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So far physical intimacy has been here and there and what I am finding is that I feel like a lot of my self worth is tied to that. Overall WW is doing it all at this point. She misses things here and there but overall at this point I give her a B+ for the last month.

What I am noticing about myself is that lack of sex=lack of self worth and lack of self confidence for me. Like my whole value is tied to that. Which realistically I know it is not but thinking back I feel like I've always been like that although it's not like I was running around and getting it everywhere and anywhere when I was a teenager or any other time.

Just something for me to figure out.

This is not at all uncommon especially for men. I have heard many men talk about sex this way, including my WH. In fact, he uses this as justification for his A - that when I was not having as much sex with him, he looked for it elsewhere and then because he equates sex with self worth, he couldn't help but become emotionally attached to her. I, of course reject that as a justification for the A becuase he never once gave me the respect of talking about that with me first but I have come realise that maybe he felt ashamed of his need for sex in this way and could never bring it up with me. I now believe that men can place this emotional tie on sex in a way women often can't (of course it can be opposite for genders too). And it's a valid Love Language. That doesn't excuse the A, of course, but I just wanted to say that I think your feelings are totally valid. I hope you can express them to your WW.

I do and have expressed that to her. It's not just about me feeling validated about myself. It's as if it validates the relationship, it makes me feel as though the connection is real. I don't think I could ever just go search it out for gratification. It's much more emotional tied to the physical for me. When I think about it in my mind I could not have just random sex with someone. I mean I could but I feel it would be hollow in a way.

We have done stuff since her moving back home, but she has discussed with her IC AL the feelings of self hatred, shame, lack of self worth and self esteem right now and it holding her back. Her IC suggested doing other things to rebuild intimacy which I agree with but I just miss that part of life right now.

What I am noticing about myself is that lack of sex=lack of self worth and lack of self confidence for me. Like my whole value is tied to that.

Great observation. You'll want to sort this out to see why this is true for you. Some things to think through include...

1. That you've picked up the insidious lie that many betrayed spouses face after Dday -- that the A is a commentary on your value/self-worth

2. That you feel desired through sex and, therefore, that you are deriving part of your self-worth through others in general -- your wife for while you've been married, but others before her.

3. That sex is part of the entire marriage relationship and communicates a depth of love and respect to you. The chance in frequency and/or level of intimacy is missed by you. However, it is starting to feed in to #1.

4. That you are comparing yourself and your value to the AP. Underlying this is the thought that the AP might be better. Contributing to this line of thinking could be your WW's IC's advice to take 2 months to choose who she wants.

5. That your WW is manipulating you. Through telling you that she wanted a couple months to figure out who to choose (the AP or you), then telling you that she wants "us" (e.g. to move back home and have full access to the kids) and then indicating that she isn't ready for intimacy makes it very clear that she is controlling the situation. In the meantime, you feel like you are walking on eggshells -- in other words, you are doing the "Pick Me! dance".

This isn't an expert or exhaustive list by any means, but something for you to consider and/or talk through with your own IC.

From what you've written here and in other posts, I'm concerned that you might be focused on #2 right now. That might be a good thing to sort out and give you insight into what is holding you in the marriage. However, from the outside, it certainly seems like 1, 4 and 5 are definitely in play and that is a much bigger issue. Your wife is continuing to be self-centered, manipulative and controlling which is only further undermining your self-worth and confidence. It appears that you are trying to reconcile alone.

I'd advise taking a wider view of things. The lack of sex from your wife is lowering your self-worth and confidence because it is one of many things your wife is doing that shows a lack of love and respect. Her tactics of manipulation and control are abusive and it is disorienting. Her withholding sex gives her the power in your relationship -- the hopes of reconnecting got her back in the door and now withholding it gives her the ability to dictate what she wants you to do. She stabbed you in the back and now is making you feel like you deserved it, that it was your fault and that you need to do what she wants in order to avoid her doing it again. It's absolute emotional abuse and blackmail. I'd highly recommend doing the 180 (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11) for your own benefit -- simply to disconnect from the manipulation/control, to get enough space to gain some perspective on what your wife is doing and to rediscover that you have worth and value.

What I am noticing about myself is that lack of sex=lack of self worth and lack of self confidence for me. Like my whole value is tied to that.

Man, I get that. I had a bout of ED when I was 49 and working in a very competitive atmosphere in which I was supposed to be the boss. It was very difficult to keep the project going when I felt so awful about myself - and I was a road warrior to boot, so I couldn't arrange for therapy.

Initially I felt as if I was pretending to be the right boss. I finally realized I was my real self in both contexts. In one, I was pretty good at getting what I wanted; in the other, seriously lacking. But in my core, I was the same person.

IMO,this is not an A issue for you; the A just made you aware of it. It's your own internal issue, and it's yours to solve.

As far as I can see, the best solution by far is to get a sense in your gut, head, and heart that you're loving, lovable, and capable and that you're a full-fledged member of the human race. YOU count, your desires count, YOU matter - because you are you and not because somebody else thinks you're terrific, awful or in between.

Some people develop that sense themselves. Lots of people get it from therapy.

Alas, no person can give any other person the sense of being OK. You have to take action to develop it. I urge you to take that action.

You and I are the same in this regard.

My self confidence really drops when I don't feel like my WW desires sex or intimacy with me (I know that these can be 2 different things). Then I start having thoughts about the A or the possibility of W being in a new A.

Since the A I have become fixated on it. I want to know that my WW desires me and is attracted to me and if we go several days with no sexual contact or her initiating it I really get down and start making assumptions.

I have seen a lot of that in my WW too, seeking attention and comfort that she thought I wouldn’t give her.

I think she still struggles trying to separate sex from her self worth at times...I understand this but can’t relate to it.