SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some helpful people on here helped me realize I have an issue that maybe you guys could help me with. I have known for a long time I have an attention issue - as far as I need a lot of personal attention. This issue played into my affair. As did my need for instant gratification. I am really weak when it comes to these two things.

What have you done or what do you suggest I do to get over:

1. my constant need for attention

and

2. my problem with doing anything for instant gratification?

Thank you :)

most likely its a self esteem issue. You get your worth from other people.

The way out of this is that you have to get your self worth from yourself not others. As long as you seek self-worth from outside. I know I have a huge self-esteem issue. I am working on it in both IC and a 12 step program.

As for instant gratification, I have that problem too.

I am like Varuca Salt… I want an oomph loompa now daddy!

I am learning how to say no to my instant wants because usually the instant gratification isn't nearly as good as real gratification.

Instant gratification is us trying to fill that open hole inside us that we think whatever we are getting will fill. In reality nothing fills that hole.

usually the instant gratification isn't nearly as good as real gratification.

Word.

Totally get the instant gratification thing. BTDT. I learned tho that 9 times out of 10, jumping the gun for an insta-fix burned me later. I still fight urges. I force myself to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask why. Why am I wanting this? Why do I want to do that? Is it because I feel *insert negative emotion*? Is it something that my family will benefit from? Most times, I find myself walking away. Because I recognize that I don't really *need* to do whatever or have whatever has my attention at that moment in time.

I've become the queen of research. Many times I find after I've done all the research, my priorities have changed. I find the fleeting moment of "gimmi gimmi gimmi" has 180'd.

We are so quick to fill out lives up with stuff and things. But it's only a fleeting satisfaction. Force yourself to slow down. Wait. Think about it. See how important it really is. Then make a decision. Yes. Hard at first. But you get the hang of it.

Several things work for me, because I KNOW I've got issues to a degree with wanting validation.

I don't like feeling like a spoiled, immature kid. At all. Personally I've always liked the Buddhist Monk mentality of just "being" and "wanting to not want". Of course this is far easier said than done, but I do truly feel like every time I get an urge for something that's not necessary-- anything from an item in a store, to wanting to construct something so bad that it becomes near-obsessive (at least to me)-- I begin to feel like a screaming little kid (like the aforementioned Veruca Salt reference), and that thought appalls me. I HATE the idea of myself screaming and crying for something. Asking/striving for things (even asking myself) to the point that it bothers me makes me think and feel this way. If I ever ask for anything from others, it's subtle, soft-spoken, and not often repeated. (Perhaps this is introspective.) I don't like to repeat myself, because it makes me feel like I must sound like a child looking for... validation and attention.

I once prided myself (perhaps overly) on being self-sufficient, doing anything I needed by myself, for myself, completely autonomously whenever possible... and if I couldn't, I had the ability to easily say "well it's not worth it right now, there's more important things to expend energy on". This mindset helps a lot with need for attention and instant gratification. It's like an extrapolation of the saying "grant me the strength to change that which I can, the serenity to accept that which I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference". I've always liked that passage, but it's not always easy. Obviously.

On the other extreme, I have more recently (in the past 5 or 6 years) adopted a sometimes-mantra. I am sure I'm not the first person to dream it up, but I didn't read this anywhere, I just dreamed it up. It's not meant to be morbid, it's just a truth, and sometimes I think/say it when things are rough... or even when things are good.

"I'm still going to die, and one lifetime after me won't even know I existed."

I don't really fear the end at all, personally; I haven't feared it for a long time, because quite frankly I just spent years pondering over the fact that I'M GOING TO someday, and I asked myself "how bad is something when everybody does it?" That thought actually makes me feel better like you wouldn't believe. I actually take solace in the thought, not for the promise of an afterlife or a reward or anything like that. (I'm kind of religious, having been raised simultaneously Baptist and Catholic, but honestly, I've come to have faith and hope in a lack of existence after I die, but I digress; that's not the point here.) Couple the idea of accepting death as an inevitability with the concept that all you have is NOW, and there may possibly not be anything after this time you have now that matters, and thinking that suddenly gives you a boost; a direness, a strength to do things you couldn't before, and right now.

Moreover, as a person who's had loads of attention in the past for stuff that doesn't matter, I gained a lot of awareness of how fickle it all is, how meaningless. Who do you want attention and instant gratification from? It's an important question to ask. Does the quote from the nameless "narrarator" from Fight Club apply?

So you want to get over the need for attention? Understand that it doesn't matter. We're all going to die, and it's not a BAD thing, or a GOOD thing. It's just a thing. Don't focus on that. Focus on YOU, and validate YOU. You are all you have throughout your life, even when you lose yourself, as we all have, as we all do. God knows I'm working on this very thing; I am no guru with all the answers. I know nothing, I'm floundering too. I am just trying to help as I would want to be helped, and I hope this helps you.

To elaborate on Aubrie's quote from above:

I force myself to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask why. Why am I wanting this? Why do I want to do that? Is it because I feel *insert negative emotion*? Is it something that my family will benefit from? Most times, I find myself walking away. Because I recognize that I don't really *need* to do whatever or have whatever has my attention at that moment in time.

Ask yourself:

"Who do I want attention from? Do they matter?"

"Why do I want attention from them? Why do they matter?"

"What good is their word or opinion of me versus my significant other's... or even more, MY OWN?"

"Is this just 'ego-kibble', or does this validation and attention have more to it?"

Validate Yourself. Make yourself VALID. NOW. While you are alive. :)

For what it's worth, anyway; Your mileage may vary.

[This message edited by RMarred at 12:46 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)]

most likely its a self esteem issue. You get your worth from other people.

Yes, this is very true for me.

usually the instant gratification isn't nearly as good as real gratification.

Geez, you posted this and I thought hmm, I don't know the last time I've noticed this to be true. Why? Because I've been so insistent on NOW. Just like Varuca. Keeping her in mind might help me - I definitely don't want to think of myself as her!

I force myself to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask why. Why am I wanting this? Why do I want to do that? Is it because I feel *insert negative emotion*? Is it something that my family will benefit from?

I'm writing these down and carrying them with me. Great questions to go through.

RMarred - sadly I'm ok being the spoiled , immature kid (just not Varuca level). However, I really like your point of thinking about things in the perspective of "I'm going to die..."

Who do you want attention and instant gratification from? It's an important question to ask. Does the quote from the nameless "narrarator" from Fight Club apply?

I want it from anyone - seriously. My AP, my BH, people I run into at work, etc. Yes, all external people, not myself. Typing this I'm realizing how much I am uncomfortable being "alone". Not in the sense of hanging out at home getting stuff done, but really sitting with my own thoughts. Why????...I'm not sure. I seriously just don't know - I can barely even try to answer this question! I can't sit with my own thoughts like that and I don't understand why not.

Also - I appreciate you elaborating on Aubrie's questions, I'm writing those down too :)

This thread is very useful. I nominate it for inclusion in some kind of healing forum here.

Internal validation is hard. Damn hard. I will struggle with it for the rest of my life.

But being valid and having integrity feels more awesome than knowing I'm living a lie. It's when I stop caring about that that I falter and fall.

SFN - thank you for posting this question, and for staying on the board. Great food for thought for me , and very applicable.

I'm exploring these questions myself and as of right now, I need to make very conscious decisions to think of others first because my default when I get tired, bored, or lazy, is to think selfishly. I try to question my motives for actions and behaviour: "who is this serving/helping?" "who am I putting first?" "am I just doing this for kibble/attention?" "what can I do for my BH or kids right now?"

It's tiring, I have to use my inner "mom voice " on myself a lot when I feel internally whiny over not getting instant gratification, (talking to myself as I would if it were my child that was whining for something). It will take a lot of practice until it hopefully comes more automatically for me.

[This message edited by Macsecond at 11:46 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)]

my constant need for attention

My therapist says a good thing to do is to sublimate something bad into a good purpose.

The first thing is to figure out what is at the core. Do you feel useless? Overlooked? Invisible? What are you afraid of in being alone?

After that, don't fight that energy... turn it into something productive. Volunteer for the PTA, get a job that has a lot of people interaction, etc.

If you sit and tell yourself "no no no", then all you want is the attention. If you sign up for the next event planning at the school - everyone's email addresses, who will take pictures, who will put up the decorations, for example - you will have redirected yourself into something cool.

Macsecond,

That's kind of the problem I'm fighting now. I now realize that I have complete control over how "loud" the "Mom voice" (or whatever other guardian voice you might use to your own objectable behavior) is in my head, and whether or not to listen to it.

Now, I've already caught myself attempting to compulsively do something earlier this week, and catching myself and realizing what would have happened (had I not deleted the app) allowed me to take stock of what I was thinking about, how I was feeling, and so on. Without that data, I could have conceivably remained completely ignorant.

Each situation is different, so you will necessarily need to set yourself up differently than I will. Good luck!

UnexpectedSong You are saying what my IC tells me.

turn it into something productive. Volunteer for the PTA, get a job that has a lot of people interaction, etc

Some things we can't change about ourselves, but we can understand them and find healthy ways to get that fix.

SFN, what does you getting attention from people at work look like? Joking around? Speaking up in meetings when you might not really need to? I think that's acceptable. But dressing a little racey, not so much.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 5:24 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)]

SFN - Glad you're still here!

RMarred

Ask yourself:

"Who do I want attention from? Do they matter?"

"Why do I want attention from them? Why do they matter?"

"What good is their word or opinion of me versus my significant other's... or even more, MY OWN?"

"Is this just 'ego-kibble', or does this validation and attention have more to it?"

Thanks for sharing these questions to ask oneself. I also have a desperate need for attention. I will think about these in order for me to understand myself better - perhaps I will work through (or start to work through) some of these in therapy.

Thank you - some of these are very good suggestions. Especially the reminder to turn it into something positive like getting involved, volunteering, etc. That's a great way to get attention in a positive way. I had kind of forgotten about that even though I have that idea written down somewhere.

SFN, what does you getting attention from people at work look like? Joking around? Speaking up in meetings when you might not really need to? I think that's acceptable. But dressing a little racey, not so much.

Surprisingly at work I don't seek out a lot of attention which is probably why at work I was primarily emailing my AP all day, or I'm on here all day, or FB, or whatever. I don't seek the attention out from coworkers because I don't like any of them. At most I'd say I joke around at work for attention but to be honest that's just a little. I need to immerse myself in my work more I think - then I can get attention from the product I put out which is also a healthy form of attention. My job is VERY boring and slow which is part of the problem. Self motivation is critical in my job and I have very little of it.

Just to add another perspective...

I don't have a problem with instant gratification. I don't think I have much of a problem with self esteem.

I do have a huge problem of disconnection. I feel like I don't belong. So I did all of those attention-seeking things to feel like I was a part of something. I am the guy who schedules events, sets myself up to be the butt of a joke if that makes everyone happy. Anything to feel included.

I think that is mostly OK with close friends and loved ones. But I carry it to unhealthy extremes, and I have a sense of, emptiness is not the right word, but it is the best one I can think of right now. That's the hole I tried to fill.

The cure is the same as self esteem problems. I ask the same sorts of things the RMarred noted. And I try to be comfortable with where I am really at, not needing to be in the middle of things all the time.

Man, it's hard. I still often feel like an outsider. I mean, at some point every day I feel like I walked out of a room and they closed the door behind me. Like I do not matter. The sad truth is that in lots of places, that is exactly true. What I work on is accepting that it is OK. And valuing the places where I am truly a part of.

I feel like I'm just starting to scratch the surface, but I definitely have a hole. I just don't know what from. I have a lot of issues from a lack of father in my life and I suspect the hole stems from that. It's something my IC is aware of and we're working on.

I think awareness is major here and just the fact I'm slowly becoming aware, plus the suggestions in here will help me when I start feeling I need attention. I don't expect to be perfect, but even pausing before doing attention seeking behaviors is a small improvement.

SFN,

How old do you think you were when you first started this attention seeking behavior?

How old do you think you were when you first started this attention seeking behavior?

I've been this way as long as I can remember. I would lie in grade school for attention (like saying I was born in another city because it got more attention than being born in the city we lived in, etc).

Were you like this from your very first memories? Like trying to gain attention from your parents, and doing things to get their attention?

Were you like this from your very first memories? Like trying to gain attention from your parents, and doing things to get their attention?

Yes, it's a major problem and obviously very hard to change after 30-some years! At least I'm aware of it now though, right?

SomethingRemorse:

Man, it's hard. I still often feel like an outsider. I mean, at some point every day I feel like I walked out of a room and they closed the door behind me. Like I do not matter. The sad truth is that in lots of places, that is exactly true. What I work on is accepting that it is OK. And valuing the places where I am truly a part of.

Maaaan, I wish you lived closer, dude. Crying in our beers together, I swear.

Yep, working on accepting that it's okay. Working on accepting that it's okay. It feels like allowing yourself to stop struggling and just sink.

Man, it's hard. I still often feel like an outsider. I mean, at some point every day I feel like I walked out of a room and they closed the door behind me. Like I do not matter. The sad truth is that in lots of places, that is exactly true. What I work on is accepting that it is OK. And valuing the places where I am truly a part of.

What are some things you do to come to terms that it's ok that you aren't important to some people? How do you work on accepting it's ok?