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So, we have been separated since May 1st when he broke NC with OW. We were attending MC for a while but I stopped going because WH was lying to me and the counselor regarding everything. He is your typical unremorseful, gas lighting, selfish wayward. I have already provided a retainer with a divorce attorney and am moving forward with D without his knowledge. He has made it clear that he does not want to R but no further action has been taken on his part. Which makes me think he would fence sit for a lifetime if he could.

He left today for two weeks to head to his hometown which is where the PA occurred as their families both live in the same town. They grew up together and dated for three months before me and WH got together. Anyway, he has continued to lie and be deceitful regarding everything. Granted, he doesn't really need to tell me anything as we are separated but why does he lie? Why not just be honest when I ask if the OW is going to be there at the same time as him? Especially when he originally wanted to bring our son with him to meet the OW, I'm sure. I didn't agree to that.

So, he left his vehicle at my house while he's gone and our son and the neighborhood kids were playing in it, pretending to be driving, making a mess. When I crawled inside to get them out, there was a pre-paid cell phone users manual and pamphlet right there on the floor. Our cell phones are still connected under my name and I receive the bill. (He pays me for half). So, obviously this is his secret way to keep the long distance relationship going until their planned rendezvous. But why lie and be so secretive about it? The whole A is out there on the table, why continue to be so deceitful? Why not just call her from the regular cell phone? There's no chance of R, so why does he care? Why does he continue to lie? How can we possibly co-parent for the next 20 years if he continues to be deceitful and secretive?

I'm working really hard on trying to detach. This has been my biggest challenge. We only communicate regarding our son and finances. Allowing the truck to be parked here was something I felt I shouldn't have agreed to but I did. I shouldn't care that he has another phone because it prohibits me from detaching but I'm sure you can all relate how difficult it is.

Just wondering why he keeps lying?

Just wondering why he keeps lying?

For the same reason he lied in the first place - he's ashamed and he doesn't want to deal with things like reality and guilt.

You deserve the truth, but he's not going to give it to you. Wondering why is going to drive you nuts. I'm so sorry. Keep protecting yourself and the kiddos. Good call on keeping the D atty info to yourself. He's not volunteering anything, and neither should you.

Hopefully he will try to be as decent a father as he can under the circumstances.

(((StrongAndCapable)))

I'm sorry you had to find it, even though you know he's still in the A, more confirmation still is upsetting. Your doing all the right things. He's lying because he know its wrong but he still chooses it.

I don't believe for a second that he feels what he's doing is wrong or that he feels guilt and that's why he's hiding his activity from you and lying.

Honestly, I think he's lying about his affair and hiding things from you because he's not looking to go to war with you, and he's not looking to purposely hurt you, either. Why rub it in your face if he can avoid doing that? You seeing all the phone activity on your cell bill between these two will cause nothing but ill will and animosity between you both - and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to give you ammunition to come down on him about every phone call or text to her that you saw on the cell bill so the way to avoid that - and to avoid you having physical proof of their continued contact - is the new secret burn phone. He's not looking to add insult to injury here, and he doesn't want to make co-parenting a nightmare for you both, either.

I think he's just looking to keep you duped because it's more peaceful for everyone that way. Why hand you continued proof of his affair and cause even MORE anger and hurt if he can avoid it?

Secondly - and more importantly - it's to his advantage to keep you in the dark and try to keep your anger at a minimum. He knows the time will come (and from what you've said, it's coming a lot sooner than he realizes!) where you'll have to deal with divorce attorneys about custody issues and division of financial assets etc. etc. etc. He's trying to protect himself because he knows a scorned, angry wife with a shark for a lawyer can sometimes do serious damage to a guy when she's out for blood. Why do that to himself if he can pretend he's Mr. Good Guy and keep your anger at a minimum? I'm sure his friends have told him horror stories about being taken 'to the cleaners' in their divorces and blah blah blah.

I think there's also a pride thing going on where he still doesn't want you to think he's the lowest piece of scum on earth. I mean, why HAND that to you if he can avoid it?

But I honestly think him feeling guilty or bad is the FARTHEST thing from his mind. It's all about self-preservation, now.

Maybe the sneaking around is part of the thrill? I mean, a normal relationship where they have to pick up each other's dirty socks and underwear sure isn't fun. Living with honesty and integrity is so boring. But sneaking around, lying, the thrill of maybe getting caught? That's escapist. That could be what he's addicted to.

Keep working at the detachment. Don't bother wondering about why he's doing whatever he's doing.

While he's out of town I would recommend ramping up the D preparation, and get copies of all paperwork & documents your lawyer will need.

While there is no good way to maneuver through this situation....this is probably the best option.

Meaning, if he was sitting on the phone in front of you all gushy-gushy...then it just rubs it in your face (even though you know it is going on).

Take this as a sign you are on the right path. You know of the A, you know it continues and it affirms you are making the right steps in the D.

It also affirms you can't trust his words. I am 4 yrs D'd and the ex still lies about stuff. Luckily I am at the point of healing where my gut reponses is like "I don't care what you are doing...".

I don't agree with what neveragain said. What he does or doesn't do is not an attempt to be civil or protect your feelings. Make no mistake he is not doing anything to protect you, it's all to protect his fragile ego from this entire mess he has created. Don't misinterpret this because he will run you down in anyway possible if he feels justified to do so.

What he does is all about him and him alone. I agree he is still lying because he can't face his own reality.

Don't be upset with yourself for not being detached and being upset by this. No, it's not your business any longer, and only confirms what you know--but that doesn't protect you from being hurt. Practice stopping yourself when you get fixated, but if that's too hard, let yourself have the feelings AND simultaneously keep moving to get the D going and to heal yourself. Healing yourself will ultimately mean not sending all of your thoughts towards him. He really doesn't matter to you anymore and doesn't deserve any of your thoughts or energy.

It's not easy, but it will get easier.

Thanks for your input. It took all the power in me to not text him with a snarky remark like, "Can I get your other cell phone number in case there's an emergency at DS's school?" But, that would lead to more dishonest answers from him, so why bother even asking? Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie or a deliberate omission. Ugh! It's never ending!!

He doesn't want you to shatter his fantasy world. Each time you confront him it does just that. He escapes through her. You are reality. Why would he willingly leave fantasy world when his head is inserted in his rectum.

I read something similar in the healing library but it never really made sense to me until now.

[This message edited by william at 3:41 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Leave the manual on his front seat. He will quickly learn is it not smart or very good at being sneaky.

Craig2001, that's exactly what I did with the manuals after I found them. They are propped up so neatly and pretty on the driver's seat.