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Has anyone had success reconciling even when your wayward spouse will occasionally see the affair partner in the workplace...and affair partner is really only back with her husband because my husband chose to work on our marriage, rather than continuing to pursue her? We have been pretty successful in our reconciliation so far (only a month or so since D day), but the work situation is very hard for me to deal with. (Wayward spouse can not leave the workplace, so that isn't an option.)

[This message edited by SaddestDay at 7:14 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

Hi Saddest Day,

Sorry you had to join us here. If you don't mind me asking what have you and WH worked on to bring you to Reconciliation?

My WH also works with the OW. I am 6 months out and I am feeling comfortable with the amount of interaction WH and the OW are having, or at least I am feeling comfortable with my WH's minimal responses to her and best attempts to ignore her. However, the majority of people on here will say absolutely no reconciliation is possible if they still have contact AT ALL. Currently the OW in my situation continues to reach out for contact to my WH, take a look at people's responses to my post earlier today going into the Co-worker affair dynamic (on the reconciliation board- confronting the OW together as a couple). However, my situation seems to be different in that my WH never came close to being in love with OW. I would say that personally that would make it much more difficult to trust what your WH was saying. As if he just snapped out of love with her, to me it is just hard to believe. Not saying impossible, just difficult for my own trust level.

Hi saddestday, I don't have much advice, but I feel we are In very similar situation. My WH can't leave his job either and

I have a very hard time knowing he still sees the ow at work, and especially knowing how unhappy her marriage is.

I feel like for me, in order for R to work in our situation, WH is going to have to be very upfront with their encounters, telling me all about them, what was said, who was around, when it happened, etc.

If they can do this along with proving they want to make things work and love us- I believe it will be possible.

Hugs to you and best of luck.

I couldn't do it. NC was a must for me to even try to move forward with R. The question I have is if it bothers you? Does it cause you anxiety? Is it getting the way of your healing? Etc.

To go out on a limb for a moment, I can't tell you how many times on SI I have heard in the last 6 months that their H can't leave their job. I have a hard time really grasping that. It is a job. I think there are hurdles and reasons that may make make it difficult but I don't believe it is impossible. I don't think it is going too far to demand it if you need it.

My WS was still working with MCOW AP after DD1, she said she was going to quit but then didn't and it caused 2 more DD's. After DD3 I drew up seperation agreement, had it signed and told him to get out right in front of our daughter. I told her that her dad would never allowed anyone to treat her like that and its unacceptable for him to be doing this to us.

It was finally the turning point for my WS to break it off with her, go NC and she quit the company. We never would have made it to today if she was still working with him. It was bad enough that his coworkers were supporting the affair.

me bs - 46

him ws - 49

DD1 - Oct 29/16 EA/PA W/MCOW Jul 16 to Jan 17

DD2 - Nov 17/16

DD3 - Jan 4/17

I knew the PA started July 9/17 he just keep gaslighting me, till OBS contacted me

"I can't tell you how many times on SI I have heard in the last 6 months that their H can't leave their job. I have a hard time really grasping that. It is a job. I think there are hurdles and reasons that may make make it difficult but I don't believe it is impossible. I don't think it is going too far to demand it if you need it."

this^^

if he can't leave the job then I would have to leave the marriage.

gently, he told her he loved her (your other thread), so he really needs to leave this job.

[This message edited by sewardak at 7:06 AM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

Hi Saddest Day, sorry you are here.

My FWH had an affair at work, was discovered within a month.

'Ended' it immediately and started looking for a new job (which he claimed would be virtually impossible). Although he claimed he was looking, I don't think he tried to hard for some time.

There was no real reconciliation, the affair continued underground and the stress And anxiety was huge. Long story short, he eventually found a new job on the other side of the world and we moved. True reconciliation began then (2 years after D day - the worst 2 years of my life). Because of those two years of continued contact, it has taken much longer to heal.

Even now, because they both work in a narrow field there has been some work contact. It still causes immense anxiety for me, despite our marriage being pretty damn good now.

My advice is that You won't be happy if they stay working together. It's a miracle that I actually waited for two years without killing him or myself!

My xWW continued to work with her AP after the 1st DDay. She swore up and down that they had no further contact other than work-related issues, and that they were never alone together for any reason. She swore that she was sending out resumes to find another job (quitting working for him was a requirement for R for me), and would even show me several "thanks but no thanks" messages she received from potential employers. After about a month or two of this, I got a little pissed and sent an email to their Board of Directors, outlining the affair and how it had mostly happened during work days and conferences they attended together. The Board promised me they would look into it and that actions would be taken. They ended up questioning them both and reprimanding him. They transferred her to another location so that they would no longer work together.

Why did I tell you all that backstory there? Well, because most all of it was a sham. They stopped for about a month after the 1st DDay, then resumed their activities. Even when they were no longer at the same location, they would make excuses to meet up outside of work during the work day to continue the affair. She got a burner phone and hid it well so that it didn't matter how many times I checked her phone or email... there was little-to-no contact between them, and what was there was completely professional. Eventually all that blew up, she quit her job and found another within a week. He ended up getting fired because someone ( ) told their Board about the continued affair and how the reprimand did absolutely nothing to deter the affair. The bottom line is that if someone wants to continue the affair, they will find a way to, and most likely be even sneakier about it... but working together only affords them extra opportunities and an easier means to continue it. That's my 2 cents.

My WS works with AP still. In my situation it was a ONS after a work even with a heavy amount of drinking. WS could leave the job but it would reduce our household income by six-figures. She could get a position in the same line of work but the pay would be less than half due to the fortunate job she ended up in with her company. A new job would mean starting back at the bottom of the ladder.

Not so say that money is everything...but that would be a huge lifestyle change for me as well. WS is willing to quit the job. However, a divorce attorney I spoke with advised that I should not request that she leave her job without a post-nup as it could come back to bite me in the ass if we divorce and I'm the main bread winner. It's a pretty crappy situation all around.

For now, she has told the AP that there is to be no contact other that what is absolutely necessary. She texts my with any interaction at all with complete details. Even if it's just him saying good morning on his way in. She pretends that he doesn't exist and has told him to think of her the same way.

No more work functions. Period.

I hate knowing they they work in the same building. But I do believe it would be a lot harder if there was an ongoing affair or a connection on a deeper level than the ONS. Had this been a planned affair that was ongoing and hidden, it would be a lot harder than it already is.

WS is applying to other jobs and is hopeful that something will come along that makes sense for us.

So when you say your husband "can't leave his job" while not entirely true, I understand the ramifications it can have. If you are dependent on that income, why should you be further punished for the WS stupidity? That being said, if you believe there is any chance at all that the AP and WS are still flirting or carrying on their feelings for one another. He needs to choose between that and the marriage.

Basically, there is no winning solution.

Hi SaddestDay,

I am in your exact situation only about 8 months out from Dday. The OW left her husband in the beginning of the A and has since divorced. My WH sees her for work related mtgs once or twice a month. My WH is trying to "find love" again with me but sometimes seems so distant. I'm not sure how to get past the hyper vigilance - I still have it. It's hard on the mind and body. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. One day at a time.

Hi SaddestDay,

I am in your exact situation only about 8 months out from Dday. The OW left her husband in the beginning of the A and has since divorced. My WH sees her for work related mtgs once or twice a month. My WH is trying to "find love" again with me but sometimes seems so distant. I'm not sure how to get past the hyper vigilance - I still have it. It's hard on the mind and body. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. One day at a time.

My WH OW was an employee of the company who worked at a site 3,000 miles across the country.

Logistically he couldn't see her.

He would have to minimally interact with her on a professional level through via emails. No way in hell would I allow any interaction. NC means NC.

He found another job. It took him several months.

IMO the first ground rule for R is NC. Just my opinion.

OW sent my WH one work-related email after D-Day. He cordially shut her down immediately.

Your spouse needs to make a choice between the marriage and the job.

the A continues if there is any contact.

Your spouse should have thought of that before the A.

Good luck to you with your pain and hope you heal.

Nope, read my tag line below. Your husband has to leave the job. You can't force the AP to leave, but you can lay down the law with your husband.

Do NOT wait 8 months like I did. Give him a date (soon) and if he isn't out by then divorce him.

I spent 8 months of constant paranoia wondering hourly what my wife was doing at work. I literally went insane with anger and resentment that my wife would choose a horrible job over our marriage. She eventually gave in and quit without another job. That 8 month period of ambivalence did major damage to our marriage.

I haven't read all of the responses but I want to weigh in. I think sometimes it can be done, but it hardly ever works. Based on a lot of reading here and elsewhere there has to be complete NC. First for the sake of the BS, but also so that the WS doesn't get roped back in.

Now I'll give you some first hand experience. I am fortunate enough to have a FWS who was willing to tell me all and we talk about feelings a lot. Many here don't believe in the fog, but I most certainly do believe that an affair creates all kinds of mind games. I know this because my husband and I lived through it. We were that emotionally intimate during R that I watched as the fog lifted. My fws worked with OW and he continued to work with her for 3 months until he got another job. During that 3 months he wanted so badly to reconcile but the OW was like a drug- you don't have to believe me but I believe it. Until there was NC he couldn't move forward with our R. It is that powerful. Now nearly two years later my husband is so mad that she had such a hold on him but says it wasn't her. He said he really didn't know her. It was just that messed up in his head.

Anyway knowing what I know now, I would never even consider reconciling with someone who still works with their AP.

NC was one of my deal breakers. They met at golf but both were very involved in the sport at State Level. I made WH quit and I destroyed every golf related thing in my home. Golf clubs, apparel, trophies, certificates etc. I unsubscribed WH from all golf related groups. We do not talk to anyone from golf (some of them knew and didn't tell me). You said your WS cannot leave the workplace. I'm sorry to read that.

WH here, hope you don't mind. I had an affair with an employee of mine, and as difficult as it would be to quit my job, I made a commitment to either fire her or give (yes give) my half of the company back to my partner and walk away in 12 months. We also set up multiple methods for my BS to monitor my activities in the office - cameras, listening devices, recording devices, told my partner for the accountability...

I nearly ruined several families lives, in addition to ours, but I had to do it. She was gone in about 8 months.

So while it may be financially difficult to change jobs this week, he can certainly commit to a timeframe for leaving and demonstrate real commitment to the search.

WW here, I worked with 2 of my APs for 4 months after DDay. That was the worst thing I could have done. I thought we couldn't afford for me to quit, when in reality we couldn't afford for me not to. After putting in applications with no response, I finally went to the GM of the company and told him if I didn't get a new position I would have to quit because this job was not worth loosing my H over. By the next week I was in a new position away from both APs. We took a substantial paycut in doing so, however, had I not I would not be married. I'm glad I pulled my head outta my ass and found a way. There is always a way.

My FWH still works at the same job with FOW. They were on the same shift. It was extremely hard to take but the job market sucked here and we had already taken a hit by him taking this job. We could not afford another. That being said, I became a regular visitor to his job and we have lunch every Saturday (he works-I don't). We are 4 years out and better than ever. After realizing he was serious about NC, she moved to a different shift. She also stayed with her SO because she had no where else to go. It also helped that she ran my fWH into the ground with co-workers, who ignored what she had to say because they, like him, figured out just what she was really like. You are very new into this. Your spouse, like mine, HAS to be transparent about everything. You need to be able to show up there without notice. I do. Take control of the situation. Easy-absolutely not but we make it work. Remember, he is with you because he chose to work on your marriage.

I can't speak for success in reconciliation because I'm at the beginning just like you. However, when my husband offered to quit his job I told him I didn't want him to.

A lot of reasons and yes finances come into it, but mainly, he has been at this job for nearly a decade and she only a year. She was hired to replace someone who was taking a year off and will be back soon. He has lots of friends at work and none anywhere else. And she's not a high performer and he's been approached several times with questions about whether they should keep her on.

I hope that she'll be gone soon. And yes, I'm skeptical about everything my husband says. And yes he tells me every day whether he saw her, spoke to her, what they discussed, and yes it's hard. But it's not like they couldn't get together if they DIDN'T work together so I'm not willing to put us through another upheaval unless I know there is no other way. I'm waiting out the summer and hoping she gets fired. Her boyfriend wants her to move out of town with him, which would suit me just fine. But one day at a time.