SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read a lot on here. I use to get upset that my H can't trust me. I am doing the working and showing him everyday that I am no longer that person in the past. I use to get upset when he says he can't trust me. But I don't anymore. It hurts to read on here that its hard to trust. I realize over time that I was the one that did this to him. I can't believe I put my H in that position that he can't trust me. It's not his fault it my fault I did this I hate that I took that away from him. I think everyday how hard it must be for him to feel insecure and have thoughts in the back of mind.

I know everything about this situation is very hard but I think the hardest thing for me that I took that trust away from my H. I put him in a situation that he didn't deserve to be in. Trust is a huge part of being married. Trust is what holds things together in a marriage. Feeling safe and secure. Him not knowing if I will do this again. I know I would never put him in the situation again but he don't know that. I continue to do the work everyday and hope one day he can feel safe again and feel like he can have some trust again. My goal is to make my H feel secure safe and free of the fear. I know it would or can't completely come back but I know it can come back to a certain extend.

I know there are tons of things that are super hard of what we did but what is the one thing that makes it the hardest for others? Mine is that I take that trust away from my H.

Took the words out of my mouth. I don't and can't trust my WH. Due to the lies afterward I don't know how long it will be till any trust returns. And how long can you live with someone you don't trust?

It just makes me sad every day.

I think I can live not being trusted what I hate is losing the part where he will never look at me the same again. Losing the specialness that was us.

It breaks my heart that I will never know the security I felt before the affair. Plus now I feel like nothing is special. Kills me.

The hardest part for me was realizing that the one person who I thought would always have my back and whom I could trust my life with, wasn't that person.

It breaks my heart that I will never know the security I felt before the affair. Plus now I feel like nothing is special. Kills me.

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In the three years since I found out about her affair, I have come to realize that there is a very fine line between TRUST and NAIVETE. There is also a very fine line between TRUST and COMPLACENCY. Before her affair, was my feeling of being safe and secure a reflection of trust? Absolutely! But maybe not entirely accurate. As one picks apart the details of the past, you start to realize that some of the things you, as a partner in the relationship, did (or didn't do), and said (or didn't say), were quite possibly the result of being naive and complacent. So yes, affairs destroy trust. That's bad. But affairs also destroy naivete and complacency. That's good. Take your new-found wisdom and resolve, and grow as a person, and grow in a relationship with someone ... whether it is with your WS or someone else.

@HardenedGuy

Great advice.

As you stated the event(s) which are negative can lead to improvement. They don't have to end in destruction. If sincere efforts are made; the bad behavior is stopped; character traits are being changed; and a sizeable investment in recon occurs, than trust can be rebuilt. Each case and situation is different, and attitude will usually determine the altitude.

I miss the way I felt about my WH the most. This continues to be the hardest part for me. I look at the man I was so in love with, and now I see a stranger. I miss loving him like that so much.

It is painful, agreed

but,

There's earned trust and blind naive trust. Part of that naive trust is putting your spouse on a pedastal and not seeing them for who they are, a human with faults.

The "new normal" IS different and will not go back to blind trust, but in a way it's better because you are being trusted and loved for who you truly are.

Kudos to you, Godheals !

godheals: That is the hardest part for me too. That what I did took away his trust in me. But also all his joy and his security. I actually robbed him of the life he thought he had. It hurts, it hurts so badly. We are now separated, and everyday life is going quite well. But living with the knowledge what I did to him and our marriage is horrible. Horrible, exhausting and painful.

The hardest part?

Knowing that I hurt the person that I love like the way I do HL as badly as I did. I am not that kind of person, and I did that. That was very hard for me.

The hardest part for me is that I used my husband's trust and kindness for my own selfish ends and stabbed him in the back. He said to me after D-day, "all I ever asked for was honesty and faithfulness." It was true---he's about as far from a demanding spouse as one could get---that WAS all he asked for, and I wouldn't give it to him because "me me me" was more important.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 5:31 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Thanks everyone for the relies. It really means a lot me.

MsAndersen- I am so sorry that you and your H are not together anymore. I hope things get better for you and him. I don't know your plans with him but keep doing the work for you!

Darkness Falls- your first two lines are so true for me also I told his trust and his kindness for my own good. I know he thought I would never do this and he would of never thought I would do this. Hell I thought I would never do this. I understand why he can't trust me. I could not trust myself.

Trust is a long journey but I am glad he gave me that gift and I do believe we have a different kind of bond that we have not experienced before.

Sorry I didn't post back earlier. It's been a day. Thanks for your responds. I appreciate it very much.

For me, the hardest part is knowing that my wife gave up. She said that for the last two years (prior to the affair), she had been just hanging on, not knowing if each day she should do it for me, for the kids or for God. And then one day, she just gave up.

The worst part...she now knows that I was just "hanging on" for 20 years. How she treated me with her controlling, criticism and manipulation over that time was more than I wanted to handle on many occasions. But I never let go. She did. After two years of being frustrated...not twenty.

The woman who gave birth to six children without any drugs. The woman who had the last two of our kids at home. The woman whom I thought was so strong in her faith. She gave up.

And the really hard part is trusting that she won't give up again...

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 10:06 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Trust

He was my solid. My safe.

Last week he said he has to be everyone’s rock- the stoic face that can take a whole bunch.

I asked what it said she he took the rock away from the person that needed it most.

Crickets.

No one likes to face the consequences of the choices they make, including bs. Life is rough sometimes. And sometimes you ruin it all. On both sides of the fence.

In the three years since I found out about her affair, I have come to realize that there is a very fine line between TRUST and NAIVETE. There is also a very fine line between TRUST and COMPLACENCY. Before her affair, was my feeling of being safe and secure a reflection of trust? Absolutely! But maybe not entirely accurate. As one picks apart the details of the past, you start to realize that some of the things you, as a partner in the relationship, did (or didn't do), and said (or didn't say), were quite possibly the result of being naive and complacent. So yes, affairs destroy trust. That's bad. But affairs also destroy naivete and complacency. That's good. Take your new-found wisdom and resolve, and grow as a person, and grow in a relationship with someone ... whether it is with your WS or someone else.

I think you're absolutely right, but I still miss just knowing that I could trust my husband and that he was on my side in life. Sounds kinda tiring to have to constantly evaluate whether or not your own spouse is worthy of your trust. I liked having my safe place.

Hard to pinpoint one thing but the way he looked at me is up there. The look of disappointment, regret, and disgust all rolled into one. It sent me into a spiral of self loathing every time I witnessed it, which was often at the beginning.