SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was thinking just now (I try to limit all of my thinking to once a day) and the thought hit me... maybe marriage counseling is a bad idea, in general, for couples trying to reconcile.

My logic is that marriage counselors are trained to "not pick sides", which isn't really helpful when dealing with infidelity because it's obvious that the wayward spouse did something wrong.

Anecdotally, my experience with MC was not good. The therapist tried to "blame both sides" and got really frustrated when I refused to take any blame for my WW's affairs.

This is just a general question, a curiosity if you will. I don't have a well-defined opinion... and I'd be interested in hearing other folks' opinions as well as their experiences in MC (bad... but especially good experiences).

My logic is that marriage counselors are trained to "not pick sides", which isn't really helpful when dealing with infidelity because it's obvious that the wayward spouse did something wrong.

Bad idea.

For exactly this.

Even if the marital dynamic does need work (many do), right after the A is not that time. The WS has to first show that their poor choices and coping mechanisms for whatever was wrong with the marriage are being addressed and fixed, along with the damage done to the BS. Why would someone who just got stabbed in the back with a 10 inch blade by their spouse want to hear about that spouse's splinter? Just no.

MC are fully aware that quite often one spouse is far more broken than the other. They just can't say that.

I am of the opinion that mc only after both ic say its time.

My MC has been very helpful. She helps us by working as a moderator for some of our discussions or suggesting next steps. If your spouse doesn't already see the A as wrong and they aren't ready for MC. If they aren't using MC as a way to rebuild trust and make sure it never happens again then then they aren't ready for MC.

Edit to add: We were both in IC and made sure our therapists were both ok with MC before we started.

[This message edited by hobort at 11:41 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]

I'm in IC. We started MC before my WS has started IC. This was partially because I know how opposed he is to IC in general, and I was hoping MC would show him that IC isn't what he's built it up in his head to be.

So now we pay $150 out of pocket since MC isn't covered my insurance, and my WS spends a lot of time discussing his childhood, his parents marriage, etc.

I brought this up with my IC, who said that maybe he needs me to be there to feel comfortable to open up. Fine. I just wish we weren't paying $150 a session when he could be paying a $20 copay instead to see an IC.

And... I like our MC so far, but that's probably because he straight up said at the last session that WS has a lot of things to work on. MC said that if WS puts in the work, our marriage could be fixed, but it's going to take a lot of digging.

Are there things that I need to work on? Yes.

But it's really hard if a marriage issue is one-on-one/no kids/adult time, and one person's idea is dinner, a movie, sex and asleep by midnight, and the other person's idea is cocaine/strippers/partying til 4am.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 10:52 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]

I think it really depends on the couple and the counselor. I had the same fears at first. I did start IC, she also does MC. (He has done nothing) I would trust her to sort things out. She's not one to accept excuses and tells it like she sees it. She also mentioned that if there are problems in a marriage, infidelity isn't something that usually fixes a marriage or brings the couple closer. I'm also not looking for her to blame him. I don't want it to be about you did this, this, and that and you're the asshole. I'm looking more for this is where we were, this is where we are, how do we move forward if that's even possible?

For me IC and MC are a must if my WH wants to come back home.

Well I didnt use SI after dday - for awhile anyway. So not knowing our standard advice, I booked an MC appt right away. It was good for me. She validated everything I was feeling and really held my H’s feet to the fire. She helped me draw my boundaries...she was amazing. But knowing that I simply lucked out with a good therapist, I always recommend IC first...

Bad idea for the reason you articulate.

Additional reasons:

Many MC's, maybe most, lack training/expertise dealing with infidelity. Further, they tend to view "success" as keeping their married couple clients from divorcing at all costs. They often encourage rug-sweeping. I've seen instances where they encourage the WS to lie about affair details, or withhold them. Etc. In short, a lot of idiots out there.

The WS is broken in some way. She made a series of very fucked up decisions to engage in the A. You cannot successfully engage in MC when one of the two partners is broken, and the other is in trauma. The WS should first seek IC to figure out what was broken and fix it. And the BS ought to consider IC to heal the trauma.

Maybe after that is done, then MC might help if both spouses are certain they wish to R. In that case, you need to find an MC with expertise dealing with infidelity.

I think the answer is...it depends. During my first marriage, my ex-wife and I went to a MC and she was completely useless. She picked sides with my ex-W and did not help whatsoever. But, I had the exact opposite experience when we went to another MC after D-day. He was extremely helpful. He was my WW's IC and she called him after her three month long EA which culminated into a weekend long PA. On the initial phone call, he told her "if you want to have any chance at saving your marriage you must confess the A to your husband and be 100% honest and transparent". Our subsequent trips to see him really helped me understand and heal much more quickly.

The bottom line is that there are all types of MC's just like any other profession. There are excellent ones and horrible ones and everything in the middle. An excellent MC is going to lay down certain guidelines for the WS and definitely will never try to blame the BS. My experience with our MC was excellent and he really helped us and our R went great.

I've heard of successful reconciliations with a good marriage counselor. I would highly recommend someone with experience in working with infidelity.

Unfortunately, the counselor I went to actually supported xWH by saying "I" needed to give him space, that we shouldn't bring up what was done and for me to "understand" his side. She had no clue about infidelity and what destruction it causes. Only went once!

I have to agree with you Barcher and others.

For us I got him to agree to MC, I knew there was no way in hell he would do IC, and that close to DDay I was sure there was more I could have done to prevent his choices.... Yah Co-D much???

Anyway.... we went exactly 3 times. The counselor was an excellent counselor.

HOWEVER..... H wasn't being fully honest and transparent at the time, and I was so fragile, that I cried through most of the first 2 sessions.

Each time we went, it ended up causing a huge argument after, and after the 3rd time he said he was tired of being made out to be the "Bad Guy"...... But wait, aren't you?.... I realized then that Therapy wasn't going to be what fixed us. It was going to be us.

It took me about another month to get strong enough to realize that I was being incredibly CoD, and that he was still being a shit. It took me another month to find my voice, and put my foot down.

Holding each other accountable for our own actions and healing is what made the real difference.

Being totally transparent and doing the work on our own brokenness made a huge difference.

So ultimately did we need MC? No not really. Therapy isn't everyones cup of tea, and certainly not my spouses. So going wasn't ever going to be productive for us.

Didn't help us. Lots of rug sweeping. At least WW paid for it. Meh.

My WH's AP is a marriage counselor. Her website says that she specializes in guiding couples through divorce. I have zero trust in these people

My WW and I went to MC right after I found out (about 8 months ago). Totally worthless.

She told me, I need to take all the pain and knowledge of her affair, and "bury it in a box". Avoid it and never think about it.

Yeah, never went back.

It is my opinion that counseling will work if you have two parties who are willing to work together to resolve their conflicts.

IC works for those who want to work on themselves regardless of the out come of the marriage.

Infidelity happens for several reasons and I am not saying it is right by any means. Because it is definitely wrong.

It takes two people to make a marriage work. It is easy to get married, it is hard to stay married.

No one gets married to get divorced.

Professional counseling and/or or a great support groups can help others heal in their own way.

It takes a good counselor to understand and remain unbiased. They should have the tools necessary to help a couple through this process. Through all of the emotions, feelings, hurts, etc. But, it takes two committed people who want to reconcile their marriage after the infidelity to stay strong and persevere no matter what.

Hell no. I went to a lawyer and filed for a divorce. I viewed it as she destroyed the marriage and I exposed it to everyone.

I wasnt about to goto a MC and have them tell me to stay and support my wife. She chose to whore herself out for a compliment.

Divorced her and I found someone else. And to this day the cheating whore still contacts me at least once a year trying to get me back.

Ive tried blocking her but she changes the number with skype. I change my number and she subscribes mylife (which I hate). Somehow that fricking site gets my new number within 6 months.

I've never tried MC so I can't answer it but I have found most counselors I've ever interacted with to be a "bad idea." To me they are just people with opinions and their certifications and degrees don't mean a lot to me, over say a person with common sense and compassion who would listen to you.

I would imagine what others are saying may often be true, they try a little too hard not to "pick sides" even when there really is one who is mostly at fault for the problems.

It's depends on how you are approach MC and if your WS is acknowledges the wrongfulness of his/her affair.

If you are looking for an arbitrator, referee, or a third party to take a side and valid one party, then MC is going to suck because that's not its purpose. If you wish them to assign blame then they will default into the everyone's to blame. If you want usefulness from MC--dont go there.

As a BS, I didn't need to pay someone a huge fee to tell me what I already knew. My WS was 110% to blame for the affair. If your WS brings in fault, the session will crash and burn like the Hindenburg.

If you are going into MC looking for person to help you find productive ways and channels of communication, then you may get something out of it.

I have to say that it's definitely a waste of time when your cheating BS is still lying to you and giving you phony excuses for why she had a sex toy with her at work instead of it being in the bedroom where it belongs.

I'm not a fan of therapists at all, but I would suppose those who simply can't sit down and talk like adults (and SO many people can't), a marriage counselor can be like a disinterested 3rd party or mediator to help facilitate communication. But the minute they drag out that Love Languages nonsense, I'm outta there.

I have to say that it's definitely a waste of time when your cheating BS is still lying to you and giving you phony excuses for why she had a sex toy with her at work instead of it being in the bedroom where it belongs.

My question is completely unrelated to recent events, just FYI.

I'm not a fan of therapists at all

I have liked two of my therapists very much, although I am not certain how much either one genuinely helped me.

I will definitely say that my current therapy has been extremely helpful with my depression. But, it's literally a class, where a group of us get together and there are lessons and homework and things like that.