Feeling wrecked this morning and really need to get it out. Apologize in advance for a tad bit of tmi around the image but thanks so much if you read:
I was drifting off to sleep... Mostly asleep I guess and my hazy thoughts were pleasant sexual images of my husband getting ready to put himself inside of me. I felt relaxed, happy, peaceful, receptive, aroused etc. In the dream, it was like watching our own homemade movie with close up on the action. Then, right as penetration was occurring I realized with shock and horror that it wasn't me.. It was the ONS from Abu Dhabi while I was pregnant with our son. I SCREAMED in the dream and woke myself up in absolute terror. It had that quality of when you snap awake because you feel like you are falling off a cliff.
Upon awakening, I was totally distraught. I tried to go out to the living room to calm down and to my surprise I was filled with overwhelming hatred towards my husband who I have been working hard to reconcile with... I wanted to scream at him, hit him, find some way to make him understand the gravity of his actions against me. I breathed, got as calm as I could then went to him, and spoke my feelings and urges as gently as I could trying to turn to him as support, be authentic and hopefully work through it together. I told him I was struggling with the raw pain of the image and the truth that he had put himself inside a total stranger and contracted mono which he gave to me while pregnant. I told him I was struggling with how he could so easily betray me. In a flat voice he said " I have no idea" and he left the room and slept on the couch.
I didn't follow. I worked on calming myself and truly being alone in the bed helped. This morning he came to me told me he loved me and hugged me. He is clearly upset and he wrote me an email describing how much it hurts to see me in pain and that he wishes he could take the burden of it on himself. He has real difficulties with intimacy and face to face support. We are pretty much avoiding each other now.
I can't get the image out of my head. I can't get away from the truth. I want to reach acceptance of the truth but at 20 months out, it still feels so surreal and nightmarish. I can't wrap my head around this actually being real. My husband pursued total strangers on AFF, CL and IM... He took anything that he could get. He was doing this for 20 years before I met him. It has nothing to do with me but it has destroyed everything I dreamed for our marriage. I don't know how to accept reality with out completely succumbing to pain and anxiety. I have found ways to control it and actually prosper and grow when I am awake... But then it plagues me while I sleep.
This isn't the first time I had this particular image, it happened several months ago and I woke up sobbing. The response is so deep and visceral. It sticks for days. Right now, I just want to hide from the world or drink enough to cut off the thoughts in my head just for a while.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read. I truly and deeply appreciate it.
[This message edited by bytheboard at 12:54 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]
BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12, 2/24/12... quit counting most recent 4/19/17 all pre DDay but no end to TT
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/pas