SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What are the actual code of ethics for law enforcement? Is there a proper code of conduct? Frankly I'm not even surprised that googling 'code of ethics/conduct' for my local departments returns nothing.

I have documented proof that encounters regularly took place while on duty and in work vehicles, would reporting this to internal affairs get an officer demoted or fired? I know it would likely end WW's career but since she didn't care enough to even consider that and as I've gotten nothing I've asked for from WW, I'm planning to contact AP to get their side of the story and use that as leverage. I don't really care about the fallout for her anymore. Morally, I feel compelled to do it anyway as my tax dollars pay for those dishonorable bastards. I absolutely hate law enforcement anymore. All of them.

It's truly incredible my DDay wasn't because WW had made it onto the news. In some ways, I wish it happened that way.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 3:25 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

totalheartbreak

Wow! Similar situation here. Typically there is a code of conduct that is signed with their contract. Most of them have a pretty tough union that is going to protect them unless it isn't politically convenient. I have definitive proof and am sitting on the fence with a potential custody battle. If I moved forward it would most likely cost WGF her job.

One thing I would caution you with the law enforcement field is that they are a group that feels entitled to do whatever they want. If you look at the infidelity rate, it's through the roof. Another word of caution: If you go public and continue living in that area, there is better than high probability of back-lash from her co-workers. Sorry, that you too are caught in this tough position. Hopefully, you have an easier time navigating it than I have.

isitme24 -

The things you've listed are the reasons I haven't.

Oh and here's the rub.. there's more than one.

I am deathly terrified if I am ever pulled over it'll be one of them.

They know our vehicles and they know where I live.

I also know as I've heard it from more than I care to admit that

"[Officer] assisted X gently to the ground" is universal code for beat the ever living shit out of X (while lapel camera just happened to malfunction/was turned off).

This is a regular joke among these sick bastards.

Thanks to my WW I am literally terrified of those who 'serve & protect.'

I've also hit a point where I sort of don't care.

Had I caught them in the act, I'm not sure what would've happened.

I've pointed out they had firearms (were in uniform!) and training and had it gotten physical she could have watched them kill me.

OR, had I not known who was involved due to clothes being off and a struggle ensued and heaven forbid something happened I could have been an accidental cop killer.

WW swears she never thought any of that would happen.

I can't help but wonder if she secretly wanted that outcome.

Fun fact, I'm the most absolute legally abiding person you've ever met, barely a parking ticket and I used to be proud WW was in law enforcement.

I hate all of them now and consider them to be washed up jocks with no education who want an easy income where they can power trip. I have zero respect for any of them anymore.

Except those on this forum.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 4:02 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

Former LEO here. There are a number of us here on SI – both active and former LEO‘s.

First your question: Codes of ethics vary from department to department. Generally though they have a clause that stipulate that LEO’s will keep their private life unsullied as an example to all.

It takes an IMMENSE breach of this to affect a LEO… And for good reason; a LEO could be the best officer in the world while working and then go home to be a transvestite drag-queen if that’s what he wants. “Unsullied” can be misused, preventing LEO that are gay, mixed-marriages, ethnic, muslim, hindu… whatever isn’t “normal” in your neck of the woods.

As long as the LEO is within the law, is not doing anything that is illegal then the department will stay out of his private life.

Unfortunately (or maybe not) then infidelity is not illegal so if a LEO is having an affair chances are the department won’t step into it unless the conduct starts impacting the LEO’s ability to fulfil his duties.

However… You mention that you have documented proof that he used department resources to enable the affair. THAT is a clear breach of his contract and the code of ethics. THAT is where he crossed the line and THAT should definitely be reported to internal affairs.

Will it affect his career? Probably… Maybe… If you can prove it then the reaction will depend vastly on his past performance and his evaluation. If he isn’t a very good cop then he might have his contract terminated. More likely outcome is a note in his folder that might affect his ability to progress. As with all work-related infidelity then the department loathes to take direct action unless there is an extremely good case since it opens up a can load of litigation possibilities.

I have to disagree with some of the statements here on this thread:

If you look at the infidelity rate, it's through the roof.

I would really appreciate any reputable reference to support this claim.

I have researched this quite a bit and can’t find a ANY reputable research that supports this claim. In fact research shows that the only professions that tend to have a higher-than-average infidelity rate are education workers, medical workers and traveling salesmen. If LEO are mentioned at all in the research I have read then it’s to disperse the myth that their infidelity rate is in any way higher than normal.

If I were to condemn a whole profession based on my personal experience of infidelity then I would loath hairdressers.

What is known in that the divorce rate of LEO’s is higher than average (by about 4-5%). The reasons for divorce are the same as in “normal” marriages. I could go on giving an explanation of the most widely approved theory on why divorce rates are higher in LEO families but won’t,

One thing I would caution you with the law enforcement field is that they are a group that feels entitled to do whatever they want

It’s also a profession that is under more constant monitoring and supervision by more bodies and organizations than most other professions.

My experience was that the selection process, academy and the first years weeded out those that didn’t belong. During my nearly 8 years on the force I only once witnessed an act that would be called police brutality when a colleague punched a man for spitting in his face. The incident was reported (by our sergeant who witnessed it), the man was offered the option of pressing charges but declined (basically told us he deserved the punch).

If the above claim were true then wouldn’t there be a higher outrcry in society? After all – LEO’s would be speeding, beating the crap out of the neighbors kid that plays loud music, accepting free booze at all the bars, raping virgins and… (if the claims that the infidelity is so rampant)leaving near-dead betrayed husbands beat up by the side of the road...

If you do report the OM (and I strongly suggest you do) then make IA aware of your fear of retribution. If you are a law-abiding officer and think that post-reporting you are being monitored, harassed or threatened in any way then notify the department chiefs, the monitoring agencies and IA.

I encourage you to go read SWAT70’s story. See how his colleagues reacted to his wife’s infidelity with a LEO.

BTW- Washed up jocks with limited education? Well… On my watch all of us had at a minimum college degrees, some were ex-military (with specialist training), and a couple had further education. All of us completed the academy and took regular further education and refreshment courses. At least two that I worked with have completed law degrees (to my knowledge). Of the about 20 or so I was the only soon-to-be washed up jock per se. During my last 3-4 of years on the force I finished my BS degrees. Quit the force to do my master’s full time.

Who polices the police?

Doctors, Lawyers, Judges, and Police are largely unsupervised.

The phenomenon of police taking an "us vs. them" attitude against the citizenry has been growing over the last few decades, to the point where this piece of advice has become standard from defense attorneys: Don't talk to the police. Period. You have nothing to gain, and much to lose.

This carries over to their internal investigations.

Think about it. There are plenty of videos now, of police breaking and entering, beating up unarmed and non-violent "suspects", and shooting family pets, often at the wrong addresses. Of police illegally stopping people from taking videos of them abusing suspects.

How many of them get arrested, tried, and convicted, for behavior that would be criminal if any of us did it? Aggravated, in fact, because they are carrying guns?

Instead, we get the "thin blue line".

A code of ethics is worthless unless there is a culture that supports it. Bigger seems to have been part of a department that had that culture. I'm not sure it's really universal.

Be careful stirring up this hornet's nest. One possible outcome is the police ranks closing up behind your WS and the AP, and targeting YOU with harassment.

I'm no LEO, but I second what Bigger said-- If you have proof that things were happening that made use of Department time/resources, I'd take it to IA as well. Even if it's not for entirely self-serving reasons, consider the fact that as an officer of the law, your WW was supposed to be doing a (rather important) job... Not screwing around on the clock. People could have been hurt or even killed as a result of her selfishness.

I've always read LEO have the higher than average rate of infidelity because they are one of the top professions that narcissists are drawn to. And narcissists have high rates of infidelity.

My own narcissistic, alcoholic, serial adulterer father was a cop and he slept with several of the women working at the station. None of the women were officers though, they didn't have any. Mostly dispatchers.

I know there are good cops and cops who are good people.

I agree that the reaction to any complaint you might file will depend on the culture at that district.

Wow. This whole thread is just triggering the hell out of me. I have thought, felt and said so many of the things being brought up.

FWW's a was with a close friend who happens to be a motorcycle cop. I remember at one point looking at her with incredulity and saying, "Let me get this straight... You got me involved, without my knowledge, in a love triangle with a person who carries a firearm everywhere he goes?" It's funny because FWW used to innocently proclaim, "Oh, he wouldn't have every done anything crazy." Riiiigggghhtt... Just like I was sure she would never have an affair, just like I was certain that my friend was someone I could trust implicitly.

I still, even four years later have difficulty interacting with, or even seeing police officers. I realize on a rational level that any negative feelings I have toward police in general are unfair, unjustified irrational and maybe even a little crazy... But still, there it is. Those feelings still remain. Anger, anxiety, paranoia, they all pop up. I don't like it but I'm just not sure how to fix it other than maybe exposure therapy and ... No fucking thank you I'll pass on that.

Thread jack-

Bigger, man you are among the people on this site that I respect the most. I always look forward to reading what you have to say and have found you to be, without exception, kind empathetic, respectful, thoughtful and wise. Now I find out you are former LEO....So now I feel like even more of an irrational dick for having such strong negative feelings toward LEO. Not sure if that'll help change anything but it's something to bear in mind I suppose.

I do have to disagree with one comparison though:

If I were to condemn a whole profession based on my personal experience of infidelity then I would loath hairdressers.

I have to point out that the comparison falls apart when considering that LEO's are in positions of authority. When a hairdresser has the ability and authority to detain me, search me, arrest me... When hairdressers are authorized to physically restrain me if they deem it necessary or warranted. When a hairdresser can shoot me and, in the absence of other evidence, be given the benefit of the doubt on the reason for the shooting based solely on their word....

Then, and only then, would say the comparison stands up. Other wise I think there is an important and valid distinction to be made. It is exactly because of that power imbalance that a code of ethics is so important. People in positions of power and authority must, of necessity, be held to a higher standard.

End tj

Just had to get that off of my chest. I am not kidding about how much this triggered me.

HT

Bigger -

I can address some points but will remain purposefully vague so as not to fully give away our location. I can also tell you as a child I would salute LEO. I had great respect for them. I play sports with them still and competition and locker rooms tend to reveal how people truly are. Additionally, my good friends friends were involved. I suspect MANY MANY more knew about everything. In this world being/doing good does not mean good things happen to you.

Some small background for my area, I can tell you that politicians in their zeal to address the crime boom of the early 90's in my area as well as others frequently ran on a platform of increasing (ours promised to double!) the police force without actually having the money to do so. It's extremely ironic you bring up hair dressers as our local cosmetology boards are very well regulated and in my area hair dressers actually require more than double the training in hours than the state/local police or sheriff departments and this recently made the news.

Additionally to actually double the candidate pool in an otherwise small impoverished town, requirements were basically eliminated.

If you can pass a background check, a physical and have at most a GED/HS diploma you are a candidate. Additionally, they're desperate so hiring bonuses of several thousand dollars apply. LEO here also make 10k more than the state median income and can go all the way up to $150k. Needless to say the cadet pools were flooded largely with the demographic I indicated.

Additionally, our local LEOs (state/local/police) are regularly in the news for excessive force, shootings, jurisdictional issues, etc. The folks responsible typically get a slap on the wrist and then are later promoted to lead the excessive force training regional task force.

Finally, several of the excessive force shootings the OMI has investigated. Cause(s) of death in several cases is being shot in the back. I believe OMI is pressured severely to not declare homicides and the local DA does not charge these officers. A single example has not been made.

I assure you that my assertions in this matter weigh heavily on me and are not made baselessly.

I can tell you anecdotally that in the academy and the local law school, part of their orientation includes the factoid that most relationships do not survive either (75~90% failure rate given at orientations). I took this as a challenge. Apparently WW made it a goal.

Personally, I can tell you 50~60 folks in local law, police and sheriff were involved regularly texting back and forth with WW and what I read can not be unread.

Regularly discussing everything from each others shoes, outfits, 'fuckability,' opportunities for sex (when to sneak off from work and how!), who is fucking whom and when, sexting each other, etc... were all regularly discussed.

Our LEOs exploit the fire code access given to everything from cemetaries, schools, churches, etc... "to have their women on the side." In a few cases, ex LEOs hold the position that make that access possible.

There is indeed a culture of it here. At first I wanted to believe WW accidentally fell in with the wrong crowd. I am coming to terms with the fact that she pursued them.

My WW was involved with detectives level officers and I stood/stand to be framed. I could literally be shot point blank and everything covered up. I can tell you that the absolute best way here to get out of anything is to just show up to court. All of the LEOs are either off fucking each other, the lawyers or even the judges and no one is working. The good LEOs are few and far between and usually close to retirement or so broken down from seeing all of this constantly that they no longer care.

I do not mean to denigrate your life work. I respect your opinion.

I respect SWATs posts as well. I'm telling you that in my situation, the picture while extremely stark is very accurate and it makes me incredibly incredibly sad.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 11:12 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

I was in this same position. POS OM was a cop in our small town. After DD1, WW told me that he dropped her because he was afraid of losing his job. After WW spoke to him, she told me I would lose my kids if I reported him. I did some research online, some jurisdiction in NJ have rules/regulations that provide for immediate termination if cop has A with married person within the jurisdiction.

After DD1, A either went deep underground or resumed after awhile. DD2 was this Father's Day., after OM retired in his early 40's. Fearing that OM would get his cop buddies to set me up, I reported him and one of his buddies to Internal Affairs for suspected vandalism of my car, filing a false report to coverup his involvement in that vandalism, burglary of my car, another false report, and criminal coercion (I.e., the conveyed threat to have kids taken away if I reported). I was very surprised to learn that in my town, cops can have A as long as he doesn't undertake an official action with respect to AP or family of AP, or discloses. I responded that OM undertook official duties at my house with respect to stepson with that very same IA officer without disclosing to him. IA responded that since OM retired, IA lacks jurisdiction over OM, but that it would be refer to county prosecutor's office. While it felt great to finally report, I'm not holding my breath for an indictment of OM on these charges.

OM is very mad that I reported because he will not be able to get another law enforcement job in a jurisdiction that has automatic termination for A. OM has threatened to sue me for defamation for reporting him. As an attorney myself, I look forward to him doing so.

Lastly, I had hired a PI prior to DD1 to get evidence of suspected A. PI, who was a retired cop, told me that a cop's biggest fear is losing his pension, and would drop any AP if there was a prospect of losing his pension. I was, like other posters, concerned about being setup for breaking some law or even being killed. PI scoffed about me being killed, but suggested a VAR to rebut any staged domestic violence complaint. Because OM cop has such power over BH, I strongly believe that automatic termination should be mandatory in every jurisdiction.

In sum, I'm very glad that I reported, and have suffered no retribution from my town's police to date.

I'm hoping this is a case of the bad LEO getting noticed while the fine ones continue to serve in anonymity. It's certainly true of teachers. I know of many wonderful police officers and educational folks who are dedicated and honorable, and would never behave in these ways. Yet my SAFWH was in education, and was cleary not one to whom I'd look as a role model, even if his "hobbies" never took place on campus.

Statistics are so often cited as fact. And can be interpreted so differently. I find them interesting, but not usually compelling. Here is one that looked at the professions of cheaters on everyone's favorite site, good old AM.

http://boingboing.net/2010/03/10/most-adulterous-prof.html

This assumes the respondents told the truth, of course.

LEO do have a high rate of divorce. Whether or not they are all infidelity related is unknown.

Generalizations hurt. On the other hand, people are right when they say that some LEO abuse their power. It happens. Hopefully, citizen involvement via cellphone video will reduce that concern.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 12:24 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

ScaredyKat said: "Generalizations hurt. On the other hand, people are right when they say that some LEO abuse their power. It happens. Hopefully, citizen involvement via cellphone video will reduce that concern."

I think that LEO realize that about cellphone video. A number of conservative law blogs that I visit, such as instapundit, there have been reported a number instances where police arrest people that were merely standing by videotaping police activity from a distance, despite court rulings that the public have a right to do this, and fining the police departments. Such fines have absolutely no deterrence on abusive cops if they do not have to pay the fines themselves personally which they don't, or if they are not suspended without pay for a period of time or terminated.

There can be a culture of corruption in any organization of any type.

The way to handle this is to NOT DO IT YOURSELF.

Hire an attorney, file a lawsuit against the department, USE YOUR EVIDENCE.

This will help to insulate you from retribution.

I promise you will be pleased with the results.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 1:50 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

I am not in law enforcment.

But, I am fairly certain that their behavior while on duty could prevent them from responding quickly to calls and that could present a public safety hazard.

So, Internal affairs would likely be interested to reprimand them for this, at the very least, but you need proof.

There may also be a civilian review board in your town and if so, you can file a citizen complaint.

it might depend on the size of the department. Smaller ones might be more of a good old boys club, but bigger cities and suburbs would frown on this in some ways.

Here is a story I remember reading about several months ago where a large police dept fired a female officer and the male officer resigned after being caught having sex (affair) while on duty.

http://denver.cbslocal.com/2014/05/16/denver-cop-confesses-to-repeated-on-duty-sex/

My XWH and the OW work for the same department, and carried on their affair during work hours, in work vehicles.

I also found out that XWH used to get blow jobs from a certain ambulance employee in the garage at the station while he was working midnights.

I told the chief of police everything, they got called in to the office and told to knock it off, and XWH was told to go home to his wife and baby.

Well, they didn't knock it off, they continued.

XWH was promoted in September. None of it mattered.

My fww had affairs with 3 officers (she worked dispatch). Affairs were while they were on duty and in public parks...absolutely model persons.

Like you, I was very worried about retaliation for reporting. Ultimately, I notified their wives and afterward emailed each of them stating that I had significant proof of the affairs and that if I, or my children, in any way, felt threatened by them or their fellow police officers, I would immediately forward all of the information I had collected to their Chief, IA, and every single attorney I could. In short, I had absolutely NO problem making this an incredibly public issue and simply let them know this.

In addition, I carried a voice activated recorder in my vehicle (figuring that would be the most common place I may run into one of them).

I would really appreciate any reputable reference to support this claim.

I have researched this quite a bit and can’t find a ANY reputable research that supports this claim. In fact research shows that the only professions that tend to have a higher-than-average infidelity rate are education workers, medical workers and traveling salesmen. If LEO are mentioned at all in the research I have read then it’s to disperse the myth that their infidelity rate is in any way higher than normal.

Ugh. Just from personal experience alone, I've seen such a high rate of monkey business amongst cops - including several married ones I knew hitting on me over the years, and a couple of them following me home late at night after I'd been out and I passed them on the highway. They'd pull in behind me in the parking lot and asking to come into my apartment for a nightcap. Disgusting.

I know many cops over the years who were engaged in affairs or just generally engaged in sleazy behavior whenever the opportunity rose.

In fact, I've seen so much sleazy cop behavior over the last 20+ years that I've made it a rule to never ever date cops and I've stuck to that rule.

Everyone's mileage may vary of course, I just know what I've seen and experienced.

I do not wish to blackmail or coerce. That could be easily spun.

I do however, want to know what the hell happened.

Perhaps incentivize is the right word?

One of them was also/is also a sergeant.

His BS actually hired a PI and come to think of it one of the questions WW was asked was whether I was going to management.

I'm tempted to call him and give him the head's up.

I think WW genuinely believed they cared about her. None of them ever did... it's only their own ass they ever worry about. She was actually surprised that 'the sarge' actually even lied to his BS.

I would report that in a second; particularly if he's doing it on duty. I've seen guys get demoted and/or fired for that. F'em. I don't want to work with people that brazen about it. If I need help, you better not take a second longer because you're pulling your pants up.

People think the police are above everyone else. I have to hold my shit to a higher standard, because if I do anything wrong, I get my ass hung out to dry by every newspaper dying for a story about a cop. I couldn't get away with half the shit you guys do because of it. You get put on leave for an internal investigation, and that follows you the rest of your career, whether you did anything wrong or not. So let's drop this 'us vs them' attitude, because the only ones creating that are people on this thread. We cover for each other? Really? I got a supervisor fired because I wasn't about to get caught covering for anyone. All it takes is one little slip up, and good luck being a cop again. I know plenty of 'ex-cops' and many I say good riddance to.