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We've been apart for 3 months, and the divorce final just over two years. The last few weeks I had emotionally distanced myself from him. I still miss him and have strong feelings for him. He lives four hours away, and I'm just starting to really come to terms with my feelings. The anger, and the "meh" feeling I had been feeling is starting to lift. There is still this sadness.

My ex has been doing really good keeping contact kid's related. But last night he sent me a long Facebook message, telling me that he missed me. That he was so sorry for everything he did to me and wants to try again and the divorce was a mistake, as long with some other things. It wasn't as "me,me,me" as I'm paraphrasing here.

It kind of brought up some strong emotions. All day today I have been feeling angry that he did this to our family, sad that a part of me is considering it and a part of me is repulsed by the idea. I never responded to him. But I want too, but I won't.

What do you want? Do You want the divorce to stand. Or do you want to patch things up?

I'm conflicted. When he got this job opportunity, I really didn't want to move with him. The relief of being off the fence has been great. I think at this point I'm just trying to emotionally get to a place where my thinking is clear and logically instead of strictly emotional. A part of me does miss him, and I do love him, but there is still so much emptiness and disgust. I can say I can't make that choice right now.

There's no rush, Broken. Sit on this as long as you like.

He wrote you a long message. What ACTIONS has he taken to indicate that things would be different a second time around?

You don't have to decide anything right this second. And I think it would be a good idea that if/when you DO make a decision, that your strong emotions have calmed.

Sending strength.

((((Broken2012))))

I don't like the whole "I want you back" in a message thing. If he is serious, he should be calling and trying to make arrangements to see you in person. Do you think he might have been drinking or something when he wrote it? I think crickets is his best answer. If he is serious, he will take stronger actions to work things out.

It sounds like you want to focus on your own healing right now. Maybe someday you could consider him as a partner again, but now is not the right time. I'd go with crickets, continue to focus on yourself and if you are interested later, see if he has taken any action to make himself a safe partner.

Divorce is definitely no undoable, but you don't have to undo it NOW. Others are right. He tells you with words what he wants, but what has he SHOWN you with his actions. I know I say that A LOT, but I didn't learn this fact until I was fifty. People show you who they are with their actions, they can talk about what a good person they are all day long, but that means NOTHING, literally, nothing.

I'm going to agree with everyone else mostly. You don't have to DO anything right now.

But I think honest communication isn't going to go wrong if you're strong enough to not let him use it against you. And I'm not saying he would, but I think that's the general fear, right?

I think you can be honest with him and tell him that you would be willing, some day, to possibly reconnect with him. Some day after you have gotten your healing and becoming the person you want to be and see yourself as. But you can tell him that what he did to you still disgusts you and you still have some pretty strong feelings about his failure. This puts the onus on him to put up or shut up. And even if he puts up, you are free to decide whether or not you want to let him come back. You would have to make sure you bullshit detectors are on so that you can see what is an act and what is real.

But you don't HAVE to do anything. You are free to respond with crickets. You are free to let him come back. Or anything in between. I DO think letting him come back right away would be somewhat rash and I'm not advocating that.

But my point is that you have the power to choose. You are free to do whatever you think is best for you.

The old psychological adage says that "The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior."

I'm not sure that's always true, though. A friend of mine had a short-lived affair and he worked diligently on himself for years to find out why he'd betrayed such a truly wonderful and loving wife. He understood his need for external validation and took the steps he needed to demonstrate to her how he had learned from his mistakes. He became transparent, available and remorseful. His own heart was broken by what he did to his wife. Now, they have an incredible relationship.

However, another friend's father left his wife for his secretary. The old cliche. They were divorced for a few years and he came crawling back to his wife. He did everything right. Once they were remarried, he was back to his old ways. Her mother said, "I knew I shouldn't have trusted him." It was just a ruse to get her back because he'd been dumped by the secretary.

Only you know how your WS is. I think a FB message is very telling. It's a tentative, chickenshit act. Why not call? Why not arrange a time to meet? If my XW wanted to R, I would take things very slowly. I would tell her, "The door can be opened but only from your side. And with a lot of effort."

If he truly wants to R, he will put in the effort. And if he asks what that looks like, don't tell him. He needs to figure it out for himself.

He was remorseful. I don't' think there was much more I'd expect out of him honestly. Despite breaking no contact once he has done so much to show me he was sorry. He was never a horrible man even during and directly after the affair.

I think what would be different a second time is a much about me as it is about him. During this whole ordeal, I had learned so much about myself and how there are old issues not related to him that I need to deal with. I feel anger toward him but also a lot of "I'm a hypocrite in a way!" He was there for me as a friend when I was dealing with some issues before we officially got together, and he adopted my daughter when her sperm donor couldn't be bothered.

My relationship with my mother who is angry I couldn't forgive him is still strained. I have been seeing my therapist again monthly for a while now. I believe the real reason our reconciliation failed was that there was so much baggage, so much damage and so much hurt that surfaced. I honestly thought he would be the man that would always be there for me. But that was all a lie. I blamed myself forever giving my heart to another person, to be vulnerable and not thinking with my feelings instead of logically.

I feel relieved that I can finally work through these problems I have, and my ex-husband can work on his own. He is a good man and a good father to our children. But I guess at this time I don't want to get back together and I know I have to tell him how I feel. We may or may never reconcile in the future, but right now is not the time.

Also to add: I don't think he was drunk when he wrote it. His writing was very clean, and very professional (for being an emotional message) which is the way he is when he is sober. We don't talk on the phone very often, and in the last few weeks especially I have became very distant. Even much so that I haven't brought up what to do with our younger DD birthday. We talked about doing it jointly as it was her first birthday.

[This message edited by Broken2012 at 11:49 AM, September 29th (Friday)]

It's important to figure out what you want. It's not just your life or his at stake, but if you have kids, which it sounds like you do, then it's their lives too being impacted by everything. Take some time to process things outside of your now emotions and make a decision that you know will benefit everyone in the long run.

I called him on the phone and as I expected he hadn't been drinking. He apologized for being selfish for springing that on me, but he couldn't keep it inside, how he felt anymore.

We had a long two-hour conversation. I probably said more than I should have but I'll paraphrase it.

He said he loved me and wanted his family back. He wished he could take away all of mine, older daughter's pain and make everything whole again. He thought our divorce would be best on everyone but says he thinks we made a mistake and really wants us to be a family again.

There was some silence before he asked me what I was feeling. I told him that I wasn't in a place to make any decisions and right now I couldn't and didn't want to reconcile. I went on to really explain my feelings, all the baggage, the hurt and issues I was facing. I said I wouldn't 100% say no to possible reconciling in the future but right now it wasn't possible, and we both need this time apart to really heal, and that I need this time to really get to the route of my own issue.

At the end of the conversation he said he understood and thanked me for taking the time to talk to him about it. We did make plans for DD first birthday and agreed to keep our conversations casual, and about our children.