SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have been having an affair for nearly two years. It’s bwen on and off and never actually had sex although we have done other stuff. That was until this week...

I can’t believe that I have actually done it. Feel sick and cheap. I just want to feel better.

Have felt like this before with AP but he’s like an addiction. I’m just gutted that I have now taken that step.

Has anyone else felt like this? Please help me as I don’t know who to talk to. I can’t tell my friends.

Welcome and thank you for sharing.

Clearly this is not a healthy choice for you. I would definitely get into individual counseling to find out why you are making such self destructive choices. You and your partner deserve better.

There is a healing library in the yellow box upper left hand corner, it's a great place to start.

Keep reading and posting.

In the meantime, remember to keep breathing. You need to get this person out of your life for good, which will take time and courage. I believe you can do it.

Also if you have had unprotected sex, make a doctor's appointment for screening.

Thanks for your reply.

I’ve had individual counselling about it and thought I was over it. Clearly not.

I don’t really know how to move forward now. Everything just seems so dark if that makes sense.

I’ve been through some tough times in my life but not like this.

Welcome To the Wayward Board WD,

Home of the naughty ones.

You are on a well worn path. There are thousands of us here that come before you. I was into my A a couple years and then lept off the sex ledge too. I’m fairly OK. I bet you can get there.

Hang in.

Thank you Lucky, that reply made me cry. Pretty okay sounds pretty amazing right now! Feel like I have had so many chances to stop this and keep on doing the same thing! It’s awful!

WS here. I am a MH (that means He cheated then I cheated.. oh and then he cheated again)

Listen if someone told me then that I didn't really care about my AP and that he was just a drug to me and I was in a fog I wouldn't have believed them. Actually they did tell me that and I thought "oh they have NO IDEA bc he and I have a thing. a connection he is my soulmate"

I am 8 months post D day and guess what... I didn't love him. I didn't even care about him and he didn't care about me. He was a fix. Id get a fix of attention and ego kibbles and feel good. He made me feel good but that is the extent of it.

You are ahead of the game bc you felt remorse. I didn't. I didn't care what I did. I felt I was owed bc H cheated first. But now 8 months out I cannot even believe I did what I did.

I suggest that you tell your spouse. And go NC immediately with your AP. Or at the very least go No contact. End things. And it will hurt. You will crave your AP for awhile. For me it was about 4-5 months. But you will come out of the fog I promise you.

xo

Thank-you.

I know deep down that he doesn’t give a shit, struggling with the me not caring part. I think i do. I do feel remorse though now although when I was in the moment I didn’t. I’ve told lies and done despicable things. It’s hard to look back and reconcile myself as that person.

Are you still with your partner TiredSoul?

A little past 8 months here too.

Very similar to what TiredSoul is saying, I didn't feel remorse immediately, or even that guilty at first. I was in a state of fantasy basically. I thought it was meant to be. I wouldn't have listened, not at all.

The most important part to break the "addiction" is NC. NC means not prolonging the hurt for anyone involved. And, yep it hurts really badly for some period of time, worse than a normal break up... but it will ease up and get better as you integrate back into your life and more reality sets in. If you work with him closely, or have to see him it's best if you can arrange your life in a way that's not going to happen.

How did it end? Is he married too? Does his wife know?

Get in IC. As soon as you can. When you start peeling back the layers as to what might have put your boundaries low enough to do it in the first place.

There are themes to these things so read a lot on here you will eventually begin to identify with those further along in their timeline than you, and by participating it will help you reinforce what you are learning. And, reading a lot in the BS forums helped me understand the damage I caused.

Do not fall back into it. It would end anyway and you would still have to go through the pain you feel now, you'd only be prolonging it and likely make it worse.

Telling your spouse will definitely help you become more accountable, and most folks on here say that you can't move forward in a lie. I won't advise for or against. I did confess, our relationship was in such a state it would have been not humane for me not to.

I feel it's an individual decision, but lean more towards confession. What can't happen either way is for you to go on like nothing happened after your pining subsides. You have a lot of work to do on understanding yourself, and changing in a way that you can be safe for your partner. There are numerous patterns and problems within myself that even if I had left and not told I would have carried them into my next relationship.

The best thing that I can tell you about confessing if that is the path you choose is don't hide anything. Tell everything because it will come out anyway. Don't try and control the outcome. Give your spouse the time that he needs to heal and don't push him for a decision about the relationship. Read "how to help my spouse heal" in the learning library here, and dedicate yourself to healing yourself and helping him. It's a long road of healing, so be prepared for that.

I think that's it for now. But, I get that right now you are probably barely making it through the day. Get IC, stay no contact, and work towards all the rest.

Hikingout thank you for your reply and advice. Barely making it through the day is about right. It was only this week that it happened so such early days.

I really don’t feel that I can tell my spouse. He has no idea and we have young children. He would be devastated. And I don’t want my children to know. I’m a product of a marriage where my father cheated more than once and felt the consequences. I can’t even start to think about why I have chosen the same path although as I write that sentence i already know the answer.

AP is married, he married recently. Makes me sick at myself to write that. I really am a horrible person.

NC is tricky. I would like to think that I wouldn’t do it again but am sure that hundreds of people who have been in my shoes will say that I will and it’s not worth the risk is it?

My marriage isn’t really a state. I just think I have fallen out of love. I want to love him and want the family unit but there’s something not there.

Had a year of IC last year... finished and went straight back to AP who I had managed to cut contact right down with.

It’s like i’m On self-destruct mode and so hard to have no-one to talk to in RL.

So grateful for the replies on here... it’s like a lifeline thank you.

I love you but not in love with you is probably the most common thought/thing that WW's say. You only think that because the A has altered what you think love is. I would recommend you read up about limerance. There are some excellent things out there, even on YouTube about it.

To live in the fantasy world with the AP - you think you love them, that they are your true love. It's an illusion. I know you won't believe that yet.

Also, if you continue, there will be a DDAY. Whether it's his or yours, that is typically what ends these things. My AP had a DDAY. Went NC on that same day without hesitation. In this case, for whatever reason his wife has never chosen to contact my husband, but by reading on here it's more common that they do reach out to make sure the OBS is aware.

The more you read the more you will learn that this situation is not unique. In the end, most end up learning that we DID and DO love our spouses, that we wouldn't leave for them, that our AP wouldn't have been a safe partner anyway because they have boundary issues of their own (cheating on their spouse, being wiling to sleep with another man's wife), and it's not a special love. The intensity around the relationship is born in secrecy, not having to deal with kids, mortgages, long-term conflicts, and other real life situations.

Anyway, just commit to NC and I still think IC will help you if you are serious about getting out of this. You may just not have been ready the last time. It's almost like a sickness that disconnects every logical area of our brain.

I have read about limerence and can definitely see that is what I am experiencing. I do sometimes think that I am in love with AP but other times I think I’m not and would quite like to never see him again! Then I think we can just be friends and see each other when we have to.

I think I will go back to IC. I used to be so sure that I knew what love was and that’s what I had with my spouse. I used to be really content. Then AP came along, giving me all of this attention, making me feel these highs (and huge lows). It’s an addiction for sure....

I do live in a fantasy about AP you’re right, although in real life I could never be with him. The jealousy and insecurity would kill me.

Do you think it’s possible to get back to that place of contentment with my husband?

I do think it's possible. What you say in this last post, I could have written it months ago. When NC had been in place for a few months and not long after confessing, I realized what I was getting ready to lose:

A man who had been completely faithful to me, who has supported me through every trial, tribulation, and triumph. A man who knows my weaknesses and strengths, my best friend, my love, the one I have built a life with. Someone who has shared and been the source of great joy and contentment. We had a pretty great marriage before all of this. Hit a stressful point that was long in duration, well you can read my story I recently posted it.

And, when NC started I was devastated. Just devastated. Getting through days minute to minute. I was a complete mess. It's hard to even understand why that was now. I can't reconcile it at all. I didn't lose anything real at all. I lost my mind in all of it, really.

For the last 4 or 5 months I have done nothing but wish I hadn't done it, risked my marriage for nothing, wished I could take it back...and worked on owning it. I am still working on owning it every day.

Anyway, I think that's always why I try and tell new folks on here as much of my story as they will listen to because I was that mixed up person not that long ago, and I know how wrong I was. Nothing good can come of this, I promise you. It sounds like you are more aware of this than I was at your stage.

I am going to find your story and read it.

I do feel totally detached from my life. I have a close group of friends but they don’t know about it so it’s like I have had to take a step back from them. In doing that it’s pushed me deeper into this little fantasy world with AP who I don’t have much contact with anyway other than when he wants to message about having sex.

Do you know, in writing this, I can see why I went BACK to having contact. In my mind I was trying to validate the relationship with AP, that there was something there, because by facing up to the fact that there wasn’t anything real between us it would have meant that i cheated all for nothing.

Now it’s worse because we have had sex and i’ll have to face it.

.

[This message edited by Txquail at 5:43 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

That’s why posting here is so helpful-explaining it and analyzing it with other people will lead to a number of epiphanies. It’s invaluable!

Hi Wildest

I bet your head is really spinning at the moment isn't it? You said It's only been this week that you had sex? But you also suggest through your posts that this has been going on for years (at least a year of minimal contact and IF means it must have been longer) and that you did 'other stuff.

So one thing that you should give some thought to, the sex wasn't the betrayal, it was all a betrayal. You haven't just crossed a line, you did that a long time ago.

However right now you need to try and catch yourself, I suspect you're in a pretty dangerous place. Right now the fallout of having had sex has you reeling but if you aren't careful you'll rationalise, compartmentalize and find tourself back in touch with AP.

One thing you'll sometimes hear is the only way to kill an active A I'd to expose it. Yours is still active right now, if you tell your husband you will kill the A. You will however suddenly have to deal with the consequences. You need to be prepared for that. You have done a horrendous thing to your husband. Whether you guys stay tigether or not you need to help him, so be ready to take that on.

I know right now it all sounds scary as all hell, it is, believe me and everyone else here. But there's no avoiding it, you have got to push through now. You've already done it, you need to accept that, you have already fucked up. Now you have to deal with the consequences and there is no easy way out.

There is a better tome ahead, there is peace at the end of it. There is good times still to come. But not right now.

Now is the time to roll your sleeves up, knuckle down and make some hard choices.

The first one is easy said but may be hard to do.

You have to cut off contact with your AP, right now, this minute. From this point on you never speak to them again.

Nothing good happens if you do. You can't have your marriage if you are talking to your SO, you can't heal yourself if you are talking to them and (assuming they are married) you are hurting their spouse as well everytime you do (because no, that betrayal isn't all on them, you are actively playing you part)

Then you need to come to your own conclusion about confessing, almost all here will say you should (including me) but you need to find your own path, because it's time to start owning your choices and accepting they are youra and you make them.

Last but most importantly read everything, take it to heart but DO something with it. Learn, grow and USE the information you read.

I hope it goes well for you.

.

[This message edited by Txquail at 5:43 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

I would take ChangeMe1's advice. I did not do this and I think it is much worse.

Hi there Wildestdreams,

Welcome to SI. This place has helped me so much and I hope it can help you too. You will get much support and advice here from people who have been in your shoes.

I know right now it seems like things can't ever be untangled but they can. When I came here I also thought that my situation was different, that my relationship with AP was of the special soulmate variety. I doubted whether I could make a go of it with BS and be happy and fulfilled. Boy do I see things differently now. It took me a while to understand that the relationship that felt fulfilling and the most like love was the one I was pouring my emotional energy into. The secret nature of affairs means that the emotions that go with them are super-charged. Once I got that the intensity of a feeling is not necessarily a basis for its validity I was able to start separating AP the person from the feelings I had while I was in the affair.

I'd like to suggest reading the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It is the first book I read on infidelity and remains one of the most helpful as a general education on the dynamics affairs and how they impact all the people involved. When I started seeing myself splashed across the pages there, I began to reframe how I saw AP and the affair. Feelings I had swore to myself would never change in a million years began to shift. And once you see that a shift of something you have been so sure about can happen, it helps open your mind and heart for further transformation.

Ultimately I don't think you can really heal yourself or your marriage until both you and your BS are working with the same subjective reality. I know you don't want your BS or your kids to see you as someone who would cheat, but the fact is that is who you are right now. Your integrity is shattered. You can't rebuild it by lying to everyone about what you've done. Having integrity means that you have to care more about how things are than how they look. The only way to rebuild it is to own what you've done and start to work fixing you and repairing the damage done to your husband and kids. It will be hard to confess, but not confessing means you will live in a prison of fear and also condemn your BS to a prison of ignorance. He's a human being who deserves the dignity and the right of self-determination. Hiding what has happened from him will be an ongoing betrayal and make things far worse when he finally does find out.

Infidelity changes lives irrevocably, but that doesn't mean those lives can't ultimately be good ones.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Thank-you everyone for your replies.

I am reeling. I know that everything about it has been a betrayal to my spouse. However, I don’t think that AP is a potential relationship or that we have something special. I don’t think I ever thought that but I certainly know that’s not the case now after actually having sex.

I can’t tell my partner. I understand that it would be the ideal thing to do to try to work through things but I just can’t.

I think that probably my marriage is over.