SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been married for 14 years in April, together for 18. We have 2 beautiful daughters aged 11 and 10. My husband has a 19year old daughter whom we don't have contact with despite constant attempt(but that's a different story).

My eldest daughter has a medical issue, we found out about, by accident, last August and are still trying to get diagnosed. It could either be an extreemly rare disease with no cure or a rare disease with some proven medical treatments or a cancer that will take a limb. All of these choices will have ramifications for her and us for the rest of her life and we are struggling to cope with this. Her life is severly restricted right now and she is struggling to deal with the 180 from sporty triathlete to absolutely no sports at all.

We own a lovely house with my mother which we brought 4 years ago and all live in together.

Over Christmas my youngest daughters BFF lost her mum unexpectedly and the funeral was on DDay.

My BFF(AP) - we have known each other since playschool, went to the same Primary School, were in Brownies,Guides and then Venture Scouts together. We have been best friends since we were 15. She was my bridesmaid. Our eldest girls are only 2 weeks apart in age, our youngest exactly 9 months apart. She is Godmother to my eldest and I'm Godmother to her youngest. We live just 5 mins apart. Her mother tutors my Youngest.

We are both leaders at our childhood Scout group, her with the youngest section, me with the older. She comes on Scout camps with me help out. Our children are like siblings.

She's one of the only women outside of my family I trusted, We'd talk 5+times a week, moan about our spouses etc etc. Her husband is a coke addict and has anger management issues.

DDay 15th Jan 2018- AP(BFF) asks me to come over on my day off, she knew I had the funeral that day and that I would be picking my daughter up to take her to the funeral so I only had about an hour free.

I'd joked to WS that she was either going to tell me she was pregnant or finally divorcing her H. WS completely unfazed and asked me to let him know.

Her husband was home and right away I knew something was up. I took her her birthday present because the day before was her birthday.

They sat me down in their front room and she dropped the bomb that imploded my world.

She admitted that in 2010 she and my husband had had an A.

She was shaking and crying and apologising. I hugged her

I was in shock -Her H found out about the A not long after it happened and had decided he couldn't live with the lie anymore - apparently it was a New Years resolution, he couldn't live with her being my friend and playing happy families with this big secret between the 3 of them. He had confronted my husband at the time and after 6 months they met up and agreed to move on. How lovely for them all.

I left their house and broke down, I was shaking and sweating and crying like I've never cried before, I had to drive 15mins to collect my youngest from school. I was desperate to pull myself together so I phoned his Stepmother I thought if I kick him out he'll go to her and I want her to know why. She helped me calm down enough to collect my DD and make it through the funeral. I asked another friend if I could come and see her that night, one whom I knew had a WS and would help me.

I text him "you lying cheating bastard", he never responded.

We got back from the funeral late and I had to cook for my family, pretend to be okay. WS tried to talk to me but I shut him down.

I went to see my friend and completely broke down again. She made me text my sister and arrange to visit her for the weekend, then text my WS to meet me out of the house that night to talk. She offered me a bed for either him or me depending on how the talk went.

I was so sure that now I knew our marriage was done. I hadn't felt loved for years and really thought that was it. He was so desperate for us to stay together that we went home and I allowed him to hold me all night while I sobbed and sobbed. He offered to do whatever I needed to fix us, he admitted to everything, told me he gambling more than I knew and would stop that too, promised it hadn't happened with anyone else. He apologised for taking me for granted and being a selfish prick.

For background the last 8 years haven't been great. My WS isn't the most affectionate of men, he hates PDA's and has always refused to hold my hand in public for example.

He doesn't do kissing -"we're married we don't need to kiss all the time".

Our sex life has been regular but can be a bone of contention, I don't feel inclined to initiate sex without affection and my PCOS means I bleed irregularly.

WS doesn't like to argue - he will threaten to leave during an argument effectively shutting it down, he never apologises and just assumes if we don't talk about it it's over and done with, He's a sulker.

His dad died in 2014 after a years battle with cancer. He was unbearable to live with for a year after, very short tempered and moody, incredible stressed and generally unpleasant.

My dad was in heart failure from 2008. We nearly lost him so many times and that was a big part of why we brought the house with them. My dad died at home in 2015. The kids saw me give him CPR.

My WS would joke about not getting a vasectomy because he might want more children with his next wife.

In Dec I remember breaking down from the stress of everything with my eldest daughter and my youngest playing up(she has anxiety issues). WS came home from work and I was being screamed at by our youngest because she didn't want to do something I'd asked her to, he said he'd had enough and was going - I said no I am and walked out - I went to the shops for a couple of hours.I've never done that before.

When I came back he was angry and we had a row where I felt like he was pushing me to ask for a divorce - a situation I've felt before.

I was crying and in a mess, he just sat there writing xmas cards, he didn't give me a hug or anything.

It was at this point I though our marriage was over.He would never agree to counselling -"we're fine, we don't need it"

It all got swept under the rug as it always did and life carried on until DDay.

Post DDay - I struggled through 2 days of work (crying in bathrooms and store cupboards) and went to my sisters 200 miles away for the weekend.

I told her everything - she told me her husband had cheated on her too - bastards.

While I was away I asked for full diclosure from them both which I felt like I got. They both said they couldn't remember every detail because it was so long ago.

WS booked us a counselling session for the Monday.

The full discloser rocked me to the core. The A would have crossed our anniversay and our DDs birthday.

They had spent time together when WS had gone to APH singing gigs to help with equipment, I'd be at home with the kids, they'd sit and chat while APH was singing.

Jan/Feb2010 - Flirty messages on facebook. line was crossed when WS asked AP "if she fancied him or something", she said yes. Not sure how much more messageing or phone calls occured before 1st contact.

1st contact Feb/March 2010 - AP and APH had a dinner party which we went to and stayed over at their house(this was a regular occurance, stayingover at each others houses, dinners together etc). We were all drunk, APH probably on coke. We played Nintendo wii until late and AHP went upstairs to bed. I fell asleep on the floor in their front room leaving AP and WS on the sofa together behind me. AP had got changed into her nighty(minus knickers). They fooled around on the sofa while I was asleep not 1ft away from them.

I had my suspicions something had happened that night. I only half beleived it and I never noticed anything that raised my hackles following this. I accused WS in a row not long after and he denied it obviously.

They carried on messaging on facebook, a game called word with friends was used because I wouldn't suspect that. WS played against lots of people so it would ping all the time.

They met up in car parks and fooled around more, she sent him nude pictures. He works shifts and would call her from work when APH was out - they'd have phone sex. He took her to lunch from work, and here's another kicker for me, held her hand while they walked around London.

Their stories basically matched. they'd met up about 6-7 times over a 2 month period. She called it a day because APH had seen him drop her home a couple of time and was suspicious. They both say they never talked about leaving either APH or me, it wasn't like that.

I spoke to APH and he was so angry and bitter about it all which confused me - he'd know about it for so long why was he still so angry, even I wasn't that angry. He gave me a vibrator that WS had brough for AP. Neither of them had mentioned that nugget of information. She'd kept it for 10yrs and still used it .we regularly use a vibrator in our sexlife, he has never brought me one.

He went to her before night shifts , leaving us early to steal a few moments with her.

They both say they never had intercourse.

The vibrator tipped me over the edge - I called him up and let him have it, I screamed and shouted and used the C word so many times(I hate that word). I packed him a bag(with the vibrator on top) and told him to leave. He came home anyway because he knew I woudn't make a scene with my mum and the kids home. We had our first counselling session that night and the hysterical bonding began.

I have told just enough people that he can't hide from this. A trusted friend from his work(we met at work and I worked with them all too), his best man, his stepmother. All to find out if they knew and if there were any other affairs.

I've read alot on the subject - the beyond affairs website was helpful.

I gave him a list of things I needed if we were to try and recover.

He has answered or tried to answer every question I ask.

He showers me with affection.

I have full access to his phone, computer, finances, social media etc.

He has been though all of his friends with me etc and I have deleted people I don't want him to have as contacts.

She has been blocked and wordswithfriends deleted(they were still fucking playing).

I made him tell my mum - she was asking why She hadn't seen AP and why I wasn't supporting AP in her marriage issues!

He consults me on everything, has cancelled trips and engagements.

He calls me to check if I'm okay and sends me messages while we're appart.

He even started performing oral sex on me again(somthing that he hasn't done for years and years)

I finally got AP to meet with me 2 weeks after DDay. I asked if her DS could be WS's and she promised they hadn't had sex, the timing was wrong and if I wanted a DNA test she'd do one.

I asked why they were still playing WordswithFriend(WWF). apparently they had stopped playing for years and only started up again because they were sure they would never do anything again - how lovely they had that clarity . Somehow the topic became all about her, how bad her marriage was/is, how APH was EA and how he had hit her after reading the full disclosure she sent me. Believe it or not I do understand why she looked outside her marriage, I get it - just not my WS. I advised her to LTB and get a restraining order. PA is a line that can't be uncrosssed and I have my suspicions that he forced her confession now to isolate her from me. This is the only way our bond could have been broken. Apparently WS wasn't her only A. I had no idea. Although I knew she had it in her because I new about 2 A with married me before she met APH. We are NC she is dead to me.

I don't hate her, she isn't worth that energy and I can now look back at our 'friendship' and see the cracks and her jealously, the other boyfriends she has had after I'd finished with them, the wedding that was flashier than mine, the house improvements that occured just after we did some, even down to the 9 months between our youngest children. it was all a game of anything you can do I can do better. It must have made her feel so supirior knowing she had pick up my WS and dropped him all on her terms.

I haven't hit angry since the vibrator. I don't hate either of them.

My marriage is a work in progress, the rollercoaster is a long, fast ride. Somedays I think we'll be okay, better even if we can keep up the communication. Somedays all I can think of is the dinner party and the vibrator.

I can't tell him I love him - It's my own little power play I guess. I want to know I mean it before I say it again.

Please tell me we can thrive not just survive.......

I’m so sorry for your double betrayal. I know this hell intimately.

I’m at 3.5 years out from DD1.

My marriage is better than it has ever been now. However, I still struggle now and then. I have started seeing my counselor again recently when I was having trouble coping with the discovery of my poor cousin’s marriage troubles. Triggers are a bitch.

Your DD is still so new. You are in shock. All of the different emotions will come. They did for me. Crazy roller coaster.

Unfortunately, there may be more disclosures to come. I found out about 4 other affairs two months after DD1. My exBFF, was just he beginning of the iceberg.

Be careful.

My story: Husband and Best Friend

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=541453&HL=44760

Visit here often for support.

[This message edited by UnwiseOne at 6:16 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Welcome, and i’m Sorry you had need to find us but so glad that you did. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of the right things...you demanded transparency and drew up your boundaries. Your dday was a short time ago- so be gentle with yourself and your expectations.

Please take the time to read the healing library (yellow box above dr phil) as well as the bulls-eyed threads for newbies in this forum. A couple of books regularly recommended that you might not know of yet = Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass has excellent info about these kinds of affairs and the importance of boundaries. The second book is HOw to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda macdonald. This is an excellent HOW TO manual for the wayward but good for you as well - to help you see what is acceptable to expect post dday.

Your marriage can thrive - if you and your husband want it to. It takes two to Reconcile - remorse from the wayward is necessary - along with discovery of his whys - why he did this - why did he choose such selfish and entitled actions. Individual Counselling will help him dig deep to the origins of this thinking.

Here is where I’m going to disagree with you.

how bad her marriage was/is, how APH was EA and how he had hit her after reading the full disclosure she sent me. Believe it or not I do understand why she looked outside her marriage, I get it - just not my WS.

I’m assuming EA stands for emotionally abusive? EA here also means emotional affair - so this can muddy up communication. But her husband did NOTHING to deserve being cheated on. Nothing. She had choices - she could have divorced, separated, demanded rehab, held an intervention, called the police and turned him in for drugs. She didn’t - instead she had sex with another man - your man - her god child’s father. Her husband had many faults (and for as long as she cheated - I wonder if that coke habit was his attempt to self medicate the pain from her abuse all these years) but cheating is strictly a result of selfishness and entitlement. Just like how YOU did NOTHING to deserve being cheated on....neither did OBS.

Also - just like you don’t appreciate her having sex with your husband, most wives feel the same way. So no - its not okay that she looked outside her marriage - with any man. You seem to have a lot of anger for OBS...yet he is the only one who cared enough to let you know the truth of your life. The man is a hero in my books. Your anger should be directly aimed at the AP, your Husband and yes, a bit for OBS because he should have told you as soon as he knew. But the anger I feel from your post- nope - he’s the best of the three.

Keep reading, keep posting - we understand the pain youre suffering. I hope you are taking care of yourself (eating, sleeping, std testing etc) You will recieve a lot of support here and I’m glad you found us.

Thank for taking the time to read my very long post!

I miss the friendship I thought I had.

I wish DDay had been shortly after the A not 8years later, I can’t look at phone bills or retreave messages because of the elapsed time so I have to take the word of three people who have lied for so long.

They made a descision about how I was going to live my life, they put me in a box for 8years. How do I deal with that?

I’ve always had issues with APH’s controlling behaviour and I believe he has used this knowledge to emotionally blackmail both my WS and AP for a long time.

Idon’t Have the energy for either of them now. They are out of our lives for good.

Sorry you're here and all I can say is wow that's a lot to deal with.

One thing that I have to say after reading your story is I find it highly unlikely that them claiming they didn't have intercourse is total B.S.

He bought her a vibrator and she had kept it for ten years? She probably envisioned it was him every single time she used it.

I would think if you want to forgive and move forward you need to know everything you're forgiving. Have you asked your husband if he'd take a polygraph and if so what did he say?

They met up in car parks and fooled around more, she sent him nude pictures. He works shifts and would call her from work when APH was out - they'd have phone sex. He took her to lunch from work

I'm also one who highly doubts they didn't have intercourse. Think about it....they were having phone sex, sending nudes, he bought her a vibrator, etc...and then when they were together alone they chose not to have intercourse? Why would they refrain at that point? Unfortunately, this is a common lie they tell. They will also then switch to "we did have sex, but only one time".

You can Reconcile. You can even improve the marriage from what it was before. However, you can only do that if you have the complete truth.

Thank you for posting your story. You are a very strong woman.

This situation needs to be linked by every BS who decides not to expose for selfish reasons.

I thought the same Sharkman. If OP sticks around here (and I hope you do screaminside - this site is so comprehensively awesome!) - if she sticks around for support and to offer support - I hope she weighs in whenever a BS wrestles with the fear of telling....

I’ve always had issues with APH’s controlling behaviour and I believe he has used this knowledge to emotionally blackmail both my WS and AP for a long time.

Many of us BS in R with our waywards would be considered controlling now that we've experienced the trauma of infidelity. There are now things that "normal" spouses can do that we no longer go along with.

OBS might be a massive douchebag in his own right - but try viewing what you know of him through the lens of a betrayed husband. If he's been victimized by his wife's serial cheating, that can really mess up a person.

Either way - I'm glad you've cut them out of your life. Double betrayal is so painful.

I'm so sorry for the struggle you must be going through. My EX-H's affair person was his best friends wife. For years we did everything together as couples, so I can completely relate to what you are dealing with. Especially having things that happened in your past that look completely different once you learn the truth.

I am incredibly impressed by your strength. I can imagine the rage you must feel having been kept in the dark while they all knew. And to think, you were trying to be supportive of her all that time. You are smart to completely cut her and her husband out of your lives. I wouldn't believe a word that came out of her mouth if I were you. Especially the part about her husband hitting her. Why did she feel the need to tell you that? If I were to guess, it's because she wanted you to relay that to your husband so she could play the damsel in distress. Women like her will stop at nothing.

Sassylee

The APH’s controlling behaviour - I can totally see the reasoning behind it now- he is also a WS with strings of ONS and prostitute visits to his name. They are totally fucked up and I’m glad they are out of our lives

I have written a long pen letter going through everything to the AP but I probably won’t send it as I don’t want it to be construed as an invite to dialogue.

We has another MC session last night and this weeks realisation was;

We have always know About his selfishness and self esteem issues but during our marriage my self esteem took a nose dive. He used the knowledge that I find marriage sacred, to behave badly, knowing that I would do what it took to keep the family together.

I needed DDay as an excuse to take back control. I am using the power shift to challenge behaviour I have let slide.

In a weird way I feel stronger than I did before. I’m in the right and his crime against our family is so heinous he hasn’t got a leg to stand on if he wants to stay as part of our unit.

I’m so sorry your going through all this. I ask as gently as possible but are you sure that was his only A? Have you dug around?

I hope so but I guess I’ll never know unless I get a confession.

I’ve been though his phone and all social media, I can’t find anything but that means nothing.

Wow.

Massive double betrayal.

From another poster:

Why stay?

Why allow them to disrespect you?

Why allow yourself to be treated like this?

Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character. Your BFF is also

2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault

3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future

4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!

5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this

6) Eat.

7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)

8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)

9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul

10) Start to separate funds

11) 180 like your life depended on it.

12) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.

13) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.

14) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius (While the A happened a while ago, the concept still applies to you in your case):

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

Err thanks cheeky? Not sure that most of your post is rela net to my situation.

Finding out so long after, and not to mention a double-betrayal.

I am sorry that you are here. I hate when I hear of anyone anywhere telling someone to keep it to themselves, or it's selfish to confess.

I can't imagine the loss you feel with something like this.

As I mentioned in my first reply this is a lot to deal with.

Are you considering (or have you asked him) to take a polygraph?

Also, this is just my opinion, but your husband and this woman claiming they never had intercourse (given what you've described you know about the affair) is total bullshit.

Does it (or would it make) any difference to you if they did indeed have intercourse if you were to find out now (after they've assured you they didn't)?

If it would make a difference don't you want to find out the truth so you know exactly what you're dealing with and how you ultimately decide to move forward?

You've had some good replies here. I would only add that I think you are being trickle truthed. There is a 99.8% probability that they had full-on sex. That is what adults do.

If they were SO brazen and disrespectful as to have had sexual touching with you not 10ft away, then they definitely did NOT have the ability to "control" the urge to have intercourse when you where not close by.

Can you find someone to do a polygraph in England? I heard from another poster that it wasn't available there? I think that is the only way you will get the full truth.

When I was reading your story I was amazed that you hugged the AP after she told you the story...I am quite sure I would have punched her. You must be a very kind and strong woman!

You say you are looking for hope for reconciling...YES, absolutely YES there is hope when you have the FULL truth and a totally remorseful spouse. My H and I are in R and doing very well but I had him polygraphed and made sure there was complete disclosure before I would allow myself to go forward in R with him.

[This message edited by kaygem at 3:17 PM, March 15th (Thursday)]

I have to second what Kaygem said. We are also reconciled but he had to pass a polygraph so I would know what it was I was forgiving. My fwh trickle truthed me for months before we did the polygraph.

Gently, I will admit the story you have been given doesn’t sound as if it passes the truthful test to me. That is simply my opinion (after reading here daily for 4 years).

Never had sex?

I'm sorry you're here. That bit is 100% not true. Just get used to the fact that they boned, a lot. That's pretty much a fact considering how much access they had. I'm sorry.