SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out that my husband of 29 years was having a 6 year affair. He says it is over but I do not trust him. Any advise

I am so sorry you are here. There's a forum on this site called I can relate and a section for long term affairs. It will help you to see other people know and understand what you are experiencing. My husband also had a long term affair. I'm so sorry for all the pain and emotions I know you are feeling. Other members will come along and post some great advice.

I believed my husband at first that it was over. I was too trusting. They use trickle truth and only give you bits and pieces of the whole story. Virtual hugs to you.

I’m so sorry Allstate,

This is going to be quite a ride. Your world has just turned upside down and you are most probably in shock. Although all affairs are terrible, a LTA is a special kind of beast.

Don’t make any decisions yet. Step back and go into self preservation mode. Take care of you and your children if you have any.

Your H may be telling the truth that it is over, but many do not. And no, you shouldn’t trust him yet. He has shown that he is capable of a deceit like no other and he has hurt you profoundly. You need support and he needs help also.

If there is any chance of forgiveness on your part, (and forgiveness of this magnitude should not be given easily) you will need to know just what you are forgiving. In other words, he needs to come clean about everything and answer any and all questions that you need to ask.

There is no quick fix here, and you are at the beginning of a long rollercoaster ride. Many people have reconciled after a long term affair, but it is not easy. And it often gets worse before it gets better.

My advice, from personal experience, is not to let him off the hook too quickly. Let him see that he has selfishly and cruelly destroyed your marriage and your trust. If you are to give reconciliation a chance, he had better make it worth it for you to go through this hellstorm.

We are here to help you. Again, I am so sorry that you had to find us.

Oh my gosh you have just been blindsided and dealt a traumatic blow.

First suggestion is to not make any serious major decisions like Divorce (D) or Reconciliation (R) or Separation (s) right now.

Second - consider a counselor just for you. Not marriage counseling. Someone who can help you while you are on the emotional roller coaster of infidelity.

Third - in the upper left corner of SI is the Healing Library. There are tons of good posts and articles and links you can access.

Fourth - understand that you will have anger and rage and periods of tears and possible depression. It is normal. It is expected.

Fifth - do not let him blameshift. That is where he blames you for the A. He CHOSE to cheat. He did not cheat for any other reason other than his selfishness. He May saythings like “we were disconnected” or “you didn’t support me” or “you changed”. Blah blah blah. Make no mistakes 🤪- cheaters will try to blame the Betrayed Spouse (BS) as much as possible.

If you need distance from him right now that is ok. Take a walk or leave for hours or a day. If it needs to be longer then that is ok too. He can find another place to stay.

Others will be here about what to expect down the road. Just know ALMOST ALL cheaters lie. They never (almost never) give you 💯% of the truth. The truth trickles out like a slow drip faucet. FYI some cheaters will not admit to anything you do not have proof of - like emails or texts etc. many swear “no sex” which is not true in many cases.

I just want you to be aware of what you MAY be facing.

Please continue to post on this thread do we can help you and support you. We are all victims and survivors of infidelity.

We can provide practical advice based on our experiences. Some D. Some R. Some live in limbo until they decide.

The point is the members have been through it and we want to help you. With any questions you have. No matter what.

Prayers to you - you are st the beginning stages and it is tough. Just get through the day the best you can!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:17 PM, July 29th (Sunday)]

Thank you for all of your support. He says it is over and is seeing a counselor. I asked him to leave since my children 22 and 21 are to upset.It is very confusing since he also claims she was extorting him by threatening to tell me but I find that hard to believe for 6 years. I have also seen his counselor and he believes my husband's story.

Any thoughts?

How would you describe your marriage? Lots of passion, sex, intimacy, love? Are you two in love?

In other words, is this marriage worth saving?

A LTA for 6 years is tough, because it shows he did indeed not love you. He loved someone else but was too much of a chicken shit to end it with you and split everything 50/50.

Have you exposed to everyone?

Is the other OW (Other Woman) married or in another relationship? I'm guessing yes if she held on for this long without him leaving you. Make sure you expose to EVERYONE. It will help end the affair and give them consequences for their actions.

Keep posting.

Yes, everyone knows about the affair. She was going though a divorce when they started the A and they work together. He asked to be reassigned at work so he will not see her. He says he will do anything to save the marriage. Before the A started, we were drifting apart and then he became real distant even when I tried to reconnect. He said the guilt of the A kept him distant.

Hi Allstate

Sorry you had to find us. You have received some great advise.

My H of 25 years had a 2+ year affair so I understand a bit of what you are going through.

You are in shock. There are some things you need to do to take care of you.

1) Get tested for STDs— full panel. And dont have sex with him until he also does and SHOWS you the results. Sorry, but we learn that cheaters are really really good liars. :-(

2) Eat healthfully. If you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. Drink lots of water. (Crying is suprisingly dehydrating!) and avoid alcohol. Exercise — get out and walk, run, go to the gym or Zumba or whatever you enjoy. This will help in lots of ways. Sleep. If you are having trouble (and many of us do), talk to your doctor. You need a clear head to deal with this, and these steps really will help.

3) See a lawyer ASAP. This is to understand your rights and options. You don’t have to Divorce him today, but it is powerful to understand where you would be legally in the event of a D.

4) Enlist someone IRL to talk to as well as IC. You need understanding outlets.

5) Keep posting. It is a good outlet as well.

How did you find out? How is he treating you? Does the AP partner’s spouse know (OBS)? If not, tell him without warning your WH. Was she a coworker? Tell us more details and it will help us guide you.

This is so hard— we know. Hang in there and trust that one way or another you will be okay.

Hugs to you Allstate (((Allstate))). <<<those are hugs!

A LTA for 6 years is tough, because it shows he did indeed not love you. He loved someone else but was too much of a chicken shit to end it with you and split everything 50/50.

I have to disagree with Guy in C

An LTA doesn’t mean that he loved someone else. In fact the disrespect he has shown you as well as the other woman by using you both, shows he loved no one but himself.

The difference is that he owed the OW no respect anyway. He owed it all to you

I am so sorry you are going through this. My x had an affair for 2.5 years. When you find out your WS has been unfaithful, then everything you believe is totally shattered. And you have to rebuild the world. The fact that you weren’t expecting it, that it wasn’t part of your assumption about how a relationship operates, causes traumatic reaction.

Someone having a long-term affair is leading a double life. Then you find out all that was going on in your WS life that you knew nothing about: Gifts that were exchanged, poems and letters that were written, trips you thought were taken for a specific reason were actually taken to meet the affair partner.

To find out about all the deception that occurred while you were operating under a different assumption is totally shattering and disorienting. That’s why people then have to get out their calendars and go back over the dates to put all the missing pieces together: when you were going to the drugstore that night and you said your car broke down and you didn’t come home for three hours, what was really happening? It helps you heal though.

It’s up to your WS to help you learn how to trust again. Includes little things like calling you when he says he is going to. His main job during this process is to be dependable, consistent, responsive and comforting. As for you, you have been through this before an should know what signs to look for -things like carrying his phone everywhere, changing passwords, making excuses to leave the house, lying.. are no longer acceptable.

I am in the same situation. Just found out 3 weeks ago that my husband of 24 years has had a 6 year affair. It has blindsided me and my 2 girls who are 21 and 19. I am still numb and trying to process all this. I have asked him to move out to give us some space as I am an emotional wreck and find seeing him too difficult. He says A is now over and he wants to R but willi I ever trust a thing he says again? It wouldn’t be over if I hadn’t found out and confronted him. I am seeing a counselor and am getting him to see a psychologist as he has lots of issues including alcohol. We have told our families and a few other people. Our marriage had gotten very stale and although we enjoyed each other’s company a lot when on holidays and on evenings out (when he would be drinking) our home life has been unhappy for a while as he has been grumpy, angry and depressed.

Does marriage counseling help?

Typically the suggestion is for individual counseling first for you to process the pain and trauma and for him to address why he cheated and fix what was lacking in his character so that he becomes a safe spouse so that he does not cheat again. Then marriage counseling to address other marital issues such as communication, etc. The only situations I have seen on here with positive results is when the MC has a background in infidelity counseling and knows how to assist the spouse that cheated into owning what the did and doing the work to change their thoughts, beliefs, and behavior.

We have seen far more disastrous results where blame was shifted to the marriage or the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse did not address what enabled them to cheat.

MC has its place. But, it is after each of you has healed individually and can work on the marriage.

One other suggestion I have is that he allow you to communicate with his IC and you have access to the ICs findings and input to help you know what you are dealing with. Many WSs will lie to their Therapist and minimize their actions until they get it.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:25 PM, July 29th (Sunday)]

Hi Allstate,

I am so very sorry your WH has done this to you. LTAs are just awful. My WH has been in one for three years (but I suspect his closet is chock full of skeletons).

If they work together, the A is going to continue. Do not for one minute believe otherwise. Get yourself tested for STDs and make him sleep elsewhere for now. Do not make the same mistake I did and immediately forgive him.

The other posters gave you some great advice. Please read and post often.

As 1stwife said, don’t feel like you have to make a decision right away, but start getting your ducks in a row. See an attorney — in fact see several (the best in town). Get into your finances and make sure your WH hasn’t been moving large sums of money. Ask him point blank if he has been supporting her, loaning her money, or if he signed any leases or loans for her. Check your 401, investment accounts, etc. If he starts balking about finances and disclosure then you will know something is up. Don’t assume “he would never” because a lot of us thought that too! Call your credit card companies and order new cards. Have them put additional security passcodes on your account. Call a PI and have them run a background check on OW.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. This is a horrible, horrible trauma and you need to practice good self care. Do you have a close friend or family member that you can lean on? That is essential.

Also, some of the best advice I was given was to make your mantra “I didn’t cause it and I can’t control it.”

Keep posting. You have come to the right place.

Hi. My husband had (2) 4 year LTA at the same time, if that makes sense. It is devastating and revolting and stomach turning to have this revalation. I am so sorry.

The thing about these Lta is, they had some love for each other. They learned each other's bodies as well as ours, or better. It's really, really hard to get over, because the liars tell you that they have told you the truth, but they haven't.

Marriage counseling too early is a bad idea. Absolutely get yourself a top notch therapist for YOU, someone who has a lot of experience with infidelity, marriage, and perhaps addiction, because a long term affair has addictive elements in it and you need help to understand what you've been dealing with. Make appointments for "get to know you" sessions with two or three therapists and pick one to stick with. Go weekly. Really good therapists may have very full schedules so just start making the earliest appointments you can find.

A good therapist can help you make sense out of an extremely disorienting discovery, where nothing you thought was true turns out to in fact be true.

After you've been in therapy for at least 6 weeks you will know more about whether you even want to try marriage counseling.

Your MC should not be your IC.

If your WH doesn't get himself into therapy also this tells you tons about his interest in saving his marriage.

Don't make his therapy appointments for him. He has to carry his own weight, and you get to watch him do it. His willingness to OWN what he did and take responsibility, to research, read, learn, and get help, will show you how much chance you have of a happy future with him. He has to do the work, you can't reconcile with somebody who isn't willing to shoulder the heavy consequences of his really poor choices.

Allstate,

My sincere thoughts and love flow to you, the beginning of realization sucks, for lack of better terms.

The ONLY thing I can promise you is that you have come to the right and perfect place.

Not only will this amazing family give you tons of love and respect ( that you might feel you've lost for your self because of others, these people will love on you and then pick you up to point you in the "right" direction you deserve to be headed.

Remember this: You are just as beautiful, strong, and powerful as you knew you were the day before your Significant O decided to fill their own ego and eff around, just for someone who will feel sorry for themselves. In other words: give in to "my spouse doesn't love/cherish me, oh poor me" that cheating lovers deliver to, well. their lovers.

You, yes, you, deserve: .D.E.S.E.R.V.E to be cherished, loved and adored.

[This message edited by changeneeded at 12:38 AM, July 30th (Monday)]

Hi Allstate

I can’t imagine your pain. I went crazy after I found out about his affair which was short relative to your WH.

My FWH had a short affair that I think was longer because the information I found goes beyond his dates. It was the worst thing in my life it completely ruined everything about my life. It made clearer his other EA and now I question those after info he spoke to this SOW.

I can tell you honestly after 6 years I can’t forgive him and wish I would have separated just to get away from His lies. My DD suffered watching the hell he put me throw and all of the TT. It destroyed us both. She now detest all men and pushes people back when they get close.

Don’t let him do that to your girls.

I wish you the best.. ask him to leave for now so you can get yourself clearheaded. And see a lawyer ASAP. Don’t let him sweet talk you or be persuaded by what he says. I wish I would have left and wouldn’t be in the boat I’m in now. He wants to stay in the marriage but I don’t trust him. More debt I’m still The breadwinner and DD is barely surviving and doesn’t want us to split up because we’ll They are our kids. They can’t stand their parents not being together. Though I tell her that’s not a reflection on her she’s our beautiful baby. Ugh I hate cheaters.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 12:39 AM, July 30th (Monday)]

I'm so terribly sorry for this hurtful news. Of course you are not going to trust him at this point. No one can tell you what to do, but consider that you were married 29 years. If he is serious about wanting forgiveness and saving the marriage, then you will see the changes in him. Please seek counseling for yourself and the marriage.There are some excellent resources(No Soliciting) that might be of helpto you right now. Step back a minute, take a deep breath and pray for God's guidance. Remember that you are a wonderful creation deserving of all dignity and a strong women. I will be praying for you and the marriage.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:47 PM, July 30th (Monday)]

Thank you all for your words of support. I am still processing all of this. He wants to R but I am not sure what I want to do. I did see a lawyer and if I choose that path I know what to expect. Has anyone R with any success?