SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going to paste 2 walls of text I posted elsewhere on the internet. I am here for some support/insight which I was not really getting elsewhere.

The following was posted early April after I found out.

Sorry for the wall of text...

Sunday evening while walking by my wife in the kitchen I playfully grabbed he IPhone from her back pocket. She whipped around and looked at me with with a look on her face that told me instantly. Something was up. Long story short, I gave a made up reason for needing the code to her phone to make some changes on the account. She gave it to me and I snooped.

I found a text conversation with a name I did not recognize, I opened the text, scrolled up read a few lines that made it obvious what it was. I could not read any further. I began to hyperventilate.. She was putting our 3 kids to bed. I went upstairs and handed he the phone back with the conversation still on the screen. She look at the phone and I stood there for a few moment, she could not look back at me.

I walked back down to my office as to not make a scene in front of the kids. She came downstairs and I asked her what the hell was going on. She basically explained to me that she started talking to an old friend of a friend on Facebook and it turned into sexting and morning (after I had gone to work) phone sex. He is not local so they have not met up (But have talked about it).

I asked he straight forward if she wanted a divorce. She said "I don't know" We talked a little more. I guess it's important to note that though I was visibly upset I was not yelling . I am normally VERY level headed. Typically she is the emotional one. And she was.. After a little more conversation I asked her again. "Do you want a divorce?" And she said "yes".

I fell apart I reacted to emotion in a way I have never done. I had adrenaline going, I could feel my heart beating in my chest. It was a place I had never been before. I grabbed my keys and my gun. This sounds bad but I conceal carry all the time and it's just habit. Told her I would make it easy on her and left. (What I meant was I would just leave, But it was not taken this way. And looking back I understand why)

So she called the Sherriffs office concerned for my safety. I drove maybe a half mile from my house and realized I should not be driving. I stopped in a cemetery (This was around 8:30 at night) drove to the back and parked. I sat there for about an hour to collect myself. I decided that I should go to my parents house (only about 3-4 miles away) as they are south for the winter and I can just sleep at there house for the night.

As I turned down there street I noticed a car pulling in behind me (dead end street so usually no traffic). As it turns out my wife had called a friend of hers to come over and her and her husband showed up and he went looking for me. (My wife had seen me parked with the find my iphone app). I puled into my parents driveway got out of the vehicle as did the husband of my wifes friend and he asked me if I was ok. I told him I was. I went for the front door and he followed. As I unlocked and went in he asked if we could talk. I told him I didn't want to talk. I shut the door and locked it. Headed upstairs and could hear the knocking and doorbell being rung behind me.

About 10 minutes later I am laying there in the bed staring at the ceiling and I can see a flashlight being shined on the windows. And then my phone rings. It was the friends husband. I answered asking what he wanted. He told me my wife was concerned for my safety and had called the authorities and the local PD was outside for a wellness check. I had calmed down plenty at this point and told him I will be down. I opened the door to find 4 police cars waiting for me (sleepy little town only has 2 on duty at any given time but it happened to be shift change) . The officer who spoke to me knows me from some past run-ins. Nothing illegal and no bad blood. He asked where my gun was I told him it was on my hip. He asked if we could talk for a moment. I told him yes. We spoke for a few minutes he was cool and basically said they had to come. I assured them I had no plans to hurt myself or anyone else. They were happy and left.

I went back to bed. I laid there for probably 30 minutes mind going 100 mph. No way I was going to sleep. I had texted back and fourth with my wife. Thanked her for calling the police, she explained it was out of worry. I wasn't really mad.. Just embarrassed.. She told me she still loved me and did not want a divorce. I decided to go for a drive as sleep was not in the cards.

Eventually I realized I was heading home. I texted her and told her I was headed that way.. Did she not want me there. She replied "I want you here". I drove home and found her friend and husband still there. I walked in and greeted them.. Walked to the kitchen to get a drink. We all chatted a little, they left after 20 minutes or so. My wife is apologizing repeatedly (she made a mistake / she still loves me) . We eventually went to bed (about 3:00 AM). She had asked if I would go to counseling with her the next day. (Not something I would normally agree to. But I cannot explain the state of mind I was in. She has seen a counseler on and off over the years. (Currently on))

She got an appointment with someone in the same office but not her normal person. As they were booked up. She kind of went over what happened, what she had done. It was a fairly short term thing, 2-3 weeks. No actual contact (he lives in another state).

I understand counseling as something that helps some people. Though it has never struck me as something I would benefit from. Though I realize I don't know it all. I was there for her, and I told her and the counselor that. No offense intended. She recommended marriage counseling and we have an appt scheduled next week. We are Christians and this counseling center is faith based. They recommended some reading of particular scripture together and praying together. And I recognize this as a good thing. But not a fix all be all. I was asked during that session if I could forgive her. My response was "not today".

As I mentioned in the wall of text above. I have reacted to this in a way that I have never experienced before. I was physically sick to the point of vomiting. I told her I am having a hard time with this. Yesterday I had a few meetings and other obligations ot attend to. But my time at home consisted with her and I sitting in the same room not really saying anything. She wants to say she's sorry in a way that I will accept. And I don't know how that is.

I told her last night before bed. "I am not saying I don't/won't forgive you. But I am not saying I forgive you." We both cried and eventually went to sleep. I am back at work today. (had just happened to have taken Monday off)

Something had seemed off recently. Lack of sex, almost seemed ot be avoiding it. Though she had in the past month or so had surgery to repair a hernia. So I just chalked it up to being tender from tat still. I did ask her point blank one evening last week. "Are we ok?" and she told me we were... That hurts..

I guess I don't really have any direct questions. Maybe just looking for advice/insight. I felt/feel broken. I think I needed to type this out maybe... I don't know... Also, this is the second time something like this happened. 6 years ago something very similar happened and she came to me with it (with the advice from her counselor). It was hard, but easier than finding it for myself it seems...

Then about 2 months later (Early June) I followed up with this

So after about 2 months of us going through some marriage counseling and her going through counseling of her own. We had a similar incident of me grabbing her phone and she reacted. I looked at her and she immediately confessed that she had been chatting with guys on KIK. I fell apart. This was 2 months into counseling. She has shattered my trust and devastated me emotionally. She was immediately remorseful though I was having none of it. She wanted to go to a counselor ASAP for the crisis and I agreed. Some part of me wanted to see her outed in front of the counselor. But I still lover her very much (I never stopped) .

It's a long drawn out story of half truths, but over the course of the next week I came to find out she had met up with 2 X's about 6 months ago. Had sex with one on 2 occasions and fooled around with the other but did not have the opportunity to do anything with the other. She admits that it could have happened. Also the sexing was with about 6 anonymous guys on kik... Not just the one I found originally... I have gotten to the point and basically told her if I find out 1 more thing... there is no coming back from this. And if she had any hope of recovering our marriage (Which she insists she wants to do) I had to have full disclosure. And even then.. I wasn't sure.. That's when she told me about the X's. Our next visit to a counselor was the one she had been seeing on her own. (Not the marriage counselor). My wife spilled it, I was there partly because I felt she needed held accountable as she had not told this to the counselor up until now. After hearing all of this and another visit with the counselor to make a diagnosis she has been "diagnosed" with a sex addiction. Much of it started with viewing pornography (habitually, not just your run of the mill viewing) and some relationships she had in the past. She insists and the counselor seems to agree that this is a problem she has. Not a problem in reaction to something I have or have not done. Though it has destroyed our marriage.

I have absolutely no trust in her right now. And I question EVERYTHING. The counselor suggested for the short term at least to put some Parental controls on her electronics. (I know this sounds bad) My wife insists she is willing to do everything including getting a dumb phone and giving up her tablet/PC. We are using an application called Covenant eyes to monitor her browsing. More of an accountability for her to be aware that I will be able to see what she might be trying to view. She has a close friend she has disclosed this to in order to be an accountability partner. We both agree that for the next month - few months we both need to make a decision. I need to decide weather I am willing to stay in this marriage. And she needs to decide weather she is willing to fix her problem with treatment and work on the marriage. At this point she is adamant that this is what she wants. I believe I want to fix the marriage as well (Contrary to how I would view a situation like mine from the outside looking in) But I am open to a cooling off period and making sure that this is something that I will eventually be able to forgive.

I have done some reading, but outside of that not real familiar with addiction at all. Much less "Sex Addiction". I guess I am looking for some advice for anyone who may have dealt with a situation like this. Most of my reading seems to indicate that the roles are typically reversed as the man being the one with the "Sexual addiction" Perhaps the outcome of someone story when experiencing something similar...

As mentioned above I cannot trust her and am therefore apprehensive to start the healing process. For fear of getting another kick in the face. We have both been very kind to each other throughout this. Stable for the kids and what not. If I am to believe her she is genuinely remorseful and has no "reason" for doing it. As it was not a response to a problem between us. Talking with counselors it may have been some twisted way to self medicate her depression. She has never been good about keeping up with her depression medication. Not that she doesn't want to or refuses to. Just sleeps in and is always in a rush. For the time being she is getting up when I wake in the morning and taking her meds. We sit and chat for a bit before I head off to work. We have a lot of counseling in our future, I hope to get through his. But I will need to get to a point that I believe I will be able to rust her again someday. And forgive her.

((Notrust4her))

I'm so sorry you're here.

First of all, you should read the 'Partners of Sex Addicts' thread in the "I Can Relate' forum. There are a lot of people there who understand exactly what this is like.

You need to give yourself more time. This is so fresh and your emotions are so raw. You need to give yourself permission to not make any decisions until you can think clearly. And that might be a long time. I'm personally 15 months out from discovering my husband's sex addiction and I'm still not sure if I plan to reconcile or divorce.

And, yes, monitor her phone. It doesn't sound bad, it sounds necessary. You don't need to trust her. In fact, you shouldn't. She has shown herself to be untrustworthy. She needs to demonstrate to you on a daily basis that she is committed to recovery. That means attending a 12-step as well as counseling. It means discovering her 'why'. As in, what led her to this addict behavior and what plans does she have in place for when the need strikes again, because it will. I don't think much will come of marriage counseling until she addresses this. You can't work with an active addict.

Take care of yourself, and let her take care of her. You can't fix this for her, but I have hope that it can be fixed (SAA meetings have done wonders for my husband). She is deeply damaged, and this won't be quick or easy. But no matter what happens, you will be ok. It may not feel like it, but I promise you will.

edited to add: May I ask what meds she is on?

[This message edited by redfury at 7:17 PM, July 3rd (Monday)]

I took a look at your other posts. You seem rather adamant about avoiding divorce. There's a a saying around here though... "sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it". What that means essentially is that YOU put the boundaries in place and if your WS doesn't live up to those boundaries, you divorce her with alacrity.

Bear in mind that you're giving up your opportunity to find a more trustworthy partner and that you'll most likely always have to monitor this woman as if you were a parent rather than a partner. We have a thread in the divorce/separation section which deals with fear vs. reality. You might want to take a look at it. We've also got a thread in the "I Can Relate" section dealing with sex addiction.

Only a qualified CSAT can really diagnose sex addiction, and one of your boundaries should be that she stay in treatment with one. I understand that you've had some trouble finding one who treats females, but it's worth continuing to search. Oftentimes with females there's an element of "love addiction" and the need for external validation. Pinning down and resolving the cause for those "needs" is paramount. Your WW has been in therapy for some time now, correct? If she's not making progress, perhaps a new set of eyes might be in order.

I would take her up on her offer to forego electronic tech. Get her a flip-phone and password protect the internet access or get it completely out of your house. The kids can do homework at the library where porn is typically blocked. If not that, then VERY stringent internet controls.

She should get STD screening periodically and you should really consider doing a polygraph to make sure you have ALL the truth... questions to include such gems as "do you love your husband?" so you know where you actually stand.

Do see an attorney and have an exit strategy in case she becomes non-compliant.

It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and your WW's case is rather florid. It's going to feel like jail and you're going to feel like a warden for quite some time, I'm sorry to say.

It CAN be done though. But it really does take both partners working hard to get there.

Sorry you had to join our club. It's a good place to be though when you're wrestling with so much heartache.

Strength to you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

.

Nothing really prepares you for this sort of devastation and pain. it is nothing short of traumatic. I have also been physically affected and have 3 kids hanging in the balance. It is heart wrenching and so much pressure because my H is remorseful and wants another chance. I think the ugly truth coming to light was a huge wake up call. Staring your ugly sin in the face and facing the devastation you have done. Sin can't live in the light.

What is reality? What have i been living? Who am I married to? Do I do what feels impossible or break the family apart? I'm crushed but I have 3 kids to take care of at the same time. I am 41 years old and honestly never thought I was a person that would need counseling. I even had a bad attitude toward it as maybe weak To be honest. I am now in IC and MC. It has helped but I haven't forgiven either. There is just sooooooo much to forgive. So much to work through. It has to be authentic and it takes a long time I work through it all I am living one day at a time right now. I am trying to let the Lord just lead me and calm the storm. Easier said than done some days

My H is not trustworthy. He will have to earn back the trust I freely gave (if possible). I have no idea how long that will take or if he will do that work long term.

I do believe in the Lord of restoration but this is a hard daily battle and roller coaster. My heart is shattered into a million pieces.

You have found a place where some people will understand. 16 years and 3 kids the shock is something you just can't explain to others.

Your W is a broken person. Broken people break people. I hope you find some supportn here that will help you.

maybe she needs consequences and the D would give that to her.

Did she give you stds from her affairs?

she did have affairs. more than one.

She probably did not use protection.

So she should get tested.

And you should too.

But sometimes a wake up call is needed.

if she realizes that her actions lead to D, then she might be motivated to change from her addiction.

She is an addict.

Remember that.

If she truly is an addict, then like most addicts, she will have to hit rock bottom before she gets better. Has she really hit rock bottom? For most people that includes consequences like a divorce, lost job, lost friendships, physical/health issues related to the addiction.

Form what you have posted I do not see any consequences for her behaviour.

Have there been any?

Sounds like good steps towards possible reconciliation--full disclosure, no privacy between you in the future. She's admitting an issue that she has trouble controlling and asking for help.

You will never be able to remove every source of temptation. You can reduce them, but in modern life there is no escape. She has to find the why and resolve it, or it will come back.

It takes a while to be able to forgive this, and it I'll still eat at you for a while. Find a good MC and IC. This is horrible, and it will be for a while.

If you decide to forgive and try to keep the marriage, it's time to reframe. Your first marriage is over and gone. You can't have it back. Looking forward, what will you accept in the next marriage, and if you choose that to be rebuilding on the ashes of this one, what conditions must she fulfill to make it possible to rebuild your trust? It's a risk, a second betrayal hurts worse than the first. You have to decide if you're up for it.

Sex addiction is bullshit. Everybody has something these days. Addicted to having sex with everybody but you? She is with a man that she is not passionate about and in a life she doesn't really want. Those the reasons for her mental problems. She's bored to her soul. You needed to rip the world out from under her to wake her up. She is cheating on you while ignoring you sexually because she is simply following her attraction... not because addiction or depression. You gloss over the fact that she told you to your face that she wants a divorce. Only to take it back after she got scared and felt bad and her friends probably got in her head. I don't know man I'd be gone... your bending over to save something that isn't real. I know this is harsh but I think hitting you with some cold hard truth is needed right now.

If you choose to stay with her (and I don't mean to stay as in remain in the M, but as stay to see if you want R or D), can post-nup be signed between you two? One that leaves her completely empty handed in case you divorce because of repeated infidelity?

Ah, forgot to add. Dumb phones are cheaters good friends. You cannot run Dr. Fone on them. My WW currently uses dumb phone to communicate with AP#3.

At this point I am in a holding pattern. My concern is for the kids, and their home-life. But I am also looking out for myself and self preservation. As mentioned previously, if I bail now I will always wonder what could have been. This doesn't really feel like a second occurrence of what happened in April. It feels like I finally got the whole truth. (I think). We are actively in MC and both in IC as well. I need some explanations for things that her responses have been "I don't know" to. I am in IT for a living some tech surveillance is not something that is difficult for me to implement. It just makes me uneasy that I have to.

Basically the counselor said, for now that is what I need. And she has no reason not to accept it if she is being truthful. And she has had no objection up to this point.

I have never heard of a post-nup it is something I will try to read up on. I think it would give me some security and allow me to be a little more at ease during this period.

As I said thus far she has not pinned any of this on me, and is nothing but apologies. I hope through the counselor we can get some more of the why. Or more specifically why spite me sex while seeking it elsewhere. That is the part I am having the most trouble with. The quick answer from the counselor as a possibility was not being able/willing to maintain our healthy relationship. While also pursuing the unhealthy relationship. When I ask about why she gave me her initial reasons for seeking someone else out (all petty stuff) she tells me that none of that is a "reason" but it was all she could come up with in her head while trying to shift blame at the time. This explains that a little better to me. But I still question why a heroin addict would abandoned their normal dealer and seek out other dealers.... The logic tells me an addict would get it anywhere they could. Though she says part of what she things she was drawn to was the "forbidden" aspect... Well, there is a reason it's forbidden...

Thank you all for the insight, please keep it coming. I will look into a few of the other threads mentioned here.

After hearing all of this and another visit with the counselor to make a diagnosis she has been "diagnosed" with a sex addiction.

Yet another therapist making a 'diagnosis' they AREN'T QUALIFIED TO MAKE.

I see even YOU put the word diagnosis in quotes.

Unless this therapist is a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) they are NOT qualified to make this diagnosis. The irresponsibility of these so-called 'professionals' nowadays is exactly why I never recommend to anyone to go to these quacks.

BrandNewWhammy hit it RIGHT on the nose. She's a supposed 'sex addict' who wants sex with everyone BUT you, is that what you're supposed to believe?

You caught her in shady behavior 6 years ago and here you are again, back in the same boat. That would lead just about anyone to believe that in the last 6 years, there's probably been a lot more going on that you didn't catch her doing. We don't catch them EVERY single time they cheat. That's naive thinking at best.

Either take her to an actual CSAT for evaluation (she doesn't sound like a sex addict at all - just an attention-seeking bored housewife whose a serial cheater) or find a therapist who actually knows what they're doing.

If I were you, I wouldn't move one step farther until she's taken a polygraph test. I'm willing to bet there's still a whole lot more you don't know about.

I am so sorry you are here. What a mind job . I agree with others in that you have to get a proper diagnosis from a qualified person otherwise you could be wasting time barking up the wrong tree. That would be the worse case scenario.

You can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth at this point. She is a proven liar and cheater. You need to verify everything she says and utilize your IT background to verify she is not pulling the wool over your eyes. Remember being apologetic is not the same as remorseful.

Remember none of this is your fault and you can't fix her , only she can. You are not her white night, you are the wounded betrayed in this whole mess. You are hurting and she is the one who needs to help you heal and rebuild trust. What is she doing to become a safe partner for you?

I guess I do need to clarify something. The counselor did not "diagnose" her as a sex addict. She stated that based on her actions short term jumping from one "relationship" to another. That she believe it to be a possibility. If what I/we have been told is the truth, this all took place in a 6 month time frame.(which fits evidence I ave gathered) And that there was a process to make an actual diagnosis. This will be part of her continued therapy...

I have asked her about taking a polygraph, she has agreed. I am looking to see how feasible that is in my area. This did bring out a couple truths that I had questioned and re-questioned. Not really a surprise to me. But the thought of the polygraph was enough to make her relent. Minor details in the scheme of things....

I have also scheduled to have lab tests done tomorrow for STD's. As has she on Friday.

It's a little awkward as her father is a/my physician, and I asked him to order the tests for me. She went through her OB.

He is in the know on what is happening/happened expressed to my wife that she is his daughter and he loves her no matter what. But that she needed to tell me everything. This destroyed her as she has always been daddy's little girl.

Also, it appears Ohio does not recognize a "post-nup". So that appears to be moot.

She is still accepting all of the responsibility for what she has done. She believes her depression plays a role. And has visited the forums for WS. And is able to relate to a lot of what has been spoken there. But claims none of it as an excuse or an acceptable reason. She is trying through therapy, and a couple of books to understand the why. But currently, she does not know. She believes that poor self image and the need for the attention plays a role. But again, she is still exploring this.

I took a half day off work today as I was useless there anyways. We have a family vacation planned for the last week of July. I hate to cancel it as the kids are so excited. And we are not fighting/arguing in anyway. I ask questions , she answers. So the plan is to continue with this vacation.

I think, all things considered, you're doing OK. Exposure to her father helps with accountability on her end. STD testing is just smart as she has had trysts with multiple other men and who knows what she may have gotten. Monitoring her will eventually get tiresome and if anything she will just get better at covering her tracks, so there's really only so much you can do there.

I think many people would think that a second revelation only two months after being caught last time (on top of the indiscretion(s) from way back) would be enough to warrant calling it quits. And it does read a little like you're willing to keep on finding new things and move on with virtually no consequences for her. But you said that the latest revelation was more like you're finally getting the truth. Maybe think about sitting down and explaining that this isn't a second or third chance...it's a last chance. And not a guarantee that you'll stay even if she is 100% faithful and forthright going forward, but rather an honest attempt on your part to try. Given what you've already been through, it would be unwise to act as if you are trying against all costs to save the marriage. Of course you don't want to upheave your family, but if the alternative is living a lie she should think that there is a very real possibility of losing this marriage.

I'm also of the opinion that a "diagnosis" of sex addiction is bullshit. On the one hand it kind of absolves her of wrongdoing and is more than a bit of handwavy, devil-made-me-do-it explanation, and on the other it's basically saying nothing she or you can do could possibly prevent her from succumbing to the inherent weakness in her. Better to investigate her depression, poor self-image, lack of boundaries and healthy coping mechanisms, need for external validation, and possibly skewed view of what marriage is. I would be very skeptical of any promise that she wouldn't do this ever again, since that's what marriage is supposed to be in the first place, and because you have proof and experience that she is very capable of doing this even after being caught.

I don't even know if there's any kind of incremental consequence should she falter again beyond divorce. How many chances can you really give someone?

Good luck and be good to yourself. Keep lines of communications open and stay strong for your kids.

[This message edited by mouthkeptshut at 8:55 PM, July 5th (Wednesday)]

Gently, but this is one of the realities of being married to a serial cheater, you need to paternity test your children.

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:20 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

So, pending results of a polygraph that could happen. She assures me that there is no possibility of that as this all happened in the past 6 months. (To note, only 2 of these are "mine" as 1 is my stepdaughter). I don't have an inkling that either are not mine. But don't dismiss the idea.

My first thoughts on the idea of reaching out to the OM spouse was I would not do something like that. Then the more I think about the deciet I have endured. I am tempted to do so. My thought is to make it a phone call, with the facts that I am aware of . In a calm kind manner. I just feel I would want to know if the tables were turned. What are the general thoughts on this?

Absolutely do this. I did it and wished I had done it sooner. The OBS does have the right to know. Think of how you would feel if the OBS knew and never told you . That would be an awful feeling . Not to mention it may give you an opportunity to learn more of the truth and there would be 2 sets of eyes watching the situation. Its a good way to kill the affair from starting back up.

Not sure if others might have mentioned a postnup. Heard of it?