SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can rejection of the WS in the form of the 180, getting thrown out of house, separation or divorce invoke remorse in the WS ?

You don't use the 180 and/or divorce as a gambit to induce remorse in your WW. You use the 180 to create space for yourself, so that you can clear your head and find your heart. You use D to get yourself out of infidelity.

SI has many threads where D was the result. There are many reasons. For some betrayed spouses, the simple fact of infidelity is unacceptable, and they file a D because they realize that they will not be able to look at their wayward spouse with love ever again. Spaceghost is an example of that. LtCdrLost is another.

At the other end are betrayed spouses who gave R an honest try, but ultimately realized that it was not going to work because, no matter what, every time they looked at their wayward spouse, they were triggered. Waitedwaytoolong is an example of that.

In many cases, the betrayed spouse filing D is still in love with their wayward spouse. D is not always about no longer being in love. Often, it is about minimizing pain. No matter what, though, you D because D is what you need for your healing. You don't file D as a ploy or gambit.

The 180 is to help you detach so you can take a healthy step back and see your circumstances for what they are and then make decisions that best suit you. Sometimes it will make a WS take notice and take action, but I wouldn't call that remorse. Remorse comes from within themselves, not because they're threatened with losing everything, but because they are truly sorry for the pain they've caused. Most weren't looking to lose anything by engaging in an A, quite the opposite.

ETA

I don't want my WH jumping through hoops because of an ultimatum. I want him to jump through hoops and do the work because he genuinely wants to.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 1:52 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

I believe that I did the 180 the right way, and it accomplished what I wanted it to. I essentially just lived like a single dad. For 6 months I barely even spoke to her. I just started living like a single dad. I didn’t ask her for a single thing, because I didn’t want to rely on her for anything. Did my own laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. NO intimacy of any kind. I just stopped considering her opinions about anything at all. I started working out and lost a bunch of weight. I started playing my guitar again. I made plans with friends whenever I wanted, as long as it didn’t interfere with the kids. I started taking the kids out to do fun things without her. I’m not proud of everything I’ve ever done, but I am proud of the way I handled her after DDAY.

I got myself in a good place. I felt, looked and acted better than I had for awhile. I was happier. WW was extremely remorseful right away. I remember I said something about how every decision I have made has been in the best interest of our marriage and children. That I was working to support her while she was a SAHM/college student, and while she was getting fucked by this OM. When I said that, she just completely broke down. She realized just how badly she fucked up. I’m no hero, but I definitely didn’t deserve that.

Eventually I feel like I took the 180 too far. After about a year I was so detached from her that I barely remembered she existed. I truly felt like a single man. I avoided couple oriented activities because I didn’t feel like I was part of a couple. WW begged me to have sex with her again, go on dates with her, try to do SOMETHING as a couple.

I’m now 1 year from that point. I feel like our M is pretty solid. As solid as it could be, I guess. She has the sex drive of an old nun, but I feel like she’s trying harder in that area. No matter how good things are, she will always be the one who stabbed me in the back. I don’t really say shit like that to her, but it’s the truth. I will say that we are 2 years out from DDAY, and our marriage is now better than it was before the A.

For my STBXWH, the answer would be no. The divorce and moving out certainly generated a lot of tears and self-pity, but true remorse? A full confession? And end to the defensiveness? Lol, nope.

Manipulation tactics don't get you much.

Whatever you do. Do it for yourself.

Trying to manipulate is weak behavior.

You need strength. Whichever path you choose.

You can't make someone remourseful. They either get it or they don't.

Most have regret at getting caught not remorse. That may or may not come and they are totally different.

My H had remorse st DDay2. Full remorse. But he thought he was taking his A at DDay2 to his grave.

Except I found out b/c I called the OW. And she spilled the beans.

I told him I had nothing left to give. I was worn out from his infidelity and I had to now D him. I had no choice. And he had no decision making ability or power over me. I started calling the shots.

I did the 180 for me and no one else. He needed to detach.

We have successfully reconciled and it’s been 5 years. He learned I am not a doormat and he took me for granted. Which he will never do again.

But remorse has to come from the cheater. Or else it is not true remorse. It’s just a charade to make the BS shut up and drop the issue of the A. Ask me how I know.

He was not remorseful after his first A. So he cheated again.

I think the 180 can help break the cycle of a cake eater still in an affair fog. It lets them see the beginning of what life might really be like in a divorce. Beyond that, Its all about you; to help you take a step back and decide.

I have a couple of minor suggestions involving your wife. You may be deciding, but she has work to do. If your wife is not currently doing so, you should tell her to start going to IC to find out how she could have done this to you. Secondly, you should have your wife take a polygraph. All this questioning about reconciliation or divorce is moot if this was not your wife's only affair. I know it sounds unlikely, but looking back on what happened, how unlikely did that seem 3 months ago?

[This message edited by toughtotrust at 9:42 AM, October 11th (Thursday)]

In my case, nothing invoked my XWH#2 to be remorseful. I spent 3yrs in false R, tried the 180, and eventually divorced him. Still nothing because an unremorseful spouse thinks only of themselves. They may pretend (like mine did) to be remorseful, but in the end it is only regret for getting caught. The 180 is for you, not to make the WS remorseful. Separation or divorce is also to get yourself out of infidelity. Some WS's do become remorseful after a time, but I think it's because they want their marriage, not because they were forced into it by something their BS did or didn't do.

Honestly the separation we had did invoke the only remorse I have ever seen from him. Some of it continues, but he still displays wayward thinking.

Fenderguy has the right idea, which is why it can go too far and there's nothing you can do: the 180 is about reclaiming your right to be an indivual. It's about finding yourself, not hurting your spouse. The true 180 comes from a place of building yourself up, not tearing the WS down--but the WS often sees it that way. After all, many of us were not valuing ourselves properly before dday, so watching us change has to be terrifying and shocking.

But a narcissist or cold, detached WS will not be able to thrive under the 180. So if the WS is far removed from the M for one reason or another, the 180 will do nothing other than send them running away. No ego kibbles from us, no reason to stay. But there's nothing lost here--these spouses are unremorseful and nothing will change that. These spouses were only in the marriage for what they could get from us; they had no intention of giving.

A remorseful spouse will suffer the detachment of a 180 that elevates the BS if it doesn't also attack and demean them in the process. Two spouses down in the mud spewing hatred and venom is nothing worth saving. That's a DV situation about to explode. But a true 180 brings some equilibrium back into the M like Fenderguy says, and that equilibrium is the true benefit to the M . . . not trying to hurt or change the WS. That's not the point.

Put your own oxygen mask on before you try to save anyone else--and that absolutely includes you trying to save your WS. You must put your own oxygen mask on before worrying about the M or WS.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:46 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]

The best time to bluff is with a good hand.

Doing the 180 is a very worthwhile thing to do. I believe that it has saved lives.

When you've:

1detached and have some mental and emotional equilibrium,

2are comfortable with yourself and are at a place where you know you will be ok

3. are moving ahead with your own life

That is infinitely more attractive than pining away. The key is that you have to mean all those things. Otherwise it's manipulation that will not last.

^^^^ Nailed it.