SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New to this forum.

I feel stupid. And I am NOT a stupid person.

First husband left me 12 years into the marriage when I was 35 for the other woman, half my age, half my weight( I'm tall, she was 5 feet maybe) , and half my IQ. So I've metaphorically been here before. I hung in then for about 6 months after SHE called me to tell me he didn't love me, to try to get him to move on to her. It worked as he had NOT wanted to leave and had not wanted me to find out. He was upset with her, I was FURIOUS, we tried counselling... and he left because I "couldn't get over it" according to him. Well, neither could he, and he lived happily ever after with his child bride.

H#2 was my third 1st date after first divorce, he was tremendous helping me get back on my feet, and for 20 years we were doing fine.Well, ok. No sex for the last 10 years, his choice, couldn't get erections, couldn't take the drugs, and was never a huge kiss type ( and, frankly, he was grossed out giving oral, so that didn't happen) ... but otherwise a dynamic duo, best friends, close companions, peers, etc. Outside the marriage good stuff with both families, old friends, new friends, business functions, interesting lives, all good.

All of which I don't want to lose. I'd get his (adult) kids if we split, which is a weirdly satisfying thing. They were all under 10 and had been through his horrid divorce when I met him, lots of trauma there from two combative destructive adults who married late and should have known better.

So, back to me. Until now, NO Sex and lack of physical affection my only complaint, and last year he joined me without grumbling for marital counselling to see whether that could be improved.

No, it couldn't. H is a real alpha, captain of industry. His way or the highway. When I needed to borrow that strength, it was a bonus in the marriage. He's been a champ with my (Alzheimer's ) mother, age 83, and I told my oldest girlfriend who lives far away and with whom husband and I have no other mutual friends . She says, "he;s always there for you."

She's also a PhD in Clinical Psych, and between my tears has gently explored whether I would be happier leaving. As she puts it, "you're ONLY 60!" And H and I have gone to three weddings this summer among our friends, average age of the brides 64. Love can come at any time? Maybe I should start again? YUCK.

Two weeks ago after we hosted a great dinner party and I'm finishing up in the kitchen, I hear him upstairs and a bit tipsy ( hence his STUPIDITY)when I turn off the tap, murmuring "I love you too" into his cell.

I tiptoe up and walk in, he stops, and I can hear the woman's voice on the other end.

NOW I know that the $1,000 charge at Tiffany's, yes THAT Tiffany's, wasn't " credit card fraud." I don't see the bills, so no clue what else he's bought. (Tiffany's emailed the receipt and I saw it on his screen... while he was sitting next to me in the kitchen! ) But, the cash isn't really the issue.

It's the betrayal. The lies. I don't know how many years; I don't know how many women. I DO know that he is still seeing someone, that he wants us to stay together, and that he doesn't want to give up anything. And doesn't want to discuss it.

I know there is nothing wrong with me. I'm 60, sure, but in fair shape and no different than the woman he married. Just 20 years older.

Odds that the other(s) are 60 or older?

Meanwhile, I'm holding my fire and thinking. Thinking hard. And , knowing as I do his sex issues after joint visits with urologist, cardiologist, and six months in counselling, I KNOW the other woman or women aren't getting any of that. So it's emotional. And he's a white knight, rescuer type( with intimacy avoidance issues, too, it's complicated...). I have no doubt he's out there being a hero.

And possibly proving something to compensate for his lack

of potency, using his fabulous personality, wisdom, maturity, and credit cards.

Thanks to anyone who's reading. I feel better just writing it out. And it reinforces my current position of letting the anger and hurt cool before making any decisions.

About half the men we know have had or are having extra-marital affairs. THAT WE KNOW OF. ( And that he has always tsk-tsked as inappropriate unfortunate things, the damned hypocrite.) It's not unusual, unfortunately, and it's amazing how indiscreet people are.

Hillary stayed with Bill, and in our world we know several charming scoundrels whose long-suffering wives have stayed.

I guess I'm answering my own questions. But it still hurts like hell.

Hi Cassowary, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I can tell by your post that you are a very intelligent woman. I can also tell that you are in pain. For that I am sorry. We have all been there. It does get better with time.

Have you confronted your husband? Has he confessed? What do you want at this point? I am guessing that you do no approve. But do you want to stay married? Or is this a deal breaker for you?

Hillary stayed with Bill

#sonotthegoal

I know you are hurting but please don't be so quick to accept his cheating as "okay"

Don't you want truth and honesty?

Sorry you are here and are hurting.

I stayed too. He was 58 and I 55 when I found out. But I ONLY stayed because he changed, became a person of integrity and did a 180 with regard to his treatment of me.

You deserve better.

Ugh.

I guess there's no fool like an old fool (I can say that because I'm old too). Make no mistake - I mean HIM, not you.

I'm sorry you had to join our club.

I DO know that he is still seeing someone, that he wants us to stay together, and that he doesn't want to give up anything.

Of course he wants to stay together and of course he doesn't want to give up anything.

It's primarily for financial reasons without a doubt. He can't take a financial hit at 69 years old because he doesn't have years and years to rebuild his portfolio like a man of 40 would have. So it's very much financial for him. Secondly, why would he give up having someone who does everything for him, has raised his kids for him, cleans his house, cooks his meals, does his laundry, accepts the fact that he doesn't want sex with her but will have it with others (he's doing something sexual with those ladies, maybe not intercourse, but something) and someone who keeps his life in order?

Why the hell WOULD he give all that up PLUS take a financial hit on top of it, if he can have all of that AND screw around on the side?

It's win/win - for him.

THIS is the crap you've sacrificed 10 years of intimacy for, ignoring your own needs and him not giving a RAT'S ASS about your needs by refusing to engage in any other sexual activity at ALL. Your needs have obviously never been a priority for this selfish, self-serving, self-entitled jerk who thinks he's too damned good to give you oral sex - but I'm willing to bet he liked it just fine when it was you giving it to him.

You don't have to stay just because other desperate women were publicly humiliated by their husband's cheating and they still clung to these assholes like grim death. There obviously was a payoff for them to degrade themselves like that - especially if their loser husband was in a high political place. That's all about a marriage of convenience, not love or loyalty. Unless your husband is a mover and shake in an industry you want to be a part of, then there's no payoff for staying with someone like this at all.

Not.

At.

All.

You can STILL have a fabulous life at 60 years old. You can.

And with someone who actually respects you and puts YOUR needs before his own. Yup, there are actually men out there who do this.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 6:45 AM, October 26th (Thursday)]

It's the betrayal. The lies. I don't know how many years; I don't know how many women. I DO know that he is still seeing someone, that he wants us to stay together, and that he doesn't want to give up anything. And doesn't want to discuss it.

If for no other reasons, this should lead you to show him the door.

(((((cassowary)))))

And possibly proving something to compensate for his lack

of potency, using his fabulous personality, wisdom, maturity, and credit cards.

Take out all the words except "credit cards" - what a stupid fool he is - these women LOVE that he's spending money on them, giving them money...whatever...sex may not be involved. Shit, they're getting free shit from a silly, insecure (even though he tries to act secure - he is not - secure people don't cheat on the people they love), foolish old man.

It's time to take care of cassowary. And that means lacing up the bitch boots, knocking his ass off the fence, and closing the bakery on that cake eating cheater. It's time to see an attorney - it does not mean you have to D - but knowledge is power. Use it.

You have come to the right place - please keep posting and we will help you get through this shitstorm no matter the outcome. You don't have to make any decisions right away with regard to R or D, but again, please get legal counsel so you know your rights.

Sending strength & hugs...

Lala

Consider seeing a lawyer to see your financial position if you divorce. I stayed, but my husband was willing to change. You don’t have to rush into a decision, just explore your options. Read the Healing Library. Also consider telling his kids what he’s up to. His affair might look fine to him while secret, but seen in his children’s eyes, it might look far different.

SISTERHOOD IS POWERFUL!!! ( And a shout out to the BS brothers, too.)

Thank you, all my new siblings, for your caring responses. I'm not comfortable sharing this with my real life friends yet ( or, possibly, ever) so having the supportive ear and wise counsel of

women ( and a few BS men) who have been there , done that, is GREAT. I'm so glad I found this forum.

Yes, I've talked to a lawyer; that was my first call, number one. Good news is that I have tremendous rights in this jurisdiction and H was penniless when we met, so it's all marital ( including my stuff, but fair is fair) and money is not going to be an issue.

I can't see his itemized credit card, but I can see the big picture and the joint assets, which can't go anywhere without me. His overall spending hasn't increased.

I have no doubt that the $$$ factors into HIS calculations, as he computes his (our) after-tax net worth monthly and he'd HATE to see that number reduced by half. Keeping me is a bargain( no jewelry needed, unlike the others) if I suck it up and behave nicely. If I make lots of noise or pissy faces, or wince when he lies outright, it will be my fault of course that he has to leave me rather than look at my sad eyes and know he is the cause. Mirrors can be ugly things, and I'd love to hold a true one up to his face!!! He IS the hero of his own story, and if he can pretend this doesn't hurt me and I don't interfere, he's good to continue.

UGH!

Sandrac, he hasn't "confessed" so much as shrugged and not denied. I have not demanded the whole truth or any details. If I'm going, it doesn't matter, and if I'm staying, it may be better not to know. Staying and having him renounce the behaviour, come clean, go NC ... not happening. Old dog. Old tricks. I'm clearly not important enough to him for him to NOT do whatever he wants in order to keep me, and right now he wants to philander.

My choice is to go or to stay and be nice. Staying and confronting or demanding change? Non-starter.

1Faith-I am real clear that his cheating is NOT "OK" in the grand scheme. Do I want to put up with it? If so, why?

As to truth and honesty, he's pretty honest that he's cheating and doesn't care what I think of it and will not talk about it.

Lionne_ you are right, I DO deserve better. And that is precisely what H#1 said as he breezed out the door. I deserved better than him and he hoped I found it. Alas, I thought I had with H#2. WRONG. H#2 has no intention of changing. Where do I go from here I wonder.

No Mercy, I smiled at your description of what I put in. Have you been watching??? Yes, I am the perfect wife and he cheerfully acknowledges that I have been, nothing lacking. H#1 had the balls to tell me at our divorce signing that he really missed my cooking . Screw you, #1!

But No Mercy, I don't feel humiliated. It's not about me or my shortcomings, and even if we were to trumpet it to all our friends and family, every one of them ( except the men who cheat) would acknowledge that he's an idiot and that I've done nothing wrong. HE gets to wear the red letter, not me. HE should feel humiliated, rather than strutting around feeling like a big man. It's pathetic what he's up to, not something to be proud of.

There's something wrong with our culture, but that's a conversation for another time.

Thatbpguy - I wish it were that simple, i really do. If kicking him out would really make me happy, I'd do it in a minute.

Lalagirl-make that hahagirl! I laughed out loud when you called him a stupid fool. Just what I was thinking! Sometimes I think to myself: stupid old goat. Yes, cake eater indeed, having it and eating it. Let them eat cake, and off with their heads, him AND his girlfriend(s).

Questioningall- you are right that his kids would have LOTS to say to him if he told them. Mostly that he's an idiot. I would never tell them he cheated, even if he left me.( ha! I'd let HIM try to explain it.) The damage to them would be greater than any satisfaction I'd get from it. They are my kids now too, and as is normal in divorce, I want to protect them as best I can. Fact is, he'd LOSE at least one of them , the baby, who asked me 10 years ago " if anything happens to you and daddy, will you still be my mommy?" Heartbreaking. I wonder what the little genius saw then that I COULDN"T SEE?????

SO, everyone, I'm going one day at a time. Y'all have a good one, y'hear?

I feel stupid. And I am NOT a stupid person.

Welcome to the club, honey, the line starts around the corner, and it's pretty long.

Seriously, every single one of us has felt that way. And once you start looking back and seeing all the red flags you miss, you feel ever stupider, ( if that's even a word).

Could stay as a matter of convenience? From a man's point of view, he may think he's getting away with it, for the thrills and excitement I suppose,, ego kibbles. But having a lawyer to beat him about the head and shoulders I would guess would bring him around, once he starts calculating the "costs" involved.

I have a subcontractor that does a lot of work on my construction projects, nice guy that does very well financially. he comes the other day kinda down.

"What's wrong?"

"Wife found out about my girlfriend,....again."

" Holy crap!"

She'll get over it, but I'll have to buy her another Escalade." (a high end Cadillac SUV)

I just shake my head.

Keeping me is a bargain( no jewelry needed, unlike the others)

My point, if you stay, take the jewelry, ( and the Escalade). Make him pay some consequences. If he can do it for her, he can certainly do it for you.

Of course demand full disclosure, full accounting, and no contact, and all the rest, with a warning that you will take him for every drop of blood a pitbull of a lawyer can get of him.

[This message edited by twisted at 3:44 PM, October 26th (Thursday)]

I’ve come late to the discussion, but I just wanted to add that for my fWH the ED was a huge problem that affected his manly ego big time.

I asked him why go to other women and he said because he had erection problems and it wasn’t working with me so he thought it was my fault.

So he tried hookers, nope, couldn’t do it. So he thought an EA might work with all the affection, kissing, cuddling and ‘I love you’s. That improved things but didn’t really do it.

What actually worked was him putting more effort into improving our relationship.

However, five years down the line - no erection problems with me any more but now sex is too much effort. I don’t think he’s cheating again, tbh I think he’s too lazy. And sex isn’t the big issue it was when we were younger.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 5:36 AM, October 27th (Friday)]