SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I suspected was off for a while. My wife travels for work. I knew that there was a chance that she was having an affair.

I snooped and didn't find anything. She was good at hiding it, but finally on Sunday 7/12/15, I found it.

I wasn't sure at first. I found some chat messages with her friends that referenced some people. Finally I found something. Someone asking about Nathan. Saying he is such a good guy.

My wife left her phone alone and I knew the password to get in. I checked the normal places and nothing. She happened to leave her gmail open and after a click or two, I finally had it.

I had the proof.

My timing wasn't well. We have two little girls, ages 5 and 2. They were out playing in the kiddie pool while my wife was watching them.

I pulled her inside and shut the glass door to make sure we could see the kids and I confronted her. I asked her point blank if she was having an affair. She lied and said no. She asked how I could ask her such a thing and went back outside to the kids.

I grabbed her phone, pulled open one of the thousands of emails from him, and brought it out to show her I had proof.

That was it. That was when she knew I had her. She said, "We need to talk."

We dried the kids off and put on a movie for them.

She told me that she was having an affair. She would not let me read the emails. She said that they would destroy me.

That night, she slept in the guest bedroom. I slept in our room, but I couldn't sleep. I went to the couch but I still couldn't sleep. I went back to my bed and just lay there.

She said that they had been physically together one week back in October. She met him through work.

I told her that I wanted to be there when she broke up with him either on the phone or email/chat. She refused. She said that she had to do this her way. That she is in love with him.

She did break it off with him. I believe her. They work together. He works in a different country and she travels there from time-to-time for work.

They have an instant messaging program at work where they are a click away.

We were very lucky in that we saw a marriage counselor the next day. I want to remain in this marriage and I couldn't tell if she wanted to. The MC helped in showing that she does want to stay in the marriage.

From Monday until Wednesday, I never saw her cry. I cried. It took me day but I cried. I have never cried in my adult life but this hurts so bad that I now cry daily.

Last night, I heard her crying on the phone. That made me happy. Not because I want her to hurt, but I want to know that she feels something.

I am 5 days into this hell.

She loves the other man. She is working on getting rid of that. She says she loves me, but what were the problems that started this whole thing?

Since we had that talk last night, I can't get over this feeling that in the end, we just might be heading for a divorce. Why waste the time?

I keep thinking about the fact that she is here. I know she loves our kids. We sleep in the same bed.

Last night she cried and said that she was so messed up inside. That she was trying to get over the other man. How she feels as the betrayer. I was happy to see her finally cry but I grew more sad. I don't know if she will find her way back to me.

I read the 180 a couple of days ago and I thought that they were messed up. They seemed almost counter-intuitive. But I am starting to understand them.

I tried this morning. I shaved. I put on a happy face. I was cheerful. I hurt more than I could stand.

I had the kids this morning waiting for the babysitter. I tried to be happy, but I am so sad inside. My oldest daughter wanted to make a list of the things I like. I couldn't come up with any. I was getting frustrated because she just kept asking me.

I told her to ask her sister. That helped. The whole time I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. Breathing was difficult.

Relief came in the form of the babysitter. I could get out. I don't want to cry in front of them.

I feel bad because I should be going to my children. But mostly I think about what this is going to do to my kids when I am with them. I am not in the moment, enjoying life. I am back there, in hell. In the pain.

I love my wife. I want to tell her that over and over but I am stopping. I am pulling back. I realize that I am attempting to overcompensate. She needs to come after me, not the other way around.

This really sucks. I used to think to myself how great of a life I had. Now I don't.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. You aren't alone. the 180 is the best thing you could do.

Now there are several key things you need to understand immediately.

180 - excellent. Counterintuitive as fuck, but put that shit on everything.

Why? - why did she do it? Because she wanted to. That's the only answer that will ever make sense to you. Okay? Everything else is a rabbit hole leading to the crack house alice in wonderland now lives at.

And don't let her put any of the blame on you. Nothing you did or didn't do cause her to do this. Or even want to do this. Nothing.

You find out who this guy is an tell his wife. That's your revenge. No more revenge against him after that. Hard as shit at first, but then gets better.

No alcohol. Period. Zip. Zero. Nada. At all costs. You'll know when you're ready again, but it ain't right now. Do you want to accidently say something in front of your kids? Do you want it potentially used against you in court? You aren't an alcoholic and don't need it, right?

Journal. Don't ask why. Even if you have to struggle to write, do it. Even if it feels like chopping wood, do it.

Attorney - see one today. Know your rights. If you and her don't want to divorce? There must be a postnup. Nothing less.

And her holding back information? Hell no. She doesn't get to do that. It would destroy you? It already has. You can't forgive transgressions you don't know about. She doesn't get to make the decision about what you get to see.

You cannot nice her back.

You do indeed want those emails.

Get them.

I'm awful sorry you're here, ICanOvercome.

It does speak volumes, however, that all her crying seems to be centered around 'losing' her affair partner, and not so much that she's hurt your or damaged your marriage. That's not a good sign at all.

It's highly doubtful she's cut all ties to her overseas Romeo like she claims. Very highly doubtful. She's admitted to being 'in love with him' and has been crying about losing him. She's got a perfect setup at work to stay in touch with him via a chat server between employees that's obviously worldwide. Since you have virtually no access to this program, all you have is her word that she's cut off communication with him - and that counts for exactly NOTHING right now.

She's all about doing damage control and saving her hide, so she's not going to tell you anything but what you WANT to hear. We've pretty much all been there and all done that, here on SI.

I'm just warning you because I think this thing is FAR from over and I think you're setting yourself up for another major fall if you believe anything she's telling you right now.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:57 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

It is too late to get the emails. The account has been deleted. All of the emails are gone.

I don't know. I think I am happy not knowing the details of the affair. I know enough, and it hurts. Do I really need to know every thing they talked about?

She ended it with him. I feel she is sincere in that. She is struggling to not reach out to him. I know that is a fact.

Should I really tell his wife?

Last night, while she was crying, she said that the OM and the OBS have a 2 month old son. So when they were physically together, she was pregnant.

There are seven lives now caught in this. I do feel pissed that he gets off free and clear but I don't want to sabotage a chance of my wife and I reconciling.

I am willing to forgive. I believe I truly am. If I tell his wife (which is really hard since this is in a foreign country), then I feel like I will drive the OM back to my wife.

I'm not an alcoholic and I haven't had a drink since she told me. I don't want to eat, let alone have alcohol.

The 180 feels more like I would be driving her even more away. Not saying I love seems so wrong.

NeverAgain2013, I don't know. I believe she is sincere about cutting off ties with him. It sucks that they have such an easy way to communicate.

I was about to type out that she is confused. Which I am sure that she is. She has this fantasy land in her head about this guy.

We are planning on going away this weekend with the kids. I guess the distraction will be nice, but I'm worried.

The MC helped in showing that she does want to stay in the marriage.

Really, I do not see how the MC could come up with that conclusion.

Wanting to stay in the marriage is all about trust and now rebuilding that trust.

She refuses to allow you to see the emails, because it will destroy you. NOPE it will destroy her. Do not allow her to dictate the terms of R to you.

The BS always dictates the terms if there is to be R.

If she wanted to stay married, she would not be giving you bullstuff like she needs to break up with him her way...no, it will be your way.

You are allowed to see all of her passwords and communications.

As for being together one time, do not believe that, this is called minimizing.

You cannot make a rational decision without knowing the entire truth.

One other thing, in order to stay married, your wife needs to quit this job. She met the OM through work and travels to see him because of her job...what happens the next time she has to travel. Do you want to live like that.

It is 100% up to her to rebuild the trust and to be accountable.

craig2001,

That's my issue with this as well. We brought up the issue of how I want her to find a new job. The MC disagreed with me. I'm not really sure what I can do about this.

ICO-

Welcome, and I am SO sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. You are not alone here.

Your post really took me back to my own first few days post DDay. The whole thing sucks. The emotions are all over the place. It's really, really crazy. I know.

FWIW, when I was at the place & time that you are now at, I took a brief "sabattical." Took 4-5 days in a small hotel in the next county, and really got my head together. I spent this time alone, processing this enormous bombshell, and made a plan for moving through just the next 30 days. I wrote, a lot. I wrote what I was feeling, and how I wanted to conduct myself as I moved through everything.

This was so essential for me to begin not only working through this turning point, but also to begin the process of healing. This sabattical, along with very early IC, helped me immensely to deal with this. Maybe this might be useful to you, too.

Yes, your life is going to change greatly, whether you decide to separate, divorce, or to attempt reconciliation. Don't feel like you must make a final decision about the entirety of the rest of your life right now. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, your children, and to maintain your dignity. Above all, regardless of the state of your marriage prior to this discovery, always remember that you are not the one to take the blame for your WW's poor decisions.

Pls, consider going immediately into IC, if for nothing else, to learn strategies and coping mechanisms for dealing with your emotions, and to help you make good decisions, when that time comes. And that time WILL come.

Finally, pls remember that guys get through the pain of adultery. Often, we come out of such a crisis wiser, stronger, and more in touch than ever before. And sometimes, when both partners are committed to it, a marriage can be rebuilt in the aftermath of all this.

Pls keep reading and posting here. It really WILL help.

Do I really need to know every thing they talked about?

Yes. In example, my ww told her AP that she had a 4 year divorce plan. You tell me what that means.

Should I really tell his wife?

Yes. Wouldn't you have liked someone who knew to tell you? I mean how many people did she work with that knew this was going on and didn't say anything? Do you wish you never knew and was back to getting treated like shit and feeling like you were crazy?

You're worried about driving your wife away???? She should be worried about driving you away! Look, if you sweep this under the rug, it's just gonna be someone else she's gonna be banging.

Did your love stop her from cheating? Then what's it worth to her? Shouldn't the woman you married value that?

Did your kids stop her? Good moms don't destroy their kid's family.

Did your history with her stop her? Then it doesn't mean anything.

Why are her feelings so much more important than yours?

You cannot nice her back. Say that out loud.

I forgot to mention that she told me that she broke it off with him. I wasn't there to know for sure. I have to take her word on this.

She has shown some signs of trying to change. She tells me when she is getting on her work cell that she is just checking work emails.

I check sometimes too. I cannot find anything but she is smart. If she wants to hide it, really I probably cannot find anything. I got lucky once, I doubt I will be again.

Notthevictem, I know what you are saying. I agree with them. It's fucked up.

We are broken right now.

I don't know why I keep worrying about her feelings. I don't think I did a lot of that before I knew about the divorce. I think that's part of the problem.

I didn't make her do this, but I drove her away.

She travels for work for 6-7 days at a time. I am home with the kids. She makes more money. We used to travel the world together. After kids, that all stopped.

I don't have many friends and none that I would talk to about any of this. She really is my only friend it seems like. That's probably why, but I don't know.

Right now, I am going between empty to sad to maybe hopeful.

We are both seeing ICs. I got a session in the day after we saw the MC. I have a lot of work to do to get through this.

When they say that the BS has to set the terms, I really don't know what terms to set. I want her back, that's really all. I don't know what to do other than NC.

I'll let the others be more eloquent.

(1) you needdd those e mails., Tahe her phone to an expert, pay the price and get them

(2) she does not get to break up with him her way. From her on out EVERYTHING is your way or the highway

(3) get hold of this OM wife and DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE OR ASK HER A FUCKING THING ABOUT IT.

(4) put a VAR in her car asap. The techies will tell you what to get and hoew to install it.

(5) tell her since she has deleted everyting she is taking a polygraph at some point so that if she is still talking to him she might as well agree to a divorce right now because you have no intention of remaining in a marriage with three people in it.

(6) get to an attorney today or tomorrow and find out your legal rights.

And lastly, understand every time you utter the words howe much you love her and want to stay married to her you are extending the period that she is going to emotionally remain in her affair. She has had not real consequences yet other than you crying.

And lastly, you tell her if she stays in that job she better go to her boss and tell him she is not going back to the country where this OM lives and why.

One final thing

YOUR MC IS A FUCKING IDIOT AND YOU NEED TO FIND ANOTHER ONE ASAP.

Your alternative to not doing most of the above is that she will take this underground further and you will be back here or never leave until she walks out on you.

Totally your choice

Now I'll let the others probably give it to you in a more gentler way.

First of all ICO I am sorry you are in this club here that nobody wants to join. Secondly though this is the best place for you to be right now. I look back and wish I would've listened to everyone here during my first few weeks after DDay. I understand the pain you are going through, there is nothing in this world like it. It is crippling and there is nothing wrong with crying or going through the pain. I thought I'd never make it through but I did with the help of the great people here and the great people who surrounded me through the ordeal.

I read through your post and this line alarmed me:

She did break it off with him. I believe her. They work together. He works in a different country and she travels there from time-to-time for work.

SHE IS A LIAR! PLEASE REMEMBER THESE WORDS!

You can't believe anything she says right now.

She had no problem lying to you over this past year and she will continue to do it. I know you want to believe, we all did, but don't. She will take things to a new, more secret level. All the while telling you it's over. Do what the previous posters said and out this guy to his wife pronto. Don't take any of her shit as she will try to dictate the terms of what is going to happen in the next few weeks and months. She has no say into this as you had no say into what she did.

Please post here often especially during these first few weeks. You will receive invaluable information and advice that just might save your marriage.

And lastly, understand every time you utter the words howe much you love her and want to stay married to her you are extending the period that she is going to emotionally remain in her affair. She has had not real consequences yet other than you crying.

That makes so much sense. Thank you for that. That's exactly what I needed.

The MC disagreed with me. I'm not really sure what I can do about this.

Get another MC right away, and make damn sure your new MC is well versed in adultery.

This is just bullshit, your MC has no clue.

Also, your wife does not get to make the calls, she does not get to choose when and how she does things.

Why dont you call this OM, just to make sure that he understands that you know what is going on.

Is this OM married? If so, inform his wife.

Read the emails. Right now your wife is NOT your friend, she is possibly the worst enemy you have ever had in your life.

She could be doing all sorts of things behind your back, she could be planning to leave you when the time is right.

She most likely got a different cell phone and has hidden it from you.

There is no reason to trust her and you should NOT take her word about anything at this time.

This angers me, where the hell does the MC get off saying your wife can continue to work with the OM a possibility. Get a different MC today.

Consider talking to a lawyer right away. The law firm's web site to read about men's rights is Cordell and Cordell.

Learn all of your options now and be proactive, not reactive. Do not let others dictate how you want things to occur.

Excellent advice, as usual.

Read...then read again..and again...nononsense's post. It's GOLD.

In fact no MC. Terminate it. Just go individually to IC until BOTH counselors say you are ready for MC. That is, unless you want her to continue to lie to the MC.

She works 6-7 days a week? Doesn't see the kids often? Has an affair to destroy the family?

Please see an attorney in the next two days and file. Not telling you to go through with it, just to show her the gravity of what she's done. It can always be stopped along the way. Make sense?

I Can Overcome

Thanks for telling me what I told you helped but the rest was just as important. Do not listen to this shit about the affair "fog". That is just an excuse to stay in the affair and figure out how to keep it going. You knock her the fuck off the fence and the quickest way to do that is to what I told you and give her a little suprise bonus called DIVORCE papers.

Yoiu can stp the process anytime you want to but that will make it quite clear to her that the "fog" bull shit is not going to work.

And you were just told by someone else that she is a liar. That is absolutely true. She looked you in the eye intially and lied right to your face so you do not believe ANYTHING she tells you that cannot be verified.

If you rwad this forum you will see what happens to those who do not listen. Your wife has done NOTHING that is unique and that those responding to you have not seen or heard. We will be able to predict everything she is going to do right now and if you listen you will stay ahead of the game.

You are going to have to make a painful choiuce her.

(1) either you do what is necessary to get OUT OF INFIDELITY AND THAT MEANS EVERYTHING

(2) OR YOU REMAIN IN THE OPEN MARRIAGE SHE HAS CREATED FOR YOU.

You may not be able to stay married and get out of infidelity and you must accept that if that isd your goal

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but I'm glad you are here. This is a very supportive place.

As someone who is only 3.5 months post DDay, probably the biggest piece of advice I can offer you is to listen to the advice you are receiving. These are the words of men and women who have been through this before and have great wisdom and insight. If you are like me, you will think:

- "Oh, my situation isn't like that. My situation is unique." Spoiler alert: it isn't. Cheater and cheating patterns are darn near universal

- "The people on here are just bitter, too deep in the world of infidelity to see what is going on with me." Nope, the advice you have received in the first 4-5 responses has been spot on. Please read it carefully. It will help you.

I remember my first post in which I asked about my wife's reluctance to take an infidelity course I requested. I was worried about what it said about her ownership of her what she had done. The replies said she wasn't owning what she had done. That she considered herself a special flower who wasn't like "those" cheaters. I read the responses and recoiled a bit. I thought, "no, that's not my wife. She isn't thinking that." Wrong. That is exactly what she was thinking. It was incredibly painful to find this out but it actually led to a much more stable place in our recovery.

To be clear, not every piece of advice will line up. For example, replies to my posts stressed the risk of her contacting her AP again. Fact is that my wife's affair was a fling and she never had a deep emotional connection to her AP. She was also very remorseful and so maintaining NC was not difficult for her. But your situation is different. You have stated that she said she was "in love" with her AP. I have read thousands of posts on here and I can tell you that the odds of her breaking NC are VERY high.

Let me repeat some fantastic advice:

Why? - why did she do it? Because she wanted to. That's the only answer that will ever make sense to you. Okay? Everything else is a rabbit hole leading to the crack house alice in wonderland now lives at.

And don't let her put any of the blame on you. Nothing you did or didn't do cause her to do this. Or even want to do this. Nothing.

Please remember these two things! Were there problems in your marriage? Sure, probably, there are in every marriage. But don't let these problems cloud the issue that your wife choose to betray your vows.

The advice about contacting the AP's wife is also perfect. You must expose this affair to the sunshine. Do not tell your wife you are going to contact the OBS.

The 180 is a little different in my opinion. If your wife is breaking NC, not remorseful, not giving you full access to her devices, and/or not taking all the actions you think is required for recovery, then 180 is mandatory. If she is doing all these things, then I'm not sure 180 is productive.

I wish you luck, friend. Please keep posting.