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Okay.....so I invited "grocery guy" to the pool party yesterday. It was fun.....he looked really good. Very handsome.... was polite and amazingly enough....my daughter took to him immediately! I mean....she NEVER goes to strangers. But, she walked over and he rubbed her back and was putty in his hands. Sat on his lap and let him read her a book. I was in shock.

BUT BUT BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!! He dropped a HUGE bomb on me. He told me that he was not single..... he is SEPARATED!!!! WTF!!!! I would have never gone out with him at all if I had known he was still married!!!! He's only been separated 6 to 8 months..... and she is refusing to sign the papers. They were married 16 years! He's only 38!!! WTH.... they were high school sweethearts... went to prom together....etc.. and she ended up leaving him and quote on quote "She broke his heart." Today they are sitting down and having a "talk" .....and he said that he hates to be mean but that he knows taking her back is a mistake. But, he also said he will probably end up crying at the end of the conversation. UGH. He is completely emotionally unavailable. My friends say I should give him a chance....but I just see this all going wrong really fast!!!!

Am I being paranoid??? Or just realisitic?? I like him. I really do and if he was in a different place in his life.....I could see us giving it a shot. BUT...... I'm just flabbergasted. I went to bed last night feeling very depressed and disapointed. And, I have lost almost all faith that any guy on the online dating sites is who they say they are.....

Sounds like some information should have been a little more forthcoming in your earlier conversations with him at the grocery store.

While I can empathize (partially) with being in that limbo land between separation and divorce (my 1st divorce took 2 1/2 years because she wouldn't sign and I was Active Duty overseas), the fact that he didn't mention it up front comes across that he is hiding something or not honest. I didn't make myself available to date until the paperwork was straight and there was a firm date. He's on a dating site after 6 months?

Hang in there and know that you will find the right one, just don't rush yourself.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 11:11 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]

Hi, Shelly

I just had to read this. Because I knew exactly what you were going to say. Because BTDT in my way younger days of dating (Ugh, I am, I am, I am, yes. Much older now (and think, now what do I do?). Lol.)

I remember hearing that stuff from a few, and having to think no, no, no. How could it work when the person is already with someone else?? Living, dating or whatever. I didn't like it but, it rather creeped me out, and I'm proud I had a good gut sense in those days. I guess I met alot of dating potential that had similar background and with this last one compounded by my age I am very protective now.

Sorry. But just say oh, well. Another learning experience. And good you found out.

It is true, a person is emotionally unavailable in their first 1-2 yrs. complete divorce from a long term SO/XS. I thought xwf was good to go, turns out it was only 1 yr. He had much more baggage than I could even fathom under the surface, although he seemed fine on the outside and so sweet, smart, loving (Hah!).

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 11:02 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]

Run

You already know the reasons. Don't debate them. Act on them.

Agreed. Step away.

So he said on his profile he was divorced??

People change that so that they get more attention...they know that most people RUN from someone who is separated, unless the other person is also separated.

If he is still crying in conversations with his ex=not ready.

Lying on his dating profile=not ready.

And, frankly, the guys that come on REALLY strong in the beginning (liking all of your FB photos and posts) are emotionally not ready. They are almost desperate to fill the void. It looks flattering and such, but it is really something...not quite right.

You picked up on all of these problems. Trust yourself this man is not ready. Tell him just what you said, "If you were in a different place, I would be interested. So, when you are divorced and put more of this behind you...look me up."

I am not on the 100% never date someone who is separated team. However, this guy is not yet done with his marriage or mourning what he had with his ex-wife. That means that for the beginning of your relationship you will be his emotional crutch. Also, your needs and feelings will be put on the back-burner while he negotiates how he feels about his marriage and figures out who he is post divorce.

That is a huge burden to put on you. I would strongly urge you to put some distance between you and this guy. You don't have ot be a jerk, just something like: "Hey, I was married and went through a divorce. I know that the feelings are often confusing and intense. Why don't you take some time to deal with it. Call me in a few months if you're up for a friendship."

Oh Shelly, I'm so sorry! I have to second everyone else. While I am in the "don't ever date someone who's separated" camp -- even if this guy was divorced, I'd tell you to run. He's no where close to ready to date. Even if he's the greatest guy in the world, this is a recipe for you getting hurt -- because he's not in a place to be in a relationship right now.

I'm so sorry he wasn't up front about all of this. Its totally unfair to you.

He is not ready to date which is good to know now because you haven't really dated him yet. From what I understand you met once at his job site, the store (not a place for forthcoming info), and then at a pool party. Neither sound like real dates. You did fine vetting him before deciding to date. Now you know and you can back off. I am sure this is a disappointment, as you liked him, but it's not really surprising that you find out information that is new when you are vetting a total stranger. It is common knowledge that people fudge things on dating sites, like height, weight, age, and that line between D and S. That's why you vet them and don't get attached in the discovery phase of getting to know someone. Be proud of your vetting.

I hope you don't waste your precious energy in his drama.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:06 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

He could have fucking let you know this from the start. Why the hell is this guy on a dating site if he clearly is not available for a relationship. I'm really sorry this turned out this way. Don't be this guy's band aid. The only ones that will be hurt are you and Piper.

And can I just say... Please keep your child away from your "dates"... I understand it's difficult being a single mom and all, but this example is exactly why you should NOT introduce your child to a potential relationship interest for months.

Sorry he was not honest with you... That's the biggest deal breaker for me.

Tell him to call you a year after the papers are signed.

Step away!

He lied. For whatever reason, he did. This is never a good basis for starting any kind of friendship or relationship. Ever.

If you want to find out more, call the county of his residence (at the time of his marriage - where divorce would have been filed) and ask them when it was filed, who filed and the current status. It is public record and they will tell you this information on the telephone without asking for your name.

And can I just say... Please keep your child away from your "dates"... I understand it's difficult being a single mom and all, but this example is exactly why you should NOT introduce your child to a potential relationship interest for months.

PurpleRose beat me to it. THIS stood out to me moreso than the guy and his marital status.

As for grocery guy, like someone else posted, I'm not 100% in the "have to be divorced" category either. It depends on the circumstances of the separation, but I would want to know what those circumstances are sooner rather than later.

Too bad! It's definitely too soon for him to be dating because he obviously isn't over his ex yet. Gently tell him you hope to hear from him once the D is final and send him on his way.

You know.....if anything came out of this situation....its that I'm once again proud of myself for seeing the red flags for what they are. For spotting "toxic" immediately and not allowing myself to get pulled in by all the rainbows and unicorns of a new romantic relationship. I'm guarded, but in a healthy way. I have walls up that I'm fully prepared to one day crumble to the ground with my bare hands if and WHEN I meet the right guy. This guy is not ready. And, I know that. I just wish he was more forthcoming. And, I agree on my daughter. I never normally would have let a new guy meet her so soon. It was kinda circumstantial and he never tried anything romantic like kissing me or anything so as far as she knows, he is just a friend of mine and we were just grocery shopping that first day.

I am a bit frustrated and annoyed. But, as many have said before....you need a thick skin to do online dating. I think mine has been getting thicker over time and with experience. I am a skilled masonry woman who has build up the perfect walls to protect my heart until I feel safe enough to bring them down.... AND NO SOONER. Maybe they will come down....and maybe I will put up some Christmas lights and place potted plants on top for all the jerks on the other side that I seem to attracts visual pleasure!

Either way..... I am becoming happier and more content with being alone and living my life with my daughter without a man in the picture. I will not change that until I meet a pretty awesome guy. I know they exist..... but are a rarity.....for sure!

Ahhhh bummer

I'm proud you saw it as a red flag and are passing him over.

I think of men who are separated like those cupcakes in the oven that aren't fully cooked. They need more time baking, then cooling before you can frost them & they can be eaten.

So if anyone takes out a partially cooked cupcake and eats it well... It's a gooey mess... kinda gross but still sweet... wait am I risking salmonella!

Yes, it's better to wait, pass him over for a perfect frosted, ready-to go cupcake!

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 10:05 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

I think this morning I am frustrated. Its been over 2 years since I've been in a relationship and in that 2 years, I feel I have come leaps and bounds in becoming emotionally healthy. I'm in a good place in my life. Now, granted, I do live at home and am paying off a few bills, but I have a plan in place and I know how to get to where I need to be financially. I know what I want in a man and I know what I don't want. I try to steer clear from the obvious ones and filter out the others that are not so obvious. I'm at a good place with my self esteem and I'm almost in the best shape of my life so my confidence level is at an all time high.

They say that broken attracts broken. But, I don't feel broken anymore....so WHY AM I STILL ATTRACTING BROKEN?? Despite all of my filtering and being careful.....I STILL seem to find the guys that need to take time for themselves to heal or guys that simply are not in the same place in their lives as I am or have different values. It really sets me back as far as having the desire to date PERIOD. It makes me wanna say F*CK IT! Because I'd rather be alone than be somebody's mommy or counselor!

Okay....rant over.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:35 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

They say that broken attracts broken.

That's true but it isn't universal. That doesn't mean that broken only attracts, or is attracted to, broken.

Just give yourself a break. Your past choices become habits that take time to break. It was in place for a long time. It was familiar so it will be easier. At least for awhile.

Look at this situation. Would the She11y from 3-5 years ago have questioned whether or to continue talking to this guy or would you come up with reasons (i.e. rationalizations) for it?

You see red flags now that you didn't before.

You're acting upon them now.

Think of it this way. Suppose you had a car that was slight off in its alignment. You keep driving it thinking you can correct for it. You tell yourself it's too expensive to fix such a small problem. Then you find that pull, that misalignment is always there and will send you off the road the moment you let your attention wander. Finally you get it fixed. Problem solved. Except you got so comfortable with a car that was out of alignment for awhile you drive like its still broken.

So just relax. Getting frustrated is understandable. You fixed the underlying problem. Now you simply have to get used to the way it drives.

I'm convinced we must kiss a pond full of frogs before the prince actually appears.