SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I'm walking along the road of self discovery and healing I occasionally have an epiphany or two.

I grew up in a very toxic home with lots of physical abuse. I got away. I survived. I told myself never again. I would never be like my mother with an abusive asswhole who beat on me and my kids. I said to myself that if I were ever in a relationship where the man made me so angry I felt the need to hit him, I would walk away; If I'm ever in a relationship with a man that got so angry with me that he felt the need to strike me, I would walk.

That just wasn't enough.

My X was emotionally abusive, and it took me almost a year after DD to finally realize that that is what it was, emotional abuse.

While in the relationship, there were times I was so frustrated from how he treated me that I lashed out at others or was resentful and angry. I worked on myself not to be so angry and to "let the negativity go". I didn't realize that I should have been paying attention to that anger. Instead I learned to suppress it, and to find happiness outside the marriage in activities with the boys and close friendships with girlfriends.

I remember one instance in particular, though where I didn't suppress.

A good friend of both of ours came over and was picking up X (then H) to go out. We had already made plans, but he was getting ready to ditch me and walk out the door for his friend. I was so angry at once again being made last choice and everyone else coming first, that I made a snarky, uncalled for remark to his friend. That just isn't me. I'm a very nice person unless you disrespect me. This friend was one of the few guys that actually gave me the respect I deserved and was just a generally nice guy who stepped in it.

I was immediately ashamed and apologized. I didn't know why I did it. Now I do. I understand that I was so frustrated with a man that put everyone else before me. I was tired of not feeling safe, or like he had my back in my own M.

My little bit of clarity is this: My line in the sand shouldn't have been when I get an ass whoopin. My line in the sand should have been if I find myself becoming someone I'm not and someone I'm ashamed of, then I'm in a toxic relationship and should reevaluate if I should still be in this relationship.

I chose to stay. I should have made wiser choices. It is too late for the past, but I can recognize my poor choices and fix them. I will never again stay in a relationship if I am so frustrated with the emotional abuse and neglect that I become someone I don't like. I chose to be nasty to someone who didn't deserve it. I own it. X didn't put a gun to my head and tell me to be nasty to our friend. I cannot blame him and I cannot make excuses for my conduct.

I like who I am again. It took me a while to get back to this point. I want to remain someone who likes herself and is proud of herself.

I hope this helps others still processing all that happened. It takes a while to go through being mad at the WS, then mad at the BS, then forgiveness of self and acceptance that I cannot change the past, but I can become a better and stronger. I wont' make the same mistakes twice. I will never allow myself to let my self worth go again. He didn't do that to me. I own it and I'm fixing it.

I find I try to explain this to people in limbo all the time, especially up in General. People thinking they are in R, when they are not..

I try to tell them they are being emotionally abused, and they just don't see it. They actually defend the abuser, like it's "not that bad."

And I didn't see how bad it was either until I had a good few months away from him. Even now it hits me sometimes remembering all the times he crossed the line, and I was beyond disrespected

I'm so happy I'm feeling better too. I'm stronger than ever before.. I just wish I could pass on that strength to other people who need it. It just sucks sometimes that we have to walk in the fire to know how bad it burns..

I just wish I could pass on that strength to other people who need it. It just sucks sometimes that we have to walk in the fire to know how bad it burns

You can, post here. When they are ready to receive they will hear what you are saying. So glad you are healing and no longer in an abusive relationship.

It is so ironic that I was having such similar thoughts this morning! So, so true. I also came from an abusive childhood (but my mother) but didn't see the emotional abuse as such...until so many years later. And you're right, my personality change was that I went from being a very confident community leader to a woman afraid to make any kind of decision or have any kind of opinion.

I have kept a journal since I left of these kind of "ah ha" moments. It's like peeling back layers and layers of of protective coating to find out who I really am at the core and KNOW that I'll never allow myself to lose "me" again.

Thank you for sharing that. I hope others get it, too. It's hard to break the patterns so deeply set.

This is so true, and one of those posts I wish everyone would read. But the mind is so good at rationalizing. No one wants to think of themselves as a victim.

A friend told me in 2005 that XWH was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I told WXH, we laughed about what a man-hater she was and how she was just jealous. Of course now I wish I would have listened, as D-Day was 6 years later.

I am embarrassed of some of my behavior when I was with WXH. Like you, he never put a gun to my head, but I knew that I'd be in for a really unpleasant time if I went against him. I've apologized to many people and things are good again.

I hope that I now have enough experience to never again be in that sort of situation. To get out before it gets to that point.

I like who I am again. It took me a while to get back to this point. I want to remain someone who likes herself and is proud of herself.

I like who you are too, my friend.

We've talked about this before and we have many things in common - as usual you took the words out of my mouth.

I became someone I didn't recognise. I did that. I changed myself just to stay in that M, to have that guy in my life. That is the red flag for me. When I feel myself modifying who I am to 'make it work'.

I've had friends say that my old spark has come back - and that they missed me. I missed me too - desperately.

I had Stockholm Syndrome for sure. It was hard to accept that I was keeping myself captive. And for what? That guy? I could slap myself sometimes.

It is so ironic that I was having such similar thoughts this morning!

All I can say to this is that great minds think alike!

I hope that I now have enough experience to never again be in that sort of situation. To get out before it gets to that point.

Amen!

I like who you are too, my friend.

Awww, thanks Sis!

I became someone I didn't recognise. I did that. I changed myself just to stay in that M, to have that guy in my life. That is the red flag for me

And see, that is exactly the point of my post. It's all about reflecting on what WE did or didn't do that wasn't who we really are. Not to continue inflicting self punishment and flagellation, but to recognize exactly when and where into the relationship we started to lose ourselves so that we can easily see any future red flags and avoid the trail of death. And I too have had friends and family tell me I'm a breath of fresh air and that I am just so HAPPY! They love my smile and my outgoing personality and that they MISSSSSSSSSED it so much. My younger brother is glad big sis is finally back!

He told me he didn't recognize that person.

And for what? That guy? I could slap myself sometimes.

uhgggg, yeah me too. Trying to not beat myself up too much!