Hi everybody,
I've only today found this site and have been reading for hours. I so want to share my story but I'm so worried about being identified. My husband's affair has left me feeling extremely paranoid and suspicious of everyone and everything- hence my username
I can just imagine the OW stumbling across my post :(
Without revealing too many details, we have been together for 20 years, since we were 15 and have always been best friends and very close. People have always commented on how close we are- very touchy feely and affectionate, very connected; it's always been us against the world. We've had a tough time of it over the years, for various and numerous reasons, and pretty much all we have is each other and our children.
Last year was a particularly bad year for us, we had trouble with one of our children, and my husband did his back in and was literally laid up in terrible pain for a good 3 months. It was Hell for all of us, there was little I could do to help him and I was working and looking after the kids and doing everything else too during this time. His job involves a lot of travel and the driving is particularly hard on his back. When he started staying away more often instead of driving home again 'because of his back' I had no reason to complain as I hated seeing him suffer. When he started to be moody, angry and withdrawn from us, it was very hard to live with and pushed me to my limits, but I made allowances and assumed it was a combination of depression from the long term chronic pain, and side effects and later withdrawal from the very strong painkillers he was taking. I knew things weren't great but NEVER suspected another woman.
I don't know why, but one night in January I woke up needing to check his emails. And so it was uncovered. Of course he lied and denied all knowledge of her to start with as they all do, but over the course of the next few weeks everything came out in the wash and he ended it straight away.
He says it wasn't about her, it was an escape to a fantasy life, where there were no problems, money worries etc. It lasted most of last year and they met once a week usually. I found messages where he told her he loved her and wanted to be with her, and she was fully expecting him to leave me and the kids for her. He says he was just telling her what she wanted to hear to keep it going and never had any intention of leaving me. He said he has always loved me and though he felt incredibly guilty, he convinced himself that he 'needed that escape'. He called her up and confessed all of this to her too, that he never loved her and that he was stringing her along as an escape and didn't want to be with her, she went totally nuts at him. To my knowledge that was the last contact they had.
He is doing everything possible to help put things right, he is always willing to talk, has answered every one of my questions and appears extremely remorseful. I have full access to emails, phones, passwords etc..I'm not proud to admit that I put a mobile phone spy on his phone without his knowledge and so I know where he is and I know he hasn't been in touch- unless there is another phone but he assures me there is not :/
Still, even though I have no evidence, nothing he can say or do can convince me that he is not still keeping secrets.
The problem really is me, I'm not sure I can get past it :( I can't stop picturing them together and re-reading the messages and looking at the photos. I can't leave the house without something triggering me, can't stop thinking about the good times we shared last year- a holiday, some fab family days out etc. Things were bad in our lives but not so terrible between us most of the time. We were still close and affectionate and sleeping together (although obviously he told her we were not). I just don't understand it :(
Even now, we are still close and sleeping together etc, but I feel I am cheating myself by still loving him. He is trying so hard and constantly trying to reassure me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but I just don't know what to believe any more. How do I know he is not just telling me what I want to hear, like he did with her? I've told him I am taking a year to see how things go before I make a final decision. It has been so hard so far, I don't feel strong enough to move on from it- I am so broken. We have spent some nice times together recently, but then I feel sad and panicked that I have let my guard down slightly, and wonder if it was really a nice time or whether he is putting on an act. The slightest thing sets me off and I know my behaviour is hurting him. He says he understands and won't let me push him away but I don't want to hurt him or be the reason for his unhappiness. I had a panic attack yesterday as I was trying to think of somewhere we could take the kids for a day out, but everywhere reminded me of last year and the lovely days out we had when I 'thought' we were a happy family which I now know was a lie. I feel trapped.
And I'm SOOO angry with the OW, who not only knew he was married with children, but her own husband had left her for another woman a couple of years ago so how could she inflict that on somebody elses family, knowing the pain it causes?? I absolutely can't get over that fact. Fair enough she didn't know me but she knew what she was doing was wrong. She should have known better and I fantasise about telling her so all the time :(
I don't trust him, myself, anyone or anything any more and it's killing me. The world just does not make sense to me any more. I just don't know what to do, I can't cope with living like this and the constant mind movies etc. I feel torn to pieces and I'm so afraid and anxious all of the time and I feel like I'm going crazy :( I feel like the only thing that would fix me is a time machine or to have my memory erased. I hate the person I have become.
Will this ever pass?? Or should I just let him go and move on??
Sorry for the extremely long post and thanks for listening.