SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Revenge Affairs are a huge problem. Because for ME its become his excuse to step out on me AGAIN

Him: cheated several times while dating. I suspected but always took him back. I thought I was so lucky to have him and I also got to a point where I was getting older and didn’t want to have to start from scratch with someone new. I loved him don’t get me wrong. But I put up with it because I felt that once we got married things would change.

Married 13 years ago and got PG right away with son. While Pregnant H was out of control out all the time after work etc. He admitted to me that he had an affair with a coworker during that time bc he was “scared”. He admitted this years and years later after an EA was exposed two years ago. I don’t believe for a second that one affair when I was pregnant with my son was the only one until the EA. But I have NO proof and have to go by what he’s told me.

The EA he had with the wife of a friend is what destroyed me. Mentally, physically and emotionally. They spent a ton of time together, they shared secrets, they had private jokes they told each other they loved each other and they did it all right in front of me. In the privacy of our home I expressed concern about their friendship multiple times. She crossed the line repeatedly with him and he acted as if he didn’t “get it”. I asked for him to stop hanging out with her, he’d hide it. I asked him to read his texts, he refused. If it got physical I don’t know and I have no proof. But I will say that what I was subjected to for 8 months was akin to torture. Both of them were gaslighting me daily. She befriended me and would basically make me feel like I was crazy. He was like a brother to her. She weaseled her way into every aspect of our lives. She got jealous when H was affectionate with me in front of her. I know they were talking shit about me in texts to each other and I asked him to move out. All the while he was protecting her and refusing to cut her out. I knew that I wasn’t his first priority. Not then, not ever. I lost 53 lbs, started running, and decided I was going to love my life no matter what. I knew I would never get from him what I needed, he’d made that crystal clear but I didn’t want to divorce him and mess up my kids. We had just purchased a new house and I knew that divorce would financially ruin us. Not to mention I loved him. Faults and all I was so damaged I assumed that he’d come around.

After a year of working out, taking care of me and not being that feeble little wife, I was out having fun with friends, travelling, doing stuff with my kids, getting my nails done, growing my hair long (husband always said he hated my hair long but I loved it so I would keep it short.. so dumb) I started getting attention from another man. I have already posted about him so I won’t duplicate that. But I will say that I justified my affair because of his affairs.

I found out the other day that when he found out about my RA he had another affair with someone. So this I ask you… when the hell does it stop. BC in my anger I just want to run out and have another RA. But I know that is stupid. IC has helped me realize this. But it’s a thought in my mind. He said “well based on what you did I felt I was owed” YET he makes no mention that I was owed bc of the shit he did to me.

I am sad, hurt, scared and done.

I don’t want to save this marriage. I don’t want this life. You know what he told me when he found out that I had an affair. He said he wanted me to have a threesome with him and another guy and then maybe that would show him that I am willing to do anything to win him back.

I didn’t tell me IC this but I will this week. I kept that hidden you know why.. because I know its totally messed up. I know that I need to run far away from this man. But I am weak.

I am not posting this for sympathy. I know what I did hurt him because I know how much it hurts. One affair does not justify another.

All I want to do is crawl into a hole. I am so embarrassed. He blames me for everything yet he cheated on me when I was pregnant and then just a few years ago and not most recently he says from Aug-Oct.

Thanks for listening

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:18 AM, December 7th (Thursday)]

People don't consider the back and forth thing with cheating. The excuse is always you did it first. Ya'll have a history of this and you have children. Do you want them to be in a relationship with rampant cheating? Is it okay for them? Is it okay for you?

You need to really think about what you want, forget what he does, do you want to be in a relationship where ya'll cheat back and forth endlessly? It's your life and if you're cool with it that's your business. I find it immature and not for me, but that's my opinion and that's how I feel about it. You know what opinions are worth.

We ended up in a tit for tat series of revenge. It nearly destroyed us. If you look over my posts, this is the Readers Digest version: I had the original affair. She got back at me by destroying my business and having the bank put me into personal bankruptcy. I considered us even at that point and wanted reconciliation. Nope, she took another step and had an affair. I was told of the affair, and I went nuclear. It was a guy from work. I went to her office, and assaulted the AP, I got both of them fired on the spot. I then told her mother, and her mother turned her back. By the time we were done, she was penniless, living in an apartment she could not afford. I lived in my Moms basement. We were done. I heard through friends that my nuclear reaction did work. In short, Mom & Dad turned their backs, she was blacklisted in her industry and was denied unemployment as she was dismissed for cause. I showed up at her apt, with cash so that she could live. That started our reconciliation. Revenge at all levels destroys lives. I was an angry arsehole. My revenge was geared to thoroughly destroy her and her world. Had I not awakened to that fact, she would have been homeless.

ending the cycle is the hard part. But make no mistake, you are not equally culpable. He cheated. You acted in kind. If he regretted his decisions he would have accepted your actions as rightful consequences to his. You owed him nothing after he cheated. People here will say an RA is just as bad as the original affair, that everything is justifications. Don’t believe it. You’re decisions are yours, but your soul was corrupted by his original actions. As far as i am concerned. He was the real weak one, and couldn’t accept consequences for his actions. You feel bad for hurting him, because you are empathetic, he couldn’t have given a damn. Im sorry this is hard for you. Please find th strength to move on from him because you deserve better. I know i am not just another “cheater”, because something inside me snapped when my wife cheated. I owed her nothing from them on. Im not “at risk “ of doing it again.. know why? Because i never cheated prior, and haven’t since... it was 8 years ago. There’s a difference in the mindset between someone who believes to be in a monogamous relationship who goes out and cheats, and someone who is betrayed and “Cheats”. I am wishing you well, and the strength to find someone better you deserve.

I don't want the tit for tat in our marriage at all.

I don't excuse what I did. But its like when does the cycle end. He cheated so I did so then he did again and what now. I am stopping the cycle of this.

I don't know what I want. I want to crawl in a hole at the life we have. Our kids don't deserve this

You are correct hugs, your kids do not deserve this.

So what are you going to do about it? You can't change him, only yourself. Stop listening to who he tells you he is - he's shown you he is a serial cheater period.

A lot of stuff comes across as "judgey" but it's human nature to do the same things. If one spouse is doing X and it's negatively impacting the relationship, the other spouse often will do X because the other did it first.

When do you claim your life back for you and your kids? No one else is responsible for your happiness or your health, you are.

Time to get serious. Start a journal with a list of goals you would personally like to accomplish. These goals can be whatever you feel is most pressing, but I can tell you that your marriage should not be on it. It needs to be all about you as a person.

You can't change him, but you can choose to exit the marriage and save your sanity and teach your children when someone mistreats you, that is not to be accepted.

Get through the holidays. A new year is coming and EVERY day you wake up is a chance to make a better life for you and your children.

Smokenfire nailed it

This is easy for an outsider to say and see. But, why the Hell are you still with this man? He treats you how you let him treat you. He is an ass. You saw that you can do things on your own. That you are important. So, go out and do it. Divorce him and live your life for you and your children. Show them that they deserve better than the way you were treated. It ends when you have enough balls "or whatever the females equiv would be" to end it. Good luck. My sister was in an abusive serial cheater relationship and she has broken free and is the happiest I have ever seen her. Your husband has shown no signs of working on himself or changing. You have your answer.