SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Where do I begin... I have been married for 8 years, we’ve been together for 13. I am a father to two amazing children, ages 4 and 3. I have been unfaithful in the past but never anything serious until recently.

Last year I met an a woman at work and was immediately attracted to her. We began talking and developed a friendship. She knew I was married and had no intention of leaving my marriage. This woman was the same age as my wife and has a 5 year old son.

Things became physical between the two of us after a few weeks. We thought we could control our emotions but soon fell in love. Our feelings were incredibly strong and we enjoyed every moment we got to spend together.

Things ended in December after we had a big fight. I was consumed with insecurities about my affair partner’s past and the fact that she had previously slept with some of my co-workers. The nature of our relationship turned me into a jealous person, when I have never been that way before.

We spent approximately 2 months apart but things started up again when she sent me a text one day. Long story short, this affair has been ongoing for approximately 14 months now.

My affair partner doesn’t see anything wrong with the fact that she is with a married man, because in her mind she is single and can do whatever she wants. She has asked me to get a divorce on multiple occasions now. I have contemplated it.. but my gut keeps telling me that I shouldn’t walk away from my marriage for another woman.

The sex is amazing, we get along great, and I definitely do see a future with her. That being said, it’s not a perfect relationship. We are both faced with some pretty serious trust issues.

The relationship came to an end yesterday.. after I told her that I couldn’t walk away from my marriage without at least trying to make things work. I have neglected my marriage over the years and I think I owe it to my wife and children to give it an honest try.

My affair partner has told me that she is not ok with being my second pick. And that she will not be there for me if I decide to get a divorce down the road.

My wife doesn’t know about the affair... and I don’t plan on coming clean at this point. It’s only going to cause her unnecessary pain.

I am here looking for advice on what to do... I am overcome with grief over the fact that I no longer have my affair partner. All I want is to reach out to her and make amends. At the same time I know that I should put some effort into repairing my marriage before it’s too late.

I have been going to counselling for a few months now. It’s been helpful but it’s a slow process.

Any help or feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

Wow, just wow.

I'm not sure what kind of advice you are seeking here, and I certainly don't feel qualified to give any, but from my perspective you have some choices to make.

1. You need to decide who you are.

2. You need to choose which life you are going to live. Remorseful Spouse, or ex-Spouse.

3. You need to decide if you want to be with someone that sees nothing wrong with destroying your marriage and your wife's life.

You won't find many people here okay w not telling your wife.

Good luck!

Hi there msnow3,

Welcome to SI. You will get much support and advice here from people who have been where you are.

Where you are right now is what is commonly referred to as the Affair Fog. Your focus is on your AP (affair partner) rather than on your BS (betrayed spouse) or even yourself, the WS (wayward spouse).

This statement

I have been unfaithful in the past but never anything serious until recently.

indicates that you don't have a good grasp of the true nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. Therefore I think your first order of business is to start educating yourself. The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is a good, general introduction to the topic. It focuses a lot on how affairs begin in the first place and for me it was an important read because it helped me to start to put the affair in context.

You don't much mention your BS in your post, which is pretty common for someone still in the affair fog. You have said that you don't think your past infidelities were serious but each time you have cheated, each time you have lied to your wife about where you were and who you were with and what you were doing, that was a betrayal. It was a betrayal of her, a betrayal of your children and a betrayal of your own integrity. Imagine that the situation were reversed and it was your wife who had been unfaithful and lied to you and hidden it from you. Would you consider that serious?

My affair partner doesn’t see anything wrong with the fact that she is with a married man, because in her mind she is single and can do whatever she wants.

Is she in fact single or is she just single "in her mind"? There is a part of your brain that is trying to claw its way out of the affair fog and it's the part that is thinking this:

She has asked me to get a divorce on multiple occasions now. I have contemplated it.. but my gut keeps telling me that I shouldn’t walk away from my marriage for another woman.

She is fine with getting her needs met at your BS's expense, and at your kids' expense. As far as she is concerned, they are her enemies and stand in the way of what she wants. Are you good with that? Your two amazing children, the woman who has been your partner for the last 13 years, she sees them as enemies. This is the person who you are craving and considering making your permanent ally. Your gut is telling you how wrong that is. Listen to it.

You are talking about working on your marriage but honestly the thing that needs working on the most is you and your relationship with yourself. How is it that you are okay with getting your perceived needs met at your BS's very great expense? How is it that you are okay with risking the security and safety of your family? How is it that you are okay with tossing your integrity overboard? The answers to those questions will be guideposts on the path of healing.

With regard to your wife, the reasoning you are citing for keeping her in the dark is a cover for trying to control the outcome and avoid consequences. You have already hurt her. You have abused her trust and have risked her security and safety that of her children to get your own perceived needs met. If you are to truly work on your marriage, she's going to have to know the truth of the marriage she's in. Tricking her into staying into the marriage by hiding the truth is further abusing her trust and shows her the utmost disrespect. It also makes it impossible to repair your own integrity.

If you stick around and do much reading on this site, you'll quickly realize that BS's shoulder two wounds of betrayal. The first is going outside the marriage, and the second is the lying about it and that can go on for a long time even after the affair ends. You cannot avoid the wound of your betrayal and the lies you've already told, but right now you can avoid increasing the severity of the wound by telling your wife instead of her finding out some other way. It will also be the first step on the path to repairing your own integrity.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to walk this path. I hope you stick around. Read lots. Stay curious. Keep your defenses down as much as you can.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Welcome from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Hello msnow3,

Welcome.

Kudos for posting your story.

Kudos also for seeing a counselor.

You wrote >>My wife doesn’t know about the affair... and I don’t plan on coming clean at this point. <<

My guess is that you will get plenty of feedback about this part of your post. People who have been affected by infidelity tend to have strong opinions about the "should I tell?" question. I predict that it will prove difficult to decide what is best for your wife and for you.

Good luck

H

Hi Msnow,

I think you need to be ready for her to return. These things ebb and flow. Yesterday might have felt like the final blow but just wait. My money is on her reaching back out and you will be challenged as to how to respond.

Like you I had a side piece. A secret GF. They are not sustainable though. While you have not had a D-Day its time to clean up your mess. Block her number. Purge your phone of all pics. Throw out all gifts. Get tested for STD's. Go completely NC. As you are currently in the fog your blood stream is still racing with dopamine from your A. You will crave her. You will miss her. Prepare for withdrawl. It's actually physically painful. But after a while its not.

Time to back to your W and beautiful kids. If you keep devoting emotional energy to your AP your only robbing them.

So when she texts you again, what are you going to do?

So what’s your goal?

You make it sound like what you had with your AP was so great. Guess what... it was not. Nothing special about her. It’s all a big Fantasy. All us WS think what we had with AP was so great but it’s not.

You want to work on your M but your heartbroken you dont have your AP anymore??

What happens when your AP gets mad at you and tells your wife? It happens.

What’s your plan if your wife finds out?

How do you give your M a honest try if your wife don’t know what kind of a H you really are? That don’t seem fair.

Your wife deserves the truth. Your lying to her. She thinks she has a faithful H, who loves and respect her. She don’t. It’s a lie. You want to cover this up and become the best H ever. Your selfish. You need to come clean. You don’t want to cause her pain but you did. Think about what will happen if she found out besides you. The damage is far worse if you don’t tell her.

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 AM, October 20th (Saturday)]

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:36 PM, October 20th (Saturday)]

Thank you all for the advice you have given me. I definitely need some guidance right now. I do plan on talking to my wife about what happened in counselling.

Right now I am completely devastated by the loss of my AP. It is taking everything I have in me not to reach out to her. Would anyone have some advice on how to get through that?

I am miserable right now and just want this pain to go away so I can focus on repairing my marriage.

msnow3 I just bumped Maia's withdrawal guide:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622&AP=1&HL=

Also, if you've not already read some of the FAQ's in the Healing Library (link is on the top left in that yellow box), that would be a good thing to do as well to help move away from the thoughts of your AP and start preparing for your next steps.

May I suggest 2 books that would really helpful to you.

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass

'How To Heal Your Spouse From Your Affair' by Linda MacDonald

I am a Madhatter so both WS and BS I would also suggest telling your wife so she can make a decision about her life for herself. Keeping the lie will always stay as a barrier in your M going forward.

Also this suggest that you may be a serial cheater...

I have been unfaithful in the past but never anything serious until recently.

I know you aren't seeing it, msnow, but if you do some actual work on yourself and build the integrity and empathy that you'll require to have a chance at staying married, you will re-read this and see that you sound like a complete piece of shit. You don't see your wife. You're playing games with her heart and her life. You're playing games with her children. If you truly want to date, you should reconsider why you want to be married in the first place.

You need to be honest with your wife. That is an act of integrity. You have cheated multiple times. I guarantee you she will find out. Further, if you don't become a man of integrity, you will likely do this again. If you love this woman, please don't continue to abuse her this way.

Right now I am completely devastated by the loss of my AP. It is taking everything I have in me not to reach out to her. Would anyone have some advice on how to get through

The quickest route is honesty with your spouse. You will then be able to look beyond your hurt to the pain you created to the person you promised to love.

If you were truly in love with AP before then you would have had no problem ending your marriage to be with the woman you loved. Love doesn’t end by having a fight. Love is the willingness the fight for the relationship. The fight for one another. You were probably just hitting a dose of reality and fake relationships (affairs) can’t withstand harsh realities.

Everything seems amazing with the AP because IT’S NOT REALITY. Your future reality with a woman you developed a relationship with in this manner would be both always mistrusting the other because you are developing the foundation of your relationship with the crumbliest pieces of each other. Sex with your wife was probably amazing at first and all the things you think about AP you probably once thought the same of your wife.

Hi msnow,

I have looked at your post several times now. I have wanted to respond, but honestly, I remember this phase and it's rockbottom and painful. There isn't a magic bullet to get past this. The only thing I can do is share some things I learned in getting out of it.

I want to tell you a few things and then I will give you a list. Like you, I thought I was in love with the AP. Soul mate, crazy, madly in love. The pain of ending it was all encompassing. It was literally the worst thing ever. And, guess what?

It wasn't unique. The psychology of what happens when you have an EA/PA is almost like clockwork. When you read more about affairs, you will see it's universal.

The person you had an affair with made you feel very good about yourself. Better than you have felt in a long time. Your attachment to them is about that rather than it really being about them. (Yeah, I know, I know...you can tell me all this wonderful stuff about her and you are convinced what I just said was bullpucky)

When an affair like this starts, it starts as often an escape from reality. It lets you be whoever you want to be in your mind. And, the AP is basically fanning the flames with all the ego stroking that they are doing. They make you feel good so you think THEY are good. What starts to happen is a mirroring process. You project a lot of qualities and feelings onto this person as the fantasy/escape escalates. Your brain is flooded with dopamine, creating a euphoria feeling.

So, the snap back to reality is a hard crash. You have been living in a fantasy world. This pain you are in isn't going to go away over night. You basically have become addicted to the dopamine and not having it is going to put you in a very low spot, depressed feeling. You think the answer is to "just get a hit" but it's not. Here would be my suggestions to you:

1. Tell your wife. She deserves to know. This as was suggested by a previous poster will start to ground you because it will be harder to ignore the reality of what this situation actually is.

2. Find ways to replace the dopamine. Do cardio (A runners high was something that really started helping me). Eat foods that help with endorphins. Get sleep. Take vitamins. What you are going to go through in the next several months can be counterbalanced to some degree if you practice good self-care.

3. Work to see this woman for who she is. She is not perfect and your soul mate. She is a selfish woman who doesn't care who she hurts to get what she wants. She has done nothing good here - she's helped you in running your marriage off the road, something that will devastate your wife, and if you have children she doesn't care what is really going to happen to them. This person isn't going to be a good candidate for a partner in any way, she is going to make everything about her and chew you up and spit you out. I know it's hard to believe or see from your standpoint right now, but it's true.

4. No contact. NONE. Block her on everything, do not respond to any time she reaches out. Tell your wife when it happens. No contact means no new hurts. This withdrawal that you are going through has to restart every single time you break contact - so don't be looking at her social media even, that is still contact even if it's not direct. You need to see this woman as highly toxic for you and avoid her like the plague. The better you do that and the sooner you do that, the quicker the pain will go away.

5. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power, and there are specific patterns and issues that you will read about and identify with. Knowing this isn't unique in the least and understanding the psychology will help you get a firmer grip back into reality.

6. When you do confess, do not minimize anything. Try and understand what inside of you caused this. Your wife, marriage, didn't cause this - it was a decision you made probably out of poor boundaries, coping mechanisms, etc. This is on you 100%. Own it. Don't trickle truth, tell the entire thing, sparing your wife from details will backfire on you and hurt her more. Because over time you all will discuss this a lot and she will find the lies. Each time that happens it will be just like what I said with the contact, it will reopen every wound and the healing has to start all over again.

That being said, it’s not a perfect relationship.

There is no such thing and you are chasing bullshit. It is time to grow up. Look up the levels of a committed relationship.

We are both faced with some pretty serious trust issues.

That isn't the only reason why you shouldn't be in a relationship with this woman. She has had relationships with several of your co-workers. She doesn't see anything wrong with hurting your wife and children. Sounds like a peach to have as a mother of your child if you ended up with her. Her moral values, like yours just suck and are immature. You need to learn how to be in a relationship yourself and be committed to it it even when the grass seems greener. Trust me, it isn't ever. If your marriage sucks, then divorce. If you are perpetually going to be stuck looking for the next big fix then divorce and be single so you can stop putting your wife through Hell. Or are you a dog with a bone? You know you have something great and don't want anyone else to have your wife?

The problem isn't the marriage. It is you. Especially if you are a serial cheater. Always chasing that 100% in one person that you will never find. Ready to jump ship for the next big thing. Looking for things to be easy and fun all the time. You need to learn to be enough for yourself. You let lust rule yourself and in the process threw your children to the wolves. Just saying children because it is obvious your wife means little to you right now. Even though she has probably been breaking herself apart to meet your needs and you see her as just a mother figure or maid while you play with a loose woman (I say loose because she really doesn't care about being with married men).

My affair partner has told me that she is not ok with being my second pick.

She was before. She was okay with screwing over your kids.

My wife doesn’t know about the affair... and I don’t plan on coming clean at this point. It’s only going to cause her unnecessary pain.

Not surprised when you are this selfish. You just don't want to lose your comfy cushion. You already caused her pain and she doesn't know just how much decietful and manipulative you are. You should tell her. Give her the right to live her life informed and choose.

See this whole thing for what it is. Not the choice between two relationships. But, the fact that YOU are fucked up and shouldn't be even thinking about a relationship. You should be thinking about why you are a serial cheater. Why you will not let your wife live a happy life. Why you would settle for an easy loose woman. Do you really want to continue to live like this. Always jumping ship?