SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife had a four month long affair. She says she ended it because she got bored of the relatioonahip and the sex. Is this common ? Plausible ? Probable lie ?

I've heard of it before from friends. Usually it's "too much trouble/drama" to continue, too much work for the sex, or, they have a new AP and are moving their time to that one.

I'd say "plausible". Was she lining up another AP, that would be the next question I'd ask.

RideItOut-

I seriously doubt she would tell me if she was lining up her next AP.

I think she may have taken everything she could from him and ended it. Then she confessed to me to clear her conscious. I reacted far worse than she suspected. I burned down the house. Now she regrets the affair because we barely talk and she lost quite a few friends and her relationship with my family. She even lost the respect of her family including her parents. Her sisters who were very close to her don't respect her and turn her the cold shoulder.

Now I am in a strange position. My wife is in serious pain because she lost most of the relationships in her life to one degree or another and she feels the pain of loneliness so she turns to me since I am her husband. I do feel sorrry for her but I also hate her for destroying me and our marriage.

Indeed that was my story. I had enough. There were no new adventures to be had. It was time to get back to W.

I've read that somewhere. Something about the natural course if A is undiscovered to fizzle out around 3 or 4 years. That doesn't explain your WW's 4 month. It also doesn't explain LTA's of 10, 15 years and more. Perhaps it's the majority with lots of exceptions.

In my WW's case I think the adultery was a project. At 4 years she got a new project that occupied her attention which was settling up a whole new rural program delivery system with new field analysts that she interviewed, hired, trained and then supervised from a remote to HO office. Her AP stayed at HO and had to ask her if it "was over" to which she said it was. Poor sucker didn't know he was expendable. He thought he was in control.

MMIW,

I guess it would depend upon the reason she was having her affair.

If she cheated because she craved attention, maybe that AP's attention grew old. If she cheated because she wanted sex with someone else, maybe the sex got old. It's possible she got bored with her AP, but that shouldn't give you any comfort. If she doesn't figure out and address the reasons she chose to have an affair, she will cheat again.

Right now she needs to be figuring out her "whys." Figuring out what allowed her to break her vows and betray you. Is she in individual counseling working on that? Is she doing any work towards that end?

I would suggest that you focus less on why she ended her affair, and more on having her figure out why she was able to make the decision to have an affair.

Lucky-

How long did your affair last before getting boring ?

Did you break it off as soon as you got bored or keep it going ?

Did the sex get boring too ? How long did it take for the sex to get boring ?

My wife knows I am deeply concerned that she had great sex with her AP so I suspect she is using the "boring" story to decrease the impact of the affair on me.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 3:53 PM, July 30th (Monday)]

GettingOverIy

She is not in IC.

We have not done much to process her affair. I am still not sure if I want to be married to her anymore. I mostly avoid her and talk to her as little as possible.

She tries to talk to me. I answer a couple of her questions and ask her to leave me alone.

She wants to make it up to me and be a better wife. She asks me how she can show me she wants this marriage. I don't usually respond with a coherent answer because I don't have one.

It is very hard to believe my wife wants this marriage if she spent four months fucking another man.

I have concerns in her statement that you haven't mentioned.

1) She ended it because she was bored. I would think you would be insulted by her reasoning for ending the affair.She's basically saying, it was because of HER being bored with HIM that stopped the affair. Another way of putting it is, her love or care for you and YOUR feelings had no influence on the affair ending. None! Not only were you not thought of when she started it and maintained it, but ALSO when ending it!!!!!

2) If she's bored of the relationship AND sex with him after 4 months, what does that say about the relationship and sex she has with her husband that I presume has spanned years. Is she bored of the relationship and sex with you also, and is that her coping method?

3) If boredom of sex and the relationship is the reason for starting and ending the affair, she's a candidate for having another affair after her shame subsides. Hence, you have to determine if she's a reconciliation candidate, which is a decision that takes a few weeks or months to happen.

Your assessment of her remorse and helping you recover from her affair is the determining factor along with you deciding if you're capable of living with an unfaithful spouse. There's no X-Unfaithful spouse. You can speak of her in past tense, but she will hold the unfaithful spouse title for life. You have to accept this fact.

Some can't live with it after trying and thinking they can. They live in turmoil, anguish and indecisiveness for years and grow resentful for wasting time when they should have pulled the plug early.

Others are able to live with it and move on. Everyone's different here. There's no right or wrong. You only have to be true and real with yourself. That's all that matters. Can't fool yourself here. This part is on you, not her.

Minnesota anInWI:

Yeah, I agree with Jorge. Your WW says she ended her A because she was bored with it, not because she felt guilt or shame; not because she felt it would destroy you or your M;

I would ask her if she hadn’t bored with her A would she still be fucking the guy? Sounds like the answer is probably yes. You need to discuss this.

MMIW,

Honest question. Why haven't you filed for divorce?

Her affair may be a deal breaker for you, which is absolutely fine. If that is the case, what holds you back from divorcing her?

I think you need to spend some time thinking about this for yourself. It sucks that you are in this position, but figure out what it is that you want. Once you have decided, then act.

I'm sorry you have to be here. It sucks right now, but when you decide what you want and start working for that, your life will begin getting better.

My wife said it was getting to be a hassle, but didn't use the word boring. I believe it would have had a slow fizzle or become a long, drawn-out once or twice a year thing -- eventually -- had I not discovered the affair. She said she wanted to end it, but thought it would just end on its own without her having to end it definitively (cowardly). She said was tiring of the traffic and the hassle to see her ex, and she said her ex hadn't changed a bit since they parted a couple years before we met: her old habits and issues were still there, if not worse (family drama extraordinaire!) Her ex and her affair were just time-fillers for her boredom after being off work for a work-related injury. She literally had turned to the only friend who was available, non-confrontational, who would not judge her or push her to "do the right thing" and who she knew was down with irresponsibility.

My wife knows I am deeply concerned that she had great sex with her AP

How do you know this? Did she tell you or is it an assumption?

Jorge-

I agree -her love and care for me had no bearing on stopping her affair. I don't think she loved me for one second while she was fucking another man.

I agree with your implication that she is bored of sex with me and is probably bored of our relationship but I do think she had an epiphany along the lines of "you don't know what you have until it is gone" She may be bored with our sex life but I always make sure she has an orgasm. She may be bored with our relationship but I am a very good provider and companion who does show her respect and consideration and lets her have her way most of the time.

I am not sure I want to stay married to her so I am

Not getting to involved in recovery stuff yet.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 5:47 PM, July 30th (Monday)]

Fareast-

I agree- if he was still giving her excitement and thrills she would still be going back.

GettingOverItAll

I don't want to file for divorce because I don't want to loose half my stuff.

I could retire in five years with her. If I loose half my stuff my retirement plans change considerably.

Jorge-

I don't know if she had great sex with her AP. I am simply insecure about that topic. The idea of my wife having sex with another man is a nightmare. The idea of her having great sex or the best sex of her life with another man is even worse.

I asked her how good the sex was and she said it was average at first then got boring. I don't believe her. I think she is trying to appease me and stay married to me.

No woman is going to tell her husband that her AP was awesome sex or the best sex of her life.

How do you know it was she who finished the A?

Could other complications (he was getting "heavy"/wanting commitment she wouldn't give etc.) have reduced the fun of illicit sex?

The reading I did suggested that the dopamine etc, rush slows disappearing altogether after about six to twenty-four months for most As. If the sex was truly unexciting four months to "it isn't worth the effort" would be unusual but maybe not impossible.

Personally I’d say your wife’s thought that she was bored in 4 months to be a stretch. My entire A was 3 years. 2 before we got physical. One whole year of PA. That was plenty.

WW's always minimize the quality of A sex. "He was small." "He came too soon." "I didn't really enjoy it." Yeah, that's why you kept going back to fuck him, because it was worth lying to me, sneaking around behind my back, and figuring out all kinds of sneaky ways to fuck a dude with a little dick who came too soon and never let you enjoy the sex. Makes total sense that you would betray your marriage for that.

Seems more likely he dumped her.

By the way, one good way to figure some of it out is to contact the BOW and compare notes about what you know and what she knows.