I have been on this site for years but only posted once many months or maybe even a year ago. Because of this I l share some of my background before I ask for help. I am a cheater. I had a really good man, one that was honest, good to me was hard working, and one that made me feel special. We were married young, had a family immediately and juggled work, school, kids, bills, life. We had our fights, our disagreement and such and I was mostly to blame. I refused to grow up and be responsibility choosing to socialize with my family, his family or friends over tending to most of the housework and bills. My husband was and is very vocal about everything. I on the other hand had always learned to not talk about things and they would go away. Several years into our marriage I had an affair. I rationalized that the positive attention I was getting elsewhere was more important to me than the life and family I had at home. I turned the hill of disagreements and frustration in our marriege into a mountain and I very selfishly took in the attention and crossed every line there is to cross in a marriage I cheated, lied, was terrible to my husband and I was a terrible mother st the time to my kids and my family and was extremely selfish in my actions. This went on for 6 months. After it was brought to my husband's attention by my AP after it was over my life and my husband's life as we knew it exploded. This was 18 years ago.
I have done everything wrong since then. Everything. I blamed my husband, I lied more to cover it up and not make myself feel like the pos I was/am, I rug swept it, minimized it and said hateful things to my husband, I have dismissed his comments when he would get on to me for going out with friends, or tell him he didn't know what he was talking about when I talked of friends I had that were males. We went to marriage counseling back then. After a few sessions my BH felt like the counselor was putting blame on him and we stopped going and basically stopped talking about it, we rug swept it. Yes the topic would come up every now and then but it didn't take over our lives. That is, it didn't take over my life (as I later learned, but it consumed my BH's). We somehow managed to make it through raising our children together and we lived what I thought was a good life. We went on vacations, took up hobbies one another liked and hung out as a family and as a couple for all of them. We talked about, planned for and even made things happen for our future together.
Over the years I have done other stupid stuff that when you pair them with what I did back then are insane. I didn't put the thought into seeing this and didn't stop. I never stopped to realize the impact of my actions as I was not being unfaithful I would openly talk about a coworker I thought was good looking, I would lie about things like my kids grades to avoid my husband getting onto them, I would not answer my phone when my family called if what I was doing I thought was important or I didn't want to have to go right home. I would spend way too much time out with friends (my husband was invited and did come to some of these). I had my priorities out of whack.
Now fast forward 15 years from my A. I was out with friends, husband was away for the night. One of our friends does. It follow us to the next location. everyone is worried about him and texts him all night. When we are ready to go home I made a stupid choice and go to the prior location to look for him and see if he is ok. I would do this for anyone but should have made a different choice seeing as it was a guy and knowing my history. I don't think about the possibility of things going where they did, I didn't think about the similarities in what I had done before. He is in his truck drunk as can be asleep with the engine running. I knock, get in and try to see if he is ok. In his drunken stupor, he leans in, kisses me and like a dumb ass I kiss him back. I immediately realize I do not want to do this and stop it but what I should have done was not even put myself in this position. I tell my husband only the basics of where I went but lie about what occurred.
About a year later my BS comes to me, he tells me that he thinks he wants to leave me and that he has basically been planning to leave since the A, 16 years earlier. He shares that he stayed for the kids as he didn't want to see them shuttled in and out of our houses and he wondered how many me. I would have brought into their lives. He tells me that he has. It felt the same for me in all of these years and that as soon as our youngest child graduated that year he would be leaving. I was shaken to the core. Yes I know I had an A and I know that I have not been a perfect partner. Only then and after several conversations do I began to realize just how much the husband that I love and that I thought loved me didnt feel the same. It has been a very difficult struggle for both of us. I want more than anything to make things right and to be the wife he deserved to have. Some days he wanted to make this work and some days he doesn't. I understand his hesitation and I want to help him get a feel for the me that has recognized that I almosr lost the most important person in my life and that I will do anything to make him my priority and try to repair our broken marriage.
I have tried all I know to try and have not been successful at helping him to heal from the hurt I caused him. He says that he is not sure we can get back the things we have lost like intimacy, trust and respect. We tried MC( it is hard to find one especially if you are not in he proper state of mind as far as knowing where you are and if you want to try) I have gone to probably 4 IC over the past 2.5 years, we have read How to help your Spouse Heal, Not Just Friends, Getting Past the Affair, some of Dr Phil's Relationship book, We are reading Gottman Book, we have read Love Dare and Love Languages. And so many other books. I have taken a polygraph test, I have changed my perspective about life and the way I have treated him, I have made him a priority, showing him and telling home this over and over. I have started working from home and don't go out with friends. I have tried to do things I think will make me a better, safer partner. My BH has no suggestions on how I can help heal the pain or turn this around. I think he truly doesn't know what will help with the healing process. It saddens me to see him hurt and angry. At times, he believes there is no hope for us. he says maybe too much has happened and we handled this wrong from the start. Here we are 2.5 years out from when he said he was planning on leaving and 18 years from my A. We go back and forth, habr had a roller coaster of emotions and conversations and feelings. We have talked about divorce both in rational and I am going to take every penny you have conversations. I have told him if he wants a divorce I will honor it but that it is not what I want and I will stay here and fight with all of my might, no matter what comes my way I will fight for the man I want and I love. I can't accept that there is notrhing we can do to try and make something of this marriage we have been in for 23 years. .
Please, i am asking so desperately for anyone's help on suggestions of what else we can try. Perhaps suggestions on how to talk about the impacts of the A in ways that we can learn from it, get past it and start on the path to rebuild trust, respect and intimacy. Maybe has anyone tried something besides reading books or counseling. My husband won't go to counseling with me or by himself. We had too many experiences with counselors that he didn't like. How have you built trust with your BS? Not trust like where are you at any given time but trust that he can count on you when he needs you? How have you helped to remove mind movies or helped them to see that your changes are for mending what you broke and not to be manipulative of the situation? I want so very much to make this right. I am at a loss for what else to do. Thank you for any help you can share.
[This message edited by Nd2change at 5:23 PM, February 13th (Monday)]
