SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had visions of R when we entered it.

You know, WS falling at my feet...constantly claiming his undying love for me...flowers scattered beneath my feet and a happily ever after.

Well, that was a few days after dday...we all know that just ain't how it works.

Although our R was smooth it was harder than I imagined. Mostly the healing and personal growth.

It has been a rewarding experience though, rather than flowers and bullshit I got real, we both healed and have created a marriage that's pretty damn good.

So knowing now what R takes I wonder what others see.

What did you expect when you entered R?

How is it different than what you thought? Better? Worse?

You rock KarmaHappens!!!

Having not fully R....I will say it has been the hardest 21 months of my life....much harder than I expected. 'Course, I really thought my path would be me doing my same old coping skills harder and faster than before. HA! Laughable now.

That personal healing and growth you referred to? Totally didn't expect that! Certainly my wifes ability to so quickly and completely choose adultery was the most shocking thing to me, but I was pretty darn shocked at discovering parts of me that I never knew existed!

Actually.....this journey has had better results then I ever expected.

The changes in me have helped ALL of my relationships. Good ones moving towards great, poor ones moving to good, complete shit ones not smelling so bad.

Recently, my wife shared a personal revealing side of herself to me. Was not physically sexually related at all....and yet I found myself physically sexually attracted to her in a very strong way. It was strangely and strongly erotic to me. Totally did not expect this. The fact that it kinda didn't feel the same for my wife left us in a bit of an awkward situation........but even that was kinda cool. Thinking this is a step to mature intimacy....but don't want to be so grandious....was a total mental stimulation that resulted in physical stimulation...so very very new to me. (not proud of that...shows how immature I was with regards to intimacy pre-A)

I don't know....seems like I am maturing but, at times, feel as excited as a school boy. Wierd.

Long story short.....R has been nothing like I expected. Cost way more than I thought, time has become my friend, been exhausted unlike any other time in my life.

I am very pleased with the man I am becoming...while finding new compassion for the man I was.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:51 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

I had absolutely no idea how we would get to the other side of this. I still don't, although it's better. I just stayed to see how I would feel when things calmed down. I could not see into the future at all, especially after the second Dday.

However, last night we were talking about some things we need for the house - kind of derailed because he had to buy a new car. I asked about our long term goals. We talked about buying a lake home and he said he didn't know when. So, I - the librarian proposed an actual financial idea to him - the banker. And it started with the words, "in 7 years...." So i guess I'm not really answering the question but for ME to put some thought into this relationship with a long term goal - that is new for me.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:50 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

I had no idea what was on the other side. But in many ways, our M is better than it has ever been. We had a very unhealthy relationship from the start. We lived basically as roommates and we didn't even wear our wedding rings. We're both growing and realizing what marriage truly means.

The difference between then (even before DDay) and now is actually shocking.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 10:16 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

I will agree that this has been the hardest time of my life by far including losing my father at age 20.

I knew from the start of R that my H would do anything to help me for as long as it took. He told me that repeatedly and has backed up the words. At times, it wasn't enough. I had extreme anxiety every single day for a very long time. In the meantime our one on one relationship grew, got stronger, moved forward. I read the 2-5 year thing and thought there would be no way it would take me that long to feel better. After all, my H was being great and we had such a good marriage before all of this. Boy was I wrong...at 32 months...I can honestly say I still think A thoughts daily. I don't get bogged down in them but they still surface and I'm not really sure how to get rid of that. I have returned to IC to try to get a handle on that.

I have the kind of husband that people envy. He is so good to me in every way...gives me tons of time..loves the way I look and all I do. We are so close right now that it can literally take our breath away sometimes. It's better than the pain that took my breath away for a couple of years. Of course, he was this same great guy when some bimbo decided he looked like something she wanted and he responded.

I guess I really had no idea what R would look like. I only know we both wanted it and we have both worked hard for it. I pray often that it is enough.

Dear Karma

Thanks for the thought provoking post.

I don't even know what I thought R would be. In the beginning I was simply trying to get out of bed and manage a shower.

As we headed into counseling both IC and MC, I guess I wanted the heartfelt affirmations to some how erase the horror of the infidelity and the affair.

Although my FWH was oh so remorseful it didn't erase anything. In many ways it only made it more vivid and real.

I thought reconciliation would fast track my healing. I had made the commitment, the decision to try and make it work. Little did I know that the process of healing was as difficult as DDay at times.

Facing the reality of our marriage. All of it, the good, the bad ... what he brought, what I brought...it was a lot to absorb at the same time as trying to understand how my FWH could have done what he did.

There were times it was two steps forward and one step back. But at least we were still moving forward. A lot of soul searching that made us both take ownership of ourselves and our marriage.

BIGGEST LESSON:

It is a journey it is not a destination. My FWH and I realize that we constantly have to work together to build and share a strong marriage.

Love is a choice and we must choose everyday to show up and choose to love.

Good luck. You can make it. One day at a time.

At the very beginning, I was in triage mode, and I thought R would be to just stop the bleeding, figure out what was "wrong" with my H, and help us heal the relationship to get back where we were pre-A.

Once we both started reading, opening up, changing and working hard, so much more intimacy developed. My H is 10 times the husband he was before, and I loved him boundlessly even then. I am working hard to be the best partner I can be, as well. R is not about me never being wrong, or rose petals strewn on the floor, but solid, good, sometimes hard, often fun, and yes - sexy, love.

Now I am faced with feeling this profound love and still dealing with some incredible hurt. But, I can't tell you the # of times people, unsolicited, come up and tell us how wonderful we are. Our yoga teacher said the other night we inspired her, some old friends, a therapist that works in our MCs office. We are giving off some major love vibes!

So, we are doing much better than just getting by - and I am so grateful for R in a crazy way. I'd have never, never believed it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:51 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

The difference between then (even before DDay) and now is actually shocking.[/quote

and in our case there is no discernible difference, just a feeling of loss. That's why this has been so hard for us at times.

I can imagine Rachelc. Before DDay, H was emotionally gone for a very long time. It was something that I was used to. Now he's present and wants to be. It's actually taken some time to get used to. I used to keep my guard up waiting for his old self to come back, but it hasn't happened yet. I wonder if it's different because he's a SA. We both know that he's in the 12 step program for life. If he leaves, that signals to the both of us that he has chosen his old life. Clear lines have been drawn for us.

I'm sorry it's been such a struggle.

Thanks to you guys on SI, I had no illusion that R was going to be easy. Having said that, it has been pretty good going, with a couple of setbacks along the way.

I'm just grateful that I read posts from many of you in this forum before I even considered R, I had a fair idea of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

I wouldn't have had a clue if it weren't for the collective wisdom here, and for that, I thank you all.

Not me...I thought it was going to be Hell and pain on a daily basis. How could it not be? I had to look at this person I didn't know. This person that created this pain. I just wanted to run from it all. Who wants to stay in a hurtful situation, constantly reminded of the pain, deceit, and betrayal?

I just didn't think it was going to take this long.

I thought that once fWH and I both fully committed to R that it would then be a step-by-step conscious progression to full and happy R. I thought that my love for him would grow, my anger would lessen, my understanding of our situation would develop, the pain would lessen, we would become progressively closer and my happiness would return.

R has been nothing like that. It's been a mixed up jumble of seemingly random feelings, thoughts, emotions and events. There doesn't seem to be much about our R that is sequential, step-by-step, or logical

My love for my fWH waned as we have dealt with our M issues and I have realised just how broken and messed up he was. My anger has known no bounds. Happy moments have been few and far between. I probably understand the A less the longer I scratch through all the facts related to it... it makes no sense to me.

It has been SO much harder than I would have predicted even in my worst nightmare.

BUT I still have hope. There are times I feel truly completely and utterly hopeless, but miraculously, I still have hope at the end of the day.

I have hope because fWH still really, really wants to be here, he wants me and he wants our marriage. No matter what I have thrown at him (I am ashamed to say that on the odd occasion.. literally...), he still wants to be here. He is by no means perfect, he continues to struggle with conflict avoidance, defensiveness remains a problem and he battles to not get angry when I am angry, but he is committed to trying to work through this stuff. Genuinely committed. That gives me hope.

I have hope because I am really working on my FOO issues. I am working to control my anger (no easy feat!) I am working at figuring out why I have so much anger over all of this, where that anger is coming from, what is hiding under that anger... it's so painful, but I am working on it. And at last, after all these months, I am beginning to feel like I am getting a handle on it.

I understand myself and my fWH so much better than I ever did pre-DDay. I feel like I really KNOW us for the first time ever. Don't always like what I see, but it is authentic. Gone are the rose-coloured spectacles, the denial, the sugar-coating.

I have hope because our family is so precious. Our marriage may be bashed and battered and severely bruised, but it has value. And underneath all the fighting and tears and trauma, there are some VERY positive aspects to our marriage - it has weathered the worst storms ever - it shows, but it has proven itself to be strong.

And the deep physical connection that remained after the hysterical bonding still rocks my world

I would say that right now, our marriage has value as well. But the deep emotional connection of knowing someone has your back - gone. We were walking around in a store last night and I thought to myself, I feel like I'm here on this planet without a safety net. It's an odd feeling. Very disconcerting. But it would be there if we were together or not.

I realize I have to provide the rug I stand on myself. But I've never had to do that. It's a challenge for me.

Last night he spent an hour on the phone with his father and also texting his brother. He is reaching out to them like he never has before and that is good. But the reason he didn't before is that he had me and the kids. And now I'm not a sure thing but family always is. I completely understand why he wants to beef up those relationships. I do too. But you can understand that we used to be each other's everything. We now are not. It's just very different. Probably healthier. But different.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:28 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

Thank you for this karma. I honestly thought it would be hell. I would say:

I can't do this. I don't want to this. Fuck this! There is no WAY I can do this!"

I wanted to run. My H wood me many a day but I knew it would not last. It was nice to have those special dinner made complete with an appie and glass of wine handed to me. Sure he still does this once/while but it was moreso in the early days of our recovery. I am glad for those moments where he indulged me. I needed them. Every single one of them.

But when I read ItsaClimb's post I can see so much of me...

I thought that my love for him would grow, my anger would lessen, my understanding of our situation would develop, the pain would lessen, we would become progressively closer and my happiness would return.

R has been nothing like that. It's been a mixed up jumble of seemingly random feelings, thoughts, emotions and events. There doesn't seem to be much about our R that is sequential, step-by-step, or logical

^^^ This is why my tag is, R is not linear. I said it once in IC or she said it to me and it stuck.

I have hope because fWH still really, really wants to be here, he wants me and he wants our marriage. No matter what I have thrown at him (I am ashamed to say that on the odd occasion.. literally...), he still wants to be here. He is by no means perfect, he continues to struggle with conflict avoidance, defensiveness remains a problem and he battles to not get angry when I am angry, but he is committed to trying to work through this stuff. Genuinely committed. That gives me hope

I have hope but right now I am tired. He lied to me two weeks ago and it has stunned me. It was the first thing on my "Needs" and "Values" list - I Need you to be honest. And, I Value honesty above anything else.

So...back to the grind. More talking, more listening, more uncovering truths about ourselves. Like ItsaClimb, I don't always like what I see - from him, from me but I will keep going. We have come so far but we still have a ways to go.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:33 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

When I feel something, I can always come here and find a thread that addresses exactly what I'm feeling. Thank you people!!!!

R hasn't been a bed of roses at all, but there has been some rewards. It's been almost 2yrs since DDAY, but REAL remorse started 4 months ago. After going through the "I don't love you anymore" faze, then the detox of the OM faze and later the guilt faze which included "I can't look at you or be with you and live with myself knowing what I did". Finally there's the "I feel like we are starting over and new and I'm excited" faze. But my heart has been trampled and although there has been moments of happiness and contentment in the last 4 months, I rather go back to hurt because then I protect my heart. Then I know that if anything happens, I'm safe. Am I okay?

When I feel happy, I go back and purposely break out old songs or old stuff that will bring back the feelings and trigger myself so I feel protected and not vulnerable. I hurt for way too long and for some reason now that she's coming back to me, I feel like it's a sham or something.

She is being sweeter than ever. Transparent in her thoughts and actions, more loving than ever. I don't buy it...or want to. I feel like she'll change her mind later or something.

Maybe I'm just too traumatized.

rachelc

I would say that right now, our marriage has value as well. But the deep emotional connection of knowing someone has your back - gone. We were walking around in a store last night and I thought to myself, I feel like I'm here on this planet without a safety net. It's an odd feeling. Very disconcerting. But it would be there if we were together or not.

I realize I have to provide the rug I stand on myself. But I've never had to do that. It's a challenge for me.

This is where I'm stuck.

I would say that right now, our marriage has value as well. But the deep emotional connection of knowing someone has your back - gone. We were walking around in a store last night and I thought to myself, I feel like I'm here on this planet without a safety net. It's an odd feeling. Very disconcerting. But it would be there if we were together or not.

I realize I have to provide the rug I stand on myself. But I've never had to do that. It's a challenge for me.

It's funny you mention this.

Just a few weeks ago I was having a shit day, nothing A related, just an all over day that sucked. My mind wanted to go to my H, to that safe place where it's ok to crash.

My inner voice said I didn't need to anyone to hold me up and I wondered where the hell that came from.

I am stronger and self-reliant, but there are times we want our partner there for support and caring, to share the life with. Knowing how to balance that need with self can be a fine line IMO.

I know I can do this life on my own, but having a safe place to land when I need it is also important, kwim?

It's a climb, your post was wonderfully thoughtful. I think this is the only reason many of us can even think about R.

BUT I still have hope. There are times I feel truly completely and utterly hopeless, but miraculously, I still have hope at the end of the day.

Blake, I think this is a bonus

The changes in me have helped ALL of my relationships. Good ones moving towards great, poor ones moving to good, complete shit ones not smelling so bad.

I agree, I never realized creating a healthy marriage would make a better me which would ultimately affect how I interact with the world. It's amazing how the healing spreads to everything we touch.

sadone

The difference between then (even before DDay) and now is actually shocking.

indeed!

struggling

Boy was I wrong...at 32 months...I can honestly say I still think A thoughts daily. I don't get bogged down in them but they still surface and I'm not really sure how to get rid of that. I have returned to IC to try to get a handle on that.

I found SI at almost 5 years out. I still struggled with my anger/hurt wrt the OW. I thought I was crazy I hadn't been able to let her go.

Finding the 2-5 year time line made me feel so much better, to know I wasn't crazy was a huge weight off my shoulders.

I couldn't agree with this more 1Faith

BIGGEST LESSON:

It is a journey it is not a destination. My FWH and I realize that we constantly have to work together to build and share a strong marriage.

Love is a choice and we must choose everyday to show up and choose to love

.

We now know we have to show up every day. Some days are better than others, but we need to be present and open to learning and growth...not just in our marriage, but in our individual lives as well.

(((hugsLA))) I know it has been a tough few weeks.

So...back to the grind. More talking, more listening, more uncovering truths about ourselves.

and it continues....

allornothing

I'm just grateful that I read posts from many of you in this forum before I even considered R, I had a fair idea of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

SI is and has been a huge help to me as well. The collective wisdom here rivals any IC or MC IMO.

Bionicgal, I love this

So, we are doing much better than just getting by - and I am so grateful for R in a crazy way. I'd have never, never believed it.

2married2quit

She is being sweeter than ever. Transparent in her thoughts and actions, more loving than ever. I don't buy it...or want to. I feel like she'll change her mind later or something.

I struggled with this...I knew in my heart that he was being true and honest...but I would let that little bit of doubt sneak in and take over. I had to eventually trust enough to let that piece go. I did and becoming more vulnerable has been rewarding. Dropping the last shield was a big piece in completely getting there. It's hard to do and takes a long time. The need to protect ourselves is huge. So examine what you have, her actions and words and you will get there.

I think the hardest thing for me was to lean towards my husband. When my foo issues were at play and my guard was up I just wanted to back away.

Allowing myself to go against what felt "normal" for me opened up a new world of healing. I still have to make the choice to lean towards rather than away but it gets easier to do.

hopefulmother

I thought it was going to be Hell and pain on a daily basis. How could it not be?

It can seem this way, but the growth and learning from this experience really pulled us together. The opening up we had to do, the self examination does something to you.

Eventually the pain and hurt subside and you find real joy just waiting to be shared.

You can get there, it does take a long time.

Thank you everyone. You guys have turned a few simple questions into some real meat and bones stuff. I am able to relate to and pull pieces of our R from everyone's responses.

Thank you for opening up and sharing.

(((hugs)))

WS falling at my feet...constantly claiming his undying love for me...flowers scattered beneath my feet and a happily ever after.

I had a couple of fantasies that were something like that, but mostly I just imagined a more emotionally intimate marriage once the dust settled and that we would be closer than ever. I was sure our marriage would not just survive but be better than ever.

I was wrong. We did survive and in some ways it is better (he seems to respect and appreciate me more), but in some ways it is worse (I respect and appreciate him less), but we are not closer by any means. We were for a while in early R, but it was short lived.

What did you expect when you entered R?

My brain screams: Everything, I expected everything.

I expected my WH to do as he promised...anything and everything to fix what he had destroyed. He committed to:

-Become a better person~ honest, selfless, humble, generous, loving, caring.

-Stop drinking (sober 3 1/2 years)

-Get a new job (took 6 months but he found a new one)

-Move out of state (1600 miles away)

-Focus on his family over his career (took a less demanding job 3 levels down)

-Stop being so cheap (I put all of our savings in my name POD my DSs...he never complained)

-Have a true appreciation for being given a second chance.

WH told me very early on that he wakes up everyday and thinks. "What can I do today to make RHR life easier" and then sets out to do it.

How is it different than what you thought?

It really wasn't. I had expectation and I made these know. WH knew that I would stand for nothing less.

Never did I live in fear of life without him. My DSs had graduated college and were living on their own. I am financially secure and, although we had been together for 25 years, my WH never defined me. I am independent and could make a life without him if needed.

3 1/2 years post Dday maybe the one difference is: I thought that I would regret my decision to give WH a 2nd chance. Fortunately, I have no regrets and must credit my WH daily actions to fix what he destroyed.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 9:18 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

This post scares me. I want things to be better, to be able to heal, to be able to trust him again. I want to feel like I have someone there with me walking alongside me with my back. I want him to be my safe place to fall. And now I have lost that.

I don't want to do this by myself, walking alone through life. Every single thing that was important to me has been shattered. I don't know how to face this new life :(