SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

I know I've been posting quite a bit, but I have a lot of questions and I need a lot of support.

H told his entire immediate family that I cheated, including the fact that I withheld some info and recently confessed. He contacted all of them right when it happened and he was in a rage.

They are understandably pissed, and may even hate me for doing this to him. He says that he cannot be with somebody who his family despises.

What are your experiences with making amends to the family?

When they feel BS is being protected and loved they may start to warm up.

When BS can heal and they see BS isn't in that acute high grade pain, the family will "accept" to their chosen extent.

Focus on your BS. All energy and focus on BS.

My one brother won't speak to my W. And likely never will.

[This message edited by Catch44 at 10:19 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)]

WS here. You are very early in the process and unfortunately you should expect many more extreme statements. In the end, our BSs make the final call on R or D but early statements that D is inevitable can change with time. Family and friends telling BS to move to D adds to shame of the BS at being put in that position but doing their own work, their own IC, support from WS allows them to make their own decision rather than follow the advice of others. Wishing you the best.

I did that with our families too when I found out. H went to all the family members that I disclosed the A to and personally apologized to them face to face. He threatened suicide at first though in a manipulative guise. But after snapped out of it.

I found that demonstration of humility helpful to my healing, and to my family as well.

I told my family a few days after I discovered. Since then all contacts between my former wife and my family members were irreversibly terminated, despite the fact that earlier my parents really liked my wife from the very first day they met her.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 7:16 AM, April 20th (Thursday)]

His family will more than likely follow his lead.

If you have a question about something, ask him. If he's not in a place to answer, wait.

You have two jobs right now.

1. Make yourself a safe partner in whatever way possible

2. Do whatever he needs or wants (within reason) to help him through this

As difficult as the roller-coaster is, what you need to do is pretty simple.

Ok we keep trying to explain that when you cheat there are consequences like having his family hate you. You're 2 weeks out and it's way.....way too soon to think about making amends. Right now your focus needs to be on you and fixing all that is broken with YOU. Read books, go to therapy, post on here, dig, dig, dig to find out what made you think this was a good idea.

Cheating is not much different than other hurtful things you do. When you do something wrong, you apologize. That is all you can do.

For now, focus on making this right with your husband. He will fix it with his family.

Focus on what is within your control. Yourself. Do what's right, that's all you can do. Your husband couldn't control you, and you can't control him. If you break his favorite glass, it might take him a few minutes to accept your apology and move forward. If his heart is broken, it will take a lot longer. This is a long process. It is not going to resolve in a month or likely even in a year.

I see someone who is trying to control something she has no control over and that is the outcome of all of this. Stop. Seriously, stop. We keep telling you to focus on you, on your healing, on becoming safe and healthy - and you keep looking to him for direction. If his family hates you, that's the consequence of your actions. This is one of many. Time to get comfortable with far reaching consequences.

Some families are just toxic. I can't say if this is the case, but it happens somewhat frequently. It sounds like this was retaliation for your affair, him telling them. He, who is grown, says he can not be with someone his family despises. That means he has little to no boundaries with his immediate family, which is a sign.

You are early early in the process. Your BS is deeply hurt and angry, as is his family. Your best answers lie with you. I would suspect there has been conflict with his family in the past, either with you or other "in law children". Look at those cycles.

Keep doing what you need to do to make yourself a safe person to love. Keep your head down and do the work. Don't worry about anyone but your BS.

I don't think your in-laws should be a priority for you right now.

Priority 1: work on yourself and fix your shit that enabled you to cheat

Priority 2: work on your marriage if there is something to work with

Priority ?: in-laws, friends, anyone on the periphery of your life that really has little to nothing to do with your day-to-day stuff.

Just my humble opinion.

Thanks everybody.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will get through this; while no one can predict what will happen to your M, know that if you do the work, you will not only survive, you will thrive. There are many FWS's on SI who are proof.

One day at a time.....

Hi,

Perhaps, I do not get the gist of this question but what exactly do you expect: a pat on the back and a "good job" encouragement?

I mean you devastated their son and/or their brother so how do you think they should respond?

It makes perfect sense BH hates you and they should because: 1) he is hurting and 2) you entirely deserves this treatment.

In addition to the mess you created in his life, you are making him be torn between you and his family. The resentment is not going to go away even if you reconcile which statistically are within 20% chance... You might also resent them for resenting you in case if you do end up staying married.

I think that I have a slightly different perspective that I think is worth sharing.

First, you have a marriage issue with respect to infidelity. I think that it should, more or less, stay between you and your husband.

Because of that, I don't think that it is great that he his family. My first marriage was also ruined by infidelity; I never told my family that my wife was sleeping around... just in case we reconciled, I didn't want my family to hate her.

But, as you know, he can't take it back.

Second, well, now you have a marriage issue in that his family hates you. It really doesn't matter the reason. My in-laws hate me because I am lazy and stupid in their eyes, for example.

In the short term, you are just going to have to live with the fact that they hate you. You cheated; he gabbed. You aren't going to win the "public relations" argument, so to speak.

In the long-term, which assumes that the two of you reconcile, your husband needs to step up and tell his family that he loves you as you are and that they need to respect him and as a minimum... they need to be cordial to you. It would be great that they forgive you too, but as a minimum they need to be cordial.

For the record, that's how I treat my parents right now too. They know that my wife and I have considered a divorce but they don't know why. They originally threatened to not give my wife Christmas presents and I told them that they either get her something for Christmas or they don't see me and their grandkids this year.