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One of the many humiliating parts of my wife's affair is that she told most of the A details to her sister after Dday including that she had intimate feelings for AP.

I find it incredibly humiliating that my wife would tell anyone without my permission the details of her affair especially that she had intimate feelings for another man.

My sister-in-law admitted that she told her husband some of the details my wife conveyed.

Before her A we were very good friends with her sister and husband. Since I learned my wife told her sister details of her affair including that she had intimate feelings for another man I have refused to talk with either her sister or my brother-in-lawn. I am doing this because I am humiliated and dont want to be around them. I am also doing this because I want to punish my wife for again showing me disrespect.

Am I being unreasonable for being humiliated and angry that my wife told her sister details of her affair including that she had intimate feelings for another man without my permission ? Am I being unreasonable by refusing to be around my sister-in-law and her husband?

I will never know everything my wife told her sister. She could have told her details about her sex life with AP or my reaction to the affair which was humiliating by itself.

[This message edited by PaperInstead at 4:56 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

Am I being unreasonable for being humiliated and angry that my wife told her sister details of her affair including that she had intimate feelings for another man without my permission ?

No

Am I being unreasonable by refusing to be around my sister-in-law and her husband?

Maybe.

It's not their fault she told them as no one can control what others say and do. Consider telling them how humiliated you are and that you are not sure how to handle the feelings of humiliation you feel when around them and that is why you have kept your distance. Then watch what they say and do.

I can relate. Thank god it wasn't a family member, but it was a friend that we both got along with... Now... No way will I be seen with this friend or with any of the friends in that group... kuz lets face it... she told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on and so on and so on... Just like that...

Am I being unreasonable by refusing to be around my sister-in-law and her husband?

NOPE - This is about YOU now... you do what makes you feel good. If you don't want to be around them... don't be.

Did you ask your wife not to tell others? (You might want to make that requirement explicit)

I did.

And this is a deal breaker for me. If I find out that she is telling people about her affair, without my permission, then I am done.

I have asked for this one thing...and if she can't respect me enough to honor that commitment (after admitting that she wants to R) then there is nothing she will honor.

So... No... you are not unreasonable.. .you are not wrong...

Do what makes you feel comfortable.

Your job is to get you back to being the best you, you can be.

F- Them all.. this is about YOU

You are being completely reasonable. Maybe she was trying to justify the affair to her sister. Who told the sister in the first place? I would think she would be humiliated by the fact she cheated unless it’s like my WH family who all knew and condoned.

Why would you be more angry her sister for knowing than you are at her for doing? It kind of sounds like your feelings of shame are misplaced, like you're absorbing your WW's shame and internalizing it, so you end up feeling humiliated. Then, assigning it to your sister-in-law rather than to your WW so your feelings of humiliation are tied to the wrong person. It's almost like you're putting it anywhere but on the one who did the deeds, when all the while, it's your WW's burden to carry.

This is not YOUR shame. No one deserves to be intimately betrayed this way. There are myriad ways for an unhappy partner to resolve their issues. Cheating is not necessary. Further, we cannot control other people, so we couldn't have stopped them. Once you release your feelings of guilt/rage for causing/allowing this to happen, you won't feel that burning shame anymore and you won't need to redirect it toward others.

They say that anger turned inward results in depression, and honestly... I think severe humiliation is just a manifestation of that. It feels safer than the rage we feel toward the perpetrator, which is a threat to the continuance of the relationship. Almost like, if we allowed our true feelings of rage, we couldn't take our cheater back. But, it's okay to feel your rage. You're not an animal. You can have feelings, even dreadful ones, without turning those feelings into actions. Do an internet search on "2-step process unwanted anger" and read the article you find there.

Rage is a little different than some of our other emotions because it charges the body for fighting. We have to soothe the body in order to get into an analytical thought process. Once you've achieved a method though, you won't be trying to internalize it as shame and the feelings of humiliation should fade.

My WW told 8-10 people about the affair within weeks of D-Day, including her sister and many mutual friends. Then, she made me feel like a loser for caring what they thought.

She called it "needing the support" from her "closest people." All ten of them.

I always suspected her version was highly skewed and would render the whole thing as my fault. Through the grapevine, I've confirmed this has been true in at least a few cases.

My response was like yours - total avoidance, like social anxiety. But that settled over time. I noticed people seemed to take different stances on it and that I can't control this. I also approached one mutual friend about it just to clear the air, and felt better after that. I also learned that my WW simply can't be depended on to help me psychologically after D-Day, even if she says she wants to be that person.

I think with time will help this. And consider talking with them about it - if not her sister, at least your brother-in-law. You might be surprised at their response, and it may help simply to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

Keeping the A a secret is often seen as rug sweeping and protecting the WS’s reputation. Coming clean with family members that are friends of the marriage can increase accountability, transparency and provide support for the BS. So while your feelings are your feelings, maybe it will turn out to be a good thing that her family knows that she is not the victim and that there are marital problems stemmming from her A that she had to address.

What kind of R are you in?

It sounds like you're way more upset she told her sister than you are that she cheated, lied, and had deep feelings for her AP.

It turns out my mother-in-law and my XWW's sister knew details about my XWW's affairs, including partner names, well before I did. Never, ever, so far as I know, did they counsel her to stop, or to come clean, or to come to me hat in hand begging for forgiveness. Neither did they tell me that XWW was cheating, lying, and risking exposing me to STDs.

Same thing with some couple friends we had.

Fuck them. Fuck them all. I don't need to associate with people who have such callous disregard for my health and feelings.

Now, about my initial question:

I am doing this because I am humiliated and dont want to be around them. I am also doing this because I want to punish my wife for again showing me disrespect.

I find this part alarming. I do understand how mixed up our feelings are when early in this process, but ultimately, you must get to a point where you realize the humiliation is hers, not yours, and that if you are in true R, you don't want to punish your partner.

If, on the other hand, you can't get rid of the desire to punish, I think that's a sign that R is not really an option. Even in that case, though, you eventually need to reach a point where you go off and live your own life and quit being concerned about her.

No, I don't think it's unreasonable at all. Anyone who knew/knows of my W's A is gone from our lives. I don't want them to talk about me/us, and I don't need their judgement. And, frankly, I don't want my wife having some "girl talk" about how awesome parts of her affair. Would she? I have no idea, perhaps not, but I've heard enough men talk that way to be seriously concerned that it would be just some great big joke with friends that know of her "little slip". <barf>

She could have told her details about her sex life with AP or my reaction to the affair which was humiliating by itself.

Exactly my concern. And, having heard a few men "share" their A's, this is exactly the kind of thing they talk about. Do women? I have no idea, but it would be hard to convince me that they don't.

I do understand how mixed up our feelings are when early in this process, but ultimately, you must get to a point where you realize the humiliation is hers, not yours, and that if you are in true R, you don't want to punish your partner.

I think this is, sadly, one of the areas where men/women have it differently. If I'd cheated on my W, I have no doubt, her friends would all be there for her and offer her support. "He's such an a**hole/etc" and "you deserve better". Reversing the situation, I have a feeling I would get very different thoughts from others "He must have cheated on her first", "He must be impossible to live with", "What did he do". While we, as a community, are very good at placing blame where it belongs (with the cheater, regardless of their gender), society isn't. There's a very pervasive message out there, in fact, I thought this personally before my W cheated that "he cheats, his fault; she cheats, his fault". Now, nobody says that, but, if my friend told me about a cheating wife, I will say, my mind always went to "What did he do; did she find out about his A's?" instead of where it should have gone, which is to place the blame on her.

And how does your wife feel, to be in the same room with her sister who knows, and you? Of course you are hurt and humiliated...what is she? How did she explain to her sister, that even tho she enjoyed the A, what now? How does she explain her flip back to you? she looks bad...not you..

Its not much different when all the coworkers know...all the neighbors know....telling details are not much different then seeing them together, kissing or holding hands...many others can know...

WH had A with COW...I never got over that...I couldn't and no longer would go to his work...I tried attending events...they were all her friends...his friends...I was the outsider...they knew...

That's the problem...its another part of the fallout...a trigger...they never think of these things while cheating...yet we live with these parts forever...I know I wouldn't be able to spend much time with them...it is a trigger..some overcome triggers...I was just kidding myself...I was miserable...and chose not to be extra miserable anymore. and skipped it.

If your spouse doesn't understand this is more fallout....then she doesn't get it. Its up to you...its what you can live with...not her.

.if she is telling the details in a positive way, a bragging way...a way that she was really enjoying it...its more then her sister knowing...its was happiness shared...that's more painful then who knows..It is more then just knowing about an A...

Needing to talk, vent, is miles away from sharing intimate details....just exactly how far did she go into detail?

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:03 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

It's only humiliating to you if you see it that way. You did nothing wrong, no matter what anybody else thinks or says. I think this is your real concern. Unfounded guilt on your part.

Do not allow it.

I would guess that your WW prefers to romanticize and justify her actions, when you have every right to show how deceitful and reprehensible she was.

I, and my fWW, preferred to keep her infidelity quiet and private, mainly because of the kids involved and her fear of rejection by all our friends if it was public. Your WW motives may be just to have someone to vent to, or for support, but it was her choice to bring it out in the open.

The more people that know, the more opinions and advice will be given. This is not necessarily a good thing for either of you.

Whether you decide to confront her, the sister and BIL, or any of your friends to set the record straight for your point of view is your decision now.

If she needed someone to confide it or for some emotional support, then I’d be fine with it. My xWW told her sisters. They actually offered me a little support too in trying to salvage the marriage.

So it could be a good thing or a bad thing. You seem a little quick to judge her and being harsh on her sister and husband, IMHO.