he came home a minute after I posted this
he is passive aggressive. This has always been his "arguing" style. He worked hard at it the first couple years we were together, but lately he's gotten back in the same very-passive aggressive nonsense.
He *seems* remorseful when I'm normal, sad, or seeming empty. He's done everything I ask, he comforts, he asks questions, he talks. He isn't great at knowing what to say when I'm sad or at any of those times, but usually he seems remorseful.
When I'm angry though - he follows the same pattern every time. First it's quiet, then defensive, then he gets angry at me, and he has ended several of them with vague threats that if it seems this way 9 months from now, he doesn't see how this will continue.
He doesn't normally have the carseat - i put it in his car last night when we left for ice cream. So I don't think that itself was a passive aggressive move - though it was definitely being a jerk when he realized he had it and didn't come home.
I do not think he went to either of OW - he shucked them out without a moments hesitation when I found out, so I don't know. He seemed glad to be done. So I do not think that's where he went. He said he drove up the coast. He was on the phone with his mom at least 2x while gone, so I doubt he was with OW at the time. So I do not think that's where he went
Either which way, obviously a complete lack of respect to not even call.
I *think* what his IC meant - well, at least from the first night he said it, was asking as a point of reflection for my husband to think about why HE gets so defensive. Like a "do you get defensive because you think she is punishing you?" Except I do not know if that's exactly what she said. But that's the only thing I can think of that would make sense in IC.
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So he got home about a minute after I posted.
he came home and sat next to me, without saying a word, then says 'well? do you want to talk?"
I starting fuming as soon as he came through the door so started it with asking him why he ignored me all morning but felt comfortable talking with his mom.
His response was "oh, so you're going to start like that? fine I'm leaving."
I asked why he didn't text me. He asked why I didn't text him, why didn't I reach out?
wtf
Obviously the conversation turned completely destructive after that. 5 hours gone and he wasn't apologetic, nothing. He started raging, said the way I punish him and lash out at him and "throw things in my face" is not helping us rebuild. That I don't seem to care about his feelings at all.
He punched a hole in the wall. Then said he was getting his stuff and leaving.
I told him I wasn't going to speak to him while he raged.
He eventually calmed down enough to talk - but the damage was done. i told him if he left, fine, but that's my line. He pulled that shit with his ex and it's his running-away tactic of not having to deal with stuff. I wont' yo-yo with him, and I won't do that to my kids. If he wants to leave, there's the door, goodbye. But I won't do any trial separation or "just separate for a couple days." He can go for a walk, a drive, I don't care. But if he decides he's leaving, then he's gone.
He told me I was threatening him. I told him not a threat, that's my line. Take it or leave it, I don't care.
he tried to apologize and swears he will try to fix this, etc etc etc.
The damage is done though. His actions, his affairs, his lies, his betrayals have completely devastated me. And the only way forward was to have to put some sort of level of trust that he (a) wants to work it out and (b) is done with the affairs.
Of any progress we made, he shattered when he threatened to leave me because I'm not "helping us rebuild."
I feel like if nothing else, we are at square one. But now that he's pulled that threat out of his pocket - am I just waiting for him to do it again? waiting for him to get in a rage?
And why the fuck is he raging at me anyway? Why all the rage towards me? What the fuck did *I* do?
