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I just recently found out my Wife cheated on me about a year and a half ago, & I need some advice.

A year and a half ago my work life was busy (working around 65 hours per week at that time), my marriage was at a point that I felt was just fine & a time that I had to work long hours and hard work to provide for my family. This also meant my time for my wife and family was of course limited, as most of it was taken up working. My work was manual labor intensive & I would come home exhausted. Apparently my wife was feeling extremely neglected emotionally by me, yet i feel she truly never communicated with any real intensity that something needed fixed. Her lack of communication has always been a sore spot of our relationship, it’s something I had pointed out needed worked on & tried to help with.

I came home one day early from work to find my kids being watched by my wife’s grandma. I asked where my wife was & her grandma told me she was out grabbing a pool with a friend who had a truck, but she had been gone for a while.

I am naive for not realizing at the time exactly what was going on (I truly believed our marriage actually meant something) & now realize I went into an immediate denial of the situation. I was still extremely confused & upset and thought it was shady as hell, but I would eventually believe her lies that it was a simple miscommunication & that he was just a friend she met at a party I chose not to go to & she forgot to tell me he was going to help her pick up a kiddie pool.

She came home with the pool and the guy came inside with her (she told me that she told him to, because she thought it would look weirder if he didn’t). He introduced himself & then she went back with him in his car so she could be dropped back off to her car to drive home.

I left the house infuriated and confused by what had happened & told her grandma I had to go back to work. I would end up calling her once she got to her car & tripped out on her about how shady it looked & how upset I was that she wouldn’t tell me about going and hanging around some guy without me knowing. She told me she didn’t love me anymore, which shocked the hell out of me/had me crying & I asked how she could let herself fall out of love with me without ever talking passionately to me or making it known that something was seriously wrong. She had no response, her communication skills are severely lacking & she shells up. She was also saying it was just a miscommunication and that he was just a friend she had met at the party and she went to his house to clean his stove...as a thank you for him helping with his truck to pick up the pool.

I thought everything was so ridiculous and shady, yet because of my love for her I chose to believe the lies. That night and the night after I explained to her how seriously I regarded our relationship & marriage, & she seemed on board and ashamed of how she let herself become apathetic without giving signs.

She told me he was just a nice guy she met at a party (3 weeks before the pool incident) for a mutual friend (I chose not to go as it was a party her ex was at & that group of friends), also I was working a ton and wanted to relax with her at home. She was mad I didn’t go to the party, but I was uncomfortable in that setting & I had expressed that to her.

I am the acting father of her & her ex’s child & actually adopted the child a month after I was unwittingly cheated on. I had always told her I would never try to stay with her if she cheated on me, because she had some weird loose relationships in the past & some people would look at what she did and say she potentially cheated. She always told me her relationship with me was so strong & that she would never even think about looking at someone else.

The next week she would go out of state to help her grandma permanently move to our city & I thought things were good between us. In my mind I had a near disaster, it was averted and we were going to build our relationship back up & stronger. In reality she kept talking to the guy for the week leading up to moving & the week of moving. She says she cut it off/ told him no more and blocked him on social media once she came back home & her time away from me made her realize how important I was to her.

Anyways how I even found out about everything recently, over a year after the events. At somewhat random times it would hit me just how unbelievable the story was and I would ask if she promised nothing had happened, she would always say yes I promise nothing happened at all etc.... except this time she said she promised it didn’t happen & I asked again, then was silent & started crying. My world turned upside down at that moment, my wife is literally the only person I have ever been close to emotionally & she betrayed me & hurt me more than anyone has ever done & did it so secretively and meticulously.

She was balling her eyes out saying how confused she was at the time & that she is positive without any doubt that I am truly what she wants & knows resolutely nothing even close to it will ever occur again.

I asked for details & more or less she told me it was a one time meeting that day & she didn’t like it & told him off as soon after it happened. I am so invested in our relationship that eventually I committed to trying to work through it & believed her sincerity & emotion/crying.

2 days later of trying to work through details & her telling me details. I remembered a night around that same time; she said she was going out with some friends & I asked what was up with that. She tried to play dumb to what I asked, but I wouldn’t back off & eventually she cracked and told me she was with him that night as well, but that was it, just that time & the other time & the sex turned from occurring just once, to being once the first get together & sex twice on the second.

I was fuming/infuriated & have never been near as upset in my life that the woman/wife who just told me two days prior a story, yet come to find out 2 days later it was all half truths & more lies. She was crying harder this time & told me she wanted to tell me but couldn’t; that it was just too awful & she wanted to die because of how awful she is. Her emotion & words seemed real.

Now I am trying to work through the new details which are definitely worse than originally told & I don’t know if I can stomach it.

She was the love of my life & the only person I was ever seriously intimately emotionally invested in. I don’t know if i can reconcile what she has done, even when she seems so sincere this time & adamant as hell nothing will ever ever happen, it’s still in the back of my mind..what if it does, also I am randomly triggered & haunted by the thought of what my wife physically did with another man while married to me.

We have a life together; marriage, memories, kids, house, accounts, business, & i know most of those things are not something you should lean on as factors to staying in a relationship. I had it occur to me recently that if it weren’t for those things listed & we were just boyfriend and girlfriend with no kids or paperwork involved, I would almost certainly not bother with trying to reconcile what she has done. On the other hand I am not 100% sure of that.

It still is haunting me, & what makes it worse is I don’t know if it will go away; that this person I devoted all my hard work to...seemingly so effortlessly lived another deceitful life before my eyes completely undetected. That and again, the thought of what my wife physically did with him while wearing the wedding ring she swore vows to me with.

I have the thought that maybe the best and healthiest thing for my psyche is to start fresh & find another partner so this doesn’t have to haunt me about the person I am with. Yet I am so reluctant to actually pull the plug and officially call the relationship off.

My mind had never comprehended the thought of seeking companionship elsewhere since the day my wife and I became serious. Unfortunately once she told me what she had done, my mind has now started to wander & look/contemplate other women. This is never what I wanted, but if me and my wife were going to be able to work our relationship out, idk how it would work with me having the thought of another woman now stuck in my head, as well as the other haunting thoughts that linger of what my wife has done.

I am seeking honest advise as to where to go from here. Do I leave her on the premise that she has already lied so massively and betrayed my trust? Or do I believe what I think is her being truly sincere & her adamant composure that it could never ever happen again?

Hugs to you (((Wellwow))). I just read your post and didn't want to just leave without giving some words of encouragement and sympathy. I am so sorry for your situation and that you had to find this place. I am very early on, but the mental abuse you are feeling today will ease up with time, be kind to yourself and no matter what, take absolutely no blame for her infidelity. This is all on her. It was not a mistake, it was a choice.

Others will be by to post better advice from years and years of experience, these are great people here. Most likely, they are going to tell you what I believe--you do not know even close to the whole truth. I am so sorry. Almost everyone here has experience trickle truth (TT) and it just keeps coming and coming.

Right now, please take some deep breaths and wait for better advice to come from SI on how to handle your WW. You do not want to misstep, especially right now. You have children and have had a bomb dropped on your family.

You are not alone. You did not cause this. Lots of hugs and prayers.

Wellwow- I think the first order of business is to get everything she has done in this area out on the table. You know she cheated and that alone is enough to leave over.

The thing is that until everything is out in the open you are going to keep going back to it. The questions you will ask yourself are questions you need to be asking her.

Forever is a long time. None of us are going to live that long. Right now you need to find a way to make peace with what has happened. It does not mean that you have to stay M or reconcile. Right now this is about dealing with something you are going to remember for a very long time.

At this point I would ask her to write a timeline leading up until the last revelation. She needs to point out what she was thinkign and feeling along with as many sex details as you think you can handle. If the time line seems to be withholding things, ask her about them. Ask her what she would be willing to do to prove to her that it is everything. You can move forward until you found a way to understand this and know as much about this as she does.

This is a long process. Right not don't make any decisions. Your mind is not in the "right" place to make those decisions. No matter what she did remember those are choices she made that reflect on her. Nothing you did or any intent, motivations or other excuses she gives you make this OK.

By the same token any actions/choices you take now, tomorrow or the day after are owned by anyone but you. I know it seems like finding another woman seems like the answer, but it is not. All it will do is make you feel lower than you stooped to a level you know is beneath you.

What has she been willing to do to heal the breach that she created. It was small before, but her choices made it much larger than it needed to be.

first get as much of the "truth" as you feel you need. Ask questions many times if it helps you. It is ok to show her how badly those choices hurt you.

Keep reading and posting. FWIW I am 7 years out from my Dday. I am happy with my life and I am still M. You will be happy again. You will not have this dominate your thoughts one day. The trick is you want to do this the hard way or the less hard way ?

The less hard way takes some work on your part, but in my opinion is well worth it.

I am sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us.

Do I leave her on the premise that she has already lied so massively and betrayed my trust? Or do I believe what I think is her being truly sincere & her adamant composure that it could never ever happen again?

Of course she'll tell you that. All cheating spouses will say that. It means nothing. It's her actions that matter. Whether she demonstrates genuine remorse and is willing to accept all do consequences is what you should base your decision on; if she hadn't said the other thing.

She told me she didn’t love me anymore.

When combined with the cheating, that's all I'd need to hear to make my decision.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:19 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

I am seeking honest advise as to where to go from here. Do I leave her on the premise that she has already lied so massively and betrayed my trust? Or do I believe what I think is her being truly sincere & her adamant composure that it could never ever happen again?

My view is like N&D's.

I think you need to know what your W is willing to do to change from betrayer to good partner. If she makes that change, I think you can have a good M. If she doesn't, I'd recommend D.

I recommend establishing requirements for R. Comon ones include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to). I think IC is where your W will be able to learn to open herself up - communicate.

IC for BS - if you think it would help you

MC - to help communications between the partners, although SIers disagree on when to start MC, if you do it at all. My take is that a good MC can help early ... but good MCs may be hard to find - or maybe it's that lousy MCs are too easy to find.

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and had to initiate sex sometimes.

I'm very sorry that you're here, brother.

The first thing you need to understand is that you only know the tip of the iceberg. It's unfortunate, but true. They had a lot of sex. As much as possible. And she never told him off afterwards.

She told you literally hundreds of lies throughout her affair. And she betrayed you thousands of times throughout the affair: every time she thought about him, texted him, called him, emailed him, smiled at him, touched him, kissed him, fucked him, every time she did anything that had even the slightest thing to do with him, she was literally choosing him over you. And it happened thousands of times.

To reconcile, you need to know what you're reconciling over. Bc if you don't know everything, and you find more out over and over and over again, it's worse than the original discovery, and that can lead straight to divorce.

The other thing you need to know is WHY the affair ended, and WHEN. It's never what they all say: that they ended it bc they realized they really loved you. It's more likely he dumped her, which makes you plan b, or they were found out by someone.

R or D, whichever route you ultimately choose, this place is the place to keep coming back to for assistance.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:33 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

Polygraph time. If you want the whole truth.

Wellwow, man this sucks!

I'm sorry you are here. You're getting good advice.

because she had some weird loose relationships in the past & some people would look at what she did and say she potentially cheated.

Can you elaborate on the above statement?

Wellwow, how are you taking care of yourself?

Are you getting any sleep?

If you're not (who can?), see your dr about getting help.

Are you eating enough? If you can't how about some protein shakes?

You need to be strong during this time. Your mind and body are going through some serious trauma right now.

Drink plenty of fluids. Stay away from the alcohol. You need a clear head right now. Alcohol is a depressant as well. I think you've got that area covered.

I mentioned seeing your dr earlier. If your having trouble with anxiety, depression, sleeping, a rash on your foot... they can help.

The most important reason to see your dr is to be tested for STDs. You both should be tested. It's a very real and dangerous thing.

Do you have anyone to confide in? My preacher and his wife were awesome. I also had several friends who had been through the same thing. In my line of work, it's common.

Keep posting here and take the advice you feel you need. It may sound harsh, but we've all got the best intentions for you.

Whenever you start to get angry and I know you will, try to find something to use that energy.

I was into taekwondo at the time. It's was very therapeutic.

Do you know if the AP (affair partner) is married or in a relationship? His wife or significant other needs to be notified. It's the right thing to do.

Keep posting. You are among friends.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:13 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]

She always told me her relationship with me was so strong & that she would never even think about looking at someone else.

she told me it was a one time meeting that day & she didn’t like it & told him off as soon after it happened.

She tried to play dumb to what I asked, but I wouldn’t back off & eventually she cracked and told me she was with him that night as well, but that was it, just that time & the other time & the sex turned from occurring just once, to being once the first get together & sex twice on the second.

Like most you can't believe anything at this time.

Check your phone bill online. You might get another surprise

Find out if he's married. If so inform his wife without any warning to your wife.

Insurance to make sure it's over and you'll find out if they are still in contact I'd bet.

I would second what Marz said, and at this point she has suffered no consequence other than hurting you. I would recommend that you ask her to leave. Say you need time to assess whether you want to be married to her. Second consequence, she has to apologize to the OBS.

Has this been exposed?

expose expose expose.

get a timeline from her. make zero decisions about your future.

make sure she is NC with the OM, expose to his wife/gf.

secure all passwords, do some more digging.

take care of you.

S

[This message edited by FinanceGuy123 at 8:51 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

Read in the Healing Library on this site about what real remorse looks like. Also know that she's minimizing what she did and how many times they were together. Take some time to decide what your deal breakers are and if it's worth continuing on with this cheater. Decide what you want your future to look like and given what you know about her now, if she fits into that picture and plan. Sorry to hear about your situation. Take care of yourself.

Sorry you are here.

I would suggest you start the 180, just to give yourself some time to think. Focus on yourself and consider what you want. Also, take some time to think about what you were told and what you remember.

Very likely, your WW is minimizing the A. So far, what you have described is typical lies from a WS, trying to protect themselves and minimize the A.

"Nothing happened, we were just friend". Lie.

"We only had sex once and i didn't like it". Another lie.

Then, "It happened again, but only one other time". After the previous lies, you are now expected to believe this statement. Most likely another lie.

She was lying to you for quite some time. You need to assume everything she tells you is a lie.

See what you can find out yourself and then challenge her story. NEVER REVEAL ANY SOURCES OF INFORMATION. If you find evidence of a lie, confront her with it, but don't tell he how you found out.

Also, it is pretty gutsy that she brought her AP to your house, while other people were home. This shows a sense of comfortability with the AP. Typically, at the start of an A, the WS is very secretive and wants to keep any connection secret. Your WW's actions lead to me believe that this had been going on a long time.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but it seems like you two had some serious problems before the affair. Sixty-five hours of work a week is a lot...how much time were you two devoting towards nurturing your relationship? And also this won't be popular, but sometimes it's really difficult for women to ask you to want to spend time with them. I'm guessing it's probably like that for men, too. You just want the person you love to make you the priority because you're important and they want to be with you. You don't want to have to beg for that. That's not to say she handed it well. Obviously she didn't if she didn't find a way to make her needs clear to you. Her communication problems are huge, and so was whatever drove you to spend that much time away from your family. And then her choice to deal with this by having an affair was an awful decision that added a whole new level of dyfunction.

But...the reason I'm mentioning all of that was it sounds like you were both hurting each other. Something about the way you describe her reactions makes me think she really does love you, and the fact that she brought the guy to meet you make me wonder if this was all done specifically to try to renew your interest in her. That's obviously a really childish way to handle it, but it doesn't sound like she's a very emotionally mature person. But I do think sometimes people can grow up, especially if they have therapy. I wonder if your relationship could heal if you both started dedicating your time and focus to each other, and if you addressed the communication issues as a team. And of course, she'd need IC to help develop maturity and the boundaries that she seemed to lack on her previous "loose" relationships. I do think if you do ever consider R, you will have to commit more time to home, and she will have multiple issues to address, too.

But even if you do D instead, make sure you find an extremely independent woman if you did date again and you plan on maintaining that sort of time commitment to your job. I consider myself to be a loner and independent, but even I'd struggle to maintain a R with somebody who was working 11 hour days 6 days a week. It's hard to grow a healthy relationship when you're not around each other.

[This message edited by hedothprotest at 12:19 AM, October 20th (Saturday)]

Do I leave her on the premise that she has already lied so massively and betrayed my trust?

Let me just say, you will never regret dumping a cheater. You will grieve for a bit, then pick yourself up and start afresh, date lovely women who will not cheat (yes, there are those type out there) and lead a happy life.

Or do I believe what I think is her being truly sincere & her adamant composure that it could never ever happen again?

This is what your WW will desperately hope you will do. She will praise you as the most caring, understanding man on earth for "giving the gift of reconciliation". She will call you "courageous" for staying, i.e., a bravery award for literally doing nothing, zippo.

You will suddenly be her soulmate, the best man on the planet, and the AP will of course be branded as the worst scum. She will promise to "figure out her why's", join IC, offer to go to MC, offer passwords, other meaningless gestures. In short, a cheater will feed you all kinds of rubbish to guilt you into staying. You will agonize, get triggered, post copious notes here, wait out the 2-5 year "reconciliation" period bandied about here, then declare yourself "reconciled" to great applause from long-timers here. You will then advise new BS's to do the same.

Which option sounds more palatable to you?

For some couples R makes sense and even though it's really hard work, they love each other enough to face rebuilding together. If you struggle mostly with you're not getting all the truth, a W with nothing to hide will write everything out and have it confirmed by a test. Of course it's hard to face all the shame of the first lies and then the cover up lies but everything needs to transparent or you can't go forward successfully.

Some will say you can never trust again and why put yourself through it when you can find someone else possibly better. There are no guarantees either way. The best thing is look in your own heart and decide what kind of life and goals you want to have.

Relationships need together time. This is the challenge of our time- people struggling hours or work several jobs to give a good life to their family and their stress or absence weakens the family bonds. Society can change this by paying people fairly and adjusting cost of living. We all have to demand it. Look back a few decades ago. It was possible. Technology is making it easier actually. For now, could your wife help by working too? If she's got time to spare, she shouldn't use it lying and acting badly.

Let her know it's a team effort now. No lies and she hides nothing from now on. Regardless of what you want to do, do this first and think about what you want. You don't have to make any decision now but she has to show you honesty and loyalty 100%

Hey...neither you or your job are responsible for her behavior.

People work long hours all the time, have deaths in the family, get sick, get depressed/withdraw etc, - and their spouse doesn't cheat. It's not about her inability to talk etc ... she's lacking core values that are necessary for her to be a safe wife.

Serial cheaters remind me of stray dogs that run to the nearest hand with an ego boosting treat.

People throw the word 'love' around as if the word itself matters - but it's actions/behavior/commitment toward you that constitutes love (not words).

From your initial post, you mention that she's cheated in previous relationships - so this is not her first time - she's a serial cheater.

She met a stranger at a party (has sex with him) and it escalates to an ongoing affair. Most of us have to worry about coworkers or x's or other tempting friendships - but you have to worry every time she goes to the grocery store.

In the best of circumstances R is a 2-5 year struggle - and that assumes the WS is smart enough, strong willed with solid core values, and motivated enough to become a much different person.

Your wife's past history of cheating in prior relationships suggests a morally bankrupt individual where you now have to start from ground zero in creating a safe spouse.

I think the probability of making your wife a safe spouse is low. I also think your primary criteria should be your own self respect because it's the foundation of who you will be as a father, husband and member of your community.

For now, my advice is to go 180 and give yourself 90 days to collect your thoughts before deciding on whether to D or R.