SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cannot believe how an opportunity to have fun plus poor judgement (during a rocky stage in my marriage) has turned into an affair that has lasted over 6 years!

I would really like to hear from others in LTA about whether you feel it was just random or was there something more like maybe you really are meant to be together?

My affair was long distance (we would meet up on business trips every quarter) so clearly it wasn't just about sex but we had a lot of chemistry. It turned emotional but neither of us wanted to go down that road so there was a period where we ended it and had no contact for 2 months, then we got back together for a year trying to just be 'friend' but it didn't work out and once again, we found ourselves in an intense affair. This time we broke it off and had NC for almost 2 years! It was tough and I missed him every day.

I didn't think I was going to hear from him again but I did. Now we've been back together for awhile and I care for him a lot but I decided it needs to end for good. I don't even know how I'm going to pull out of this 6 year fog! And part of me wonders (I don't believe in 'the one' or this cheesy fate stuff) but maybe there is something more that keeps pulling us back together?

[This message edited by Better2morrow at 8:56 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

Hi there Better2morrow,

Welcome to SI. I had a really long affair too. 7 years in total, with the last 3.5 years being physical. So I get what you're saying about that long fog.

You don't much mention your husband in your post. A common misconception for a lot of people still in the fog is that the affair just added something to your life but didn't take anything away from your BS or your marriage. I think the reason is that it's part of the thinking that helps us subvert the brain wiring that is supposed to prevent us from taking actions that we know will be hurtful and harmful to another person, in this case our betrayed spouses.

Telling your BS the truth about the marriage he's been in for the last six years will go a long way to snapping you out of that fog. It's also the right thing to do. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's 1000% worth it to rebuild your integrity and have a chance at a marriage that's based on honesty and authenticity.

Something that really helped me in those earliest days was to start getting educated about the nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. To that end here's some reading that can help you start to wrap your mind around it.

1) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Great general education from an author who did extensive research on infidelity. Good for understanding what happened from the different perspectives of the people impacted.

2) How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Short, must-read road map that lays out succinctly which behaviors on your part will help reconciliation and which will hinder it.

3) Things Every WS Needs to Know by HUFI-PUFI on this board. I'll bump it up to the top for you. Gives a realistic view of what BS will go through once he knows the truth and lays out a pretty realistic view of what healing from infidelity looks like.

4) The Healing Library here on SI. Check out the link in the yellow box above Dr Phil there on the left side of your screen. It's a lot of short writings on various aspects of infidelity, mostly from a BS perspective but I found it very helpful to begin to wrap my mind around the topic.

Eventually you're going to need to drill down to how/why you were able to betray your husband which will require you to face some hard truths about yourself and question your basic assumptions. An individual counselor can help a lot with that.

Developing some tools for self-reflection and coping with painful feelings in a way that's not self-destructive is critical. A mindfulness practice that includes meditation has been a great help for me. Pema Chodron's "How to Meditate" isn't a bad place to start but there are loads of other options for learning about this very useful method for training the mind to remain centered when the emotional storms are raging.

Post here when you have questions or need support. Welcome to the path from this EvolvingSoul.

(my bad - WS only)

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:04 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

Can I ask you a serious question?

Can you please tell me what's so great about this other guy? I mean what can you get from him you can't get from hubby?

Do you respect your husband?

Are you attracted to your husband?

What's your relationship with your husband like in comparison to your ap?

Questions over. Now I've got some opinions. If you want to stop this affair you need to reveal the entire truth to your husband. That's why it never stopped. You where not held accountable for a god damn thing.

I'm just going to leave you with an scenario.

Two men walk onto a fighting stage. One of them knows everything about the other fighter. He's trained aND been prepping for months just to fight this guy.

The other guy walks in not even knowing there is a fight. He's blindfolded and his hands are tied behind his back. He's pushed into the ring and the bell sounds. Fight start!

Who do you think the blindfolded man is in this scenario is if I was to say the 2 fighters are your husband and the om.

You have thrown 2 men into a pit to fight for your attention and affections but failed to tell one and handicapped him as well. That's why you can't fucking forget this OM of yours. Because your relationship with him has not had a single fucking roadblock. Your husbands relationship with you however is sabatoged at every damn turn because of this om. You get me??? You om by nature has a huge damn advantage over your husband. Stop handicapping your husband and stop acting like you om is special. He isnt. He beats up blindfolded people who don't even know they are fighting. He sleeps with married women. He's a piece of shit. I know you want to see him as a good person because your his partner in crime but bad is bad. What do you want to bet this guy is married too. Hahaha what a keeper lol.

Tell your husband and go NC. REAL NC. REAL TRUTH. You knows what's right and wrong. Your problem is doing it. At one point or another you just have to DO IT. Not tonight. Not tomorrow not next week. Not after Christmas or a birthday. NOW. I used to use the later excuse. When later came I just said later again. It's an excuse to not do what's right. Just get up AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT. If you can't bring yourself to choose one man or the other then it's your duty to let them choose. Why is the only person not getting a choice in this the one most effected? Ie. Your husband. Hell maybe he would even be up to sharing you!! Probably not but who knows. That way you could have both and not be forced to choose !!! Isn't that perfect???!!

[This message edited by Adotta at 2:59 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

I think you first need to make the choice that you want to be with your husband. From your post, I don't get the impression that you've made your mind up. You still wonder whether AP is a better option for you. I know this might be controversial given this site is all about surviving infidelity... but you choosing to leave your husband for your AP is an option you have. If you really love him, and you have given yourselves to each other emotionally over a period of 6 years, maybe you're better off giving it a go. Your odds of success in that new relationship apparently aren't high, but some people do this. Only you know if it is what you really want, or whether you want your marriage instead.

HOWEVER, what you absolutely cannot keep doing is continuing with both. It's completely unfair on your husband who has no choice in this matter at the moment. It's also unfair on the AP, and finally it's unfair on you. Would you really be happy living the rest of your life in the situation you're in now? I had an affair for 10 months (on and off) and it was hell. I couldn't imagine doing it for as long as 6 years. It must eat away at you.

There is definitely something strong that pulls you back into emotional affairs. I'm still struggling with withdrawal now. Chances are your AP could be a decent life partner for you... I don't believe in "the one" and there are many people in this world that we could be compatible with. However, you once thought the same about your husband. Your AP isn't any more special than your husband, or any more special than a dozen other men who you might meet in your life but don't end up screwing. In fact your AP is already worse than your husband and these other men in one pretty fundamental character trait because he is willing to lie and cheat.

If you go into this latest NC half-heartedly then there is no way it will last. I agree with others that the only option is to tell your husband. Work out what you want quickly (AP or marriage) and then tell your husband. Get off the fence. You've spent way too long on it already.

This om sounds married. So them running over the hills skipping into the sunset ain't likely. But yeah I agree with last post. If you want this man and can't stop then divorce your husband. There are plenty of women out there that can be good fits with him. If you keep this cycle of cheating going eventually your husband will discover a huge chunk of his life is a lie. And your the liar. Would you rather part with him respecting your charachter or hating you? The only secrets that are safe secrets involve dead people by the way. You WILL get caught eventually. There is always a fuck up eventually. Confessing is many times better then being caught. If you want to keep your husband stop treating him like trash. This isn't even just for your husband. It's for you too. It's mainly for you. You need to stop living a lie. Be a genuine person!

Thank you everyone for reading my post and taking the time to offer advice. I feel relieved finding this site as I don't have any other support on this matter. My friends and family think I have the 'perfect marriage'.

This has been going on for so long that I barely remember how life was like prior to meeting AP. In a way the long distance made it easy for us to go the distance - he didn't interfere with my daily life, less chances of getting caught, etc. My husband actually knows I talk to AP occasionally. He thinks we are just business acquaintances.

So right now I am still in the fog but I realize I have to grow up (I'm in my mid-30's) and take responsibility for my actions. I admit I've been in this millennial stereotype of 'have fun and indulge, think later'.

@EvolvingSoul - thank you for the resources. The affair taught me a lot about myself. There's been lots of self reflection this year so I hope the whole experience will yield valuable life lessons.

@Adotta - not used to such a blunt direct, even harsh tone of voice lol but I appreciate it and it's a good analogy. Maybe I just haven't had enough of that and I need it to burst this fantasy bubble.

To answer your question about what's great about this guy... he's actually the type of guy I always envision myself marrying. Obviously not the cheating/lying part. As young women, we carry around this silly checklist and discuss with each other in great details about our dream men. So I was blown away when he checked off 9/10 boxes. If my husband ever met AP, he would likely agree that he is more my type than himself, which is the ironic part.

Anyway, I'm here to read and learn more from everyone. At this point, I don't have a plan. I am tired and struggling with still missing him (it's been 2 weeks since we last talked). I realize I've been selfish for a long time and yes, I need to improve for my husband but to really battle this beast, I need to want to improve myself first.

[This message edited by Better2morrow at 9:46 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

Better2morrow - I'm also a millennial in my lower/mid 30s. I do think people at our stage of life who find themselves in this situation have a different outlook than those who are in their 50s with grown kids etc. But it's no excuse for we did.

Do you have kids by the way? If you don't, this decision might be a bit easier for you. At the moment, and based just on the two posts you've written, it seems to me like you want this other man more than your husband. I had very strong emotional connection to AP, but I knew logically that my wife was a better fit for me really and is a wonderful woman I'm lucky to be married to. In your case, it sounds like your 'logic' tells you the opposite and you aren't really sure your husband is right for you.

However, be careful that this isn't just your fog brain re-writing history.

You need to REALLY ASK YOURSELF whether you want to stay married to your husband, and WHY. Forget about the OM for a moment. If you left your H, things might work out with OM, they might not. But the real question is whether you're going to be happy with your husband for the rest of your life. If you have a chip on your shoulder that he isn't a good match for you and there are other better suited men out there, you're just going to have more affairs in the future and/or be miserable. Don't just string your husband along because he's the safe option. You're both young enough to move on and build lives with other people. And if there aren't kids involved yet, count your blessings.

One thing is for sure. The affair will only end in tears, for all three of you. I speak from very recent experience.

I'm guessing this guy is just a "better" male specimen. Deeper vioce wider shoulders better job. Tall and handsome..... bigger you know what.... ect. You can have that. If that's how you want to choose your men fine. Go for it. But don't drag a good man and his self esteem and honor through the mud to get it.

You didnt answer me what you thought about your husband. How is your current relationship with him? Still having sex? Good sex? Communicating? Romance? Is this guy EXTRA to you or could you see yourself walking over the hill into the distance with your OM? If you don't want to leave your marriage at all. As in you still want hubby... but you also want this om you have some pretty big issues to work through. One of which is entitlment. Narcissism being another.

Let me ask you how did you grow up? I'm going to take a crack at a guess. You grew up somewhat well off. A daddies or mommas girl. You were pretty and knew it. Whenever you dated someone it was always you to dump them. You never had to confess your feelings to another. It was always men aproaching you and not the other way around. Every man who dated you white night ed you like no tomorrow. They lived to breath the air around you. Am I close?

I have a feeling you married your husband for the wrong reasons. You maybe married him because it was time to marry and he was such a nice guy. And now Mr perfect comes along and instead of being mature and making your chioce to say sorry stbxh I messed up. I don't think we are meant for eachother. I want this other man..... you decide to shit all over him. I mean you wouldn't want to hurt his feeling ( it's really about your feelings ) right? I have a feeling you may think your worth it for your husband right now. Your not. Your a huge bomb waiting to blow and take everything in his life with the explosion.

I get it. I really do. It can be hard to let somone down. No doubt you love your husband in some way. You probably don't want to lose your connection to him completely which is exactly what will happen if this goes down how it probably will. If you want to save any sort of friendship or marriage honesty and respect for your husband will be key. TURN THE KEY.

[This message edited by Adotta at 3:42 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

@Needtomoveon1 - I enjoy your posts because it's challenged me to think some more. And I've already had a long time to think about this!

Affairs at ANY age is wrong. As a millennial it's different in the sense that marriage seems to be taken more causally than before. I have friends divorced by 35. My close friend is having an affair. People are using dating apps for open relationships. Top it off, I live in a big city where it's easy come, easy go with money, relationships, etc. This obviously is not justified and that is why I'm here, trying to dig deep and fix things. For 6 years, I talked myself into thinking it was okay because others were doing it, I was bored, my H changed and other silly excuses.

I read your post about not telling your spouse the second time around and I agree. I also read supporting articles about it doing more harm than good.

@Adotta - wow do I really come off as a spoiled brat??!! Because that is darn scary how bang on you are with the description. Typically I would defend myself but no point hiding behind an avatar if I'm trying to get support/help here. Pretty and always getting my way with men sums it up and likely why I now developed this 'entitled' attitude. The only thing you got wrong is the reason I got married. I chose my H because I do love him and for most of our marriage, we were a good fit. Perhaps we are just growing apart and AP appeared at a time when our marriage was going stale so yes, it would appear that he's an 'extra'.

With everything I've said and how much I like this guy, I can't be with AP for one simple reason... 2 cheaters can't build an honest life together because the whole relationship was built on a lie!

[This message edited by Better2morrow at 5:42 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

Hey! I read this post and I don’t have too much to add honestly, but I understand being in the fog, you get so filled with the thought that the AP is what you need and that you need the AP to feel whole. I struggled with this a lot myself not all that long ago but it’s just you getting stuck in a cycle of addiction.

My recommendation is to pick up “Facing the Shadow” by Patrick Carnes, it’s absokutely what helped me start seeing through the fog.

I wish you luck ending this affair, going no contact and hopefully figuring out a way to heal!

Those articles you read about keeping secrets are bullshit. How the hell are you supposed to have a proper marriage with that kind of secret? What a bunch oh bull.

Those studies take into account the marriage not at all. They only seek to minimize the damage as much as possible. And yeah if your husband had and never did find out you where cheating he would probably happier without knowing. BUT BUT BUT BUT. can you do that? Can you be a good wife. An honest and open and genuine person for your husband in that state? No you won't. It will be a wieght in your shoulder. You will never truly look at him as your other half as you keep secrets from him. He will always be someone to be manipulated. And you can't claim other wise because every day, every single day is another manipulation. You will have to shape your life with him around these lies. Your marriage looks like a pretzel with holes in it mam. That'd not even mentioning if the affair continues because I can assure you there is no way in hell you can be a good wife will cheating. It's like being a good test taker while cheating. It's stupid. It's false and empty. Do you want fakse and empty?

And to top it all off secrets do NOT LAST. They never do. They always come to light. Now or 20 years from now. Would you rather let him deal with 6 years of betrayal or 30? Because even if you do stop this affair for good right now and go total nc..... he will STILL think of every single day he wasn't told as an extra knife. Time and time again I have seen people say here on this board and others that the sex wasn't actually the worste. It was the lies. The manipulation. That's ALWAYS what stings the worste. Being treated like a tool is super degrading. And my god people are not as smart as they think. YOU are not as smart as you think. I don't know how confident you are in your measures taken for secrecy but I can assure you they are not good enough. You could talk in your sleep. Someone could see you with him and hold onto that no for later. An old buried text. An old emial. Your om could lose it and blow the whole secret up in some drama fueled idiocy. Told any friends? Better not piss them off. Your oms wife could know and blow it up. Your om may have told some friends. Who knows. No secret lasts unless everyone who knows it is dead.

If you reveal the whole truth on your own it's telling him a few things. that your a mature respectable person. You make fuck ups but at least you came around in the end. And more importantly you are still looking out for him. You may have done this to him but you're not running from the scene of the accident you caused. If he finds out more without you he can only assume you don't respect him or love him. What else is he supposed to assume? You can kiss most of any chance you had at reconciliation goodbye after that.

I'm going to start laying into you about telling the truth. Im sorry. I hope you don't run off. This is my biggest tiff with you right now. The truth sets you free. Let go of the outcome. You don't get to decide the fates of other. That's foggy thinking. That's wayward thinking. You are not omnipotent. You don't know what's best for your husband. You haven't been looking out for him for 6 years. Don't turn around and tell me not telling him is suddenly a noble thing to do. Imagine yourself in that situation. Imagine being 50 or 60 years old only to find out you have lived your entire adult life absolutely devoted to somone who could do this and keep it secret. Imagine wondering how much was fake and real. Imagine wondering if you where ever even loved at all. All at the end of your life. There is no going back. There is no redo. There is no divorcing and trying again. Your youth is gone. Never comming back. You spent it on somone who you can't be sure even respected you let alone loved you.

There was actually a story on just found out a little while ago. A man dug out an old pc and found some pictures texts and videos of his wife's affair. The whole shabang. Every detail he could ever ask. The wife was sure theu would never be found. Probably didnt even know they existed. Pretty sure he had to restore the oc to get the stuff. Problem was the wife had the affair years and years ago. Her ap died in a car accident so the affair stopped. She went to IC. Worked out her issues. Absolutely devoted her entire remaining life to her husband and children. She even had a game plan for if hubby found out. The husband had actually claimed that those years where the happiest of his entire life. UNTILL HE FOUND THAT EVIDENCE. They all became lies to him after that. Every single day. Every memory. All of it. HE couldn't handle it. He actually said the years of lies were the worste part I believe. He didnt know what to believe at all. He divorced her. She broke down. She killed herself. She thought keeping the secret was the best idea. It wasnt. Her councilor said keep the secret. All those sites and studies said keep the secret. It didn't work. Reality can't be built on falsehood. Relationships built on lies are just trickery. They are flimsy and pathetic.

That could be you and your husband. You can build the perfect marriage from this day foward. But the lies you keep will be a hidden danger. Waiting to blow you and your husbands life to smithereens. Can you live with that sword of damecles hanging over you and your husband life? Can you? Every time he says honey we need to talk. You will think. " is today the day?! Is today the day my whole marriage comes crashing down?!" Every time someone says they know your secret in jest. Or hell your husband does. It will be terror all over again.

As you are right now your trying to cover up the huge hole on the side of your marriage with tape and canvas. It's all painted to look like hull. But it's not. All as it sinks. Slowly but surely. And it's taking you and your husband with it. It's your job to tell hubby he should either abandon ship or start bailing water out. Don't let him drown.

[This message edited by Adotta at 10:03 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

I hate to admit this (because the way you come across isn't positive - I'll be honest), but I think you and I have our similarities. I too have led a privileged life where things have come easy to me. I too am considered attractive and don't have much issue getting attention from the opposite sex, and I too am basically a bit immature in my outlook. I even live in a big city, etc. as you describe.

I'm not sure how old you were when you met your H, but I was young when met my W. I used to think flirting with other women etc was fine because I was just in my 20s and my friends were all doing it. I didn't think about marriage at the time and was just having fun. I think I established this as "acceptable behaviour" in my relationship (from my own perspective - not my now wife's) and then just carried this forward as I got older. My friends maybe grew up whilst I didn't. I've recently had a bit of a mid-life crisis (despite being in my 30s) and I think part of the reason I had an affair was to rebel against the responsibilities I have in life, and me questioning whether what I've got is really what I want.

I think you're going through something similar. You kind of breezed through life so far, and are now a bit bored and wondering whether "this is it". You enjoy the attention from another man, and wonder whether there is more out there in the world for you. Whether you settled too soon. Whether you should have another adventure.

I've been through all of this in my mind. To be completely truthful, I've not fully come out the other side of this thinking. But what I would say is that there will always be other adventures out there. There will always be other men (in my case women). MAYBE there is someone out there who is slightly better suited in some ways to you. But then what happens when you get bored of him and another guy comes along who ticks a different box on your "guy ticklist" that you described (which by the way makes you sound about 15 years old)? Do you start this cycle again?

You need to think a bit more widely about who you want to be in life, and what you want from it. If you think you'll have a happier life jumping from relationship to relationship (serial monogomy it's called) then make that choice. Maybe you're someone who wants multiple relationships at once (polyamorous). Again, if that's your bag then choose it. If you decide that you want to be married and faithful to one person (with all the benefits and drawbacks that brings) then you need to choose that.

I chose the last option. It's the option that doesn't leave me sad and lonely in old age. It's the option that allows me to create a family, and gives stability in life. It's also the only option that doesn't see my wife (a woman I love) being with another man instead of me.

You need to seriously decide what you want from life, and fast. Because otherwise that choice is going to get taken out of your hands for you (you're lucky it hasn't already). Whichever option you choose, the next action involves telling your husband about your affair.

If you choose option 3, then you still need to tell him. I tried to convince myself I didn't need to tell (as you read in my post), but the others on here are right I'm afraid. You know why? Because if you don't tell him there is no way that you will be able to snap yourself out of affair fog and make the marriage work. You'll never be on a level playing field. I made zero progress fixing my marriage in the two months my affair was a secret. I've made a lot more in the two weeks since the truth came out. I can't guarantee where I'll end up, but I know that this was the only route that gives me a chance of a happy marriage.

[This message edited by Needtomoveon1 at 11:28 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

My compass has been a question to myself. How do I want to be and who am I now? If I'm not who I want to be, what am I doing that prohibits that from happening. And, how can I get there? One additional questions is if you had a daughter, doing what you are doing, what position would you take? These are personal questions that only you can answer.

I'm a MH who's been married infidelity free for 25 years. Prior to that I didn't care about anything or anyone, except what I wanted. An affair partner's attempt at suicide started changing things for me. A few years after that I began living a life with rigid rules, one of which was not seeing anyone who was attached, regardless of their status, ACCORDING TO THEM.

My reasoning was, the prospect AP would paint a horrid picture of her marriage or relationship, but what would her husband or boyfriend say about me being with his wife or girlfriend, and further, what would I do or think if I was being betrayed and my wife was the one who painted me as a horrific husband, when in fact it was a lie.

Lastly, look at being here on SI as being the first step towards building the courage to make your wrong's into right's and allow that momentum to propel you further. Posting and being challenged is a very significant first step towards living an authentic and respectful life for you and your husband regardless of what the future holds for you two.

[This message edited by Jorge at 5:06 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

You’ll find anything on the internet to support the thinking of keeping the affair secret. It comes from the idea that you are somehow trying to protect your husband from being hurt.

I really suggest you pick up the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2

She talks about the deceit that goes into affairs and how the couple must tear down the walls that separate them. While building walls to keep yourself safe.

was there something more like maybe you really are meant to be together? but maybe there is something more that keeps pulling us back together?

You keep asking this question, so it make me wonder if you aren't being honest to yourself about the "cheesy Nicholas Sparks" type of BS. It makes me wonder if you are stuck in an immature stage of committed relationships where you expect sparks and easy love all the time. I would look up the stages of a committed relationship and educate yourself. Marriages get in a rut. It is part of most marriages. Some figure out how to get out. Some are lazy and expect it to be easy and don't want to work to get out and look for instant gratification. Which was you? What do you think will happen with "Mr. Right" if you left with him 5 years down the line? Will you cheat when life gets messy and there are responsibilities and there is the dry period? Or do you think it will magically be easy and the sparks will never die?

He is a 9 out of 10. So what? You are of the mindset then, that if something or someone better comes along you can just the cut the strings and run? Pretty selfish and entitled. Your husband puts in the years of fidelity and work and you just abandon that for a 9? 9 of what? Like you or different? If you say, like you- I would challenge yourself to ask do you want this man because he is your mirror image? My AP was my mirror image. My wife is the complete opposite of me. IMO the opposites attract. We marry them and they complete the whole of a future of parenting and living life. My wife is grounded. She gets things done. She is practical and nurturing. She pushes people to be their best. Including our children. She can be tough and critical. We acknowledge that I am the comedian. I am the fun one. I remind her to let loose. I live in the moment. I soften the edges and keep her from her anxiety in life and bring the lighter side. (Even if on here I can be harsh Which I do in hopes of pushing a fellow cheater to not get stuck and waste time like I did ) Anyway, we round each other out and it just works. The children have both. Serious when things need to be and not serious when you need to just enjoy the moment and life.

How would you define your relationships?

Sorry to T/J

Needtomoveon

I chose the last option. It's the option that doesn't leave me sad and lonely in old age. It's the option that allows me to create a family, and gives stability in life. It's also the only option that doesn't see my wife (a woman I love) being with another man instead of me.

Good to hear. You are months ahead of me, when I was first here. It took me longer to realize I wanted to grow up. Something for you to question and focus on. Define who your wife is in your eyes. How would you compare your mother and your wife? Did you at some point put your wife in a mother role in your marriage? Do you think that most men would probably kill to have your wife?

Thanks everyone for the feedback and advice. Some of it is harsh but it's just what I need to hear. I realize the first step (and my goal) is to pop this 'privileged bubble'.

My teenage years and 20's were rough and high pressure to be successful - mostly defined by going to an ivy league school, getting a good job, being pretty and having stylish/expensive things. I have all that in my 30's now and live in an affluent part of the city where I'm surrounded by other entitled people who dip in and take whenever and whatever they like.

So it's become 'normal' for me to be having drinks at St. Regis and beside me is a married man out with his sugar baby or you stay late at the office and hear funny noises coming from a senior partner's corner office and you laugh about it with your co-workers. Then your closest friend has an affair and suddenly, you don't look like the odd bad apple anymore. Yes, it's all wrong (and immature on my part) but when you are surrounded by it, your reality gets distorted and you start thinking maybe it's not a big deal to have some fun on the side too.

Since this is our environment, when I told my husband (the partial truth)... we were going through a rough patch and he was obviously very hurt but wasn't entirely surprised that I strayed.

I took a trip to a developing country recently to gain some clarity and perspective. I recognize this is my first and biggest problem and likely my AP's too - entitlement. So my first part of this journey is to start distancing myself from this false reality and as suggested, to read the threads from BS.

The one big difference as well is this time I am the one breaking up with AP. So I feel more in control of my decision. When we had NC for 2 years, he ended it because it was getting too risky (he has a high profile career) and I was still all ga-ga over him.

@Jorge - I've been thinking about that too. What if I had a daughter? I definitely wouldn't want her following in my footsteps! And if I had a son, I wouldn't want some selfish brat like myself, hurting him either.

@Needtomoveon1 - I'm working up to the full truth. My friend's therapist actually argued it's more harm than good. (So ya you can find support for both sides.) I'm glad it's help you progress further these last weeks. Did you end up disclosing the second time?

@Zugzwang - I hear you and I'm starting to see how silly/immature it is and agree that I have to get over this entitlement. Like my career and other hurdles I've jumped over, marriage is work! Ironically my AP pushes me to be more serious about life while my H thinks I'm too serious and tells me to chill out.

[This message edited by Better2morrow at 3:32 PM, May 3rd (Thursday)]

I reread the bits of the thread and I caught this...

"With everything I've said and how much I like this guy, I can't be with AP for one simple reason... 2 cheaters can't build an honest life together because the whole relationship was built on a lie!"

That's you quoted.

So why is it not a good idea in your head to start a relationship on a lie... but your toying with the idea of maintaining one with lies?

AND I remember you saying you rated this guy a 9 out of 10 type on you checklist. How would YOU rate your husband?

I know comparisons seem juvenile but I think it might help me understand your mind set a bit.

If you where to compare your husband and this OM how would you rate them? How is this guy superior to your husband? Looks? Job? Emotionally? Sex? Intelligence? You said this guy was more your type but in what way? If he's a 9 what's your husband?

I'll tell you right now morally this guy can't even compare to your husband (your om is a piece of shit morally) but let's hear your opinion on everything else.

[This message edited by Adotta at 9:46 AM, May 6th (Sunday)]