SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling lately, but I just get this sense of 'this can't have happened' still. I don't think it's denial. I have smashed enough phone screens, cried enough tears and had enough mental movies for a lifetime. I know all the details, some too vividly, but there's just that part of me that sees that my life never changed and yet all this was going on. Our M was strong leading up to the As and even during them I never felt anything was 'off' much, but now I do...now I'm angry, reserved, emotional rollercoaster, fighting about the As constantly, etc....I feel much more unsettled in my M now than prior to DDay just because I'm dealing with my grieving and anger.

I feel like I know rationally that this all happened, but maybe because the mind movies have tapered off recently there's almost a sense of feeling like it didn't again. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it just me getting closer to acceptance and the emotions dulling down a little? It all felt so intense and the mind movies were so horrifically graphic, maybe I'm just finally reaching a stage where it doesn't pain me as badly? If I'm not having the mind movies as often, it isn't going to bring all those emotions to the surface as frequently or intensely...so perhaps there's a sense that the mind movies were "reminding" (aka scarring) me this happened and now that they're quieting down I feel like I'm 'losing' that sense of reality? It can't be healthy for me to focus on the mind movies just to remind myself this DID actually occur kwim? Or is this still possibly a form of denial? It's been almost 10 months. I am kind of hopeful this might mean that the emotions are finally settling down a little and it was just the mind movies that were keeping my feelings so intense. At the same time, I feel my emotions towards him are less loving recently. Kind of just a 'whatever' attitude. That makes it hard when we're trying to bond again...I felt more loving and willing to work on things when I first found out and we were in HB.

This is the roller coaster. I am less time out from you, but I feel for you. I've been told by wise, wise people here that the roller coaster goes like this and can for a long time. I am sorry!!

I am over 18 months out and I still refuse to believe it. I know in my head that it happened. I know it. But, I refuse to believe that my wonderful husband who had such incredible morals did what he did. He didn't have any morals at all. It was all just an act. How could I have not seen through this? How?????

The first year sucks because you are coming to terms with fall out and destruction of the affair. You are fighting fires.

And then the second year sucks because it is now part of your life. You realize it isn't going to go away in the ways that you hoped(I was going to love it all away). That R is a process and hard work.

One of my favorite posts I ever read on this site was a poster talking about how she got addicted to the apology letter. How she looked for them on special days, how she loved the emotional payoff from them. I do it no justice here. But that post made me realize for the first time that there were moments on this roller coaster that I relished as much as I hated others.

But the bottom line is that you move on, even when you are not ready to, you move on to the next stage.

The Heightened emotions and release of the early stages of R have plenty to offer in immediate payoff. Over time that erodes.

The second year is about adjustment, at least for me it was. this is going to be with you for awhile.

some people go through the "Plane of lethal flatness" where they go into protective mode and don't feel much of anything. I was too desperate for that.

But there are good things to look forward to. He pulled his head out of his butt the second year. We had our first real intimacy the second year. We made time for our marriage which we had not done for most of the previous decade. I started to get to know him again and vice versa. The sex got better for me because I wasn't trying to prove anything to him or myself anymore.

[This message edited by redrock at 11:23 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]

I had a bit of a light-bulb moment about this a couple of nights ago. I was saying to fWH that on some level... at nearly 2 years out... I STILL can't believe it. And then I explained it to him and I finally understood. You see, for me, it's like my brain knows and accepts that it happened - I can talk about it, I have read so many books about it, I post on SI about it, I talk to fWH about it, my brain really, really gets that it happened - BUT emotionally I have not caught up with my brain, emotionally I still sometimes retreat into denial, it's too painful. So I feel that until my emotions catch up with my intellect, I will not fully accept that it happened. And it seems like, until that happens, I will stay on the roller-coaster, although it is not as intense as it was before.