SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

the back story , My wife had an affair with a co-worker she had been friends with for roughly five years . He is 27 I am 47 so ouch .I know where she has to be mentally to want to have sex and that’s what hurts the most . She had to have really loved him to do that plus the constant mind movies that play in my head are torture! I had been struggling with depression and anger on and off throughout our 17 year marriage and admittedly have not been there for her emotionally and really shut her out for most of our marriage. We have two beautiful children that don’t know the extent of what’s happened or happening as we are all still living together . The man she cheated with actually ended things and went back to his wife so I’m dealing with the fact that she didn’t end it and am now dealing with a depressed wife . She says everything has hit her now this the depression. I made the choice early when I found out about 4 months ago that I was going to fight for her . This decision was made when they were still together and we were planning on separating and telling the children . There has been o contact with him for roughly two months and I have for the most part fought back any lashing out to her about the affair. I have been kind, caring, loving and supportive but am starting to become impatient. She has been very depressed and is not working right now so really just staying home being depressed. I did get her to start talking to her therapist so that’s a start. There has yet to be any talk about the future or our future . I am very frustrated and struggling with the fact that when she starts to get better and starts working in a couple weeks that I will be tossed aside again. Like I said I’ve bedn here for her sense the beginning and really want her to get better for her sake and the sake of my kids . This was very out of character for her thus one of reasons I chose to fight . I would lying if I said I was not hoping that all my support and caring paid off by her truly wanting to reconnect. I am really struggling with the lack of movement on her end but also understand depression so I guess I’m looking for advise on how to stay focused or if I should be at all ...

Of course she's has depression her boyfriend just dumped her. You can't fight for her she has to fight for you and the marriage. If you have not told OBS gather up your evidence and give it to her or email it to her, the affair ended because he said so that beign said if he wants more later on he will just get it from your wife at a latter date hence why you tell OBS. Also you need to set consequences for her(what ever you do, do not shield or protect her) inform HR at her work or tell her to quit as of yesterday. Do not beg, cry, grovel.....so forth it will make you look weak.

The pick me dance and trying to nice her back will just lower your status more.

It takes two. Currently you're doing all the work so she doesn't have to do anything except pine for her boyfriend.

Zol,

Sorry for the shit sandwich you are faced with.

Has your wife seen her doctor for the depression in addition to the therapist? Is it real depression or is she just feeling bead bc she was dumped by her younger AP?

WHy has she been off work for the four months? I'd by time, but she has to do the heavy lifting and you need to be working on yourself and your relationship with the kids. Go to the gym, get your finances in order, visit with a lawyer. She may come out of this like a bear in hibernation. When she comes out of her "depression" she just may be grizzly.

Good luck but be prepared for another Pool Boy in your life. And I agree, OBS, Mrs. Pool Boy, needs to know ~ Even if it's over.

Your title is exactly right -- you are doing the Pick Me! dance. Many here have tried the same thing and all end up learning that it doesn't work.

Your wife disrespected you by having the affair then, from the sound of it, by continuing to be in contact with the other man after you found out. Now she is mourning the loss of her boyfriend while she doesn't care about how that continues to would you AND she expects you take care of her and the kids.

You have to realize that you deserve to be treated with love and respect, especially in a marriage. You shouldn't accept anything less. What being "nice" is actually communicating is that you'll tolerate the abuse and your wife is acting accordingly. That is why the affair lingered and why she continues to mistreat you. You can't nice her back into the marriage.

You need to stop tolerating the abuse. You need to accept nothing less than being respected because anything else is toxic and will slowly suck the life out of you. When you are able to make that stand, that is all you can do. Then it is up to your wife whether she is going to do what is needed to save your marriage and family or if she is going to continue to be self-centered and throw it all away.

So she disrespects you.

Falls for another man.

Has sex with him.

Other man dumps her.

She gets to stay home and mope for him.

And you're the one fighting for her?

You already know this is the wrong way. You already know if she goes back to work she'll toss you aside. So what are you fighting for?

Ever think of fighting for yourself?

You say you're doing to much pick me dance in your title, so you know the lingo but still you go ahead and do it, so its a bit confusing.

Zol,

Good thing that you are aware that you are doing the dastardly dance, but what are you doing about it?

What are your plans? D, R, or Limbo? Without a plan, there is no going forward. It would be pointless to ask if you still love her, as it shows that you do in your writing, but does she love you back? At the moment, I think you know the answer is that she does not, as she is still in 'love' with the OM.

A M is between two people working on it. If only one party is working in it, then it is not a M.

You say you're doing to much pick me dance in your title, so you know the lingo but still you go ahead and do it, so its a bit confusing.

Ease up folks...he just posted his story in General, was told he was doing the Dance and was directed here (JFO) for more support.

Some points:

"She had to have really loved him to do that"

No, not really. What she loved was the attention. We describe cheaters as people who have something broken inside of them that causes them to seek external validation (validation from others vs understanding their own self worth) from people in the form of words (you're the greatest!) and they usually trade that for sex. We call it looking for ego kibbles. The broken will do anything to keep the supply of ego kibble coming to them - from the WS AND the AP. They want as much as they can get.

Blaming yourself

Don't. We have a saying: Each party is 50% responsible for the marriage, the cheater is 100% responsible for the affair. What we mean by this is that the marriage may have been complete shit, but a responsible, normal adult brings this up with their partner. If they can't work it out, then they divorce. They don't go have an affair and hide it. Blaming the BS/the marriage for the affair is what we call blameshifting; the WS is trying to shift the blame from them to you. Don't fall for it.

Wife being depressed because "everything has hit her now"

Actually, don't (necessarily) believe that. A lot of times, what we see is regret, not remorse. There is a difference. Regret is feeling bad about themselves; remorse is feeling bad for YOU.

Good of you to get her to a therapist.

Fighting for her/the marriage.

It takes two people to be in a marriage. If only one is committed (fighting for it), it's doomed to fail. And, as you've said, it's the pick me dance. The pick me dance is great for the WS - they get that source of ego kibble coming. Who wouldn't want some one to be constantly pining over them? Tell them they will always be there, support them.

Depression

I get where you are coming from. My ex had bouts of depression (actaully BPII, and NPD/BPD). You want to help them. But then, that sounds like the pick me dance.

The truth is, she may be depressed. But that's not for you to fix. That's for her to fix. If she doesn't want to go to therapy, take her meds, WORK ON HERSELF, then there's nothing you can do. It's the old, lead a horse to water saying. And, you'll figure out soon enough if it's just an excuse - I'm depressed. Can't go to work, take care of the kids...Oh, but it's girls night out!

Yeah, BTDT.

So, the advice on what to do:

1) See a lawyer. You don't have to file for D, but go talk to one to learn about the process, what's involved and what your financial situation would end up looking like. Kids? What would custody look like. Knowledge is power. This is your first step in getting some control over the situation you find yourself in.

2) You're still early in this, and it seems your WW still has her head up her ass and isn't ready to help you heal. OK. Start laying down some ultimatums (and remember - don't make one you won't follow through on).

Examples:

Start seeing a therapist every week. Starting this week.

Get a job with in the next two months. I don't care what kind of job, but something so you aren't sitting at home.

Explain what the consequences would look like: If you don't start with these things, I don't see how we can fix our marriage. These are the little issues, and if they can't be resolved, I don't know how to come back from your affair. You need to start showing me some effort on your part to remain in this marriage.

She needs to start understanding what YOU NEED to stay in this marriage, and start moving towards that. If she doesn't do any of it, what's the point in staying in a marriage you are miserable in?

[This message edited by WornDown at 8:26 AM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

Z,

This is gonna sound a little harsh, but I think you're going about this wrong, based on the years I've been here and stories that come through.

Yes, you are doing the "pick me dance." Stop it!

Being Plan B sucks. If you are not her one and only, you need to reconsider staying married.

I know where she has to be mentally to want to have sex and that’s what hurts the most

Nope. You don't. I know this from experience, my friend. Humping your husband has little to do with screwing your object of limerence.

lim·er·ence

noun

the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

That is a new word that perfect describes the slippery slope of those that fall into the trap of working too closely with someone and becoming involved with their personal lives, without proper boundaries in place. It becomes a separate fantasy like soap opera and feeds the thrill and excitement of someone new giving them the attention and gratification they crave.

She is grieving because of the loss of her new love, not for concern of you and her family. You need to make sure she makes a choice, for your sake mostly.

What signs of remorse, because of her bad judgement, do you see, if any?

If she is still pining for her AP, you should consider kicking her out, or filing for divorce. Yes, you risk her actually leaving, but it forces her to make decision, and that involves facing reality of where she will live, her finances, the effect on her family, and life partner. THAT reality, more time than not, is enough to make her realize what she is risking, and what she is about to lose.

If she wants to leave, then perhaps it's for the better you find out now, instead of later.

Being "nice" only reinforces the idea that she has a safety net on which on fall back on if the A doesn't end up in her version of paradise.

Make sure she understands that she DOESN'T have a safety net. It makes the risk of walking that tightrope a lot more serious.

Only then will she willing to receive the IC she needs, and you can consider reconciliation, if you wish. Don't make that decision until she is willing to put in the work.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:56 PM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

I hate that term 'fight for your marriage'. if you have to 'fight for your marriage' due to your spouses infidelity, then it's not worth it.

You have too much self blame, you play the pick me dance and she's not showing much in the way of making an effort.

She is depressed because her boyfriend dumped her.

In my opinion, depending on the age of the kids, I think you know which is the best way to heal and it's not by doing what you are doing.

Wish I had found this site sooner . Thank you all for your insight as harsh as some of it may be it all makes sense! For those who are asking if his wife knows well she does and he is currently back with her working on things ..the irony. His wife had actually accidentally sent all the emails/texts of evidence to my dad who I share the same name with and OMG what a shit storm that caused as if you could imagine lol. To honest Inreally don’t know if her depression is over him dumping her I just know I’ve seen her like this before and she literally shuts down . Her restaurant opens in a couple weeks after remolding so at least she will have to get up and out and knowing her this will help her get out of her depression. All in all this site with all your insight has given me new found strength to do what needs to be done . I originally was going to give her until Christmas to start helping herself and show she wants to work on this but I know I can’t keep doing what I’m doing . I also had the kids in mind and didn’t want this to all come down around the holidays . If you have kids you would understand my thinking as they are more important than anything either of us are going through . I also told her she has to start seeing her therapist which she has thankfully . She doesn’t talk to many if any of her friends because she shut them out also plus I’m assuming she doesn’t want to hear any truth from her real friends. It’s alsways black and white until your in it yourself right? Thus the reason I am glad I found this site !

So, she's just betrayed and devastated you and you're worried about her depression.

To hell with her depression. She should be worried about saving her marriage instead of pining for her boyfriend; and you should be worried that you're making every mistake a BS can make. Where's your anger?

It's not too late. Have a sit down talk with her. Tell her you've reconsidered things and now realize that you can't R with a non-remorseful wife. Tell her you'll be starting the divorce process. If she wants to save her marriage she has one opportunity to earn that chance before it becomes final. Then you tell her what you expect from her.

If she doesn't agree to commit to the marriage 100%, accept consequences, become totally transparent, own what she did, and demonstrate that she is genuinely remorseful - your decision will be an easy one.

Whether she completely turns around or not, continue with the divorce and make your final decision in the coming weeks or months based on her actions and your capacity to forgive her.

You can correct the mistakes you've made, but the time is now.

I also wanted to add that one of children is homeschooled which obviously makes things a bit difficult when it comes to kicking her out . She has to be here everyday while I’m at work .when she starts work again she will be working a few evenings a week so as you can see kicking her out wouldn’t send much of a message because she would be here more than I am anyway . So I leave ? Doesn’t seem right

I also wanted to add that one of children is homeschooled which obviously makes things a bit difficult when it comes to kicking her out . She has to be here everyday while I’m at work .when she starts work again she will be working a few evenings a week so as you can see kicking her out wouldn’t send much of a message because she would be here more than I am anyway . So I leave ? Doesn’t seem right

You can't legally kick her out of the home and you don't need to. You certainly shouldn't leave.

I would however, implement the 180, kick her out of your bedroom and stop having sex with her (if you are). Remember, she has to earn her second chance and that includes the privilege of sleeping with you.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:45 AM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

You can't legally kick her out of the home and you don't need to. You certainly shouldn't leave.

I would however, implement the 180, kick her out of your bedroom and stop having sex with her (if you are). Remember, she has to earn her second chance and that includes the privilege of sleeping with you.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:45 AM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

Thanks Badmemory for your comments ! Ya I’ve obviously failed miserably at the 180 but it’s not to late to implement . No we are not having sex , I forgot what that feels like actually . And she is not sharing the bed with me .

Why is she in the bed.? She should be sleeping on the couch..

She needs consequences for her crappy betrayal of the marriage , this is still the pick me dance!

Tell her to take the couch..

CDB

[This message edited by Charliedeltabrav at 12:54 PM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

@worndown

Wasn't harsh or rough in the slightest, just a simple question.

His wife had actually accidentally sent all the emails/texts of evidence to my dad who I share the same name with and OMG what a shit storm that caused as if you could imagine lol.

Well,....oops? Did you find out, or did OM wife tell you?

Why is she in the bed.? She should be sleeping on the couch..

She needs consequences for her crappy betrayal of the marriage , this is still the pick me dance!

Tell her to take the couch..

She’s not in my bed and won’t be for a long time if even at all .

Well,....oops? Did you find out, or did OM wife tell you?

I had found out before his wife decided to email my father with all the evidence. I wasn’t planning on letting my father know the details for a number of reasons that I won’t go into . That’s for another help site lol.