SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

While there were still issues with FWW's personality and FOO issues, I really thought that we had turned a corner and doing better. Sure, no sex or touch beyond a passing hug since March and touch is my primary love language, but I just assumed it was stress from her DD's pending wedding. After her DD wedding and 2 more weeks of business travel for me I come back to trigger behaviors from her. No OM, but behaviors. I check her phone and she referred to me acting like an ass at the wedding to her other DD. She referred to me as a cheapskate as the reason she has an old car, no mention if her unemployment for 2 of the last 4 years and a DS in college. She told someone she wished she could buy a house she saw for sale because she has enjoyed the time I have been gone.

I confronted her on this and it was like talking to her after dday. I was the reason for her not being happy. I told her it was wrong to complain about a spouse outside the M, and not with the spouse. She countered it was normal to complain to people about your spouse. When I disagreed, she said we needed to D. It is all more complicated than this in the details, but she is looking for housing, we have an agreement for dividing expenses in the interim, and she has already "hinted" to her DDs and our DSs that we will be D-ing.

I know this is the right path, but I find myself in a bargaining phase. Not with her, but internally in my thoughts. I thought I wad ready for D, but I am so sad. She seems fine, even looking forward to it. I also find myself feeling resentment for not D-ing immediately after dday, my first response to discovery of her affairs.

There is no legal separation in FL, so from M and R to D. She says she will not want spousal support, I guess I should move things along before she changes her mind. I really thought she was working on her issues and wanted us to work.

-Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:09 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry, Atsenaotie. I know you've been on a rollercoaster and have worked so hard. I hope you can find peace.

(((((Atsenaotie)))))

(((((((Atsenaotie)))))))

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

I'm sorry, Atsenaotie. You're going to be okay. We've got your back.

I guess I should move things along before she changes her mind.

Yes. Definitely.

atsenaotie it sounds like you are making the right choice. I am the same age and had to move on after more than 22 years of marriage, and I am so happy that I did. Play nice, get the paperwork filed, and when it is over don't look back because she isn't going to change.

BSB

ats)))

ww2s

I'm so sorry. You always have such wise words for all of us. I wish you the best.

(((atsenaotie)))

((Ats))

I'm sorry. I agree very much that you need to get things moving before she wakes up- it sounds very much like she's in a fog.

Your situation may be nothing like mine, but I decided to D because of behaviors like this. Turned out that he had rekindled the affair, and I was not aware until the D was underway.

(((Atsenaotie)))

I'm sorry. Keep coming here and posting. Don't throw your WW ego kibbles by engaging.

I guess I should move things along before she changes her mind

.

YES. In hindsight I should have filed the minute my WH said he would support me and take care of me forever.

Learn from my mistake. Lawyer up and get it going.

Sucks to be here Ats, but by all accounts it gets better. Focus on making yourself ok for you and your kid(s).

I thought I was ready after nearly 5 years for D, but woke up and started crying today. I think this would be easier if I was angry or hated her, but I cannot help feeling sorry for her (and a bit surprised by this turn of events). I can see what is needed to make this M work, but it is mostly on FWW's shoulders and she has been unwilling to continue IC. I cannot change my behaviors and actions to improve the M when it is FWW's perception of my actions and feelings that is the problem. When she was doing IC and making progress she could see the toxic influence from some of her family members, but she has now turned back to them for advice and affirmation. Two of them will be very happy to see the D as it will validate their actions and unhealthy marriages.

From our discussion I believe we will pursue a limited uncontested D and then finish the steps for an absolute D. Both of our DSs are over 18, and it does not sound like we have disagreements on division of financial and physical assets. We cannot sell the house as it is still well upside down on the mortgage. The discussion has been that FWW will move out and be responsible for her own living expenses. I will pay the mortgage and associated costs, take on the existing debt, and help our DSs with their higher education costs. FWW says that she will not pursue spousal support. If she did I would have not money to help DSs with school. There has been no discussion of retirement savings, but FWW has little to none and is eligible to retire in a few years. I have a healthy retirement saving, so I anticipate giving her a significant portion of that. I am still 15+ years away from retirement.

I was surprised and disappointed that FWW unilaterally talked with our boys about our D. I will need to call the older son later today to talk and also talk with our younger son when we have some free time. In the past FWW seemed hesitant about D and said it was not what she wanted, but now she really seems like this is what she wants. There has been no discussion at all about trying anymore to work on us and the M.

--Ats

(((ats)))

I am sorry. Grieving is natural and I am as sorry as I can be that you are doing so.

I'm really sorry Ats.

I am so sorry, ats.

Sending strength.

Good for you, and eff her! Yep, get it rolling and believe nothing she says now, and prepare for the worst. My POS cheater lied openly so much during D, even with crazy easy stuff to verify it was still crazy to the surreal. Mine said all kinds of "I don't want anything", "take everything" just prior to me serving her D papers... Yeah right. To show how crazy she was, she actually got her lawyer to state IN WRITING for the court:

"After 23 years of failure to contribute financially in any way whatsoever to the marriage"...

Oh, you mean the stack of W2's I had from employment over the 23 years, including active duty military, and my SS earnings statement further documenting everything??? The are fucking crazy with scorched earth vengeance, and lying is their defacto setting.

Same person who thumbed her nose at the the separation agreement she signed for a court approved QDRO, being in contempt, and could have cared less. These vindictive, cowardly, POS cheaters will never change, and you wont believe how much better your life will be in time after you dump this toxic shit... Believe me.

I'm happy as hell for you, cause I have been through the worst hell, it's over, and I live my genuine, authentic, no more being in an adulterers presence, and so will you. Stay strong, fight hard, and don't take any shit from her, NOT.ONE.LITTLE BIT.

Yay for you in taking a hard first step, that in the end you will be so grateful you did!