SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting so sorry if it is a long read.

I recently discovered my wife has been having an affair. What makes it hurt even more is that it was with a close friend. We have been together for 11 years. Dated for 5 married for 6.

I had never had my suspicions that she was cheating but I did recognize that we have had problems in our relationship going well back before the affair. We would fight and argue about things like any couple but in my head the way I would handle it, showed that I cared but it didn't. Looking at it in hindsight, everything I ever did to handle our problems did the exact opposite.

This is not me putting all the blame on myself because she is to blame as well. We are a Christian family and even as Christians we have our faults.

When I first discovered it, I wanted to yell and scream and leave. I wanted to to put it on social media. I wanted to shame her and him. I had the urge to drive to his house and kill him. But something happened that kept me from doing all that. I don't know if it was conscience or God telling me that my first instincts are not going to make me feel better.

We have a son. If I had done all of those things I initially wanted to, I may have felt better for two minutes and his life would still be ruined and I cannot do that. My wife's lover has a family as well. I realized that I am not even really mad at him because I know he was struggling in his marriage as well and looking back at the problems my wife and I were having, they each found what they needed at the time in each other. I can't fault them. I'm hurt and betrayed don't get me wrong but the way I initially wanted to handle everything would ruin more lives.

I started reading. My bible, this site, Internet articles, etc. 95% of the articles I read helped me with these revelations.

Most of them said to ask yourself this question, do you love your wife? And even after all that has happened, I do. Not just as the mother of my child but as my wife. I love her more than anything and maybe that is why this hurts so bad is because of how much I love her.

They also asked, do you want to try and salvage the relationship? Yes I do. For many reasons. Our son, myself, her etc. I know that after all that has happened I can be happy with her and that she is the only one I want to be happy with.

I confronted her about it the next morning because I felt it was the best time because I had the most level head and felt I wouldn't fly off the handles. She denied it at first which is to be expected. She didn't know I had the evidence. Once she knew that I did have evidence, she opened up. Not at first because again after all of our previous quarrels, I never gave her a reason to think I cared. She could see though that this time, I did care. When she opened up, she was honest and I needed that honesty. She told me how she felt about him and I knew why she did. She said that they both knew what they were doing was wrong and several times they wanted to end it but couldn't. She was scared because she had those feelings that I never gave her and she didn't want to lose it and I understand. I don't want to lose those feelings for her either.

Just in the days after we have talked more than in the last 5 years and it made me realize how much I love talking to her and how much I hate myself that I got lazy and complacent in our relationship and not realizing that everything I have could go away. Again, not putting the blame all on myself because I know it's not. She believes all the blame is hers and it isn't. Marriage is a two way street. I have had issues in the past as well. Not infidelity in this sense but, I at times, before we were married, would go to pornography sites but then I paid for webcam sites and she found out. I know it's not the exact same but it is still betrayal to her. The porn sites didn't bother her as much as the webcam sites because that was one on one interaction and I know that hurt her. We fixed it. I had the realization that, I didn't do those things to hurt her but I did them for just selfish reasons and when she found out, it made me realize I love her more than anything and do not want to lose her.

Fast forward to the present and I am feeling those exact same things again. I don't want to lose her. That may be stupid to some people but it is how I feel. I don't need people telling me to dump her and that she never truly loved you because she did and still does. She wouldn't feel as bad as she does if she didn't. I know she feels horrible.

When we were talking about it she talked about how she can't believe she had those feelings for another man and I understand why she did. We are humans and we are flawed. We have emotions that sometimes we can't control. She says she loved him but talking to her more about it, she loved being with someone that made her feel special and made her feel loved. I was that once before for her but I stopped. I have no right to expect my wife to love me regardless if I am not showing her that love back. Again, two way street.

I even talked to the guy. He was scared I was going to kill him and didn't want to meet but we talked and it was good. That's one thing I learned is that talking about it is good. I wanted to understand his side of it and it was more of the same. He had something from her that he wasn't getting with his wife. He knows as well that he didn't do everything in his marriage to prevent what happened. He said that he had a revelation that he too loves his wife and wants to be with her more than anything. Man, I had a cordial conversation with my wife's lover. Is there a cuckhold Hall of Fame because I think I could go in it lol that's just a joke.

That is another thing I learned through all of this is that it is ok to laugh. It's corny but laughter is the best medicine. I joked with her and I joked with him.

What may have reaffirmed my commitment to my wife is that when I asked her is she would be willing to seek help and she said yes. It may not mean much to most people but it does to me.

I talked to our pastor. Told him everything. He understood the raw emotions I felt. What made me feel some comfort was when he said that even with everything, this is not impossible to fix. He said that even in our own church, there are couples that have gone through this exact same thing and it may have taken time but they fixed it and are flourishing. I know that the possibility is there that I may not be able to fix this. It may be too far gone. But for the sake of our family, we have to try.

I have done some of the other things just to get prepared like divorce lawyers, finances etc. I know all of that has to be done just as a fail safe because if we try to work it out and it doesn't, having those things in place will make the process easier.

Even if there is a 1% chance my relationship can work out, I am willing to take the chance.

I know there are going to be some people that tell me it can't and that I need to move on but that is what I don't need to hear at this moment. We are still early in this process and the only thing I know for certain is that it is going to take time and I can only go one day at a time.

Sorry for the long post but I had to get it out there.

Thank you to anyone who listens.

Sorry that you're hurting, Boomer.

While the issues with the marriage may be shared, you are not to blame for the affair. There are other ways to deal with the situation other than have an affair.

You have a noble, caring heart. Please be sure to post updates.

Wishing you well on your recovery & reconciliation.

Thank you leafields.

I know I am not to blame for the affair itself and I do have to keep telling myself that event though there are times that I feel like it is my fault.

I just blame myself for not being more involved in the relationship and not trying to fix it a long time ago.

I will post updates because it feels so good just to talk about it because it gets the emotions out and allows the healing process to begin. It is going to be a long road to recovery but I am willing to opt in and travel that road.

Sorry if you take this as being brash. That is not the intent.

you are taking way too much blame for her actions. There are no excuses to cheat period.

We are wired differently. You went from wanting to kill the other guy to joking around with him in a short period of time. You blame yourself for your wife's affair and yet, rather than trying to work it out with you, she went for another man. A 'close' friend makes it worse and the fact that he's married too makes it a triple betrayal.

I am not here to tell you to dump her (even though I have my opinions on that)because you don't want to hear that as you are hellbent on reconciling. Others will be around to help you as they have done it. That's why I will be scarce on this thread.

I will say I think you are deciding on reconciling way too quickly, your self blame has you in a vulnerable position and you are about to do the classic rugsweep.

I am sorry you are here.

And yes, you can and should blame them and hold them accountable.

I didn't see where you said if the affair has stopped and if you can verify that. The other man's wife has a right to know if she doesn't already. You should share with her the evidence that you have so she can make an informed decision.

BTW, IMO, good Christians don't cheat.

[This message edited by Western at 10:38 AM, July 26th (Thursday)]

Is the OM still a close friend? Have you put any boundaries in place to help ensure this doesn't happen again? And thirdly... how do you know the affair is truly stopped? Did you inform Om wife of what has been going on behind your backs?

I am 6+ years after discovering my wife's affair and happily reconciled. So I won't tell you to throw in the towel.

That being said, there is going to be an overwhelming amount of advice coming your way that, I can tell already, you're not going to like. Why? Because it is clear from your post that you are afraid to call a spade a spade and set out the path toward reconciliation on YOUR terms. And that is exactly the way that couples who are committed to reconciliation begin their path.

Look - first things first. The old saying is true... you are responsible for 50% of your marriage but SHE is 100% responsible for the affair. Period. So stop making excuses for her and stop blaming yourself for what you did or did not do. You were in the same marriage as her - did you cheat? No. Why? Because you have appropriate boundaries and, quite frankly, she doesn't. So the first step toward reconciliation is her understanding that with total clarity and taking immediate steps to figure out why her boundaries suck. That means independent counseling (IC) for her - not marital counseling (MC). You will work on the marriage AFTER she shows you she's willing to work on herself.

Second - you go to an attorney and you see what divorce looks like. Note, I didn't say that you file for divorce. You simply learn what things would look like financially if things go south. Because, the truth is, they often do. I know - you don't think so right now. But I guarantee you this - and, I mean, I GUARANTEE you - you do not know half the story. If you don't believe me, poke around the past dozen or so new threads here. Every single one of them will show the same thing... no wayward spouse (WS) tells the full and complete truth on discovery. So before you say, "I'd never divorce," consider what new knowledge you can live with and what you can't... because it's probable that it's what you're going to learn.

Third, with all due respect, you seem like a really nice guy. There's a book out there on pdf... download it. It's called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It's one of the staple readings posters here recommend. In short, you're going to find out a lesson that will be critical to your potential reconciliation... and that lesson is that you MUST take the bull by the horns, stop being the guy who's "nicey-nice" to everyone (including the guy who's been fucking your wife... let that sink in for a minute), and start demanding answers and change. It doesn't make you mean or a bad husband... it makes you a guy who doesn't allow himself to be pushed around. So you DEMAND no contact. She writes him a note and shows it to you and you send it together - the note is crystal clear... if he contacts her ever again, for as long as he lives, you will file a restraining order. Your wife gets no "final goodbye" and she does NOT send it herself. Then, your wife gives you the passcodes to every electronic device... phones, Facebook, email, everything. If she owns it she has complete transparency. She was going behind your back for a long time - there's a way she was doing it and it's through electronics. She gets no more secrecy.

Lastly, I know that you want very badly to make all this go away. It appears that you are more than willing to count this as a one-off and let it slide. I am telling you, as sure as I am on the other side of the internet from you, that there is going to come a time, very soon, when the anger hits. It's going to dawn on you that your wife was leading a second life. She was purposefully looking you in the eyes and deceiving you. And that anger is going to come out. From one guy to another - what you are going to remember five years from now is not whether or not you reconciled - you might. It's going to be how you handled it.

No matter what happens, you will need to live with yourself.

Be strong, brother. Infidelity is a huge trauma and it takes years to process, let alone survive.

Does the OM's wife know? There are 3 out of 4 people here that know about this. The fourth one should as well. It is not fair to her if she has not been told.

Western, it is not brash to feel how you feel about. You said yourself we are wired differently. I am choosing to handle it the way I am for what reason, I haven't a clue.

I don't blame myself for the affair. We make choices and she made that choice and that is a choice that can never be taken back. And while you are right that good Christians don't cheat, good Christians do forgive. Good Christians learn from past mistakes and choices. Is she a good Christian right now? No and she will tell you that as well. Can she become a good one? Yes. I do blame them and I do hold them accountable for not just my betrayal but his with his wife as well. There is a lot at stake. I am looking at the marriage as a whole and I know that I have blame that I want to correct and fix for the sake for my family and the fact that I do love my wife. She did try to fix it. Looking back now I recognize that she did try to fix it but I never handled it in the way it should have been handled. That's still no excuse to cheat and I am not and will not ever excuse it. I'm sorry if you felt that I am.

You are right though that it may be too early to decide to reconcile. Time is going to be the factor. Tomorrow I may feel different but right now this is how I feel.

the $1,000,000 question

Is the affair over ?

The $500,000 question

How long did it last

Finally, does the other betrayed spouse know ?

Marriagesucks,

I don't know if he is still a close friend. May not ever be again because there is always going to be what happened.

I wanted to tell his wife. I wanted her to know but for some reason I just couldn't because I wanted to focus on me and my wife.

I do know the affair has stopped.

As for everyone else, thank you for the words. Regardless of how everyone else feels, it is helping me just to hear what other people have said.

I want to say again, I do not blame myself for the affair. I blame myself for not taking ownership of the past problems that I know she tried to fix. WHen it comes to the affair that is something she takes full burden of and will have to figure out.

Western to answer your questions

1,000,000 dollar question, yes it’s over.

500,000 it was 2 years.

The other spous doesn’t know yet. He wants to own up to this and tell her because he wants to fix his relationship as well.

My wife is willing to be open and honest with me and try to earn my trust and we are doing the things for that to happen.

We are both going to IC before MC.

I know how I’m handling it baffles everyone on here but it baffles my wife and him as well. I’ve had anger issues in the past. Bad anger issues and it was expected that I would react in that way but for some reason and I can’t explain it, I’m not.

I also know that at some point I am going to blow up with anger and if I want my marriage to get better I cannot handle it the way I always used to.

It is selfish of you to not tell the OM's wife. You know something so personal about her life and she doesn't know it. She should know this and by not telling her you are becoming complicit in the deception of this woman. You don't know but this man may have more than one GF out there. He is putting the his wife's health at stake and you are helping. Also, and this has been shown here over and over, the best way to ensure that the OM doesn't pick back up with your wife is to keep him pretty busy at home. Tell the woman.

I'm going to address something else though that I think points out how not in reality you are. You do not categorically state that the OM is out of your life forever and are still unsure if he is a close friend. That is not normal thinking. This man slept with your wife. Do you know how many times? How long was this going on? There is no way that he should ever be a part of the lives of either of you again. The fact that you can't see that tells me that you need to get counseling for you. Your reaction to all of this is just "off".

Lastly as to forgiveness and Christianity. You say that you should forgive as a Christian and follow the example of our Lord. He specifically asked us to do this so of course I agree. But forgiveness does not mean that we have to stay in a relationship that is painful. We can forgive, as in not hold a grudge and not hate, but I don't think we have to stay in abuse and think about what the Lord said to the woman that was going to be stoned for adultery. He forgave her and then said "Go and sin no more." Forgiveness was not a blank check. She had to stop doing what she was doing. Has your WW committed to sinning no more? Do you even know the extent of her sin and what all you are forgiving?

I think I am also realizing that maybe I just am not ready to post on here.

I still appreciate the words that everyone has said and I know that there is support but I think maybe it is still a little too soon for some things.

I think I am also realizing that maybe I just am not ready to post on here.

You should stick around. I know that the advice can come fast and furious and maybe you don't want to hear some of it but it all comes from a place of love. People here want to help and if you look around at the stories here you will see patterns to all of this that veterans recognize and cut right to the chase on. Everybody that posts here tries to help. Sometimes it can seem that they are not compassionate but I think it is just the nature of the media.

When I say your reaction is "off" and others ask where your anger is it is because we know it is coming and we are trying to help you prepare for it. Good luck and God Bless. I hope that you find peace and a fulfilling life. Stick around if you can. You will actually get help here.

Thank you.

I too am perpelexed as to how I’m feeling.

I am going to stick around but I may not post as much. I’ll give updates and I do know that everyone here wants to help and they are sincere and I appreciate the community for being there for me.

How long was the affair for, Boomer ?

Beenthere is right. Inform the OM's wife

Boomer45 I'm sorry you're going through this, however if you're seeking advice we need more info, you need to understand that SHE GOT CAUGHT, she even denied, that means she wanted the a to continue (maybe still does), so right now most likely what she's feeling is REGRET not REMORSE at least not yet. Could you share some more important details so that we have a better idea or your situation:

1) Does she want to reconcile with you ?

2) How long was the A going for ?

3) Have you had her checked for STD's.

4) Has she written a timeline of the A including where they had sex and if they did it on your marital bed ? any inside jokes about you ?

5) Have you DEMANDED full access to all electronic devices, social media, and email account passwords ?

6) Has she written a NC email to OM in your presence stating there's to be no more contact ever with no final goodbyes or affection on it ?

7) Have you EXPOSED them with OBS (other betrayed spouse) ? She will be a 2nd set of eyes to make sure NC is enforced.

8) Have you EXPOSED them with family and friends ? As thrive in secrecy. At least both of your parents need to know, they will eventually forgive her too.

Those are basic things that have PROVEN to be effective for a succesful R.

If you're still hellbent on rug sweeping and doing it "your way" thinking your case is unique and special, that's your choice but you may be up for a rude awakening in the future. As follow a similar script, hundreds of cases on this site prove it, I recommend you read some of the stories here and I guarantee sometimes you will feel you're reading your own. Good luck and keep posting.

Boomer45, please keep posting, this is a critical time and I guarantee you this is one of the best sources of advice you can find with hundreds of cases under the belt. Advise may seem harsh at times but it's not to make you feel bad, you're in the fight of your life and you cannot afford to disarm, SI is a great weapon, post often so that you can get real time advise on how to proceed, and yes if you do one thing: Tell OBS, that's one of the most powerful weapons at your disposal, do it TODAY, OM will most likely throw your wife under the bus (typical) on a desperate attempt to save his own skin. Please answer our questions so that we have a better idea of the situation, don't feel shame about it, everybody here has been a victim of infidelity in one way or another, we're here to help you, it's like a desease, if the doctor does not know the extent of it, the doctor cannot implement the best cure.

Hi Boomer,

If you want a fresh example of why you tell the OM's wife take a look at Omega's thread which is active on the first page right now. He found out his wife was in an A recently. The wife of the OM had known for the past TWO YEARS! She had not told him. She had probably been assured that his wife was going to tell him, that they didn't need to ruin someone else's life, any and all of the excuses that you may have heard or will hear. But by not telling him when she found out the A was allowed to continue for two more years. Don't let that happen. Tell the woman. Don't tell your wife or the OM you are going to do it. Just do it.

How long was the affair for, Boomer ?

Boomer noted to Western that the A was 2 years.

That's a long time. I can only imagine how hard that must be for you to digest.

It's sad, because IMHO, it would have continued for goodness knows how long if they were not caught by Boomer.

We're here for you, and understand you're feeling super sensitive so some advice is hard to hear. I understand, BTDT. Take what you need and leave the rest, but save it for later, k?

Sending you strength...

Lala