One month ago my parnter of 3.5 years told me that she had slept with another man on two separate occasions. I was completely blindsided by this fact. I still am. I'm looking for help with perspective and advice. So, I will try to share my story. I feel like I have a fairly non standard relationship, but I imagine the themes that led to the infidelity aren't that out there.
The Beginning of Our Relationship: This is definitely relevant. I met my partner while traveling. We met by chance around a campfire and instantly hit it off. She was younger than me(by a number of years, me in my 30s, her in her 20s). However, she acted very mature from her age(a fact her family and friends have backed up). We slept together which I later found out was her first time(virgin). She didn't tell me that. I had to deduce it; however, because of cultural differences it didn't really seem that important to her. She also had never had a relationship previous despite being active and social(she says that she just hadn't met a guy that both interested her and she was attracted to). We were from different countries so dating would be hard, but I just had this amazing feeling about her. I wanted her to be my partner; and felt that she could be the one I spend my whole life with is she was into that. I didn't tell her that of course(didn't want to scare her away).
Relationship: She changed her plans and we were able to spend a couple weeks together where we decided to start dating. I was ecstatic. We had great adventures and she brought a playful side to my serious nature. She is this great mix of playful and serious. Sex got better(remember her lack of experience). I visited her country a couple months later. This was the start of 2 years of travel and long distance. We would spend several long chunks of time together(6-7 weeks at a time) then time apart. In total we spend maybe 4 months or so together each of the 2 long distance years. Including some stressful situations that helped bond us more. We met and enjoyed each others families.
Living together: moving in together was a challenging time for both of us. We decided that it would be best for the relationship dynamic if we started a new life together. She would start a one year school program at a local university while I could get a guiding job in a neighboring town(though across the border). From the beginning of our relationship, she understood that my job as an outdoor guide would keep me away for chunks of time. Her schooling was more stable, but I also had large periods of time off where I would support her by cooking for her and emotional support. I would characterize our relationship as extremely affectionate and loving. Lots of small intimate gestures when we are together(massages, cuddling, sex, notes to each other). I purchased a satellite text messenger so we could stay in contact even when I was away.
Challenges: Native tongue barrier. Our relationship is in English; however, that is not her native tongue. We've talked about me learning to speak her language, but it has been very difficult for me. She speaks english fluently. Her friends and family are mostly fluent English speakers; however, she does like having friends who speak her native tongue and her schooling/job is based around her native tongue.
Commitment. We've talked about marriage for immigration reasons, but she states that she is opposed to marriage and doesn't want to get married. She is willing to talk about her opinions and reasoning behind them. This made me shift my viewpoint away from wanting a more traditional relationship. We did sign papers to declare ourselves as common law for immigration purposes. I can see myself being with her as my only partner. As well as having kids with her. She has stated the same, but perhaps with more hesitation. I am able to slow down any desire for more commitment, because I do enjoy our relationship and how it has been growing.
Communication. One of the things that drew me to her was her no nonsense approach to communication. Very direct and no games. This has continued throughout our relationship(I feel). We both can be a little conflict avoidant. But, we have gotten along so well that it didn't seem like we were avoiding anything.
Trust: Not once had I ever worried about her cheating or being interested in other guys. Nothing in her demeanor or in her character even brought out any jealousy.
Context: The context around when she cheated. I had a difficult summer at work. I was gone more than planned due to circumstances outside of my control. I did set aside time during the summer for when our lease was up for a move. She also decided to schedule a family visit during that same time. Her family came and we had a good time shopping for her new place with them and showing them around our home town. Over the ten days I took off a couple afternoons to recharge myself and let them speak in their native tongue. I was a little tired and sick during this time, but tried my best to be active and engaged. We moved most of the items to our new place but left a few in the old as the family was using the bed there. The plan was for her to have her family help make the final move(one trip in a rental van or pickup truck). I left for a stressful work training/certification(9 days). My certification took place out in the field so communications were challenging. They also pushed up physically and mentally to the limits with long days. My communication back with my partner was sporadic at best while she did the final move with the family.
The first infidelity: my partner's intensive one year university program was coming to an end so there were going away parties for people leaving. She went with several friends to a party hosted by one of her classmates. I know most of her close classmates having gone out for beers occasionally with them. One of her friends from the program was a noted "player." But he is also a smart guy who happens to be interested in her field and speaks her native tongue. He appeals to her intellectual side saying how intimidating intellectually she is. And how attractive she is. Her other friends decide to leave, but she stays at the players party. Things escalate from there from kissing to them having unprotected sex. She returns home early in the morning and lies to her cousin who is staying with her. I had texted her a long check in message that night around dinner time. She didn't respond until the next day. I returned home the day of and she lies to about not feeling well so we don't have sex. She gets STD tested the next day without my knowledge. She texts occasionally with the player the next week before asking him not to contact her at all. She keeps this all hidden from me. I haven't a clue.
One month Later: She gets a love letter from the player in her native tongue. She responds by writing back and sending him a book that she had read. She plans a trip to see him with a friend. The player lives in another city with another friend from the program. I supported the trip seeing as how she was going with a close friend to visit two other friends from the same program.
Two months later: she goes on the weekend trip that was planned. She stays with him and has protected sex at nights with him and stays in his bed. Her friend also stayed at his place but on the couch(she had brought an inflatable camping mattress that I helped her pack). At the end of the trip she tells the player that she wants to be me with me and for him not to contact her.
3 months after the initial encounter: one night she says she has something to tell me and admits to cheating on me. She states that she has feelings for him and talks about how it is possible to have feelings for two people at the same time. She also talks about the way he made her feel and wanting to explore. She also talked about how we were getting into routines and that I had been away and not making her feel as special. She didn't mention the language difference but it was understood. I was devastated. I asked for some space. She went to a friends place. I found the love letter and her drafts in her desk but couldn't read them(language). I told her that I had looked in her desk and found them. I was devastated. She was confused and guilty. She had talked to her close friends who had encouraged the second trip to visit the player to see for sure how she felt. She said the first incident was spontaneous and was caught up in the moment.
Since then: One month has passed. I have taken some time with my close friends who live several hours away. We have talked a lot. She has been willing to answer all my questions in what seems to be an honest fashion. I'm seeing a therapist and we have talked about a couples counselor. She is out of the country for the holidays. We are trying to skype but feel less inclined to have the intense emotional questions. We are working through a book: getting past the affair. We are also reading and Esther Perel book. We have been having lots of sex(more than normal though she says that sex was never a problem in our relationship). She has tried to work hard to make this work. She seems to understand that I am deeply hurt. Part of me struggles because I feel like she doesn't necessarily regret her actions; she does regret hurting me.
Questions I have:
1. Can I learn to trust her again. I have never trusted someone more in my life. Part of that was because of how close we have become but also the person she has represented to me(someone of integrity, character, and honesty). I think she is struggling with that too but she doesnt have any answers for me yet.
2. Do I need to learn more? I don't want to know the nitty gritty details of sex, but do I need to know what's in the love letters? She deleted all of her texts before telling me about the affair.
3. We still haven't fully explored the why she did it yet. For a long time it was me asking small questions about details before I had the full picture. I was unsure of how much I wanted to know so I didn't even know of the date of the initial incident until a couple days ago.
4. Can I accept her desire to explore outside the relationship? This seems like a less common reason for cheating. She says that what she found told her that I am the partner that she wants to be with. She did say that she didn't want to be the sort of person that only ever had one partner(what do I do with that?) I didn't choose her because she was a virgin nor was that massive in our relationship. I get the desire to explore. I've had a number of partners and relationships. But it's hurtful.
5. She says at the core our relationship is good. We have some small things to work on but it seems like a big part of her believes that the cheating had less to do with me and more to do with her. In some ways that makes me feel worse; and want to search for ways that our relationship caused this.
6. I know I have things that I need to work on personally. But it feels shitty right now to work on myself. Makes me feel like I wasn't enough and there are conditions on her love. Even though she hasn't made any explicit requests other than wanting me to see a therapist(I have depression that comes and goes and is worse when I'm between work like right now).
That's quite a wall of text. I appreciate anyone who made it all the way through. Thank you.
