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I need some help regarding names.

I used many of the same "pet names" with the whore that I cheated with as I did with my BW - baby, love, princess, sweetheart... Understandably, BW was very hurt by this and put the kibosh on those names. BW and I have been together for 20 years and, over the years, have rarely called eachother by our given names. Over the last 6 months, I've come up with a couple of new ones and she really seemed to be happy with them. Last night, she began disparaging these new "pet names" and essentially told me that she didn't want them. I suppose I can work with that.

Here's the kicker. She also doesn't want me to call her by her given name because she says it's too close to the whore's name. They don't sound the same to me, but if that's how she feels, that's how she feels.

Now, my question. How am I supposed to address her? I'm at a loss. I don't know what to call her. Earlier tonight, she commented on how it's been a weird day because she's been nameless all day. I leave a note for her every day before I leave for work and this morning, I didn't even know who to write to.

I welcome input from BSs also, but please be gentle. I know it was a total asshole shithead thing to do.

I understand the crazy roller coaster of emotions that results in this kind of ongoing thing. I promise that your BW doesn't enjoy it any more than you do. (Not that you said or implied this. I'm just emphasizing that.)

What comforts her one day will enrage her the next.

I went thru some similar emotions. I noticed that my H started calling me by my given name during our false R. I didn't understand it until false R blew up and I found multiple cards/notes/etc from OW and using the same pet name we always used with each other. And I finally got the nerve to ask him if he stopped calling me xXxX because he had called her the same name. He admitted this was true.

For me, I decided I wasn't letting her steal one more damn thing from me and I told him I didn't care of it made him uncomfortable. I was xXxX FIRST and I

Wasn't letting her have that name. He was just gonna have to suck it up.

But reclaiming stuff only works if it's what the BS needs. You can't suggest that to her.

I also understand the issue with her given name. I hope you didn't say or imply this:

They don't sound the same to me, but if that's how she feels, that's how she feels.

To her because that would have sent me running for a weapon. Bottom line, she feels how she feels. Full stop. Period. Adding that you don't see it that way pretty much invalidates her feelings completely.

What is her middle name? Is it something she would go for? Or a nickname you could make from her middle name? What about "Mrs. FlawedBroken"? Or "Wife", spoken gently and almost reverently?

[This message edited by HFSSC at 12:06 AM, September 20th (Saturday)]

So she doesn't like the old pet names, she doesn't like the new pet names, and she doesn't like her given name, and she wants you to come up with a name she likes but she doesn't want to give you any guidance as to what name she might like? That's just about impossible. I think it's less about the name and more about the pain.

If I were in your shoes, I would try responding to those types of situations with something like "I'm sorry I hurt you and I will never forgive myself and I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and making it up to you," or something along those lines, because I think that's what probably is at the heart of not being able to be satisfied with any new name you've come up with so far.

If I had to give a suggestion for a name, I would try to come up with something sincere like "Love of My Life" or "Precious Love Who I Don't Deserve" or "Best Thing that ever Happened to Me" or something like that.

Also, I don't know your story, but it rubs me the wrong way when you use the phrase "whore that I cheated with" - I'm not sure why, maybe it seems to me like you are placing the responsibility more elsewhere than on yourself.

BS here, hope I am ok to post.

H never used any pet names with AP thankfully - although ironically she shares a name with my first pet which annoys the heck out of me!

He does however call me a string of names, sweet cheeks, babs, shmoosh, sweetie, baby, to name but a few.

This came about because I HATED the name he had called me for years but never had the courage to say so until after the affair as we opened up more.

He used to call me....SPUD! as in potato, all because my maiden name was a type of potato Really can you imagine calling your wife after a potato! I used to say it was because I am round and lumpy. I mean seriously!?! How unflattering lol.

Hope that made you smile.

Maybe try calling her different things an gauge her reaction until you find one that fits.

Good luck

Hi FlawedBroken. I'm also a betrayed wife. My husband recently sent me the very first email after being MIA for quite a while and he started it with my old 'pet name.' I completely lost it. I sent him a nasty email back that we were very very far from him calling me by this pet name. It was not about the name, I like the name and reading it makes me cry because it reminds me of the good times before he cheated. But at the same time I think of the horrible things he did to me and the pain he caused me. So the his use of the pet name threw me into this messy emotional state and that made me angry, too. I think your wife might be feeling similarly. So it's not about the name, it's about the unresolved issues between you and her. I don't think it would make sense to invest a lot of energy in coming up with a great new pet name, she won't like any of your ideas. My husband started addressing me with 'hey' in emails. I hate that, too, but find it less offensive than any other name. And less cold than him using my actual name which he never used to do before his cheating and the big misery that came from it. I hope this helps.

BS here. I think this kind of thing is a flashpoint for a lot of couples post-infidelity. I agree that it's about the pain--and the no-win conditions she has set (where it is clear nothing you come up with will be satisfactory) undoubtedly have to do with the no-way-out-of-this-pain feelings she now has.

Have you asked her how she wants to be addressed? She probably doesn't know, but maybe it's something you can hash out together, when her frame of mind is right for it?

FlawedBroken,

I think it is about the name. OW had the exact same name as mine, and it is not a common name. I also knew her and cared about her before D-D. Since then I have requested my friends, family, and acquaintences to use an Italian derivative of the name, one that my father used to call me. I introduce myself in that name as well. It was odd at first, but people are catching on and realizing that I am serious about it.

I immediately began to dislike my preD-D name when WSO confessed. Before D-D when I was speaking with OW on the phone, we used to laugh about having the same name. Now that doesn't seem to be so funny or cute.

So, for whatever reason your BW's reason for wanting to change her names and nicknames, listen, and be understanding. Maybe she can think of a derivative or nickname that does not sound like OW's name. The last thing your BW wants to be reminded of is OW.

Another problem with us was during the A, WSO all of a sudden, tells me "I do not like it when you call me "Hon".....he began to get mad at me for that and it was something we had always done. He stopped calling me that too. Turns out OW made a snide remark when she heard him call me that over the phone. Now, we are both "Hon" or "Honey" again with no problems.

If your BW wants to turn over a new leaf and rid herself of the A reminders and triggers by changing her name, I say more power to her.

BW here. I hate pet names now. fWH used the same pet name for me as his OW. He told me that he didn't really mean it the same way but it didn't lessen the hurt for me. I prefer to be addressed by my name now, no more pet names. fWH was stunned and sad about losing this because he enjoyed calling me by my pet name (a special name just between us) but unfortunately that is now gone, another consequence of his A.

How about addressing her as "my darling wife", "my beloved", or does she consider that a pet name? Calling her by her middle name might also be okay with her.

Right now, it's about her pain and hurt. Calling her by pet names might remind her of the time when were you in the A, even though the names are new. Just talk to her.

Hi Flawed,

I know you are new at posting on here and some of the first posts are the hardest. Welcome to SI. There is a saying a lot of people say about SI, "the place no one wants to be." I will also add onto that phrase with, "…but are lucky enough to find it when needed."

Before I respond, I want to give you some advice that, if you really listen, will help you change into a better person - the one you deserve to be- and in return, will help your BS begin to see those changes.

It sounds like you are beginning to get why your BS is so hurt, but you may not be there yet with empathizing exactly how she feels.

If you choose to work hard, there will be moments that are quite a struggle to hear the feedback about you. Why? Because all WW (waywards) at some point never thought we were the bad guy. Part of changing is realizing you were that person. It's also digging deep to understand how you became that to make sure you won't be that person again.

Please know that when we respond, we are not saying it to hurt you or prove you are a bad person. We simply know how we've changed and can recognize what you are feeling from experience and know the key things that will help you understand how to change.

I challenge you to take any of these things that we or your BS may say that causes your defense systems to go up, and dissect them. Ask yourself why you are offended that your BS doesn't want these new pet names? Why does it really matter?

Behind these moments are, more often than not, poor defense patterns you have created over the years to hide behind guilt or something you have done wrong.

Understand that while you have been together for 20 years and have called each other pet names, she is suddenly having the realization that the same person that called her all of those names, is not the person that she knew. That can be a trigger of sadness, reminding her each time she hears it a vivid reminder of who you actually are.

Below is a defensive word that I immediately recognized in your post (I have used this wording as well in the past). I hope you will see this not as a stone thrown, but a guide to help you take a second look at, and I will warn you may be hard for you to sort through without getting defensive:

Here's the kicker.

I say this very, very gently- there is no "kicker." The only kicker is when you are getting upset and frustrated by not knowing what to call her.

You will start to feel a change in you when you start to feel and understand the pain alongside your BS.

Start by acknowledging her pain. Let her know you may not understand her pain completely yet, but you are working on getting there and are struggling how to not cause her any additional pain,

Then tell her this:

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to call her. Earlier tonight, she commented on how it's been a weird day because she's been nameless all day. I leave a note for her every day before I leave for work and this morning, I didn't even know who to write to.

Keep digging. We are glad you are here and posting.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 10:16 AM, September 20th (Saturday)]

As a bs, pet names are one of the very intimate (emotional) reminders that what we thought was special between us and our spouses was freely given away to AP. Ouch.

Figure out new pet names, call her a nickname, a shortened versuon of her name. Or best yet, ask her what you can call her instead of her first name

Then with a baseline of safety, you can see if you even want to find a new pet name. Many BSes give them up entirely as they may become representative of the "we thought we were special, and that showed us no." That it's difficult to know what to call her is a flipside of the pain she feels that it's difficult to be called anything.

She isn't trying to be difficult, most likely, she's probably wrestling with the horrible pain of feeling nameless to you.

From another BS-- I'm lucky enough that my WBF's various "pet names" for me are all very specific to me-- Things that would be senseless if he tried to apply them to anyone else. While he might have granted the AP the occasional empty boon of a "honey" or "baby" or whatever(and he swears he doesn't, but who can say), I know that he never addressed her with any of the ones that are really "mine."

As an example, my favorite animals are raccoons, and it often gets joked that I'm much like one myself-- And so, my WBF sometimes calls me "Honeycoon." It's dumb, but it's also pretty danged specific. There are others, and I have similar ones for him, too, but hopefully you get the idea.

Perhaps it's worth considering something similar for your BS? Something specific to her, to an aspect of her that you(maybe even ONLY you) know/love/admire/cherish? IMO, that even goes a step further to show that you're viewing and valuing more of her than you did in the past.

BS here, hope that's ok. How about "wife", "love of my life", or something that firmly places her as your spouse? Or if those are too triggery, how about "my miracle or my blessing" or something that reminds you that she is giving you another chance. If none work, maybe time will help you find a suitable name. Best wishes!!

Another BW here... this is a tough spot to be in for sure. I wanted to throw in that xh used to call me "wife," even before his As, and I always hated it. Maybe it's the way he did it combined with how he treated me but it always made me feel like a possession, not a partner. Not saying that's how your BW would feel about it but I wanted to put it out there, just in case.

Is there maybe a nickname of her name that she'd be okay with? Or one you can create from it? I also liked what SparrowSoul said about how her WBF calling her "Honeycoon." Maybe something like that that incorporates her interests/loves? Does she have any suggestions yet?

Again, it's that dreaded four letter word... time.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 10:48 AM, September 21st (Sunday)]