SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ha,

I just figured that I would share my struggles. WW and I are finalizing separation. For the most part, we are on the same page and hoping for a civil/professional co-parenting solution.

But as you know, things are easier said than done. I still have anxiety over her relationship with the OM. While the affair may be over (she says it is), on hiatus (this is my guess, though not planned), or deep underground (really not likely)... she certainly in contact and won't give him up as an acquaintance.

This still bugs me, and I call her on it... but I know we are divorcing so it really *shouldn't* be my concern. I feel like once we are truly not living together any more I may be able to breathe better and start letting go more completely.

It just comes down to the disrespect and so little consideration she is giving me:

WW says:

a) he's now just an acquaintance, someone I talked to a few times a week, he's not important

b) but I won't go NC, even for the next few weeks, despite how you feel.

Kind of lays out where I stand in her priorities.

I will give her this:

She has no personal family relationships, and she's lost my family in this (as well as me). She's also lost a few relatively close, mutual friends.

She is not well... and struggles with daily depression and anxiety... there is no cake-eating in her life, only pain she tries to dull or escape from. Unfortunately, I represent pain to her now, and OM is an escape. She's been borderline suicidal at one point, but she was able to get through that. She knows she isn't well and has been struggling with her demons for ten+ years now. She has professional help... it's just not working, or at least working well.

When you look at it like this, then the D makes the most sense as she will likely never be a safe partner for me (or anyone... and she admits this). Her fear of intimacy and dependency is pretty acute.

But anyway... back to the topic at hand. I'm just having a hard time with the 180, indifference, and detachment.

It takes a long time, and just about everybody slips up from time to time. If there was a switch you could flip off, it would be much easier. Unfortunately, you're stuck making rational decisions that hurt terribly and that you don't want to make.

Still living together while going thru a divorce is just something I cannot imagine, it is a space of such pain along with no area of healing for you or detachment as you have to be "with" each other every day. I do agree with your statement below that when you are not living together any more each day will allow for more clear thinking and better mental health for you. It does not take the pain away of what has happened but it will give you a healing period you so very much need.

But I did quote a couple of things, you can't do much about as you are getting a D, but so many WS's say the very same thing, it comes out of the cheaters handbook, when they cling to the AP more then their marriage then the A is continuing. She will continue in a downward spiral as she continues to make these choices. You have certainly tried as much as you can to heal the marriage but at some point you will need to release her to her own choices, goodness knows you have done everything that you can, my best advice...and you have heard it before but I will say it again...the 180 is for YOU, to help you heal. Not in anyway to get the WS to change their way of thinking. When you truly grasp that concept and are able to apply it is when it will become easier to do. Even if it is just a few things on the 180 list, start with those and get better at the ones you can do and then apply some others.

she certainly in contact and won't give him up as an acquaintance.

This still bugs me, and I call her on it... but I know we are divorcing so it really *shouldn't* be my concern. I feel like once we are truly not living together any more I may be able to breathe better and start letting go more completely.

WW says:

a) he's now just an acquaintance, someone I talked to a few times a week, he's not important

b) but I won't go NC, even for the next few weeks, despite how you feel.

She is still in the A, even if you cannot find anything on it right now she just is...and she has said quite clearly she won't give it up. You cannot save her, you cannot change her.

It just comes down to the disrespect and so little consideration she is giving me:

Umm, you are divorcing. Why do you expect her to have respect and consideration for you?

I've read many times that "unhappiness comes from unmet expectations " and oh boy, do you have expectations of her acting like a decent human being. Have you ever considered that she just isn't capable?

And oh yeah, she's still having the affair. No doubt.

Get the divorce and drop your expectations that she will treat you decently. Focus on your actions and not hers.

Maybe your still attracted to her and probably still love her. She left you for some other dude. If she is blaming it on anxiety/depression is she taking meds for that? Has she been diagnosed with a mental illness? If so is she in intense therapy to address these issues? Blow her off and move on with your life. If she has true remorse she will come back begging to do what ever it takes (and that includes no contact with the other guy.). And she'll respect you for manning up and taking charge.

Your post is exactly "why" I would never have an "in house separation". It's like having a bandaid ripped off day after day. I don't know how people do it. I'm just not strong enough.

I agree, in-house separation is really crazy. This is not long term, just something that needs to last another month or so. I can live with it, but I can still admit I'm not good at it.

And I agree with everything being said, the A is still basically on, I shouldn't expect her to look out for my feelings, etc. Just wanted to vent a bit, that's all.

I'm trying to 180, detach, not focus on her, etc. It'll just be easier when we are not living together. I'm ready for it, I'm actually welcoming it.

joeinfl: she's working on herself, has been for a long time, but it's not been a winning battle, but she's treading water so to speak, and functioning. She's definitely been diagnosed with severe depression and is seeing both medial doctors and therapists.

Anyway, the plan is to focus on myself, move on, heal, do the best for my son, etc. The plan *isn't* to R, get back together, hope she changes, sees the error of her ways, etc. So I don't have unreasonable expectations (other than maybe hoping for a modicum of self-sacrifice from her).

Thanks

So I don't have unreasonable expectations (other than maybe hoping for a modicum of self-sacrifice from her)

Well, as long as you KNOW this already....

Seriously though, limbo has to be the absolute worst. I hope this period of time passes without further incident, and you get some well deserved peace in the near future.

(((ToughGuySF)))

Hi, NiceGuy. I can sympathize but I have no advice. We have another month or two of in-house separation left. I have a "don't ask; don't tell" policy toward his social life. He sometimes goes out in the evening "to a coffee shop to journal." I don't ask if he's meeting anyone there or if he's even going to a coffee shop. None of my business anymore. On the other hand, if he is seeing OW, at least he isn't being obvious and rubbing it in my face. Just do what you have to in order to survive the in-house separation. I think when we finally live separately from our exes, it will be easier to detach. Virtual hug!

I sucked at the 180. Of course I thought we were going to R, but I was wrong. I was co-dependant and still hoping for R when the final DDay hit. Luckily I did not do in-house separation because he was no longer allowed in my home or anywhere near me due to an assault. Unlike his XWW, I do not tolerate DV and stood behind my charges. Unfortunately the grand jury no billed him because I wasn't physically hurt and he didn't blow my head off with the gun he pulled and cocked to my head. There wasn't enough evidence to prove it as he had put away the gun prior to the police getting there, but they did file the PO to keep him away and NC was allowed.

Just don't fall into the feeling guilty about D. She obviously has problems that an IC isn't helping her with. That is no longer your problem. I know the 180 is hard, but staying married to an unremorseful spouse with psychological issues is worse. Hang in there. It will get better. Just stay NC as much as possible and avoid her when you can. Do you have family you can stay with until she moves out?

Eventually, you'll realize that the pain of contact just isn't worth it---then it becomes simple to 180 or remain NC.

ETA: I should add that "eventually," for me, was an unbelievably long time---I don't mean to suggest it's easy. But it does happen in time.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:46 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

It's learning process. You're still pretty early on in the process in the grand scheme of things.

My IC used to say to me, "You need to alter your expectations. Immediately.".

I realize you say you don't have unrealistic expectations, but like many of us in that position, we continue to be surprised, hurt, and angry about their behavior anyway!

Try to remember it is no longer your job to be nice to her or help her out. She is her own problem now.

And I agree with the others - her A is still going on as before.

I could have written your post myself. Only difference is WH is not "living" in the house. This just means he sleeps elsewhere. Otherwise due to his more flexible schedule and our kids, I see him every day.

I, too, have posted about having trouble with the 180. I will say when I was able to do it, I was feeling better and more in control. Wish I could stick to it. It takes a lot of emotional fortitude. Unfortunately I am weak in that area due to what he has done to me.

As we are separated and he has made no promises to stay married, I know he continues to talk to her, which in his mind means it is not an affair but in my mind it is. This helps me a bit when I start to get upset. I have no claim on him, he is free to do what he wants.

I'm sure this will be much easier on you once you are separated. The days that I don't see him certainly are.

I could have written your post myself. Only difference is WH is not "living" in the house. This just means he sleeps elsewhere. Otherwise due to his more flexible schedule and our kids, I see him every day.

I, too, have posted about having trouble with the 180. I will say when I was able to do it, I was feeling better and more in control. Wish I could stick to it. It takes a lot of emotional fortitude. Unfortunately I am weak in that area due to what he has done to me.

As we are separated and he has made no promises to stay married, I know he continues to talk to her, which in his mind means it is not an affair but in my mind it is. This helps me a bit when I start to get upset. I have no claim on him, he is free to do what he wants.

I'm sure this will be much easier on you once you are separated. The days that I don't see him certainly are.

It's getting a little strange, but I'm really getting excited to separate. Never thought I would say that, and I still have feelings for my wife, but I definitely feel that "we" are over, without a doubt.

One of the reasons we are putting off the separation for a few more weeks is that I have an important work thing coming up in two weeks that is *seriously* stressing me out. I feel under-prepared, which is certainly my fault, but the whole shit-show of the past few months has not helped, given how numb/lost I was feeling. I do feel like the fog is lifting, but it doesn't help me not be stressed about work.

On the flipside, a woman I met this weekend at a social event basically asked me out on a date. I explained (nicely) that I'm not anywhere near ready for that, but that I did enjoy hanging out with her. Anyway, she left it at: "Good luck and I hope our paths cross again". That felt good... there's hope for me yet once I get onto the other side!

Sorry you find yourself in this situation, NiceGuy. The 180 was hard for me, too. It felt like I was giving up, when my heart was telling me to keep fighting. I did understand how it could help take back control of my life, though, so I gave it a try. Even if you slip up, I think just working towards it helps to keep things in perspective. Eventually you'll be free of this mess, and won't have to worry about it. In the meantime, just do your best.

Good luck with your work stuff. Life unfortunately doesn't care that we have to deal with this nonsense, but I hope you have people around who do care, and can help in some way.