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How do you cope with an affair that happened in the past and you just found out? I happened upon some emails from the OW to my husband that clearly state they had been intimate with one another. I confronted him and at first denied it because he didnt know I had emails. When I showed him the emails to refresh his memory he did admit it and seemed to be completely remorseful. He told me it started out of the blue when the OW emailed him and complimented him for work he had done. He did not know her but continued to email with her back and forth for a few weeks when she asked him to meet her for dinner in her city while he was on business there. He met her (of course he didnt tell me he was meeting her) and he said they had a lot in common because she was from his hometown and they had some friends in common. He said they parted ways at that time but they continued emailing one another for another couple weeks. At that time he had another budiness meeting and she asked if he would like to meet again for dinner....well dinner turned into drinks, drinks turned into an invite up to her apartment....we all know what happened next. He told me he felt excited because another woman wanted him and she stroked his ego (who knows what else). He said he felt immediately remorseful and decided that it wouldn't happen again. He was afraid that she was going to try and contact me so he said he met her one last time for coffee and when she invited him back to her place he declined and she was angry. The emails I came upon were what seemed to be an argument between them. I dont know what hurts more, the act itself or the very personal intimate details of our marriage he shared with her. What is also very difficult is that for the most part we have had a fantastic marriage, travelling, walking, parenting. ..etc. I am questioning my entire marriage especially the last 11 years that he has kept this from me. My emotions are all over the map.....what makes it even harder is the fact thay my son was just diagnosed with mental health issues, my Aunt passed away 2 months ago....my father passing only 3 days after my Aunt....all this right before i found out about the affair.I dont know how much more I can handle. I am seeing a counsellor to help and husband and I are attending marriage counselling. He tells me I am the love of his life, that it only happened once and will never happen again. He even told me that if I need to confront the OW he would support me and do anything to save our marriage. One day I seem to be dealing pretty well with it all...then the next I am a basket case driven to an almost rage state because it is all consuming....so here I am...just trying to cope the best that I can. The counsellor tells me I need to leave the past in the past....but I need some answers that my husband conveniently cant provide me and to just let her know that what she did with my husband is not ok.

Shiloh:

You handle it the same way you handle and affair that happens in the present.

For you it is all new.

So, you are going through all the same things a betrayed spouse who is confronting an affair in the present goes through.

You need to find another counselor

You need to find another counselor

Excellent advice.

Your counselor is asking you to rugsweep.

Don't do it. You will never heal, if you do.

I was also hurt seeing emails in which my husband complained about me to the OW and shared personal details of our lives.

That really hurt. Most of the complaints were so minor as to be laughable. Still, he was complaining about me to a married whore.

(((shiloh))))

I'm sorry, it's hard having the rug pulled out from under you and suddenly having to question the past. I found this a great explanation of why it is so hard to cope with the shock: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

It does sound like your husband is remorseful. I hope he lets your process this and gives you the information and reassurance you need to heal. Please know that your initial obsession and the rollercoaster of emotions are natural but they WILL improve and eventually fade with time, the key ingredient, and be gentle with yourself in these early days. It is new to you and will feel as fresh as if it happened in the present; it is a small gift that it's not ongoing, but in the midst of your pain, that doesn't lessen the hurt. Don't apologize for being upset and know that one day it will be in the past behind you.

It was 11 years after my WW began committing adultery with a COW and 7 years after she says that it was over that she finally admitted to it. It was a little different for me than for you. I was quite sure that she was committing adultery but did not have any proof (and I was not really sure and hoping I was wrong). She denied and denied and lied and lied until she finally confessed (forced confession).

It is the same as if it was yesterday. The devastation is the same. The trauma is the same. I was suicidal, no sleep, can't eat, drink too much and on and on.

You need to go through the same healing process. It is brand new for you. It will be hard. Time, time and hard work. A remorseful spouse who puts your healing front and centre (Canadian spelling) will greatly assist you. But closure is required for complete healing IMO and for me that means answers. I need answers. To me the truth is less painful than the unknown. Everyone is different, though. You need to find, over time, what it is that you need to work through the trauma and heal. My heart goes out to you. This is a very difficult path and one you did not ask to be on. Look after you now.

As said above - you need to find a new counselor. You will not heal following this couselor's advice.

Thank you all so much for the support. I misspoke when I said that my counsellor said to leave it in the past. It was our marriage counsellor not my individual counsellor and she said to my husband that if I need to confront the woman then he needs to support me...but added that everyones story will be convoluted and ultimately the act of betrayal will not change. I read the NY times article and it shed a bit of light on these circumstances and my feelings. I just feel totally hopeless right now.

You handle it the same way you handle and affair that happens in the present.

That is exactly right. And do not let anyone tell you nonsense like the past is the past. That is just complete garbage.

When a BS finds out about an affair, it is just like that affair happened that day. To the WS it was 11 years ago, and that doesn't matter one damn bit.

For you, it just happened. The shock is today, the knowledge is today.

It has to be dealt with exactly as if it happened today.

And no rugsweeping and no golly gee it was sooo long ago, I forgot.

Nope, do not buy that line.

Do not let anyone tell you it was a long time ago, because, it happened the second you found out about it.

Wow, he's sure rewritten history from the sounds of it.

He makes the whole thing sound like she did all the chasing, all the planning, all the inviting, all the perusing, and he was just kind of sucked up into it without having done a thing to get there. Pretty much all cheating men make that claim - that it was the OW who pursued them. They also claim it only happened "once." The chances of either of those things being true are very slim.

Lastly, don't bother talking to the OW or confronting her. It's almost a guarantee that he'll contact her soon (if he hasn't already) and ask her to confirm whatever story it is that he's told you. Look, he's in damage control mode right now so he's going to water this thing down as much as is humanly possible.

Your therapist is a fool for advising that you rug-sweep this affair and just forget about it just because it happened 'in the past.' It's new to YOU, and that's what's important. I'd seriously shop around for a competent therapist.

Good luck to you.

I would look for a new counselor.

This is brought up in a couple of the books I have read - for the cheating spouse, they have mentally worked through it or rugswept it or just pushed it aside or whatever and to them it's done, but for the betrayed spouse the discovery is just the start of trying to work through it. Your entire sense of reality and what you thought was going on in your marriage has been turned upside down. you have every right and need to address this, feel hurt and devastated by it, and your spouse needs ot put the work into R (if that's what you both want) the same way as any WS who had an affair yesterday. Don't let your counselor try to discount your feelings and the level of betrayal

sillyshiloH:

It's possible that the OW was the sexual aggressor in the affair, as your husband claims. I found texts to support this with my husband's OW. She was very slutty and aggressive and sexually provocative.

She sent explicit photographs. He did not act similarly.

But, don't let him blame the OW.

My wayward didn't blame the OW, a serial cheater. He tried to protect her, I am not sure which would hurt more.

But, yes, as others have suggested, both our spouses willingly engaged with these women, even if the women were the sexual aggressors.

All they had to say was one word....."NO"

They did not.

Agree on the pursuer vs. blame

A cheating spouse holds 100% of responsibility for participating in an affair. Nobody forces them to contact or drop their pants.

So your husband's recollection of who pursued who may be accurate, but it doesn't make him any less guilty or the OW any more guilty.

In my husband's two affairs -I've put it together by what he's told me plus emails and text logs. OW#1 was the pursuer, more invested one. She initiated texting him, he responded. She asked him to meet her on her breaks, he responded. She initiated the first time they had sex, he responded. When he tried to distance she re-initiated, he responded. When her husband found out, she did a NC, then contacted my husband through secondary means - and he responded. 90% of the emails were her initiating to him, hims responding. When he tried to break it off in March, she asked if she could still call "occasionally" - he said sure. They picked back up.

Note he had no issue responding, and he initiated sex and texts tons of times between that first time and her "fake NC,". so none of that absolves any blame on him or makes him "less guilty."

If anything, I told him it's kind of sick because she pursued, he wasn't that interested, but the figured why the F* not and jumped in.

OW#2, HE switched to the pursuer. He initiated texting her, he initiated their first sex encounter, he initiated their "dates," etc. Now she was no innocent woman and was a serial cheater herself, so she had no problem responding.

Either which way, it doesn't absolve anybody of any responsibility. Make sure that's clear to your husband when he recalls who pursued who. It doesn't make a lick of difference in terms of responsibility or blame.

Great question, my sisters husband just confessed to her this year that he had a 1 night affair 8 or 9 years ago. Why is he confessing now we all asked because that 1 night landed him a baby girl.

She went through the same process I did when my H cheated and she felt that she didnt know how to react because it happened a long time ago too. 'Seethelight is right'.

We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I have waves of ups and downs. I caught my husband cheating in April 2009 fell pregnant with twins around Oct 2009 my grandfather (foster dad) died Jan 2010 my grandmother (foster mum) died April 2010. I gave birth to my babies June 2010.

Def get another counsellor, they are not suppose to be direct they are there to help enable YOU to find your OWN direction.

Your husband sounds genuinely remorseful and willing to do everything to help you through this rough time. Talking about the infidelity is crucial to healing.

Best not to correspond with OW especially when your emotions are still quite high. She wont see the situation as you do because she cant relate to what your feeling.

Hugs to you sweety. Talking is key and everyone here is so supportive because weve all gone through it.

What a crappy MC. It sounds as if they are afraid of a little work to get you through this. It could have been 25 years ago for your H, but DDay is day 1 for you. This is not in your past, this is your present and asking you let it go is cruel and shows me that the MC has no idea how infidelity hits a BS. The MC is not even using good mental health practices telling you to basically sweep it away. Would they tell a sexual abuse victim to just leave it in the past?

As far as who chased who, your H did not hit the end button before the PA started. I wrestle with that little easy solution that any WS had the ability to end it before it started.

Get your answers from your H. Have him read some of the letters in the healing library here on SI. I can guarantee you he remembers more than he is letting on. A good number here get the "I cannot remember" from our WS even when they just ended the A. That is standard WS talk. He can start with a vague timeline and start narrowing it down for you. If he wants you to heal from this he will do that for you.

It might be a good time to ask him what he wants. If he wants a good, whole marriage again, he needs to step up with his info, create a NEW safe place for you, and build trust by carrying the burden of the recovery. If he wants a miserable wife and marriage he can rugsweep, trickle truth, and let you flounder about alone in your pain. The decision to step up is his. If he cannot do that with complete transparency, you will find out who he really is.