of course, your kids sound older, so it might be harder.

We did go mostly NC with the family (100% between the waywards) - it was like a breakup at first. But then, you will start to see things that didn't add up before -- things you overlooked because they were friends, etc. Although we weren't close personal friends (more just couple friends) I feel like I understand them and their marriage much better now. You let a lot slide with friends, until something like this happens. I see things with the AP now that are just glaring - I am not sure how I could have been so blind. But, I was simply trusting what I thought was a good friend.

My advice is to tell as few people as you can at first. I told my sister, a very close friend, and we told our minister. I have since told two other people, but we live in a small town with lots of mutual friends. That part is hard -- and I do sometimes wish the AP had to face up to what she did more. (I don't worry about my H in this regard - he is fine with me telling whomever I need.)

Anyway -- a lot will change, but try to have faith. In many ways, my marriage is much stronger and better than it was 9 months ago. They say there is opportunity in crisis, and I have found that to be true. It is profoundly and massively painful, but reading in the reconciliation forum can help, and getting some good MC.

My heart goes out to you -- hang in there.