SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since my divorce, I have lost my house in Illinois to foreclosure, had to file for bankruptcy and had to relocate by my fathers house in Indiana. My dreams of being a photographer and journalist to support myself blew up in smoke when the Iphone and blogs murdered those industries I have skills in. I have B.S. degree in Accounting I haven't used for a decade and no money to go back to school even if I DID want to go back into that field. Jobs have been scarce for me to qualify for because I have no network in this new state and little or no contacts in the accounting field because when I was married to the ex, he made good money and let me leave accounting to pursue my passion for photography and journalism.

To my sister all my bad luck and misfortune MUST spell L-O-S-E-R

SHE has a healthy 24 year marriage, three beautiful kids God blessed her with AND a 100K job. After my mother died the same month my marriage blew up in July 2008, Miss Hospital Corners became the "mother" hen of the family to where my own dad treats her like this! Me? I get treated like a doormat and a loser because of ALL the crap that has happened to me and the fact that 6 years out during a recession, my life STILL isn't on track yet.

All of this hasn't sat well with me and the fact that I live with my dad now until I do get on track, I have been taking care of him. Miss Hospital Corners (aka Bitch) has swept ME under her wings and treats me like an imbecile.

Tomorrow my father is having some of our distant relatives over. I work part-time and was all set to get the house ready for the visit today- the day before they come.

Last night, my father is out and the doorbell rings. There on the porch is my sister complete with a bag full of chemicals to clean the house!! It was as if she felt that "I" being such a loser that I am couldn't handle the job!! She pissed me off SO DAMN BAD, I went off on her. WHO THE HELL comes unannounced to a womans home all set to clean it! That is the ULTIMATE INSULT. My father says that they didn't tell me because I would get upset

Damn fucking straight I was upset!!!

This scene made last night has wrecked my day today. It is humiliating enough to have to live with my dad and not in my own home, but to be treated like chopped liver??? I want to get away from these people SO DAMN MUCH.

Sorry this was long but what do you all think of what she did yesterday?

I completely understand your reaction. Vent away.

There is nothing more infuriating than having a family member do that to you. It's condescending.

My sister who doesn't work, has a housecleaner come every two weeks and pretty much travels the world with her husband, stopped by my house while I was getting ready to mop my kitchen. She came to lament about something. I filled the mop bucket and added some bleach and Pinesol. She freaked and screamed "did you just add bleach and ammonia together". I lost it. I said "I'm 55 effing years old and I think I know how to mop my floor without asphixiating myself by now.

I sooooo understand how you feel.

I just want to add, people like your sister don't get what happened to the likes of you and I. They somehow think we just weren't competent enough to land in a wonderful life like she has. Just keep reminding yourself that this was done to you. You didn't do it to yourself. And what she doesn't get is that this could still happen to her. And if it does it will be a huge blow because she somehow thinks she's got life all figured out. So did we. ((((hugs)))

Hang in there. My mother made an OCD clone of herself. My sister. I on the other hand found the cleaning, and OCD to be abusive, and not important in my life, now my house isn't scary dirty, but it ain't eat off the floors clean either.

My mother made us clean every Friday afternoon, and would come through our rooms and literally do a white glove test, and check our drawers for orderly, neatly folded clothes, and depending on how nuts she was that particular day, you would get a pass, and could start your weekend, or you may just find yourself sitting on your floor with all the contents of your drawers dumped in a single large pile, because things weren't folded properly.

So now, at 43, I could give a fuck, I wad my panties, I dust when I feel like it, and shove things in the drawers, as long as they close who cares. I make my kids responsible for their things, and make them clean, but nothing crazy. My house is lived in, and comfortable. My mother loves to get digs in whenever she can.

I always say something like when I'm dead and gone, people aren't going to say "Tush was such a great person she kept a clean house. I want them to say, Tush loved life, and was always ready to go do something fun."

My point is if they don't want you to clean, don't thank them for taking the time to do it, and smile. Screw em.

My mother made an OCD clone of herself. My sister

YEP!!! My mother did the same: Miss Hospital Corners!

When I was growing up, my mother would go into my closets and pitch stuff SHE didn't want. THEN, she would organize things the way SHE liked - not that any of us whose belongings they were could find them! It made me fucking mad everyday and every year because I couldn't do a THING to stop her! I couldn't pick the color of my walls or put up a damn poster of Tom Selleck, Christopher Reeve or the BeeGees If something was deemed clutter and it laid there 5 seconds too long, I heard about it and was made to feel like a slob.

I SWORE up one side and down the other that I WOULD NEVER do that to anyone! My exh was another Polish Scorpio OCD person in different ways. Now that I am an adult, divorced and lost my mother to death, I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE for OCD crap. Enters my sister and there is NO FREAKING WAY I AM GOING TO BE BOSSED AROUND BY HER...and she HATES that. SHE wants to be mother hen/alpha dog and boss over EVERYONE in the WHOLE family not just hers.

In the house I lost to foreclosure, the house was clean but not BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS clean. I lived there with my exh husband made a federal case out of folding towels to their very corners, folding all his clothes like they just came from Macy's and the cans in the pantry had to face front. I lived in that house WITHOUT him and without any other OCD people for 6 years until last Sept and there were NO bugs, rats, or maggots there!

Now that I am here by my dad, I am doing the same thing. I do what needs to be done AND MY FATHER IS OK WITH IT. The house is neat, clean and processed as needed. The towels get folded the way "I" WANT THEM, the cans face every which way and my clothes get ironed when needed. My closets don't look like a shelf at Walmart but all the space is used. I can leave something on the floor and it won't get picked up UNTIL I PICK IT UP.

NO, my sister has NO concept of what we have gone through with infidelity and divorce. She never understood what it was like to study either to get good grades. Her WHOLE DAMN life has come easy to her. She has NO EMPATHY toward how the bulk of flawed people function and has NO IDEA or concept of what REALLY is important in life the way we feel now. After the shit all of us on here have been through, putting the saran wrap away off the kitchen counter so relatives who haven't visited in 20 years in the Midwest won't see it IS NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT.

She blows in here and doesn't have the FIRST DAMN clue of how insulting she is to me because I have been a dumb doormat to manipulate all my life in her eyes. I took it because my parents wanted me and my older sibling to get along. Now? I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT about getting along. I stay as far away from her as possible until SHE does shit like she pulled last night.

My ordeal and bad luck in the last 6 years has warped me and made me only want to hang out with people who treat me well. If family doesn't, I have cut them off at the knees in my life.

Tush nurse - you my BFF

After ALL I said, the bitch came back last night to do more!! And as usual, my father backs HER up This has been modus operandi ALL my life: congratulate her, reprimand me....but reprimand me in SUCH A "Catholic guilt" way to make me want to go out an hang myself for being such a horrible person!

I want to get SO far away from these people! I don't know how. I am stuck here for now

Yes- Guinness made a comeback this week and I am not proud to say I sucked down more bottles because of this shit

I feel SO useless, inadequate, trapped and taking up space on this planet.

(((Guiness)))

Let it go, all that bullshit is just a reflection of them. They have such little confidence, or have to have so much validation they have to behave the way they do. IT truly is NOT a reflection on you. It is a reflection on them.

Let it go. Next time she shows up to clean, give her a list of shit you want cleaned, and leave. Go shopping, go do something with friends, go to the driving range, anything but be there with them. Fuck them. That's their screwed up version of life, that they need to feel good. Not yours. Don't take it on, esp if it makes you feel bad.

I get it I really do, my sister is so f'd up she was literally mopping her floor with a house full of guests at her daughters graduation party. Tell me that's normal. Whatever, nutbag. You could be having fun with your kids, and friends, but instead you need mom's approval that your house is immaculate. Makes me want to sprinkle a handful of dirt on the floor. LOL.

Don't beat yourself up over the drinking, just start fresh again today.

(((and strength)))

I don't get it. I hate housework so much, if someone turned up on my doorstep with cleaning equipment, I'd invite them in with mega-hugs and a six-pack of Innis and Gunn!

People cannot "make" you mad, Guinness23. YOU make you mad by reacting to their craziness. You're a big girl now. Try deep breathing before you get all bent out of shape by your mind running all your childhood programs.

I don't get it

When you come from a Polish Catholic OCD household and someone ANYONE comes to your home with cleaning equiptment you didn't ask for, it is a DEEP, DEEP, DEEP reflection on YOU as a woman and her ability to function in life. I already couldn't have children - a basic womanly function ANYONE could do but me. Now, I can't survive in my own home without family coming to "help". THAT is WHY this is so awful! I have already failed so much in life. According to the standards ingrained in my brain, I am non functioning idiot that needs to be spoon fed, diapered and carted around like an imbecile.

I get it. My SIL is OCD clean. Whenever she visits someone, she will start cleaning anything that is not up to her standard. It is annoying as hell. It almost makes me want to greet her at the door with a toothbrush and ask her to scrub my baseboards

Lynn nailed it. Is is THEIR reflection. You don't have to take it on. You can choose to let it bother you or you can choose to say, "Hey, that's great! I wanted to do ______, so I will be doing that while you clean".

I understand that it makes you feel less than, but I think what Lynn is challenging you to do is think about why it makes you feel that way and if you truly feel that the house is clean enough then you don't need your sisters validation or lack there of to form your opinion. If your sisters favorite color is green and yours is yellow, then you both have different opinions and it doesn't make one color better than another.

At this point, what she is doing is not the issue. How you are letting it make you feel is the issue. Just my opinion.

I get where you are at, better than you can imagine. I come from a very traditional family. I have a career and no kids. I choose to define my role and what others think of that is water off a ducks back.

((Guiness))) vent here and smile at your sister as you go do what you WANT to do.

Edited to add

OR

You could just grab the stuff out of your sisters hand and say,

"I got this, thanks" and close the door. (Borrowed from NewLeases kids)

That would empower you and make you feel better!

[This message edited by Pentup at 11:37 AM, June 27th (Friday)]

Firstly, try not to feel so defensive. It will only make you feel worse about yourself.

I noticed when my mother died earlier this year, my older sister tried to appoint herself as matriarch. It is really creepy and almost gross.

When we were trying to coordinate when we could travel to visit my Dad and go through my Mom's things, my sister insisted that all travel plans be approved by her and then she would relay them to my Dad. When my husband and I made our own travel plans and informed her of the dates (and that Dad was OK with them), she was livid.

Then, she took the antique earrings of my mothers that I wore on my wedding day. Sisters are overrated!!!

(((Guiness23))

I understand your frustration. Your sis and your dad conspired against you. However, if someone wants to clean my house, come on ovah! Seriously. Pick your battles. It is your dad's house too, so if he wanted her in there cleaning, it was his prerogative to set that up. Try not to let it get under your skin.

But this gave me pause. I'm reading this as a victim mentality thing but I hope I'm wrong. You know that you chose to leave accounting to pursue your passion, right?

he made good money and let me leave accounting to pursue my passion for photography and journalism

I think what you're saying is that you felt safe enough in your marriage financially to pursue your passion and you resent your exH for blowing up your marriage and your safety net. Is that what you meant?

(((Guiness23)))

I think what you're saying is that you felt safe enough in your marriage financially to pursue your passion and you resent your exH for blowing up your marriage and your safety net. Is that what you meant?

No. The first part is true.

When I was in high school, I noticed my interest in creating things. My family said no. Pick something else. So to humor them, I picked accounting. My EXH has NO responsibility in that. What he saw is his wife deteriorating day by day because she was in a field she couldn't stand. On January 13, 2004, I was fired from the "accounting" job. Since then when I was married I tried and still try to may a living at doing creative things. When my marriage blew up in 2008, I had bigger things to worry with his infidelity.

Note: I NEVER EVER held it against him for abandoning me when I was all set to make a new career for myself. On the contrary, it was like...."oh shit...THIS dream is dead, too along with my marriage."

Till you said it, I never thought of that. What angers me most now is my inability to support MYSELF with something I know will not get me fired.

Something to add to your repertoire:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

repertoire

Ok. Repertoire=theatrics. I apologize for being theatrical here.

Eleanor Roosevelt was brilliant for quotes. People use this quote in life about feeling inferior to validate themselves. In my experience being a mentally flawed person, if you COULD make the decision to NOT let someone make you inferior, there IS NO problem. If you can't, the problem exists because the problem is a deep rooted subconscious opinion of yourself that you strive to defend for your entire life no matter what is said or how strong you become in life. Only people who ARE like this understands. The mentally strong people from day one like my sister DO NOT.

I am not perfect. I have been stepped on and treated like chopped liver all my life. I am done with this....even if it means fighting someone to clean the house I am living in. If people in my life and on SI think that I am a nutcase and flawed, I already know I am which is why I am part of the 40K members on this site.

Repertoire: a stock of skills or types of behavior that a person habitually uses

Time to stop being defensive and start being proactive.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:42 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

Have you found a 12-step program yet? I truly think that a 12-step program with a mentor who cares for you will be such a blessing in your life.

I always have said that my house is "clean enough to be healthy, but dirty enough to be lived in"!

When I was married to my ex I worked full time, volunteered at the kid's school on a regular basis, volunteered in the community a lot, and did the bulk of the cleaning at home and helped with the "outside" work too. We shared the parenting fairly equally because we both worked 12 hr shifts and it worked better for the kids.

I raised happy, healthy kids, usually had all the neighbourhood kids/friends at our house, and never thought twice about going on school trips.

Now, I am living with my SO, who for many years lived alone, didn't care if his house was clean, had no kids, and a bit of a "hoarder".

I have realized that I am so very happy to not have a man that holds me to high standards when it comes to housework! I enjoy keeping our home neat and tidy, clean on a regular basis, but don't sweat the small stuff...and believe me...everything is small stuff.

It is a joy to feel relaxed and comfortable in my own home.

That is the key...not letting anyone else make you feel guilty because your place doesn't live up to THEIR standards.....tell her to pound salt and let you take care of the house!

That is the key...not letting anyone else make you feel guilty because your place doesn't live up to THEIR standards.....tell her to pound salt and let you take care of the house!

Thank you SO much for understanding my point of view and not telling me to blow this off. She reminds me of my mother and I have zero tolerance for that. ZERO. But - the rest of them members here and you are right: I shouldn't allow this to bother me this deeply. I had an epiphany today: I am WHAT GOD SAYS I am...not my sister or any other naysayer. I really need to focus on that.