SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

According to Esther Perel there are 3 types of Reconcilers: Sufferers, Rebuilders, Explorers.

Sufferers stay together but never let go of it. They have endless rounds of bitterness, revenge, and self-pity. Rebuilders value commitment and the family they created. They love each other, move past the infidelity but they don't make massive renovations. They care deeply about each other but it doesn't turbo charge the relationship and they settle into a familiar existence. Explorers turn the affair into a catalyst for transformation. It triggers a level of intensity they didn't have before. They say their marriage is better than it ever was.

We are 2 1/2 years into R and I feel like a Builder but wish we were Explorers. Our marriage was really good before. We were very loving, enjoyed each other and had a good sex life. He even said that he wasn't unhappy with our marriage, just with himself. He never wanted to leave me, he just wanted to experience something different that he didn't get to do before we dated. He wanted his cake and eat it too.

His affair woke up a passion in me. I want not to just be loved but to be desired, taken. When we have sex it's passionate and intense but I feel like our everyday life is a familiar road. He tells me all the time what a great mother I am to our kids. At times I feel like I am his mother. (ugh) I know I can't force this or control how he feels about me but I'm ready for a turbo boost in our intensity but I feel like I'm getting a beaten dog who is trying to appease me. There's plenty of love, hugs, physical contact but it's just that feeling....you know when you know someone is really into you?

He is going through a lot of stress right now. Difficult job, studying for his masters, shame for what he did, etc but I wish I could see some joy in him. Joy and celebration that he was able to stay with me, that he didn't lose the love of his life. Even though we are 2 1/2 years in R and he has been doing everything I ask of him I almost feel like I need to send him away so he can feel what it would be like not to have me. Part of me regrets only kicking him out for 6 weeks instead of longer.

Any of you Explorers out there? Did you feel that way right away or did it take years?

You know what I think? You are the colorful parrot and your spouse is the gray parrot.

Do you have a gratitude journal?

I stopped reading after you said Esther Perel. I just wouldn't take advice from her.

Honestly ppl waffle back and forth between all three and I don't think you need to always in one place.

Iwantmyglasses please explain the parrot thing.

I think my wife and I have been in all three of those described phases, started with some bitterness and self pity, part of my decision to stay was based on my value of commitment and loving the family we built together.

After 19-months of this recovery stuff, we are definitely using this tragedy as a catalyst for transformation into something new and vastly different than we have ever had before.

And in our situation, I've been the one holding us back a little until now, but the grief takes as long as it takes in each individual case. I haven't been this hopeful in...a couple decades.

Everyday is now about vigilance for our new world we're building, based on finally being kind and caring all the time -- no one needing to ask or tiptoe around the other. It took a while, but we are getting there.

I think that easter pearl has created categories that are convenient to her own theorems but not actually accurate.

Are there only three types of farts? No.

You can describe farts by smell, loudness, wetness, length, area of impact and several of other ways. Why would there be greater variations in fart types than reconciliation types?

I think the fault in that thinking lies with trying to change your partner into what would make you happy.

I do believe that in a marriage you should have shared goals, dreams, hopes etc.

But he isnt responsible for the "color" in your life. You are. You want passion...be passionate about your life. Thats not his responsibility...just like its not yours to provide him with security.

What excites YOU? What do you want to learn? Explore? Experience? What do want to DARE yourself to acccomplish? conquer? let go of?

I don't believe in Ester Perel's teachings. In this instant...its not real. Your chasing something that can't always exist in real life in a real marriage with real people. You have kids, a household, etc. The "intensity" she speaks of comes in affairs because there is no real world in those situations. You can't be "intense" with someone who just barfed on you. Or farted on you in there sleep (shout out to NTV).

All this to say...YOU are more than wife and mother. What else are you? Explore that. be passionate about being the best you...for you.

Because life is going to happen...the mundane, boringness of life...will happen ALL THE TIME. EVERYDAY. Do want an affair to happen every time you want to feel passionate or intense? OF course not! I think you really want him and you to have the skills, desire, work ethic to engage in your marriage and lives as to full and whole people. That happens in healthy marriages without an affair. So I don't by the "explorers" label for you.

I buy that you are wonderful, engaging, fabulous woman who is looking for your own personal passion. GO FOR IT!!!

DDay 2 for us was in March of 2017.

Our marriage is more intense and the best it's been in a decade.

Day to day, it's mundane. We have 4 kids, newborn to 13. We work 4 jobs between us, and I'm getting my masters. I mean, there's just no getting around it.

We are 42. Our love is more like old people who have been together for 35, 40, 50 years than a young newly wed couple.

I'm OK with that. We're in a dull, mundane part of our lives. And even as the BS, I'd rather my husband focus on what he needs to (in our case, work, his 12-step recovery work, and being a good parent) over trying to get our marriage like it was 15 years ago, in terms of passion.

But for me, his work, his being a good parent, and his sobriety will determine whether or not we stay together and the ease of our divorce if it comes to that.

Reminder: JMO

Gently, if you want something from your H, you need to ask for it.

One thing you want is to be desired. What can he do that will tell you he's really into you?

Maybe he is trying to appease you. Ask him. Make sure he knows you don't want to be appeased; you want to be wanted. But if he says he's exhausted, he may be telling the truth.

You've got a lot of your plate with 4 kids. The kids take precedence - they can't take care of themselves; you and your H can. That means, IMO, that you (any parent, that is) have to put off full self-actualization until the kids can take care of themselves.

W & I built bonds between us as we went along and raised our son. When he went away to college, those bonds served us well. You've got 4 kids, so you've got a long time to wait until they're all out of your house. If you and your H continue to bond, though, I expect your relationship can take quantum leaps as each child moves out.

But the bonds start with figuring out what you want from your partner and asking for it.

JMO.

Sisoon I (the original poster) has two teenage kids (17 &14) They will be out of the house in just a couple years. I'm hoping we will get to do things like traveling and new experiences then.

I know all this takes time. I'm trying to hurry through stages because I just hate how I feel when my brain goes into overdrive. I have to work on me healing...I know that. It's easier said than done.

I'm hoping to go away this weekend to a Yoga/Healing Center and just "be" with me. Of course that's not easy being a mother and small business owner. I'm working on making it happen though. From the start I've been trying to "fix" everything. I need to stop doing that and just "be"

Yikes! I apologize.

I understand hating how you feel, but suppressing your feelings only stores them so they can come out at some inconvenient point in the future. You probably know that already.

Really, the quickest way to recover is to let the anger, grief, fear, shame come in as soon as possible, because that gets the pain out of your system. Lots of pain, though, so it takes a lot of time, much more time than anyone thinks it should take.

I hope you get to the retreat.

I identify with Sufferer and Explorer. Sufferer in that I will most likely never let go of it (I'm not sure many in my shoes could) BUT I don't have feelings of bitterness, revenge or self-pity anymore.

I really identify with Explorer but more by myself than as a couple in a M. I had to heal myself all by myself because my WS was not remorseful until our separation. So I have an intensity and passion like I've never had before just not for my M if that makes sense

Sorry. Just getting back to this tread.

A colorful parrot is a gorgeous bird. Interesting, dymnamic. Not all birds are pretty. You are a colorful vibrant bird. Your husband isn’t. His color come from his surroundings. You being a colorful bird bring vibrancy into his life. He sought an affair to bring more vibrancy. He isn’t colorful. Wants his color from those around him.

Where-as you are the color. The beautiful bird. Not sure if I am explaining this correctly. Some people are vibrant and some aren’t. You can’t expect your non-colorful husband to magically get colored feathers and vice versa. So to stay in the marriage you become happy for what you have and continue to fill yourself up. The key to this is knowing you attract non-colorful birds.

The way I see it, the way it is described, only the last one is real "Reconciler".

I have to agree with NTV (not about farts, btw). I don't know much about Esther Perel, but I don't think people fit so neatly into such categories.

Explorers turn the affair into a catalyst for transformation.

I understand why this statement seems so appealing, but I think it's nonsensical. First off, an affair itself is a "catalyst for transformation." (I liken it more to a "cattle-prod" for transformation). By cheating, my wife transformed quite a lot. So "turning the affair into a catalyst," rather than recognizing that the WS is the catalyst, seems almost deliberately misleading.

The use of the term "explorer," I think, is deliberately chosen to reward the reader for agreeing with a faulty line of thinking. It's self gratifying. Like reconciling is a kin to the exploration of space, "where no one has gone before!"

I'm not an explorer. I'm not a rebuilder. I'm not a sufferer. I'm man who loves and gave my fww a chance to demonstrate that she could 'own and fix her shit,' because I didn't want to miss out on so much of my very young son's childhood.

Be very cautious when reading books and articles, watching podcasts and whatnot. There are more crackpots out there then people who really get it. That's just my opinion, btw.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:21 PM, January 8th (Monday)]

Hey unhinged... you can't agree with me and NOT also agree about the farts.... it's kinda a given, ya know?

I think calling the “Sufferer” reconciliation is akin to calling an alcoholic that only drinks beer a teetotaler.

Over the last six months or so reconciliation seems to have become a four-letter work in the JFO forum. I think one of the major reasons is because people don’t really understand what it is. Anyone that remains in a marriage for ANY OTHER REASON than that they want to and want to create the best marriage ever isn’t reconciling per se, but rather learning to live together despite the affair.

To me the choice of a life-partner is possibly the biggest decision and commitment one can make. I want to have a relationship with my wife as if she were the person that is to decide when to take me off life-support. I would hate that a decision at that level was (partially) based on past resentment.

JMO

Ester tends to coddle the cheater. I don’t think nor feel she has empathy for the BS. I cringed when I read her and it got me angry because I felt she was basically telling the BS to get over it / rug sweep.

Honestly I think we go through stages depending on how transparent the WS has been, how much TT, truly remorseful and doing the work.

But if love to see the different color farts.

💨 💨 💨 .... haha I love it.

Hurtbeyondtime- be VERY careful with what you say lest you receive a packet of NTV's limited edition full colour scratch'n'sniff fart stickers in your mailbox!!!!!

Scurry and Sniff initially. I did more of the same of what I knew and attempted to rapidly force a solution. Oppositely and naturally my wife fell into Hem or Haw. Hem and Haw need to nothing when Scurry and Sniff do all the work (and poor Sniff when someone has been farting!). Don't forget to check for hidden doors!