Hello everyone. I am new to this site and I appreciate you taking the time to read this. While I would give anything to not have to be on here, I am truly thankful that I found this forum. I've been reading along silently for a few weeks and the advice and support from other victims of infidelity has really helped me get through the last few weeks. I am heartbroken and feel sick all of the time. My emotions are going from anger, depression, feeling empty and back again. I don't know what to do. I have not posted my entire story yet but I will do so. I just could really use some advice right now so I will give a brief recap of what has happened. I also apologize for not using the proper lingo, I am just learning it now. I'm 33, he's 36, together for 6 years married year and a half.
Unfortunately my job requires an extensive amount of travel however sometime in early march, business got a bit slow which meant I was able to spend some time at home during the week. (Typically I am away at least 3 nights a week) a few days into my time at home I began noticing that husband was texting nonstop. He's always been the type to keep his phone with him but his level of secrecy drastically increased. When I got close to his phone I could sebse that he was visibly uncomfortable. At some point he added a password (but I can't remember exactly when) he switched to a vibrate notification and turned off all noises or notifications. A few times I asked him who he was texting and he would tell me 'business partners' however I knew this was a lie. We would attend parties that he wanted to attend, I would look over across party and see him texting. I attended a training for his business, I look over and notice he's texting during the entire session. Definitely not business related texting. My suspicions regarding my husbands behabior where confirmed on 4/12/14. He took an unannounced and 'unplanned' 4.5 hour trip while I was out of town at a conference for HIS business. He was supposed to talk to me that morning however he ignored my text and attempted phone call. He turned off his phone around 3 pm and I didn't hear from him until 740 am Sunday morning. It's a long story so please read my post if you'd like more details. he claimed that he changed his plans when he woke up, headed to his destination and turned off phone because he needed to be free from distractions from me, his mother, friends and business partners. He felt he was fully entitled to worry people, go MIA, stay in luxurious hotels, all without telling his wife. He claimed he went alone but I know that was a lie. The following day he was telling me a story about the trop and said, 'we were walking around..blah blah blah' I said, who's we? He changed that to 'I' Ultimately, I decided to pretend I let it go so that I could take time to gather evidence and speak to a lawyer. I earn significantly more money than him and I wanted to know what to expect regarding my financial liabilities. We live in a no fault state so it doesn't matter if he cheated.
I began gathering information and I (easily) found multiple items that proved he had lied to me, I discovered thousands of texts between him and not one but 2 women. Texts would begin 6 am and last all day often until 1 am following night. He would often initiate the texting the following day. He was up until 1 am texting one of them on a night where he had texted me at 9 saying he was going to sleep. They've exchanged hundreds of photo/video messages, most sent early in morning or late at night. The earliest date I have record of texting is 3/2/14 for both of the women. Verizon only holds texts for 90 days.. The skank he texted at 1am is a 21 year old loser who works at a grocery store. Even more gross, he's known her since she was 12. When she turned 18, he met with her regarding his business. I can't help but wonder whether this has been going on since that meeting. The other skank is a 30 year old married woman who has a 2 year old kid. She is a coworker of his so the fact that they text all day when they are 20 ft apart is mind boggling. She's also obese, riddled with acne and just downright ugly. There is a third woman who he talks to on the phone for 40-60 min conversations. Ironically, in early April I asked him if he had spoken to this particular woman recently. He said he hadent texted her in months... Please read my post for the entire story, there is much more.
I have not told my husband that I have proof of the lying and affair(s.) I did had one slip up. I had a mental breakdown one morning when I checked phone records and saw he texted the 21 year old when he claimed he was going out for dinner that night with his buddies. The fact that he was actively planning a rendezvous, after promising he wasn't cheating made me lose my shit. I called him at work, told him an anonymous girl informed me that he was having an affair with a 21 year old girl named 'xyz'. Immediately he went into a RAGE. Screaming at me like I was one who was cheating. I simply asked if it was true, I instantly regretted it because all I did was tip him off to be more careful. He denied it, claimed he had not texted her in a month and that the only reason he ever talked to her was to give her advice on her shitty ex boyfriend and her overall incompetence in life. Oddly, he kept going on and on about how he felt 'so betrayed, how he trusted someone and how they went behind his back and did this to him' said stuff like, 'you can't trust anyone.' never once did he show remorse or even feel badly for me. He gave me a sad apology saying he was sorry for bringing the girl into his life... I made him Unfriend him on Facebook, he agreed and he also deleted her from Instagram and he blocked her # on cell and iPad. I'm sure he's using a fake Facebook or some cheating app to get around this inconvenience. He has a portable landline on him when he's at work so I'm sure he's using that as well. He is still texting the married woman, though not as much. He may have switched to talking on landline or just talking in person since they work in the same 'department' he's recently been reveuving photo messages and texts from the woman he was talking to on the phone. He's responding as well.. After we discussed the 21 year old I told him I wanted access to his phone, icloud, iPad and computer. He flat out refused. I tried compromising by having him show me his text and call logs, he refused. I let it go because I already knew what I needed to know.
Over years and again during this discussion he claimed that he would never cheat because he was cheated on before. He claimed he would end his relationship before he ever got intimate with another woman. At one point I was dumb enough to believe it. A few years back, we webt through a rough psych (lack of intimacy on his part and issues stemming from that) so I suggested couples counseling. He flat out refused, said he would NEVER go to couples or individual therapy, even if we were married. He blames this on the bad experience he had as a child when he went to therapy due to his mother and her AA requirements. He also said I was the crazy one and therefore the only one who required counseling.
Here is where I need advice: Given his reaction to my lie about the informant, I can't imagine how he will react when I finally confront him. I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether I even want to be with him. It's crazy the how much my decision swings from one extreme to the next. I made decision to see a therapist by myself so I can learn to accept this situation. I have my first appointment next week. Once I'm ready I plan to confront him, give him one chance for possibility of reconciliation but only if he does things on my terms. Counseling, complete transparency with his phone and devices. This will only matter if he shows true remorse for what he did to me, not for getting caught. I worry he will go into rage and just leave me, he will call me psycho, stalker, I feel so pathetic. Why do I care, why am I worried? My questions are, how do I come to terms with the possibility of him leaving? How should I go about the confrontation? What do I say? Do I show him my evidence? How do you trust again? Is it common for men to refuse to give complete transparency? If so, do they eventually agree? If he refuses to talk immediately, do I give him time to 'cool off' like he always wants to do (ie storm out) do I give him a few days? I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my story. Thank you.
