SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been reading through posts on here for some time and taking comfort in the sad fact I am not the only one going through this.

Dday in Oct we had been invited over by my best friend for a meal. At the end of the night I walked in on my husband and friend kissing. as I literally felt like the earth was moving under me.

So what i first found out back in that first week from my Husband was one evening at my home while we were all in bed they had sex in my house. They then progressed to meeting up at every opportunity they could for sex mostly in my house.

I have told my husband we have to separate.

So everything is up in the air.

He has begged for forgiveness and shown remorse, I do believe he is as devastated as me now.

I begged him over an over for the truth. I have been with this women and him many times and to think they were secretly running off for sex was driving me insane. I just needed the facts so I could stop making them up for myself.

I am 2 months down the line and my husband has just sat and said its time to be completey honest and given me all the information about the affair and what it was to him and what he thinks it was to her.

I had almost got my head round all the lies but now knowing he has withheld information before and sworn he was telling me everything just feels like another betrayal. I begged him for the truth at the start and only got half of it.

I am still as sad as the day I found out, I just do not know what to do anymore.

I can't get the thoughts of them out of my head, we all spent so much time together, I have so many memories that I look back on now and see they were playing a game with me the whole time.

[This message edited by Jane2017 at 12:16 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Just know that you are soooooooooooo not alone. We have been there and we hear you and will take good care of you while you are here and sharing. Take care of you. Also, take one small step at a time. It is a lot.... a suuuuuuper lot. Be patient with YOU.

Big hugs!!!

Oh Jane my heart breaks for you. This is so very very painful in so many ways. Keep posting and you will get lots of support.

A few things. There is a special thread in I Can Relate for double betrayals such as yours.

Also, it is very common for waywards to withhold facts early on. Your WH volunteering more information is actually unusual.

Please read in the Healing Library and take care of yourself as much as possible. Reach out to people in real life.

You will get through this.

Hugs to you.

I’m so sorry. There is so much strength and lots of resources here. Take care of the basics right now. Eat and sleep as best as you can. Try to do anything you find fun even if it feels robotic. Journal and read whatever you are drawn to. You will have wild emotions and you have to know it’s ok. It feels crazy like a roller coaster. Prayers.

So sorry to read your story. what an awful double betrayal. Compounded by the hormonal upheaval of miscarriage. You deserve a medal for still being able to string a sentence together. Please know that SI will be here for you day or night. Please also steel yourself for the uncomfortable inevitability that your WS may still be TT and could do so for a long time. What brain fart makes these waywards think TT is protective and helpful. It’s the ABSOLUTELY worst thing about the whole debacle.

You WILL survive this and come out the other side. Please ask for help here and also ask family and friends. Don’t try to go this alone. Those that are real friends and caring family will reveal themselves. Take care of yourself. ((()))

Hi Jane. I am so sorry you had a need to find us. And, I am proud of you for the courage you showed to post here.

You are in the early days and unfortunately he keeps setting the clock back to day 1 for your healing each time he reveals he has been lying. That style of lying about the affair is so common we have a name for it - trickle truth.

For me, the fact that I was lied to again and again was like him repeatedly stabbing me while I was pleading for him to help me. It was awful. Devastating.

Knowledge is your friend. When you are ready please consider visiting an attorney to know the legal ramifications if you decide to pursue divorce. There are state specific details that determine the settlement and it would be of benefit for you to know where you stand. (This doesn't mean you will divorce)

Also, since he is still actively lying he is not a safe partner. Please consider locking down the finances. Require your signature to take out any loans and possibly move savings to a safe account he cannot access.

There are many wise people here that will walk beside you as you figure out how to survive infidelity. Please take what you want from the advice and leave the rest.

You are safe here. Keep this site a private place for you. As I said, he's not taking care of you or the kids yet, and you need a safe place to vent.

I am in a similar situation, but the OW is my cousin and my husband has decided that he wants to be with her instead of me. This is a woman our children know as Auntie and they are now being told she is their stepmom and they have a new brother etc. It's all so sick to me. She was married at the time too.

I'm so sorry you are here; but you are in a good place for advice and support!

It is not uncommon for WS (wayward spouse) to withhold the complete truth. My WH withheld the complete truth for exactly one year to the day of my first dday! (And yes, it does hurt just as bad as the first time around - so what you are feeling is normal!) Then the "real" truth came out. If your WH has really given you all the truth upfront, that is great!

Read in The Healing Library (upper left corner of this site). There is a ton of great information there to help you navigate through this mess - especially in the early stages.

You don't have to make any decisions about your M right now. Take care of YOU and your kids. Read, watch your WH ACTIONS - his actions will tell you who he is and/or who he wants to be.

If you are having thoughts of R (reconciliation), you have to make sure the A is over. NC (no contact) should be established by your WH (with your final approval). You should also visit some lawyers to find out what your rights are (in case this heads to D). Visiting lawyers doesn't mean you have to D; it just gives you some power knowing where you stand financially. That is a great fear for many. If you take away the fear, then you will feel more in control.

Peace and strength to you!

(((Jane2017)))

Please go to the Healing Library (yellow box) and the Tactical Primer (top of this forum) and start to read.

Right now take care of YOU. Get screened for STDS (tell your doctor why) make sure you eat, stay hydrated and get as much sleep as possible. Your WH (wayward husband) has to do the same and YOU need to se the report... because cheater's lie.

Be patient with yourself. It takes a long time to process and then about 2 to 5 years to heal from this. It's an emotional rollercoaster ..so please make sure you take one day at a time and you don't have to make any decisions now.

However, you can't reconcile by yourself. You can't build a new foundation of your marriage by yourself.

What has he actually done to take ownership for his choices, ensure that he never does this again, and to rebuild the marriage and trust?

Has he gone NC (no contact), transparent giving you access to all of his accounts and passwords, accounting for all of his time, answering all of your questions without blame shifting......

And please understand that YOU did nothing to deserve this and his choices are, in no way, a reflection on you or your marriage. He has personal insecurities and a lack of boundaries and lacking in a moral compass .....that have to be faced and dealt with. He needs IC (individual counseling)

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart... It is hard work on both parties and there is no easy fix. Reconciliation is a gift, if and when you are ready to offer it.

It's normal to be scared and confused and angry. Keep posting and keep faith in yourself. One way or another you will get through this.

You aren't alone. That is one of the best parts of finding this place -- knowing you aren't alone in this and having a place to vent, to ask questions and to receive encouragement. While it certainly doesn't feel like it right now, you will survive this.

My wife had an affair with my best friend. Our families did everything together too and our kids were all close. So I really do understand the pain you are in and I'm so sorry.

I am still as sad as the day I found out

You've just experienced another Dday (discovery day). The first was when you discovered the affair. The second was when your husband became fully honest and let out details that had been hidden from you. Every Dday sets you back to the start and makes it more difficult to recover. Let your husband know this -- it is vitally important that if trust is ever to be restored, that this needs to be the last Dday.

Being sad, as grueling awful as it can be, is part of your path to healing. Your "job" right now is to mourn all that you've lost -- the husband you thought you knew, your best friend, the friendship between your families, the betrayal that the kids have suffered, the loss of a child due to the stress and the dreams of the future as you thought it would be. That's a lot. Be patient and kind to yourself. You have every right to experience a whole range of emotions. Being able to post your story here is part of that journey of letting it all out -- venting, crying, asking why, wondering what to do, etc.

It's going to be OK, but for now just allow yourself to let it out. ((Hugs))

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 1:24 PM, December 28th (Thursday)]

I can't get the thoughts of them out of my head

Unfortunately, some of that is "normal". However, some find it harder to shake than others. Given that this was a double betrayal and that it also led to the loss of a child, you might find that the trauma of it all is making it hard to get past some of the thoughts and that they are hampering your ability to heal. You might want to find a therapist (who is skilled with EMDR) to assess whether you might have PTSD and if you are a good candidate for the EMDR treatment as a means to help you deal with the intrusive thoughts.

I can't believe how much it helps to read all these response. Thank you all so much.

Knowing there are people out there that actually understand is so comforting.

I have been to a lawyer, and unfortunately our financial situation is bleak. We had just purchased a very expensive house in July, we used all our savings and there is pretty much no equity there yet.

I rely on his income. Even with spousal and child support I would not have enough to realistically rent/buy another place in the area we are in.

Another bit to my story: We are from Europe, we moved to Canada 5 years ago for his job. We left everything Family, jobs, friends for a fresh start. I have no family here and now no true friends to speak of, to separate here would be incredibly difficult.

I could go back home, but I would be starting again with nothing and uprooting my children once again when they have become so settled and love their life here. (i am not ruling this out just yet)

I just can't believe he did this to us all, we are such a close family and rely on each other completely. I gave him everything when I moved here.

We've got to a point where we talk but I just feel like there is nothing left to say. I have ranted and raved and fallen apart over and over. All he wants to do is "fix this". He is currently looking at some sort of couples therapy retreat. I am just not at the point where I can even consider this. I am still reeling at the things that have been going right in front of me.

Crushed7, I hope I got your username right?! you could not have said it better. I truly appreciate your help. I am going to see my doctor next week to request being referred to a therapist.

Thank you to you all and I am thinking of you all to and the pain you are going through.

All he wants to do is "fix this".

Then he needs to get his head out of his arse and do the work. Google "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," and either buy the book or download the free PDF file. It is a very short read that the wise will read over and over again. Yes, it's meant for the Wayward to read and choose to implement, however the Betrayed can get a whole lot out of it as well. For one thing, it will let you know that 1) everything that you are feeling is absolutely normal. No matter how confused, inside-out, crazy emotions, flipping back and forth, it's all absolutely normal reactions to the trauma that you have experienced, and 2) what remorse looks like vice regret. Remorse is based on what YOU need. Regret is based on him minimizing, evading, and trying to get out with the least amount of damage possible, because, dammit, it wasn't THAT big of a deal, and it was your fault anyway.

This affair is 100% on him. 100%. End of sentence.

I have the same story. it is so painful and and a year out, sorry to say, I am nearly still as raw as i was on DDAY. This is a special kind of pain. They managed to steal my history, present and future. All the memories of my son's life was hanging out with her, her husband and son. Those memories are so tainted and my skin crawls when I think about what was going on right under my nose! The OW hasn't said a single word to me in a year since I found out.

Ugh I have no real words of wisdom because I'm still a mess over it. Hang in there. At least your WH wants to reconcile. Mine gave up and moved out and is still in a r/s with OW. (Her husband also moved out).. Tow divorces are now happening.

Jane,

Welcome to the club no one every wanted to join. I am so sorry you are here and are struggling.

It is a long painful road regardless of what you decide to do.

Allow yourself time to grieve, please find an IC (individual counselor) that specializes in infidelity and focus on you.

There is no quick fix, no "fixing it" over night. TIME. A lot of time, tears and courage.

Keep posting. Many fabulous people here who truly understand and want you to get out of infidelity.

God bless you and your family.

Thank you for all your responses, I am sorry for those of you who are also in this situation.

I belive he has told me the truth now, it was grim and if anything he went into too much detail, but that was probably my fault. I find my self picking at the wound and asking for every little, stupid, intimate detail. He also realizes I have the ability to find out anything the OW admits to her husband, I believe that forced his hand.

It is so hard because I am so angry at the Ow and WH , she manipulated me all through this, I babysat her children tons, I was coerced into doing get togethers. Some arranged by her with my husband then made to look as if it was my idea. I told her all about our relationship, she knew all the weak points, and what my husband found enticing (compliments, lots of them he has a huge ego)It is just all a complete mind fuxk!

As to the situation with WH now, He is begging, pleading, crying etc etc for me to begin working on us in some way. He booked holidays, trips to new york etc (which I won't go on)

He has been to a IC, which he arranged himself. I also went to a session with him but I was too full of hate and sadness at the miscarriage so I didn't have much involvement and didn't find it very productive.

I know there is NC between them now. It stopped the day I walked in on them. Both my WH and OW are fighting for their marriages, and from what I can tell they are distraught at the situation they have found themselves in.I honestly dont even think they liked each other much, it sounds like it was all about the thrill of It doesn't make it hurt less.

I feel pressured into doing something or making some sort of choice. He has tried to make things better and I almost feel guilty for not discussing things with him. He follows me round the house and doesn't give me space, it is driving me insane!! he is constantly asking me if there is any chance of us working on this. I just want space!! I want to try and at least get my head together in some order before I can deal with him. I feel like I don't know him anymore

Jane

I am truly sorry you have had this happen to you. There is a special place in hell for someone who calls you a friend and then goes behind your back with your spouse. Unfortunately your husband did the same to the OBS do not sure he doesn’t belong there as well.

That said, people have come back from something like this. But it takes years of dedicated work from both parties involved. He has to be willing to do whatever it takes to win you back. It won’t be easy for him and most fail miserably at it. The truth is if he’s not a self starter when it comes to true remorse, you can’t make him feel that way. You can’t make him do the work you need.

I would start by sitting down with him at the dining room table and tell him you need him to leave for a month, to start. I know it will be hard. You have no family nearby. Can he go live in the basement of a friend for a while? Maybe move from friend to friend each week Maybe stretch yourself thin financially and rent him a studio for a month. airBNB?

Tell him you need time to process this betrayal and him being there all the time won’t make it happen. Tell him unless he starts listening to you about what YOU NEED instead of what he THINKS you need there will be no coming back from this.

Tell him unless he starts taking his cues from you that you cannot Even start the R process. So he has to leave.

Tell him he needs to slow way down. That this is a MINIMUM 2 year process! And that it’s truthfully longer.

You do not have to make any choice or decision for a long time and only until you are ready.

He made a choice already without you, unilaterally, to essentially end your marriage as you both know it. Now you get an almost unlimited amount of time to process this and decide your way forward. You are going to wait until your mind can fully process what he has done before you make any decision about the future. If he really wants you and this marriage, he will wait as long as it takes.

He just essentially stabbed you multiple times emotionally. If he did that physically would he expect you to be healed in 6 short weeks and forgive him immediately?

Finally tell him that actions are more important than words from him. That you will need him to help with the kids each morning and evening before he goes back to where he is staying. And also if there is any hint of more cheating on his part this marriage will be over immediately.

Jane you have a long road ahead. Take care of your health. Getting your own IC would be beneficial. And remember YOU DONT HAVE TO DECIDE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. You alone are in control of the timeline.