SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It truly amazes me what the human brain can remember and what it forgets. My wayward wife can remember who gave us a wedding gift of approximately 33 years ago but she has forgotten the name of her paramour.

She was shocked to learn of the videos, photographs, and messaging obtained while I was undergoing long-term Medical Care. She busted out crying and left the preceding when questioned by my attorney. It seems my attorney can be more difficult than even I thought.

I think she was a betrayed spouse from some of our conversations and her unique approach to infidelity. She is very different when handling such matters. I asked her if it was a professional approach or courtroom theatrics. She said something in her triggers from her past. She said it is to painful to talk about. I said I understand.

Her interrogatories and depositions are ruthless in such matters as is her approach in proceedings.

My attorney stated she guessed some of us cannot handle who and what we are when my wayward wife left. Then she made her motions and so far rulings have been favorable.

My attorney is very fair and thorough. I like this about her. If an asset has increased $0.10 then I must give $0.05 to my wife. But, I will be doing very well because of my attorney and her knowledge about divorce. I will sleep well knowing I am doing the right thing in the right way.

I do not feel my wayward wife thinks the adultery was worth it at this moment anyway.

I have a feeling things will start to get settled before additional proceedings. I do not think my wayward wife will be able to hold up when my attorney goes over adultery related expenses.

I know many feel reconciliation is a harder path out of infidelity than divorce. I have not attempted this journey but it has been a long two years and is not over yet. Divorce has been very difficult for me. It does not seem easier to me but I have no basis of knowing.

I know my wayward wife feels it would be easier to reconcile. Her very nice lifestyle is gone. She now may have to work. She has not done the hard work required to heal that which seems very broken as required in reconciliation. She probably associates divorce in comparison to rug sweeping. Reconciliation is not an option when shame and guilt prevent you from remembering the name of the paramour. Memory of a wayward spouse is amazing.

My wife wishes she would have conducted herself differently and not engaged in adultery. She also wishes she would have been honest and transparent early on instead of deploying acts associated with cognitive dissonance and various techniques deployed by wayward spouses to avoid the truth.

Her world is very different when the rainbows have given way to the damage from flash floods, the Garden of Eden now is a dust bowl, and the unicorn has given way to a broken plastic cup on the head of a jackass.

It feels good to be finally scrubbing the tar-like sickening stench of infidelity off of me.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 1:50 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

I am glad your attorney is a bulldog when it comes to infidelity. I hope it is over for you soon.

Your attorney is amazing. Her motivation must come from some infidelity-related trauma at some point in her life. And isn’t it sad that your long term partner clung to her false pride and her selfish senseof entitlement so long that it has become her downfall. She will probably blame every one but herself for her decisions. And so it goes. Good luck Ripped.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:28 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

I think my attorney may eat breakfast with werewolves in the morning. Bulldogs are not nearly as tough. A tiger may be a fitting description.

I have struggled with this as my WW is the same. Can remember all the good stuff but none of what she did.

I have come to the conclusion that she is either lying about that and possibly there is more so is terrified of being caught out by giving wrong information (likely). Or that some people are so good at compartmentalising that they just throw away the key to those memories and bury them so deeply, it's hard for them to get them back.

In my case I believe a bit of both. I think when she realised I was not going stop asking, she set up a story, got it straight in her mind and that's that. No more, no less, that's that. I have never got any more detail than on Dday. OM claims he never even knew her!!!! How fucked up are these people?

In the end I begged her for truth and she said she felt ill. I didn't get it at the time but she didn't tell me until the next afternoon. She didn't blurt it out. She got her story straight in her head and it was something she thought I would be able to get over and that everyone else would not think too bad. She was mostly right on the second part.

FarEast you have great insight. My wayward wife is already blaming me in how things are proceeding.

I am selfish and unforgiving. Her infidelity somehow seems to play a miner roll when in conversation with her friends. They see very little wrong with what she did. Yet, they have already attempted to communicate with me about dating, Etc. I hope I never have friends such as these.

It should be noted that I provide housing and support for my mother-in-law. This will be changing as she is an enabler and I need a complete break from all the drama.

Ripped... your attorney sounds amazing, not surprised you sleep well knowing she has your back. Funny how quickly cheaters start to feel sorry for themselves when the rug is pulled out from under their feet and the the betrayed starts to take back some control. It sounds as though things are progressing well for you, and that’s so good to hear!

Ripped62:

Thanks, its a gift. Unfortunately the gift of insight is only earned through bitter experience. It doesn’t just fall from the sky.

Geez, your dating comment made me snort my afternoon tea!

Yikes, what great friends to have.

Someone recently asked me to identify one demonstrable thing that my fWW demonstrated after her A and after I decided to drop the D, which led me to believe that R had a chance, as compared to her pre A behavior and demeanor.

The answer was easy: Humility.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:06 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

Ripped. I am sure you are wise enough and you may have connections with some of those 'friends' but you know not to go there?

I got direct offers from some of her best friends. You will never know if they are just callous bitches or you are being set up.

Stay low dude.

Lawyerman I have given this much thought. I think sometimes wayward spouses cannot accept what they have done and the corresponding shame and guilt. They are not able to be forthcoming because it would be an admission of actions they cannot accept or realizing they are someone they cannot come to grips with.

They seem to be unable to utter the unspeakable. They cannot go into the deep recesses of their psyche and face what they did and who and what they have become. They lack the strength of character to be open and honest despite the harm their denial causes. They place such items in a compartment or far away in their subconscious where they do not have to address the betrayal and devastation of their actions.

Guilt that would produce confession in me produces vigorous denial in my wayward wife.

My wayward wife will tell you there is no way her acts (she cannot say adultery or betrayal) harmed me like I say it did or she saw in my anguish.

She has told others she only went to dinner or at worst a date.

She tried to tell people I was bipolar or had a mental breakdown. She forgot to state that I was grieving her betrayal and death of a wonderful marriage to a wife I once loved with all my heart.

She will never be able to say "I had sex with XYZ while married." She cannot say "I committed adultery or infidelity" even knowing a tremendous amount of evidence proves otherwise.

This is a place she cannot go.

It would not matter if divorce were off the table or after the divorce is finalized and we attempted to find a way forward to have open and honest communication in order to heal for the benefit of our adult children.

I think in her world if she says it did not happen 3 times and clicks her heals it all goes away. If you post it on social media it is the truth. She cannot fathom why I am so flawed that I cannot get over it. (She will never say what it is.)

Cognizant dissonance, entitlement and resentment is very strong in her.

Lawyerman,

Thanks for the heads up and reinforcement. This is very good advice.

I try to live my life in an authentic fashion. I think at least one of her friends was fishing for her.

My adult children have been very relieved at how I have conducted myself. I sought to be an example to them regarding this matter. They have been through enough. I have tried to be a safe harbor and remain a source of strength for them. They needed me and I was there for them.

**************************************

My attorney told me early on that she filed for adultery as the grounds for divorce and that means until the paperwork is final. She expects exemplary behavior and if I am with another woman on a date the grounds and potential settlement immediately change accordingly. She wants nothing to "muddy the water." In our jurisdiction you have to be above board if assets are on the line and settlement issues are impacted by adultery.

Her boundary was meet for lunch only with a lady in a very public restaurant or be in groups for other activities with plenty of witnesses. There is to be no taking home or picking up ladies.

If I could not reflect this standard then the paperwork would be modified and other grounds utilized.

*************************************

I have also met the PI employed by my wife while I was out to dinner with my adult children.

You and she both know what you are talking about.

Thanks Dragonfly123,

Yes, my wife just prior to being served divorce papers and during her affair was ruthless and entitled. Now she is a very sad sight and looks as if she is lost and searching.

I hope she gets the help she needs and becomes the person she should have been. If she does not then at least she will be out of my life while in the land of the paramour. I can move forward and thrive once again without her as an anchor. (Thanks Skan for the metaphor.)

Please note, I think many times I am doing well and then I loop back. But, I feel the healing. I feel I am getting the chains of infidelity off of me that have weighed me down for so long.

For the first time in two years I feel I can put up my mask that hides the pain.

Someone said healing is like the scribblings of a toddler....but you are proud to put it on the fridge anyway.

This is where I am at. I am making no promises. Tomorrow I may be triggered and need a hug. I may send you one. It has been a long day.

(((Dragonfly123)))

This one is for caring!!!

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 4:49 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

TrustGone,

Thank you. Your strength and support mean a lot as I wondered aimlessly around SI at first trying to process my world being blown to hell.

I was doodling not my monkey, not my circus on a legal pad when trying not to show emotion. I look forward to when my wayward wife swings in another tree. I guess in one sense she has. My wayward wife just comes back to eat the fruit in mine.

I love my lawyer...she's strong but has always been respectful to ex, but doesn't take any crap from him.

Now exs lawyer is nasty. always tries to intimidate the spouses.

He was questioning a spouse on the stand a few years ago, being his typical intimidating jerk self and the spouse came after him right there in the court room. Slugged him and knocked him out cold. Rumor has it the spouse said it was worth it.

hcsv,

I am glad you have an attorney you like. I hate when counsel is mean or abusive.

I know a few that need there butt kicked literally. They prep poorly and engage in bullying to cover for it and the weakness of their case.

My attorney understands infidelity and knows where to go to get to the truth. I enjoy her thoroughness.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 5:00 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

I know my wayward wife feels it would be easier to rugsweep

Rip, I fixed that for you

Thanks Mars,

Rugsweeping is equivalent to reconciliation in the eyes of my wayward wife. I have found this true among others of her ilk that cannot believe I equate infidelity with betrayal. In their opinion it is not for my wayward wife to be faithful rather it is something I must get over.

Toward the end my wayward wife actually seemed to be getting it and doing some of the work. By this time I was to far gone and needed out.

I am getting out of infidelity the best way I know how. I am no longer just kicking paper back and forth.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 8:54 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

Sounds like you are doing OK Bro. I got a direct offer from her 'best friend' about 2 days after she left here. She came to pick some stuff up and propositioned me. Known this girl for nearly 30 years! I was shocked and I bet it was a set up. WW's best friend!

Fortunately I have set up video cameras in the house now as I was concerned about WW breaking in etc. so I have proof that she was refused.

Also had other flirty messages from some of her other 'friends'. I ALWAYS assume it's a set up.

One thing a good buddy of mine told me a while back was that you have to imagine the judge is standing right next to you all the time. 24/7. Not easy sometimes but I thought that was really good advice. Whenever you speak to somebody, send a text or email, assume that judge is right there.

[This message edited by Lawyerman at 4:39 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

And yes, you are right about acceptance. My WW can't speak it's name because what would that make her? She can't say it out loud. She just can not.

So how can you get better if you can't even accept what you have done?

Hey Ripped,

I am really sorry you are in the midst of this. I know this has been really difficult for you.

You can't successfully R with someone that doesn't own their shit ... you just can't. I am sorry your WW doesn't have the decency to be honest and remorseful. Rugsweeping at its' best.

My WH has played the same game ... rewriting history to suit him. It's just to cover their shame and humiliation -- because they are incapable of really taking a good look at themselves and their horrendous behavior.

I hope things get better for you ... 33 years is an eternity with someone.

It sounds like you have a great attorney that will help you navigate through this shit storm and protect you. Take care of yourself. ((( )))